I feel so not myself anymore after living and caregiving 24/7 with my mother this past year. I know that people do this for a lot longer than I have so I don’t want to sound like I’m whining. She is declining and not wanting to be here anymore because of all the pain she is in. I feel terrible for her and just want her to be comfortable. I’m ok with the chores and the keeping an eye on her all the time but I must say that something in my brain feels like it has shifted. Like I don’t know how to take care of myself anymore and that I’m really stuffing my needs and feelings. I keep fantasizing about a group I can go to once or twice a week, I just feel like it would help keep me on track. Anyone have experience with this type of thing? Thanks!
I found an online Christian based counseling website. Online was not my first choice, but I couldn't get anybody to call me back after leaving messages that I was interested in starting therapy.
My counselor and I write back and forth throughout the week. I have also scheduled phone sessions. So far, so good.
This site has also been a therapy for me. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this challenging journey.
I completely get what you mean about a brain shift. For the first time in a year, I will have about 5 full days of freedom as my sister is taking my mother. A friend asked me to come up with something to do...something I really want to do. So far I can't think of anything. Isn't that something?? I fear I have become a boring person who only knows how to cook, clean, and whip a wheelchair into the back of a car.
There is nothing like face to face support. Do give it a try if it is available in your area.
If you choose more private help, of course that is expensive. My recent experience was being turned away by 3 professionals who were all cutting back on their hours or looking toward retirement. Finally found someone, but I don't think we're a match. Small comfort but I think our identity begins to change and we are so much identifying ourselves as caregivers....when we are so much more than that and so much of who we were before doing caregiving. We just signed my mom up for Hospice, I wonder if that might be an option or any help for you? You do not at all sound like you are whining...and even if you did, we all get it and you're entitled.
I suggest you get out of the house often. If she can't be alone, hire someone to come in. If she doesn't have the money for that, it is time for medicaid and placement. My county, through the Office on aging, sometimes has free respite care for 20 hours.
I attended one for about a year before the pandemic hit. At my first visit I wondered why I was there. The second visit was better and I was hooked the third visit.
I was usually the only male at the meetings but I was comfortable. I would say it’s comforting to hear what others had gone through or are going through with their spouses. I say comforting because I realized I wasn’t alone. We were able to pour our hearts out and no one looked down on us for it. We laughed, we cried, we learned from each other.
You may attend one meeting and not get anything out of it. The next meeting may be different in that you will learn, from a member, of adult day care facilities. You may mention something no one knows about.
Yeah, I miss the group. I didn’t realize it until I started this post. Maybe soon the Senior Center will open back up and restart the meetings. I don’t do Zoom because my wife would hear the conversations and I can’t talk freely.
if you can find a local group it will be worth your time. Check the local Alzheimer’s Association or any Assisted Living or Memory care facility. They may have a list or may sponsor meetings in your area.
I don't know where you're located but in NYC you can contact CaringKindNYC.org (which mostly focuses on education and support - their legal and financial workshops were invaluable). There is also Alzheimers Association, nationwide, they also have support groups. I know people that have been going remotely since the pandemic.
Do it. Just do it
I belonged to 2 one a Support Group for Spouses. Most of the women, there were a few men, the spouses had dementia of some type so it was helpful to talk about what might happen, has happened and share some of the things I did to help and learn what others did to help in their situation. I was also a member of a VA Support Group and I learned what programs might be of use and I was able to get help and support from the VA.
You can also look to find out if there are any Adult Day Care programs in your area. Some of the programs will also have Support Groups in the same building and you can take advantage of both.
Alzheimer's Association has lists of Support Groups associated with them.
Your local Senior Center may have a list of Support Groups as well.
Andy if you belong to a Church or other place of worship they also may have a Support Group.
Myself, I found a group a welcome break in the week. (New mother's group way way back). It gave fresh insight & I learned from the more resilient members. Looking back, I did feel drawn down by the depressed/struggling members of the group. But I am so grateful for it.
Go looking & see if it's for you. Nothing to lose.
with me visiting my dad at his AL I started meeting both residents and family of residents, from there some of the family members got together for a drink after the visit and that is when we started the support group.
the support group helped me realize I was not alone with the struggles, doubts and questions I had and still have.
yes I would recommend a support group to any one caring for a LO with the following caveat; the SG has to be a good fit for you. Not all SGs are alike and know that it might take you several tries to find the one that is right for you.
You can Google to see if your city offers any kinds of support groups. That's how I found the one I now belong to. Best wishes.
Support groups can be very personal. They are not the “whoa is me” sessions some people believe they are. In fact, there are moments of laughter when someone may relate a story that is humorous. They may not be humorous at the time the caregiver is experiencing them, but, in hindsight, can make people laugh, often because they, too, had the same experience. Groups can offer emotional and practical support. Attendees relate their own struggles (you don't have to say anything at all, that's fine), and find out others in the group experience the same challenges. Even your own story, if you choose to tell it, can help others in the group cope. People of all backgrounds and income levels attend these meetings. Information and suggestions are shared among the group. A support group offers a safe place where any negative emotions about caregiving can be expressed and VALIDATED. They can also offer you ideas on how you can stay healthy.
There are support groups for many diseases; cancer, diabetes, stroke and many more. They may be held in hospitals, senior centers, churches and care facilities. Some meet monthly, some semi monthly and some even weekly. I suggest you attend one and see if it can help.