Hello!
Only child caregiver for 87 year old mother....undiagnosed dementia...all the classic examples are there- repeating the same things over and over and over and over again, paranoid accusations, forgetting who I am, hallucinations etc.... I have tried to get her in with the doctor to get an opinion on her cognitive decline issues but she refuses and claims that it is me that has the memory problems...In the living trust it lists me as durable POA...what good is durable POA if you cannot on record get a diagnosis from a doctor??? I am her primary caregiver 24/7...on LOA from job taking care of her...don't know if I'll ever be able to return to job...tried to tell her that some outside help would be good....she doesn't want outside help....only me to be with her....this is slowly driving me insane! Simple things that I used to do like running...I can no longer do...if I'm gone away for a half hour,,,she screams that I've been gone all day...hell, I can't even take a bathroom break to take a piss without her screaming that I've been away to long! Is there a mean/nasty side to dementia? I dread the afternoons, because the personality switch kicks in and it s draiiiiiinnnnniiiing to be around and to be the subject of some of the things she says..."yeah, just don't talk back when she starts going crazy and is mean...just suck it up and take it"....easier said than done. Peace! Eric
She needs to get to a doctor and see what they think.
After over a decade and a half of spoiling my husband I inadvertently made him unsocialized by being his everything at all times. He was fearful of dementia day care and acted like Yosemite Sam saying that he was going to shoot up the place. In this day and age I was sure that they were going to reject him. What you may think is hopeless can be managed, BY PROFESSIONALS. It took about two visits and he comes home up lifted and sweet with no memory of where he was except that it was good.
I bring him to the facility. They see him coming through the locked glass doors and welcome him in by name always. Good morning David. It's so nice to see you again.
A kind gentle hand on his arm guides him in, I am positioned behind him. I don't go through the door. I get a quick nod from the staff indicating that I can go, that I should go, and I disappear for 6 glorious hours.
I've overcome my need to control, a big thing for me and more than I was willing to admit. One month into his attendence I've recently progressed in my ability to let go by taking advantage of the option of having a little bus bring him home.
So very much on the edge, why did I wait?
My husband got use to day care because prior to joining he and I attended "memory cafes" there to share pleasant times with other couples on the same journey. One time puppies were brought in to one of the cafes. Another time my David started a painting and then the caregivers and the loved ones swapped rooms and I finished the painting. Memory cafes and many other activities are free. The staff well know that the caregiver needs attention and help too. We're all on the brink. At any rate, by joining these events, the drive to this location, the building, the rooms and the staff became familiar.
Believe me I know how difficult it is to get further immersed in this culture by getting involved with such services but it's actually the only way to get relief.
Btw, not that this will make it any easier, mean behavior comes from fear, loss of control, confusion, it's self-protection in a childish way because of the loss of filters and knowledge of appropriate behavior.
I am very reactive, inside, and it takes gorilla strength to not react to his INCESSANT MOUTH and negativity. I've learned it's okay to walk out in mid harrangue and do the laundry. Put headphones on. Not responding is not sucking it up. It's the sane person taking back control.
If she says you've been gone too long, all day, tell her you've been two days, smile and say you missed her and your happy to see her again. Another time tell her you went to church, or went to meet with your support group.
Stop giving up control. Take a detached bird's eye view of your situation and condition and get cracking. Call a hospital and talk to a social worker and anyone elso you can for guidance.
You must find a support group pronto. You must let someone help you.
Got Mom into the doctor under the disguise of a arthritis knee appointment, the doc asked my mom about their phone conversation two days earlier and she told the doc she never ever spoke to him, he then asked a series of questions.... do you know what day, month, year it is etc... she didn't know, she didn't know what city she was in at that moment.... I followed up with doc and asked if he could write a letter re my POA to be activated..he said the following:
"Hi,
I can write a letter regarding that, but it would help to see a copy of the POA if you can send that. It is not common for their to see a two physician requirement on those, so I may need to see what else it would specify. We can arrange a phone appointment with a colleague of mine after, and that should be enough information with the documentation I have for them also to concur. Please get me a copy of the POA if possible".
...I hope this is the start of me gaining an active poa??
Can you get in touch with mom's lawyer to clarify what needs to be done?
In your shoes, the next time mom "goes off" in the afternoon, I'd call 911 and have her taken to the hospital- say you fear she's had/having a stroke.
Once she is in the hospital, find the social work department and tell them that department can no longer be cared for at home. Leave her home. Do NOT pick her up, sign for discharge or in any way enable her to return home.