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Hi,,,,,,,,, your Mom is afraid. There are several good suggestions on how to access care for your Mom. You could also contact Adult Protective Services to see if they can help. Your Mom's not able to manage her own affairs and she needs help. You need to protect yourself too. She sounds like she also has sun downers in addition to dementia........ Pardon the erratic typing. My computer is acting up.
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A durable POA goes into effect the moment it is signed. It should allow you to use her funds for anything related to her care. With a durable POA, you don't need a doctor's diagnosis. Sounds like first task is a visit to a geriatric psychiatrist, to get prescriptions for her hallucinations and other difficult behavior. Can you trick her into a doctor visit? Or maybe a visit over Zoom?
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NorcalAE Jan 2023
This want's the case for me. For healthcare, Dad had to sign a paper giving me access to his medical record. And I had to provide the DPOA for HC paper work. For finances, a regular bank (Chase) required Dad to be present to give me access to his accounts. His financial advisor and 'big money' accounts - required a letter from the doctor stating Dad was unable to make good decision due to dementia. And I had to get some form notarized. POAs are only good once the person is deemed incompetent - which is your challenge.
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If cannabis is available in your area, a CBD candy can make her sleep for hours, giving you time to think and plan. Try a small portion at first, see how it works on her.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
Once again, no it won't. People so often think cannabis is answer to everything. It's not. If the OP's mother has dementia it can make it even worse.
She needs to get to a doctor and see what they think.
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If CBD candy not available, give her over-the-counter cough/cold medicine with antihistamine. This will knock her out for hours.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
No it won't.
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Is it possible to set up a baby cam? I'm not tech savvy. There must be something you can show to a doctor. Perhaps even a voice recording.

After over a decade and a half of spoiling my husband I inadvertently made him unsocialized by being his everything at all times. He was fearful of dementia day care and acted like Yosemite Sam saying that he was going to shoot up the place. In this day and age I was sure that they were going to reject him. What you may think is hopeless can be managed, BY PROFESSIONALS. It took about two visits and he comes home up lifted and sweet with no memory of where he was except that it was good.
I bring him to the facility. They see him coming through the locked glass doors and welcome him in by name always. Good morning David. It's so nice to see you again.

A kind gentle hand on his arm guides him in, I am positioned behind him. I don't go through the door. I get a quick nod from the staff indicating that I can go, that I should go, and I disappear for 6 glorious hours.

I've overcome my need to control, a big thing for me and more than I was willing to admit. One month into his attendence I've recently progressed in my ability to let go by taking advantage of the option of having a little bus bring him home.
So very much on the edge, why did I wait?

My husband got use to day care because prior to joining he and I attended "memory cafes" there to share pleasant times with other couples on the same journey. One time puppies were brought in to one of the cafes. Another time my David started a painting and then the caregivers and the loved ones swapped rooms and I finished the painting. Memory cafes and many other activities are free. The staff well know that the caregiver needs attention and help too. We're all on the brink. At any rate, by joining these events, the drive to this location, the building, the rooms and the staff became familiar.

Believe me I know how difficult it is to get further immersed in this culture by getting involved with such services but it's actually the only way to get relief.

Btw, not that this will make it any easier, mean behavior comes from fear, loss of control, confusion, it's self-protection in a childish way because of the loss of filters and knowledge of appropriate behavior.

I am very reactive, inside, and it takes gorilla strength to not react to his INCESSANT MOUTH and negativity. I've learned it's okay to walk out in mid harrangue and do the laundry. Put headphones on. Not responding is not sucking it up. It's the sane person taking back control.

If she says you've been gone too long, all day, tell her you've been two days, smile and say you missed her and your happy to see her again. Another time tell her you went to church, or went to meet with your support group.

Stop giving up control. Take a detached bird's eye view of your situation and condition and get cracking. Call a hospital and talk to a social worker and anyone elso you can for guidance.

You must find a support group pronto. You must let someone help you.
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Elvis man, just saw that you got mom to a doctor and some good questions were asked. Good job! Hoping along with you that this first step leads to the changes both you and mom need. Keep persevering!
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Hi, I am sorry to hear that your mom was diagnosed with Covid in July, and has likely been declining, or at least feeling worse, since then. Has she received her Covid vaccine and booster shots yet? It sounds as if your mom is in a severe state of dementia, and if the doctors that you have seen still refuse to diagnose her with dementia or some type of cognitive deficit, you may wish to keep trying different doctors until you find one that will diagnose her correctly. There are mobile doctors who make house calls, and other doctors who will do virtual evaluations online. You should not go on like this, and the diagnosis that you have received from one or two doctors that you have seen so far should not be considered to be the ultimate. Her pets (are they dogs, or cats?) may give her some comfort/solace, but this is only temporary, and she will likely get worse if things continue like this.
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Hello again,

Got Mom into the doctor under the disguise of a arthritis knee appointment, the doc asked my mom about their phone conversation two days earlier and she told the doc she never ever spoke to him, he then asked a series of questions.... do you know what day, month, year it is etc... she didn't know, she didn't know what city she was in at that moment.... I followed up with doc and asked if he could write a letter re my POA to be activated..he said the following:

"Hi,
I can write a letter regarding that, but it would help to see a copy of the POA if you can send that. It is not common for their to see a two physician requirement on those, so I may need to see what else it would specify. We can arrange a phone appointment with a colleague of mine after, and that should be enough information with the documentation I have for them also to concur. Please get me a copy of the POA if possible".

...I hope this is the start of me gaining an active poa??
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Beatty Jan 2023
Yes. You did well!
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Eric, what "legal department " sent you this response?

Can you get in touch with mom's lawyer to clarify what needs to be done?

In your shoes, the next time mom "goes off" in the afternoon, I'd call 911 and have her taken to the hospital- say you fear she's had/having a stroke.

Once she is in the hospital, find the social work department and tell them that department can no longer be cared for at home. Leave her home. Do NOT pick her up, sign for discharge or in any way enable her to return home.
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