We moved in with mom 4 months ago. Mom has not responded well , has anosgnosia, and confused and agitated by our presence most of the time . We had a incident where she screamed at us for creating a living space in her basement, our only area of respite besides the bedroom as she commandeers the entire first floor and sleeps in den where she spends 95% of her time . Husband LOST it, screamed back at her and has not looked at, spoken to, or acknowledged her in any way. I have been unable to help him to depersonalize her behavior. Mom has no recollection of this or any of her offensive behaviors and would deny if attempted to address with her as she lacks the capacity for reasoning or empathy any longer . I am caught between a rock and a hard place .
It takes entire facility to care for people with dementia in environment that is safe. Trying this on your own at home it's going to be a Herculaneum task 24/7. Did it for 2 years . It sounds to me your mother's at the point where she should not ever be home by herself . Someone will have to be with her at all times. The dementia will only decline and can very fast. Her angry can be from a UTI infection. Usually when the rage escalates that is the problem .I'd have your mom tested .
Elderly can have a UTI infection all the time!!!. Not enough water not cleaning themselves properly. Then of course if that is the case she will need help with her personal care every day.
It is very hard work even harder when it is your mom caring for her on your own.
Although caring for a bedridden invalid with dementia is miserable and hard both physically and mentally, it's very different than caring for someone with advanced dementia who still mobile and strong. Very different.
You are right about all of it, but it's not the life for some people and they should not be forced into it by guilt or any other reason.
When I reconciled with my former husband we have discussed remarrying. Before that happens we already have legal paperwork now stating that there will not be any family member moved into our house for the purpose of caregiving needs nor will either one of us relocate to a family member's home to become their caregiver. If one of us does then we forfeit our half of our home to the other.
This is how serious we are about not becoming caregivers to senior family members who are growing ever more needy.
He saw what living with and providing care for my mother did to me. If not for reconciling with him I would probably not be here today that's how low it brought me.
He also remembers all the client stories I told him over the years.
We will not be caregivers. I would never expect him to.
No one has a right to expect their partner to give up their life to take care of an in-law. Or to lose their own husband or wife to the chains of care slavery because parents or senior family members become needy.
Your mother should be in a memory care facility if her dementia is as far advanced as you say it is here.
I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for 25 years. I have seen many good and happy marriages end in bitter divorce because a couple put themselves in the situation you put yourself and your husband in.
Find a memory care facility and place your mother as soon as possible before your husband packs his bags and leaves you.
Neither of you should be living with your mother in the condition she's in. She should not be cared for at home either. She should be secured and being cared for my a full 24 staff in a safe, locked down memory care facility.
We are all individuals who view things in our own way.
It’s the same thing with staying by someone’s side on their death bed. I couldn’t bear to see someone that I loved draw their last breath. I visited mom but didn’t stand vigil waiting for the end to come.
My brother on the other hand felt that it was important for him to be there when mom died. I respect his views and was glad that he was present at the time of mom’s death.
As the 'kid' we 'get' that our parent may not be acting appropriately, not kindly at all. But we're 'the kid' and are USED to it. Our LO's aren't. Your DH wasn'r raised by your mom. How would he know that what she says or does is NOT truly how she feels? He gets hurt and she is pleased, either secretly or openly. I don't care who you are in this dyamic. but words HURT.
My MIL has said some unbelievably mean to me over the 47 years I've been in the family. This dynamic was in play from day 1 and I really thought I could MAKE this woman care for me.
What a sad, pathetic waste of time and energy.
4 years ago I walked out of her house and told her I would never see her again, slapped her on the back, took a Diet Coke for the road and walked out. Haven't seen/spoken to her since. My DH has been unhappy with me over this for almost all 4 years--b/c I simply wouldn't sit there and take it. AND I wasn't there to divert her attention from HIM.
My DH was absolutely blind to the cruelty she showed me. He told me all the time to be the 'bigger person' and blamed me for making his mom 'worse'.
