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Did your mom charge you $500 a month raising you to the age of say 18 or 21?
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worriedinCali Jun 2020
What I just posted in response to shena and you on another thread—

SMDH at you silly martyrs! Here’s a few reminders—your parents chose to have you. Your kids didn’t ask to be born. Many parents actually didn’t take care of their kids, didn’t provide a safe loving home but they sure as hell expect their children to wait on them hand & foot while treating them like dirt. AND......many child caregivers here have had to quit their jobs entirely or retire early in order to care for Selfish parents who refuse outside help and want to stay at home where they can pretend they are still independent. Why don’t those kids deserve to earn a living? Especially when they stopped contributing to SS and a retirement plan the moment they quit their job. Why doesn’t their livelihood matter?
There are plenty of other parents that now live with one of their adult kids. Why shouldn’t they pay their way? Contribute to the household? What entitles them to a free ride? Especially when said adult child is also caregiver, maid, therapist and punching bag?

I hope the fall off your high horse wasn’t too brutal!
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Oh wonderful! The martyrs are making their way to this post too! SMDH.
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FloridaDD Jun 2020
THIS.  I wonder if these "martyr" responses are from the siblings who do nothing, but still think another should care for their mom with no compensation.
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Show her what it would cost her to hire two people to do all you and your sister do for her. Or, what it would cost her to move into a nursing home. Suggest that she pay you something closer to what pros charge. I’m sure other factors need to be considered such as future inheritance, how many heirs, what her resources are, whether you have other jobs, your other responsibilities, etc.
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Show her the prevailing wage for all the services you provide.
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Holy cow. After reading so many 'martyr' comments here, I'm truly appalled at the 'advice' you are being given! Imagine coming to a forum such as this and expecting some GOOD answers instead of guilt trips, gospel quotes, and tongue clicking?

Add up the charges you feel are reasonable for the care you're giving to your mother and/or how much it would cost her to be in Assisted Living. Then take into account how you can't work due to the need to care for her 24/7, and what bills you have to pay (like the rest of us poor slobs living on planet earth), and decide what's fair & equitable. Then explain to your mother how you arrived at the monthly charges she owes you.

If she's disagreeable to paying you the required amount, start looking into Assisted Living Facilities in your area & see how she feels about shelling out $4-6 THOUSAND dollars per month to be cared for outside of your home.

In the real world, life's not free, for anyone. Mother should have planned for her old age, and that includes how she was going to finance it.

Good luck!
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My mother owns her house, I pay the house taxes and buy groceries and brother pays rent and helps with the groceries and pays for all yard work and snow removal. Mom's health insurance BCBS Gold is around $900 per month so not too much left at the end of the month except for essentials. Niece helps care for my mom, room and board and all expenses, vacations paid. We all work together. If your mom can afford it, I think it is reasonable to get paid more for her care perhaps $1000 per month to start. There are foster care programs around the US for caregivers to get paid a pretty decent amount per month. If she makes over $2000 per month she may qualify for the frail waiver program. Check out your state government site. There should be information on foster care program. Hope everything gets settled soon.
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BarbBrooklyn Jun 2020
Earlybird, is your mom on Medicare? Is the BCBS an advantage plan or Medicap?
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Perhaps mother does not have the funds? I don't know. I did not take any $$ from my late mother because she was living on a SS poverty wage. But that is not everyone's situation.
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The martyr people on here are hysterical!! So funny!! Nothing in life is FREE!!
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Would love to know how many hours you guys are caring for her for $500 a month.

Sadly, people of her generation never learned how to adjust for inflation. You need a legal contract and to be paid at least minimum wage.
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Hi BarbBrooklyn, yes my mother is on Medicare, the BCBS is her secondary. Most plans do not cover her name brand medications. She is grandfathered into the Gold plan, once given up she will no longer be able to stay on the plan. Checked into some plans in the past, but seems like the best plan for my mom. Do not want to deal with copays etc.
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Proverbs 3:5-6 is one of the things I've tried to look at when making any decisions. Not that I've done this every time, because alot of times I've wanted to see things only from my own perspective. But when taking care of our loved ones, and all that goes with it, is never easy. That's why turning to the Lord will always lead us in making the very best choices for our loved ones. I had to examine my heart before the Lord many times in caring for my family members in the past. There were times when I got angry, impatient, frustrated, etc. and even mad at God for dumping the burden on me. He would allow these feelings I had I believe to only have them to be seen in the light of His heart. Taking care of those who may be hateful, ugly, stubborn, and so many other adjectives allowed the exposure of what lie deep within me, and helped me see the heart of the issue. I know this isn't a direct answer to the situation you're dealing with, but I hope it will encourage you in the steps you take. A care giver is special and I believe you are special to the Lord when He sees your love for Him being displayed to those placed in your path. Keep trusting and leaning on Him...He won't steer you wrong.
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The 500/month is a fair start but a discussion of future placement is needed to be discussed. This can bring up the cost from the outside care provider which then can be explained to her the pay that should also be given to you and your sister. For as long as she has the funds to pay, the caregivers who provides the services she needs be compensated in addition to her share of costs of groceries, utilities and house rent be included too.
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Well my mom moved in with me April 2019 with a verbal agreement that she would leave in 3 to 6 months . I told her to give me $200 a month only & save the rest. She paid me May & June Of 2019 & has been living with me for free because she refuses to pay me anymore. She's evil she likes to argue she's 79 & I honestly need to seek help on getting her removed out my house
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I have not planned for my old age, and not everyone ages the same :(

I do have a child I was planning to pawn off of, when I get to that age. but, perhaps, I better rethink that idea. Hopefully I won't get dementia or ALZ. I think I will try to write a will or living trust now before I lose all my marbles.

Does mom have signs of dementia or ALZ? Your other siblings are unable to care for her for some reason, physically, emotionally, or they live too far away. It is very hard to take care of mom, a lot of us on this forum are or were in that boat. If it is becoming too much, and you cannot do it anymore, please do not feel guilty about placing her in a facility close to you. She needs to be placed near you or your sister so you two can keep tabs on her and have pleasant visits.
For the time being.. ask the doctor if she can be evaluated for palliative care. This way the doctor or nurses can visit mom at her home, instead of you driving her to the doctors all the time. Think about it.
13 years, you, sister, and mom are very close. I can see how and why your moving mom into a facility at this time of her life would be worrisome.
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