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My mom's reality is that she is afraid of my dad: both physically and financially. She gets angry with me and says "when am I going to remove my dad from the house?" I want to be reassuring and redirect her, but I don't want to agree with the accusations of my dad.

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I have patients that say inappropriate things about others all the time. Most of the time, I ignore the comment and just redirect the conversation,
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elliotttnt: Your mother's "reality" is skewed as she suffers from dementia. Therefore, you cannot "go (along with)" it. The fact that your father unfortunately also suffers from dementia makes it even more challenging. Perhaps your mother could benefit from an anti anxiety medication. However, she may require placement in a managed care facility. Best of luck during this most difficult of times.
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As burnt caregiver replied this is one thing that would be a terrible idea to reassure her false characterization of your father, change the subject without any response to this topic. If she persists in talking badly of your father go in the other room and if it’s on the phone let her know you’ll talk with her another time
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Playing devils advocate here…if there’s a chance your dad is not as nice when he’s alone with your mom, you can always get a nanny camera or a Ring camera or similar to stick on a shelf somewhere, without your dads knowledge just to observe a day.

Normally, you just go along with whatever the person says, but I can see how how that would be. Maybe just discount it. Say, “well you know how Dad is”.

On the more likely side of your mom being delusional, when she starts up, just ignore what she says and redirect her. Let here yammer on and then cut her off mid sentence and say “it’s time for lunch, how about that soup you love?” Or say, “I think it’s time for your show to be on” or “how about some music, I’ll put on that music you like”. Just cut her off, while ignoring the hate she spews and redirect with something she may find enjoyment in. Or try asking her a question while she’s in the middle of her rant…like “whatever happen to the lady across the street with the cats” or whatever. Just something to change the subject.

Easier said than done, I know. Or as some others have said, walk out of the room, if it’s a call, hang up. Whatever method you choose, know you can’t argue and you can’t reason with a dementia patient. It just causes more stress for you and her.

Ignore and/or redirect. Keep us posted if you find something that works for you so others can use it.
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With dementia sometimes it's okay to go along with some delusional nonsense when it's harmless and doesn't put anyone at risk.
In your mother's case, you cannot go along with her dementia nonsense about your father. If redirecting her doesn't work, when she starts up about your father ignore it. Refuse to discuss it with her. Tell anyone else who visits her or who talks to her on the phone that when the nonsese about your father comes up, refuse to discuss one word about it. If it's a phone call, hang up on her. If someone is visiting they should try to redirect her if they can, but absolutely give no acknowledgement of her delusions about your father.
She will get angry. She will likely have tantrums too. This is going to happen anyway. She'll forget about it and move on to something or someone else quicker if her delusion about your father gets no attention from anyone.
Also, talk to her doctor about being prescribed some medication that can help with her delusions.
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Sarah3 Jul 2022
I agree w you, there is also another possible reason that she does this is there’s some people who are are manipulative ( unrelated to dementia but is just how they think and conduct themselves from a young age) and engage in things such as lying or stirring the pot against others. I’m not in any way saying this is the case for her but one other possible explanation. Either way I was going to post the same recommendation that you did that with something like this it’s important to ignore it, not to give attention to the person saying it as that will encourage the behavior.
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Taking care of someone with dementia is difficult when you are functioning well cognitively, I can not imagine someone with dementia taking care of someone else that has dementia.
It might be time to either get full time caregivers to care for them both or to place them both in Memory Care. (Or if dad is functioning fairly well Assisted Living where he can still do some tasks but there will be help anytime he needs it. )
If you are not there all the time you do not know what dad's "breaking point" is. There may be times when he gets angry. I know I got angry with my Husband but I would leave the room..I knew I was getting upset.. Or if he would start getting frustrated I would stop what I was doing and do something else or distract him in some way. Can your dad still do that?
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My mom did the exact same thing. I just let it go in one ear and out the other. You just have to have a self talk with yourself that your mom isn't in her right frame of mind. My mom passed 8 weeks ago. Your doing the right thing by redirecting her. Change the subject if you can. Just do whatever you can do and remind yourself this isn't her but an illness talking.
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Even if your mom is not able to communicate clearly, consider the possibility that she could be truly experiencing some problems with your dad.

Dementia can compound the already increased stress and frustration of other health and aging problems. The entire world is in turmoil.

Maybe caretaking has become overwhelming for your dad and the stress is manifesting itself when no one else is around. Nobody’s perfect. Could he be losing his temper in desperation, pure exhaustion, or frustration with his own aging?

When your mom was younger, she could get out, spend time with friends, socialize or go places on her own to get away and give herself a break. Maybe she feels stuck there 24/7.

Hire someone to come in and help to take the edge off your dad’s pressure. Spend some time with each of them alone, doing an activity that is individually selected to relieve stress for each of them.

If your dad is 100% mentally, he will need breaks from your mom and your aunt to stay emotionally healthy.

When your mom is asking about “removing him from the house,” they may both benefit at a minimum, from a break.
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Sarah3 Jul 2022
Just a brief comment about the daughter having someone else help assist. This would have to be her fathers decision, he’s her spouse so it would be inappropriate and disrespectful for her on her own to do so, she could bring it up and ask him but it’s his decision
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Speak to her doctor about medications to calm your mother. Make sure all of you mother and father's paperwork is in order. They need to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have living wills with their advance medical directives, and both of them need wills. The POA (and it's good to set up a second level of POA) also needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on your mother's behalf. You may need an attorney to assist with this. If they qualify as low income, a local social worker may be able to recommend pro bono assistance, and you can also discuss their options with the social worker. If they are no longer able to sign legal papers, it is too late to do this. Hopefully they did it while they were well. If your mother's statements are not true, and the medications don't calm her, it may be best to separate them. This situation sounds hurtful to both of them. Is your father still mentally sound and able to care for himself? Can your mother move to a memory care facility where she'll have professional caregivers? If your mother is delusional, she may no longer be mentally fit to handle her own finances. It may be time for her POA to take over.
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According to your profile, both of your parents suffer from dementia? This can turn even uglier in short order then, unfortunately. As it is, you have a bad situation on your hands with mom being so afraid of dad. She needs to be medicated, in my opinion, to relieve her agitation and angst that she's suffering. Ativan .25 mgs at first, then increased to .5 mgs was very helpful for my mother when her dementia became advanced, and her agitation was off the charts. If you are unable to get mom calmed down, then you'll have to consider placement in Memory Care b/c she can't continue living with someone she's so afraid of. Dad can reach the point where he becomes unmanageable as well. Dementia has a way of reaching those points, unfortunately. Memory Care was a Godsend for my mother, who lived there for nearly 3 years and got excellent care, before she passed in February.

You can't 'agree' with your mother on this subject, but perhaps let her know that the gentleman she's so afraid of is a friend and a person who loves her. He's there to help her and to be a companion, never to hurt her in any way. See how she responds to that. Although unlikely, she may respond in a positive fashion if she thinks he's there as a friend and not her husband. The damaged mind changes daily, sometimes hourly, and with calming meds on board, you may be able to get a better reaction from mom (HOPEFULLY); otherwise, you have little recourse but to place her.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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It doesn't matter if you "agree with the accusations" about your dad... you know they're not true and that's all that matters. It only matters that you don't agree with it in front of your Dad.

I agree with JoAnn that she may benefit from meds for anxiety and agitation, and her MPoA would be the one to help bring this about. Who is her MPoA? If she doesn't have one, this is a challenge that needs to be addressed.
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Ask her Dr if there is anything she can be given. Maybe time to place her. This is not fair to Dad.
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