So to give some contact I’ve essentially soft-adopted a second grandmother. I met Mary one day at the end of my shift at a supermarket. She is a sweet elderly Hispanic lady who is incredibly active and sharp for her age (pushing 85 years old). The circumstances for me meeting her were pretty unfortunate. She was left behind at the store by someone who she arranged (and paid in advance) to drive her to the store and back home. She was asking around for help and being that my shift was ending, I decided to take it upon myself to drive her home and help her with the $200 order she had. I loaded her groceries into my car and drove her 30 minutes to her home. She lives alone in what she called a “finca” (Spanish for farm), 10 miles from my store and then another couple of miles down a dilapidated dirt road. Her husband passed away 3 years ago from cancer and she never had any children. I learned Spanish as a second language and can communicate with her but can only pick out bits and pieces of her life. Long story short , she really doesn’t have anyone to depend on. Her closest ties were to her neighbor but after they left her at the store that day, that relationship is rocky to say the least.
Pre-covid I would pick her up and take her to the bank / grocery store about once a month to make sure she had food and her financials in order. I don’t know much about her financial status but I’m pretty sure she is on Social Security and has a steady government income.
Now with Covid , she (rightfully and fully understandably) is terrified of the outside world. Living in Miami Dade County it would be very risky to go out with her and when I do any grocery shopping for her I make sure I disinfect the groceries and always wear a mask around her. Since she can’t go with me to the store, I have her give me a list and then give me a check for the groceries when I deliver them.
I am planning on doing another grocery order for her tomorrow and she informed me that she will be writing the last physical check she has. Without a way for her to go out and go to the bank and receive more, I’m wondering how I can help her. I would love to provide the groceries and essentials she needs but being a young full time supermarket employee, I can’t sustain her needs and have expenses of my own.
To make matters more complicated her mail Box is a couple miles away from her house (P.O. Box style) and she recently lost / misplaced the key. I am afraid that without access to the mailbox to retrieve her bills and even more checks from the bank, this act of kindness will spiral into a frantic rush to make sure she stays alive.
I’m new to this forum and I’m new to caregiving. Sorry if this post was too long and a bit winded but I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this situation. My parents want me to contact social services but given her house location and the current pandemic , I don’t know how much good introducing her to a new system / life style would do.
thanks for reading and I’m interested to see what the opinion is on my situation
-Rob
It appears you may be slowly getting "sucked in" helping her as much (It must have been for a while since you mentioned post co vid) Don't invest so much thay you lose yourself in the process.
Obviously, you were sensitive to this elderly woman's need and you have great desire to help her and to do so in a wise way. I suggest that you should look at the bigger picture and consider whether you might want to pursue your education toward a career in social service, specifically for seniors.
if you could make connections for her so that other groups already set up in the community can help her. Then you can more happily let go. I see that you have many helpful suggestions in the answers here.
Its a bit of work for you I know but it could make all the difference for
her and indeed for you and your caring heart. You have done the right thing in
reaching out to this forum at this time. Well done!
You are such a conscientious and caring person and give of yourself so selflessly but your kindness can backfire and end up with you managing her life. So be careful. Contacting her local elderservices and social services will not only take the burden and worry off you, but give you peace of mind that there are other people who can help. She's not alone. Do not take on more than you can handle. You need your time and energy for yourself.. Most likely the neighbors started out like you, but then her life became too much to handle and they callously dropped her, which is sad. Let us know what you decide.
You should contact your local/county Area on Aging who will be able to help you at least give you some information on where, what, and how. You also should consider a lawyer to protect yourself. People with dementia or alzheimer's sometimes confuse things in their mind. This woman does not sound purely sane, no offense. God put people in situations like yours because He knows this lady will be helped. But, in defense of yourself, God expects you to find ways, and Area on Aging, local caregiver groups can help provide sources as well. I hope some of this is helpful.
