My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia in Oct 2016. My sister and I had already spent much time with her, especially my sister, due to two rounds of breast cancer, a mastectomy, & daily treatments. I worked full time then but did all I could. After the dx, Sis was given POA, both durable & medical. We put a home equity line of credit in place to make repairs on her home so that when leased, we'll have an ongoing income which will, along with her SS, pay for her AL apartment. While all this was being put in place we traded nights to feed her and stay with her overnight. She was having delusions and was scared to death in her home. She believed people were in her attic and called the police several times. We finally found a nice ALF that we will be able to afford and moved her in on July 15. So now we just have to manage the repairs, have an estate sale, and find renters! Mother will be cared for properly and we get our lives back. So we thought... First 3 weeks Mother was furious and did all she could to get us to take her back to the house that she hated. Made our lives hell. Then she was put on Aricept and everything changed. She was calm and pleasant. Whew, glad that's over! So we thought... I go for a visit and she's really on edge. Says my brother (who is a 65 yo alcoholic) was just there. That night she reverted back to furious. She accused us of taking her money and checks. (She had no cash and willingly gave up her checks previously). This is still the ongoing attitude. Added twist: As I'm paying her bills and checking her account, I discover that my brother's utilities and auto insurance have been set up for automatic draft from Mother's bank account! He can and does work so there's no reason that this should be the case. I speak with my aunt, who advises that the money be moved out of the account and the bank notified not to pay that going forward. I now am pretty sure that brother's visit was what flipped her switch. I believe he wanted money and that's what brought up the problem of her not having her checks. I did switch the account and informed the bank of my reason. Today he picked up mother and took her to the bank. He told them to change the address and phone number on the account - his of course. He is not, has never been a signer on her account, because she didn't trust him (her words). So the banker called me and let me know. The change was stopped but this shows his manipulation of her. Sis and I spoke to an attorney about guardianship but that will cost $12,000 or more. We're not well off. What is the point of spending all her money to protect her money? Either way, it's gone. She can rescind the POA's at any time and then what? He has done nothing to help us with her care. I tried to involve him in the decisions but he wanted to sell her property right away, as is and when we wouldn't agree he never called or showed up again. He didn't speak to Mother for over 7 months until his electricity was turned off. Any ideas or suggestions are appreciated.
My sister brought up the idea of a settlement for him to just go away too. That will be brought up to the new attorney. We have an appointment to meet him next week. As for attempting to talk to my brother, that may not be a good idea. It's been a really long time, but he was always physically abusive throughout our childhoods and into our teens. But he was accused of being abusive by each of his 3 ex-wives. My sister is still terrified of him and I would never allow him to get near her. Still another reason to get the guardianship, I know. But, I have to say that he was never convicted of any violence that I'm aware of.
I have moved her money to another account, but at the same bank. I've kept it there mostly because they know me and my mom and they're aware that I have paid some bills for her, corrected problems for her, and I've brought her in for a variety of reasons. I like that they have seen how I've handled her money in the past as well as now that someone is or could be watching. They also have the ability to look at my purchasing activity, almost exclusively by debit card and almost always at locations near her house. There are not many and they are for basic items such as groceries, a few household at dollar stores or home improvement stores and occasional gas purchases (I live over 40 miles away) and until she moved to AL I made the trip 3-4 times per week. They are also aware that I have made deposits to her account for a small loan that she made me before her dementia was bad. This is an extremely small bank and in the last 2 days they've shown just how diligent they really are. I've been informed of his every action and even told me what all was said.
I have read through a lot of these posts and I'm constantly amazed at what some people find acceptable behavior, especially with regard to their own parent(s)! Mother's behavior is now more like a 10-12 year old child, knowing just enough to be dangerous. But, that is due to an illness. It's painful when a parent accuses you of stealing and you only want to care for her. It's unbelievable that my own brother would encourage that delusion to benefit his own bottom line, especially considering the small amount of money here.
Thank you for the opportunity to vent a bilłi
I'm so sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I know you and your sister have given a lot of time and effort in ensuring your mom is well cared for. The actions by your brother is very troubling. I know you do not want to see your mom abused financially. If you can, please consider talking to a social worker or an elder law attorney about all your options. Given your brother's condition, he might continue to try and manipulate your mom. If he received a letter from an attorney, he might back off, but that is hard to say. I'm not sure if you and your sister could confront him and let him know that his actions will not be tolerated. Or see if you mom would want him to have a one time settlement and then revoke any claims he might have in the future.