My dad and I have made it clear multiple times that I want no contact with my grandmother because she has physically and mentally abused me since birth until my junior year of high school. She even continued threatening violence until I graduated. I’m 18 now, but she insists on thinking I’m 15. Lately, she’s resorted to covert emotional and psychological harassment. I’ve been driven to lock myself in my dad’s room every day, even sleeping there, just to feel safe. She’s had an extreme narcissistic personality her whole life, and it’s affected everyone: my mom, who moved out when I was 4; her eldest son, who moved to Mexico before I was born; and my cousins, whose mom (my aunt) moved out when I was 9.
Currently, I live with my dad, my uncle, and my grandmother. According to my dad, they all co-own the house. I’ve documented her harassment, which includes: 1. Relentless Knocking: She constantly knocks on my door or my dad’s. If I don’t respond, she bangs louder, sometimes several times an hour. It disrupts my peace and rest. Most of the time, it’s under the guise of asking if I’m hungry, only to then tell me to cook for myself. Other times, she offers to buy fast food but embarrasses me publicly for not having money. I avoid answering because she often accuses me of saying or doing malicious things or interrogates me about “plots” involving neighbors or people I talk to on my phone. Despite my dad, uncle, and I telling her repeatedly to leave me alone, she persists, even after agreeing to stop. 2. Bypassing Barriers: She uses the backyard and sliding door to my dad’s room or my bedroom window to force interactions. The sliding door doesn’t lock, so she opens it slightly to try to come in. She’s even stood there watching me sleep. When I try to be respectful, she exploits it as kindness and keeps going. 3. Invading My Room: She enters my room when it’s unlocked, going through my belongings. She’s even taken one of my phones to inspect it. Cameras in my room don’t deter her—she’s admitted she doesn’t care about being recorded. She also accuses me of stealing and uses it as an excuse to invade my privacy. 4. Stealing Personal Items: She’s taken things like an offering bowl from my altar, hair products, makeup, and items from my dad’s room, including his tablet and photos of his deceased father. 5. Leaving Trash: She places garbage, broken items, or things I’ve thrown out (e.g., broken headphones, old journals) in my room or through my window when I ignore her. 6. False Accusations: She constantly accuses me of stealing her belongings—keys, glasses, her purse—despite camera evidence showing I rarely leave my room. She’s even threatened to call the police over these baseless claims. Once, when my dad and I were cooking dinner, she tried to engage in conversation, but when he called out her behavior, she dismissed it as a “joke.” 7. Memory Problems: She forgets conversations or events and denies them happening. She refuses to take accountability, cycles between paranoia and anger, and still claims I’m 15, despite constant reminders that I’m 18. If confronted, she either gaslights us or shifts blame onto others. 8. Driving Risks: She drives dangerously, ignoring stop signs, honking at pedestrians, and speeding through yellow lights. It’s even worse at night, even when others are in the car with her. 9. Manipulation: She confuses people with bizarre, repetitive questions and falsely accuses neighbors of things like cutting bushes or conspiring against her. She’s accused me and my mom (who doesn’t even speak Spanish) of plotting against her in Spanish, claiming to hear things that aren’t real. She’s even said she’s seen me in the house on days I wasn’t home.
All of this has given me severe anxiety. Even after respectfully explaining how her behavior affects me, she either gaslights, apologizes insincerely, or agrees to stop, only to resume minutes to hours later. She even tells me to go live with my mom when I set boundaries.
Accusing you Of being a Thief , needing constant attention , Paranoia . Her Ilness should be addressed Not Ignored . She doesnt Know what she is doing so Dont take it personally , she has a mental Illness and her Doctor should Know .
You can put a combination lock on your door so she can’t get in. Wear foam earplugs.
But, yeah, can you go live with your mom?
The problem I see here is your Dad and Uncle seeming to think their Mom being this way is normal and you should just suck it up. And Mom for leaving you in this situation.
If you have a school counselor, or enroll in college and live in a dorm, that may be a resource for you to escape. (An added benefit is that you would be getting on with your life with an education). Your Dad should be willing to provide you this. If not, proceed to obtain a scholarship or go to a free community college.
It may be that you need an attorney to assist in you leaving, and obtaining the financial support due to you (lawsuit for abuse) so you can live elsewhere.
I have not heard of anyone taking this route though. So, think of yourself as
your own person from now on, and break free.
However, don't wait. You need to leave immediately, and get wise counseling outside of the community that you now know: The people whose culture has allowed this abuse of you to continue. It is more than an untenable situation.
You can even walk out with a suitcase and go to a shelter. The social workers there can get you resources for employment, housing, and crisis counseling.
You may be trapped in a Stockholm situation, feeling like you cannot escape your abusers, but you can.
In a Stockholm syndrome, the victim identifies with her abusers and tries to please them to remain relatively safe. Cannot emotionally be independent until you escape, thinking it is more complex than it is. You have been deceived by the adults. You cannot detach while still living there, or with your Mother!
Your abusers are: 1) Your Mother-for leaving you there; 2) Your Dad; 3) Your Uncle; 4) Your grandmother-who is ill and cannot stop.