As others noted, checks can be ordered by phone. If she explains to the bank the issue with the mail box, they might be able to have them shipped to her home. However, given that she cannot collect her mail, how will she get and pay her bills, even if the check issue is resolved?
For the mail box, if the PO owns that, it might be like the ones that they had at the condo complex our mother was living at. There was a group for the condos in each area. They are similar to PO boxes in the PO, but standalone. The person delivering can open the back side and put everyone's mail in, then each person has a key to access their mail box. When mom couldn't find her key, I contacted the PO about it. They don't have spare keys for those and it would require replacing the whole mechanism for her, with a new set of keys. This was going to cost her! Fortunately she did find the second key and we avoided the replacement. So, she could contact the PO and request either a key, if they can do that, or have it replaced and get new keys. She would likely either have to go to pick up the new key(s), which you could facilitate, or perhaps they might be nice and deliver the keys. She still would need to get to the box to pick up her mail after that. Can she walk that far and back?
As for the groceries - the concern others had could be valid. If there are distant relatives, they could accuse you of bilking her. If she needed Medicaid at any point, unless she is saving the receipts, they would consider this "gifting" and could deny her benefits. Even social services, if they get involved, could give you the stink eye. It would only be your word to protect you and that might not get you far.
While you could help her by suggesting the possible check and mail box solutions, there is still the issue of you having to buy and get reimbursed by check. The last thing you need is to be accused of elder abuse just for trying to be kind! Also, as others noted, if she has difficulty doing things, who is caring for her place? There's always regular maintenance and then there are emergencies to take care of. It might be best to talk with her and suggest she call social services to see what options they might have for her. She may not need much yet, but as she gets older, it can't hurt to have someone watching out for her. Some aide companies allow their employees to go to the store for the clients. Very few will drive them there and back, probably due to liability, but they do exist. However she is reluctant to go because of the virus, so if she can hire some company to do her shopping, she could pay them by check. I know it sounds like the same thing you are doing, but they would be able to back up their services, where you likely can't.
If she can manage to get the checks and mailbox issues dealt with, perhaps you could suggest she order her foods, either online if she has access, or by phone, and have them delivered. She could make payment by check to the store, handed off to the delivery person when the food and supplies arrive.
Even if this doesn't work out, do keep that handy helpful spirit! Just beware and don't let people take advantage of your kindness (if they keep pulling you in to do more and more, they are abusing your kind spirit!) Hope things work out well for your "adopted" grandma!
Before pulling in the driveway he takes her trash cans and puts them by the garage. When leaving she gives him a trash bag to take out the trash, Commercial ends,
Ironically, the same company had a similar commercial with similar incident, this time though it was 2 guys. When they were leaving she asked/thought that they would take out her trash, they politely motioned no thanks, and waved at her.
Point being, you can be too nice and be taken advantage of either intentionally or not.
You need an interpreter.
Contact her church.
Or your church, asking a wise lady or a couple known for their service, about your parents age. Meet them there to introduce Mary.
Do not take on more roles or chores for your friend. You can oversee her getting help.
Not sure about in your county, but the elderly are getting offers of food delivered and other services for free by agencies throughout
the United States. (reason for calling 211).
Today is Friday, last chance to make some calls before the weekend.
Can she write the checks made payable to the store, with your employer's permission? Do you really want to continue that part of your caregiving role?
So basically I am saying you are getting pulled into a swamp that you are not going to survive in, and tough-love talk, you need to stop it now. It will not get better. In fact it will get a good deal worse.
Your neighbor is now reportable to Adult Protective, not because she is abused but because she is helpless, without transit, down a dirt road with no family. She needs now the resources of the County and perhaps even guardianship of the county.
Thank goodness for Send Help, but I would add caution that you not get yourself involved in this, but begin to wind OUT of helping. This lovely lady needs some placement in housing from which she can negotiation the world, Covid or NO covid.
I hope you will keep us updated, because now as you try to get her connected to help you will be able to tell us what you are finding out, who will help, and how it goes.