It took her having a temper tantrum one night, some months ago, to open his eyes. She has some level of dementia and I guess one night when he was babysitting her, she felt she had to offload ALL her complaints about me. I guess this lasted for several hours. Basically, she blamed ME for everything that's wrong in her life--and of course, that's patently false.
DH had an "AHA" moment that night. He finally realized that his mother had been exactly as mean to me as I always said she was. Her 'stories' and "mine' of the same event were so disparate, he realized she'd been putting me down for, well, 47 years.
It really, really upset him.
Several days later, trying to keep this in perspective, he finally told me he had to talk to me. And he told me ALL the crap she'd been spewing all these years.
You know what? He thought I'd fall apart and cry and carry on--and all I said was "well, who do you believe now?" He said "I am so sorry she has been like this to you, and sorry that I didn't believe you."
Yeah, that was nice, but I'm not 100% mended. I don't hold a grudge, but I'm also human and a lot of times something will come up and she reminds him of how awful I am-- and he gets upset all over.
I would not have my mom live with us, I definitely can't have HIS mom living with us.
You've made your bed--if I were your DH I would be seeking other living arrangements.
Some people can have their parents live with them and it's a workable situation.
You won't find many of those on this site. We're almost all 'damaged' by our CG situations. I hope you put your DH ahead of your mom.
My DH is just BEGINNING to see that I need to come first.
I also completely understand that you feel resentment at your MILs meanness to you. You earned entitlement to resentment; regardless of her inability to filter her words, you received them. And that is as valid as the fact that MIL can't filter.
I've learned to 'hold both truths at the same time'. It's been extremely helpful: it takes judgment away from either side, and acknowledges and accepts that both (or all) parties are equally and morally legitimate.
It is unfair to think he will never lose it, think of adjustment he had to make.
Can you get respite or put Mom in respite facility and take a break or short vacations?
I now have early onset & things are progressing much faster than I’d anticipated.
I used to be like Teflon in that I had a very high stress job responding to others in crisis on a daily basis. Nothing ever made me come unglued.
I’m different now. I’m either calm or agitated- there’s no in between.
What has really helped me to not personalize what my mom says/does and helps me understand the changes in myself is factual information. Having my neurologist explain how my behaviors are changing because I only have 4% of my thalamus left & having him then give me a fact sheet with what my thalamus does & how it may affect me not having it, has made a world of difference in how I understand and accept myself & others.
It’s about brains not being whole & not able to function ideally or at all. With that in mind, it’s much easier to not take things personally.
In your husband's defense, you're asking him to live in your mother's basement! That's a lot. And the cherry on top is that he has to tolerate your mother's screaming outbursts.
Think about that for a minute. And no, he shouldn't have screamed back to your mother, but it's understandable. We all have a breaking point. The best thing that he can do is to just avoid her, in my opinion. Walk away.
My mother was always a screamer and she's still a screamer. She's been living in my home now for 6 years. Having her in my home has turned my entire life upside down. When she moved in she demanded the master bedroom/bathroom, so I gladly moved into my daughter's old bedroom. That was the least of the changes.
Nevertheless, on most days, I'll get screamed at at least one time. I typically just tell her to stop screaming at me, that it doesn't help anything. It's a victory when I don't get triggered. At 64 years old, I DO NOT like living with the screaming that I was forced to live with while growing up.
In my opinion, dementia, is no excuse to allow someone to have a reign of terror and wreck the peace on a daily basis.
And she's my mother - heaven forbid if she was a mother-in-law.
As you stated, you are between a rock and hard place, but you can - and should be - the one to diffuse the situation as much as possible.
My advice. Don't let your mother scream at your husband. Tell her to stop the minute she starts. If she doesn't, then allow your husband the freedom to stay away from her in order to protect his own mental health.
She is your mother. It's your responsibility to deal with her.
Peace.
We moved my MIL in with us and it was pure Hell for me. The once loving and kind woman who loved me like a daughter forgot who I was first. Whoever she thought I was with her dementia made her hate me. She would verbally and physically attack me at times, and I was forced to hide from her in my own home. Because of his pain at seeing his mother like this, my husband did not support me at all in my feelings in our situation. He blamed me for not being strong enough, all while he was not handling the situation well at all.
