My parents are from Pennsylvania and moved out of state to our farm almost 4 years ago. They both have Alzheimer's and are in middle to late stages. About a year ago, I asked them their funeral wishes and tried to talk them into cremation. They went back and forth on it, but finally asked for a traditional burial. I would really like the simplicity of cremation and hauling their body back to the burial plot they purchased in PA would be very expensive and stressful for all of us. They have limited funds and I'm trying to be careful with it so that if one of them passes away before the other, they will have good care. Even if we go with a traditional burial here locally, the time will quickly come where they will not have money for it. The reason I am asking this now is because I would like to pre-purchase funeral expenses. Should I violate their last wishes in order to save their money for quality care? They are currently in AL and will have to be moved to a nursing home when they run out of money --- the nursing homes are horrible around here. But also part of me wants cremation because it will be so much easier for me. Opinions?
If a burial is that important to a person then it should be important enough for the person who has specific wishes to make those arrangements before they die.
Putting a financial burden on loved ones to carry out your final wishes is wrong.
When my nephew died it would have cost us over 3k just to transport his body 400 miles and another 2,500.00+ to prepare the body for transportation. That didn't include any burial or services at the other end. It could have easily exceeded 30k and I wasn't doing that. I would rather give it to the living.
Personally, I find it utterly ridiculous for anyone to expect family to fork over tens of thousands of dollars to bury a dead body that they are done with in a specific hole.
The plot is such a minuscule portion of the expense. Yet people think they have paid for a burial by buying a plot. So sad.
If the money isn't available because it was used while they were living, you have to do what you have to do. It's not your parent any longer, it's just a dead body.
Scripture says...ashes to ashes and dust to dust...this proves church teachings about cremation are not scriptural. Just in case your parents are concerned about their souls if cremated, they needn't be.
For example, in NY, you still have to hire the services of a funeral director to do a green burial. A friend of my husband requested a green burial, and it wasn't really less expensive that a traditional one. Family still had to pay the funeral home, and the plot was *super* expensive - like thousands of dollars, because there are so few of them in this state.
There was also a poster here some time ago - a caregiving daughter whose mother wanted a green burial. She came here in here in near hysterics because, according to what she understood about green burials where she lived, she was the one responsible to wrap her mother's body in the shroud and to get her mother's body out of the home and to the graveyard. Since it was just her, there was no way she could carry mom's remains out of the home. She was also having fits of guilt at the idea of going against mom's final wishes.
I was willing to do a lot for my mom but throwing her lifeless body over my shoulder in a fireman's carry to get her out of the house is not something I would be able - physically or mentally - to do.
I wish you the best in these tough decisions. You will have to do the best you can in your planning.
Funeral expenses have gone up tremendously. Not everyone can afford this. There are ways to cut expenses if you choose to have a wake.
My cousin died unexpectedly from a heart attack in her forties. She left behind three children and a husband. They were not wealthy and her husband had health issues that he was addressing himself.
What he decided to do was to hold a service, with open viewing, in a ‘rented’ casket. This cut the cost way down by not having to purchase the casket. Then he had her body cremated. They have a family plot but he chose to keep her ashes.
Everyone in my family always did the large wakes and funerals. My father did not want an ‘open’ casket. He had lost so much weight and he was self conscious about being so thin. He didn’t want people to see him in that shape.
Some people came up to my mom and me at his wake and started complaining about his casket being closed! How rude!!! They acted like they had wasted their time attending because they couldn’t gawk at him. It made me sick. I loved my father so much and it hurt me that people said this to my mother who had just lost her spouse of over 50 years!
My brother was cremated. That was his desire. His urn was placed in our family plot.
I was shocked when my mom who was never completely comfortable with the idea of cremation saying towards the end that she was fine with cremation so it would cost less, and all of her friends and many family members had died off. Covid made things more complicated as well.
You do whatever you need to do. Preparing for final arrangements shouldn’t be stressful. You have been through enough. Cremation is fine to do!
My husband and I have decided to be cremated. I have no desire for people to look at my dead body.
I had nightmares as a child from my great aunts telling me that my relatives were ‘just sleeping.’ I thought that when I went to bed that I would end up in a wooden box and not be able to get out.
I go to wakes, funerals and memorials for my family and friends to support and comfort the remaining living family. The dead are already gone. Their souls are in heaven. That’s my belief.
My friend on the other hand who cared for her sister with Downs Syndrome felt that she should have the big funeral because it was what her deceased parents wanted for her. They have a plot in a beautiful cemetery. My friend took out a special insurance policy to cover the cost and paid for the notes on that policy. Her sister got the fancy burial and she wouldn’t have had it any other way. So, it is your choice to do what you feel is best.
Other ways to save, cheaper caskets. I have heard of people ordering caskets online because they are supposed to be a lot cheaper.
There isn’t a need to embalm if you don’t do a viewing and then you can have a simple memorial service.
Whether or not you are a "person of faith", since we only borrow this mortal shell for a relatively short period of time, the means of disposal really shouldn't matter.
I have told my husband/children that when my time comes, to please do whatever brings THEM comfort after I'm gone. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
My DH and I haven't even bought a burial plot, since we really have no idea where we - or our kids - are going to end up. Silly to purchase a plot here in Orange County NY if we end up moving across the country later in life.
Our intentions are to leave enough money so our expenses are paid for; but in the event that doesn't happen, then our kids are under *no obligation* to pay for anything! Donate our bodies to science, med schools. etc. We will be beyond caring. I am Christian, and believe in eternal life, and in that belief, I sincerely hope I don't have to worry about the same crap after I'm dead that I have to worry about while alive, because frankly, that sounds like the opposite of Heaven to me.