First step is to identify your situation fully-your abusers are everyone who has had you live under these circumstances as a child, and as an early adult.
You are truly unsafe there. You need a counselor.
I wish for you to survive.
Do what you need to do, and do it in the morning.
Alternatively, you can call the police when grandma is harrassing or hurting you.
By the time I turned 16 I had 2-3 jobs, bought a cheap car, saved all my money up then moved out at 18. I left the cheap car to my older sister as I moved to New York City as they don't have cars there which I loved it meant more freedom to just walk away if I did not like something.
I worked in restaurants, made tips, had a responsible roommate for about 8 years, then went to work on Wall Street, went to night school for years getting a degree, moved back to my home town, then had my own place and career ever since.
Not saying every second easy but I loved my freedoms and if anyone toxic wanted to interfere well they could fly to Manhattan, take the subway to my very small apartment that had no parking, deal with whatever bohemian but responsible roommate I had, and set up a sleeping bag in the tiny kitchen. Neutralization the only option when dealing with the toxic.
They visited a few times during this checkmate, but pouted, whined or complained about my beloved NYC lifestyle the whole time because whatever petty war they started, they knew they had lost me.
Where I live we have so many adult family homes, senior living, an aging population. I have a CNA and insurances licenses but don't use them currently at my Hospice job. I know if I wanted to I could walk door to door to every adult family home or eldercare business or insurance company or restaurant or business and find 2-3 jobs in an hour. As I did that many times alone beginning at the age of 15.
It might help to work in Memory Care where these types of behaviors from people get put under control. Or it might help to work at a cheerful mall or an orderly bank where everyone seems in good mood so you don't have to get triggered by this.
I have same dysfunctional family now not a willing participant in their late stages of untreated Dementia. They refuse help just as they resented me in their life at 16 which led me to leave.
Now I wait for the phone to ring where I will get asked to respond to the latest bed sore, cracked hip, wandering, fall, sundowning, agitation, incontinence, or predator waiting in the wings to exploit, verbal abuse, insults or some homeless predator getting ignored or shut out the way I got ignored as a teenager.
At that time I decide who and what I will choose to do or use at the lowest cost just like I did almost 4 decades ago when I felt the need to exit.
I have told the homeless predator(s) "by the time this family gets done with you, you will beg for a bed in federal prison".
I feel lucky to work in hospice eldercare now in business development. It gives me peace to help willing participants during a very difficult time in their lives. Sorry you have to live with this. Hope you find the strength to pull out of it, to go live a life of freedom and possibly spend time with people who improve your life instead of ruin it.
You are going to have to move out now.
Get as good a job as you can, rent a room in someone else's home; at least it will be your own room, and get on with your life.
I don't know how OLD Grandmother is, but where there is age there is hope. If you enjoy living with Dad and Uncle you can perhaps move back in when she's gone and move on with an education.
Grandmother is quite old and ill either with dementia or with mental illness.
You don't have any keys or qualifications in helping any of that.
Sorry that your father is allowing this woman to cause such chaos and havoc in his home, but there's also nothing you can do about HIM.
Get a good job, perhaps start in caregiving at a local aging care facility. Tell them you'll start low and prove yourself by doing a stellar job wherever they put you, and then do that. Because anything has to be better than what you're going through.
IF you have the grades for it, there are full scholarships out there for college that go unclaimed every year. Speak to a counselor at your old school to find out how to begin research.
And remember this, if you are AT WORK and working hard as you can at two jobs to save money, then you are not at home during that time to be hassled. You will also be exposed in your work to people with perhaps a room to rent, and etc. Going to be tough. Sounds like you are on your own. But the good news here is you are young and healthy and I would place bets of you being able to do it!
If you have left school and are not at another educational place, have you got a job? If not, have you tried to find employment? Can you find somewhere else to live, perhaps a share house with other young people? Money helps a lot, and co-workers can provide a touch of normality for you.
Do you have help through a church? You mention she took “an offering bowl from my altar”. Your church may be able to provide you with assistance.
You probably can’t ‘stop her ... from harassing you every day’. If your father won’t take action, you need to find other assistance and preferably somewhere else to lead your life. It's up to you as a young adult, to work on finding your own solutions.
Unfortunately, your father and uncle don't seem to care enough to accept their responsibility for their mother's safety, and yours. The option left is for you to move out and start supporting yourself. I know that is a challenge. Next time your grandmother threatens to call the police, go ahead and let her. When the police arrive, tell them it's a dementia/mental health situation and ask that they get an evaluation of your grandmother for the sake of her safety.
I'm so sorry you've had to endure this for so many years. You are an independent adult now and have the freedom to leave. The longer you stay financially dependent, to more you will degrade and be degraded.
Your Grandmother is beyond being a narcissist. She may have untreated mental illness, or dementia. Neither will respond to or respect your boundaries. Your boundaries are for YOU to enforce for yourself. Expect her to ignore them. She has proven over and over that she is ignoring your boundaries or unable to see them them. Nonetheless the solution is for you to move out. Then block your family since they obviously aren't helping you.
You can report her to APS and maybe they will remove her from the home and transition her into a facility where she will get the care she needs. It's better that she goes than you. But if she doesn't go... you must.