Please do not let anyone place blame on you! There is absolutely no way that you or your husband could have known how things would change! Please do consider placing your mom in a memory care facility. If not for the sake of your marriage, at least so that you have some peace of mind.
I am currently caring for my mother, who has more physical challenges and some mental decline, but does not have dementia. She also never wants to have to be placed in a care home and we are trying to honor her wishes but it is hurting me to try to care for her. I had to give up a job that I loved and was good at to care for her and there is resentment there. It has prompted me to tell my kids that I never want them to rearrange their lives for me. Just find me a clean and nice care home and come visit me often. I refuse to disrupt their lives as mine as been disrupted. My husband criticizes me a lot, without realizing that he is doing it, and I do not feel supported by anyone. Please remember that both you and your husband are trying to handle this the best that you can. Everyone will make mistakes and lose their tempers but shame on anyone who will place the blame squarely on your shoulders, or his.
Many people can comment on your situation and give you as much advice as they want, but you are the only ones living it. And every situation is vastly different. I wish you and your husband the best and hope that you can all find peace in this crazy situation.
Tell him it's time to let go of the anger and being noncommunicative with mom.
I think he longs for time alone with his wife and living as they did before they moved in with her mom.
This is a huge adjustment for him. It’s hard for her too. I think it’s harder for him. This isn’t his mom.
Perhaps for some people, like the wife, it’s easier to have more compassion for their own parents.
It’s tough to share a home with our parents. It was difficult for my husband and I when my mom lived in our home for several years.
I regret not placing my mom because it affected my husband’s life greatly.
My mom wasn’t mean to my husband but we missed having our privacy and not being able to do the things that we did before mom moved in with us.
And, sorry to say this, but the dementia illness and all of the behaviors and safety and physical care as well as dealing with the emotional components of the dementia person AND, the needs and differences among " well" family will be an enormous challenge.
I hope perhaps you will go ahead now and get her PCP to refer you to some form of homes health services to start getting help with her and assist you and your husband with suggestions to help cope.
If you like, call a local hospice of choice and talk with the clinical supervisor, perhaps have them come and assess your mother for hospice admit appropriatness; they can beca big help with not only care but guidance and support with family as disease progresses and will provide respite care for PT to give you and husband a break. And, I don't know why exactly you decided to move in with her vs placing her in a memory care facility but remember that decision can always be revised. Get her PCP to refer you to a Geriatric Case Manager usually a licensed social worker to provide you with support and guidance re options. And, while you're at it, you may want to confer with an Elder Law Attorney as the ins and outs of caring for aging , who's who,what s what etc is very complex ...
Practice self care !
Let me just say that it’s hard to live with our family members regardless of whether they have or don’t have any form of dementia. Dementia certainly adds another layer to your challenging situation.
I realize that you want the best care for your mom. I saw in one of your responses that you and your husband mutually agreed on moving in with your mom as an interim solution until you find placement.
I don’t see any point in making you feel badly about a bad call in judgment by moving in with your mom, so I won’t go there. Do everything that you can to remedy this situation before it becomes worse.
Your marriage and your peace of mind are equally as important as your mom’s care.
I know that you frustrated and disappointed in your husband’s reaction.
Of course, your mother’s behavior isn’t her fault, but are you willing to allow your husband the same amount of grace that you give to your mother?
Don’t expect your husband to stick around when he needs a break. Don’t berate him for not being able to tolerate your mom’s behavior. Tell him that you understand if he wishes to get out of the house.
This is a new environment for your husband. How was he supposed to know in advance that he would not cope well in these circumstances?
Place yourself in your husband’s shoes. What if this was his mom and you found that you didn’t want to be walking on eggshells all the time?
Your mom’s behavior, regardless of whether it’s due to her dementia or not isn’t an easy thing for your husband to shrug off. It won’t be any less frustrating for him even if he understands how dementia works.
