My father is a horribly selfish, hate filled, abusive alcoholic narcissist who has recently been diagnosed with metastatic cancer. Thankfully, my mother FINALLY gave up and left him several years ago (probably much too late as she is little more than a burnt out shell of her long ago self and in need of help for PTSD resulting from decades of his abuse).....his latest affair was her last straw. He now lives with this woman he cheated with who is a mentally unstable, raging alcoholic. I had not spoken with my father for years as I truly hate him and he has never done a thing for me, his only child, in my entire life. I dropped out of school at 16 and worked 2 jobs just to save money up to get out of this man's house and away from his abuse. Suddenly, I was contacted by the awful woman he lives with and told he was in the hospital....lost his job....I'm his daughter and I should help. Well, I contacted members of his family and NO ONE will help him. The woman he lives with is there to use him for free alcohol and a free place to stay as she has no job or income and feels it is MY job to care for BOTH of them. WOW. I've discovered while going through his papers that he has blown tens of thousands of dollars in the last few years on this woman and her daughter and grandsons....meanwhile I live paycheck to paycheck and am the primary caregiver to my spouse who has a serious mental illness ( which has caused a very unstable employment situation for him). My father NEVER offered any help, no Christmas gifts, no calls ....NOTHING. Funny how neither she nor her family has lifted a finger to help him.....and I'm now the primary care coordinator for him. I got him into a program so he could get top notch cancer care for FREE. I'm fighting his battle for disability and Medicaid. I'm missing work to shuttle him everywhere. I'm begging charities for help....and every day I ask myself why I bother? I hate him....I really do. Being around him fills me with pain and anger. He has never acknowledged all he has done to me. He is still as he always was.... He doesn't even ask how I'm doing or any other little thing about myself. He allows the woman he lives with to talk to me any kind of way. He is also a pathological liar and he plays games and trys to manipylate me, his doctors, everyone. He makes everything a struggle purposefully declaring "everything will be my way!" One example of this: one of his doctors told him he had an infection and to begin taking the antibiotic on a Saturday. He waited until Monday to begin the meds, stating " i've had the infection this long....a few more days won't hurt. I'll take the pills when im good and ready!" SMH... I guess I feel obligated as there is no one else to do anything. Is there anyone else out there attempting to provide care for their abuser? How do you handle it? Should I just give up and let the chips fall where they may? I'm very tired and depressed.
Your first responsibility is to yourself and your husband. You cannot afford to miss work, you cannot afford the mental/emotional stress this puts on you. I expect you, as well as your mum, have PTSD from your early experiences with him. If anything get yourself into counselling to help you deal with the past, and let go of any feelings of responsibility towards him now. You have a big enough load with your husband and his illness. Of course you are tired and depressed. Yes, give up and let the chips fall where they may. Meet any request with a "No". Get good at saying that no matter the guilt trips they try to put on you. Expect that they will get more demanding when you say no, and prepare yourself to deal with it. Practice detaching - letting your father and g/f experience the consequences of their actions. Set boundaries - if this means not answering phone call or emails - so be it. I have a narcissistic mother and do that for my protection.
There are others that can do things for your father, maybe not family but social workers etc. That is his problem - not yours. Give it back to him and don't take it on again.
Post again and let us know he you are. You are not alone -we have others here with the same issues. ((((((((hugs)))))) and do something good for you today. You deserve it.
emjo23 has given you very sound and practical advice!
Let us know how you are doing
Second, totally ignore friends and relatives. They are quick to advise, judge and criticize but refuse to lift a finger. Don't offer explanations or answer questions about what you do. It's isn't your duty to provide hands on care, and as he's shown no sign of changing, I don't see any point in forgiveness. His lady friend can get help from her own family - you owe her nothing.
Third, if you stay in this situation, your spirit won't be at peace. It will eat at you, affect your relationship with your husband. It will take its toll on your health. And it will make it far more difficult for you to take care of yourself and your husband. And that is your primary focus - you and your husband.
You have no reason to feel guilt - on the contrary, you've proven to be a kind person despite miserable circumstances and treatment. Take all the paperwork you've amassed from Medicaid, doctors, charities, referrals etc. and give them to your dad. Tell him it's not possible for you to continue. Don't over talk it and be prepared for fireworks - after all, you're saying he's now going to have to do for himself. And hang tough on this - you can do it.
Who's right? Mom is. She knows him, she knows you and it sounds like she's trying to protect you. Hugs to you.
The next time his GF calls from the ER, ask to speak to the Social Worker. Tell her you are the last relative who would put up with this and you are done. The SW can pursue protective custody and make him a Ward of the State if that is what is needed. You have risen from the ashes of years of abuse, you deserve to get on with YOUR life and he can enjoy his downhill slide.
Look, you gave this a shot and discovered that he's still the same narcissistic guy he's always been. You get the hear warming end of life story when the guy sees his elf in the mirror, gets clean and starts respecting others, saying please and thank you. No more abuse for you sweetie. AC forum's orders!
"If there was incest, abuse, or abandonment, you may want to give up on the relationship altogether.
Taking care of someone who years before was abusive of neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive in dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
Dr. Boss goes on to say that it might make you feel better if instead of totally abandoning the family member you arrange for his care by other people, such as in a care center.
I am so sorry that you cannot have what you want, and what all people deserve: a father who respects you and values you. This is not your fault and not within your control. He is who he is, and you can't change that. Protect yourself. Remove yourself from his care picture.
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