Can your mom afford to hire additional caregivers so that you and your husband can return to your home?
Wishing you and your family all the best.
The op promised husband that this was temporary. Time is now up.
* Escort him out of the area / room
* If it might help him, tell him it is not good for him own health to 'argue' with her.
NUMERO 1 : NEVER EVER ARGUE WITH A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA
It is HARD to not react, even when we know what the reason is (brain cells dying / brain chemistry changing).
If he'll read, get a book explaining -
* highlight areas he needs to read
* make copies of pertinent information he needs to read
* Make appt for the family to go to provider medical professional (ZOOM) and have a discussion. He might listen better / differently to a professional, as many people do, esp when dealing with very close personal relationships.
Gena / Touch Matters
You can tell people all the things to never do when a person has dementia all day long.
We're all human beings and there's not a one of us alive today who had no breaking point. Who has an unlimited supply of patience and compassion. Not even the Dalai Lama.
Clearly life with the manipulative, tantrum-throwing, argumenative, ornery, completely out of it dementia MIL is too much for him.
This too much for anybody. The woman belongs in memory care.
It's no one's fault that dementia has made her how she is, but she belongs in memory care.
He needs to be educated.
My mom-in-law had a pattern of saying horrible things, apologizing, and then doing it again. When she asked her daughter why I stopped coming around her daughter told her and she denied everything.
The dementia makes it worse but it should not be an excuse to take abuse. I haven’t seen my mother-in-law in 4 months now and I am so much happier. My partner, like you, begs me to bury the hatchet and tries to smooth things over. She tells me how much her mom wants to see me and asks about me. She asks me to go with her to give her emotional support. This is the only reason I may see her again, because right now my response is that I am done with that woman and I may see her next at her own funeral.
People even with advanced dementia know how to be nice or can be calmed down if they are agitated. However, some people are just mean, rude, and nasty. I don’t care if their brain is broken. Don’t take it out on me.
My advice to you is to give it time and sympathize with your husband. He will eventually want to help you again. However, that may involve putting mom in memory care as this could be the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak.
Even if MIL truly does not know what she is doing or does not have control over it, her husband should not have to put up with the abuse if he doesn't want to. Being understanding only goes so far. Not everyone has a thick skin to tolerate it.
I studied on-line webinars with her for 1-1/2 years.
It will help this woman's husband considerably.
(I didn't think of this - excellent idea!) - thank you. Gena
Moving in was a bad idea, which I think you're probably aware, but this can be fixed by finding a facility for her.
Hubby needs to grow up a bit, assuming he has all his faculties and is not on the s spectrum or something that would explain why he does not understand that your mom can not control her behavior. Her brain is broken. He might want to do some reading about dementia, grey rock - response to his triggers, boundaries, etc. Maybe he should spend as much time as possible not in your mother's presence but supporting you in other ways as you care for her.
Best of luck.
You are all in a difficult situation. Your husband might not be in any mood to be corrected. He might have to figure this out for himself. Hang in there.
You simply tell them their brain is broken. With the proper medication some of the symptoms can be controlled by visiting a Geriatric Neuro-Psy doc every 6 months.
It's sad but with the Dementia's they are different people, I'm sorry to say.
Your siblings stepped away. Why didn't you? Did they perhaps think your mother needed to be in a facility, but you said no way and so instead moved in to take care of her?
Why were you the ones to move in with her? There were no other options?
This entire moving in with a parent throws me for a loop...why? There are other options available. PPl do this without doing their homework, they should come to a site like this before not after.
The husband will not adjust, honestly, nor would I. Last thing I would want to do is move in with my mother, I would live in a box under a bridge before I would do that.
So much of this mindset circulates around wanting to please a parent, because the parent wants to stay in their home although they are not capable of doing do on their own.
Life is about change and accepting the changes that happen in our life, nothing remains constant it either gets better or worse.
This will not get better.
Best of luck.
Good grief!
And husband responds in same manner SHE would?
I see more than ONE problem.
Wowie!