You have BEAUTIFUL heart and soul.
You say she lives on a farm. Who is taking care the upkeep, cutting the grass, etc?
If you keep going, she could convince you to take care of these needs as well. (You're already grocery shopping for her, so it is starting).
She may be lonely as well, and would welcome your company to do more tasks for her as well.
Time to contact those who know how to handle these situations to get involved.
In these challenging times, it's heartwarming to read of someone who reaches out to help someone in need.
There's another option which I raise just because one never knows when a relationship like this can backfire, especially if she has local or out of town relatives with whom she's not close. The option would be for her to get a credit card with your name, and again I mention this only as something of which to be aware. It has and can cause many problems, and I think your generous nature might not see that right away.
Another possibility is for her to open a line of credit with the grocery store, although I have no idea whether stores in FL would do this for regular clients. If it's possible, she could speak with someone at her bank to find out how to transfer funds directly to the store, which would keep you out of the financial circle. She could call in her orders or e-mail them if she has access to a computer. You could merely pick up and deliver.
Our local Michigan stores have made arrangements for pick up and delivery, but I also know that it's not the same as having someone you know select the foods, especially if you don't want substitutions (I don't.)
Another possibility is to find out the closest senior center to her, and investigate whether or not they have a van service through a local transit company. In Michigan, some senior centers do this; my father's SC had 2 vans, with schedules arranged for medical appointments and shopping. This I think would be a desirable arrangement for her if it weren't for the pandemic issue.
But if she masked, she could at least have some companionship, and a reliable source of transit not only for shopping but for medical appointments.
Another alternative is directly through the local transit authority, many of which have "small buses", "direct transit", "connector", etc. Advance notice is required; fees are extremely reasonable, and the client (your friend) can choose the route.
Following up on Send's excellent advice re another mailbox key, it wouldn't hurt to contact the local post office and determine if there's another way to provide mail delivery much closer.
Although I haven't been in one of the vans, my best recollection is that they have capacity for at least one wheelchair, if that should ever be needed by your friend.
Another thought is to find an Hispanic group locally with which she could connect, just for telephone companionship even if she doesn't develop personal relationships or use any services for groceries.
If you're not familiar with these types of transit, this is a link for the system that serves the SE Michigan metro area:
https://www.smartbus.org/Services/Connector/Using-Connector-Service
NotGoodEnough's suggestion of Meals on Wheels is also a good one. My father had that service and met some very, very kind and concerned people. The daily food drop-offs were a nice chance for some short conversations.
Another alternative is to buy in bulk, from someplace like Gordon Food Stores. There would still be a need for fresh produce and fruit, but if Gordon delivers (I'm not sure about this), it would decrease the need for interim shopping trips and provide her with a good supply of canned goods if/when the pandemic continues or spreads.
IF she has no POA and she is with it, see an eldercare attorney and get DPOA (Durable power of attorney). You also need to be declared her healthcare surrogate. IF YOU DO NOT DO THESE THINGS STAY AWAY FROM HER.
Try giving your local meals on wheels organization a call, and
1) maybe arrange for food to be delivered and
2) I'm betting, especially in Florida, this is not the first time they've seen this situation. Since they go out to people's homes they are probably a wealth of information about local resources this woman could receive.
Ask for resources for seniors during Covid. Shopping help.
Checks can be ordered by phoning the bank, having them sent to the address on file, the home address.
You should not be advancing the money for groceries at all, comes the day the checks run out, or a check bounces. And there your name is, on her financial records, what was all that money she was paying you for, do you have receipts, an accounting? See?
Have her phone the mailbox company to mail her another key to her home. Maybe the mailbox company can Fed-ex or UPS her mail to her finca.
Your employer is liable for what you are doing grocery-wise for her, and would not be happy to hear how you are "helping" (getting involved financially) with a customer at their store. Fired?
Follow your parent's advice before this becomes one hot mess, for you. So sorry life is that way now. You can fulfill your good samaritan role by getting the help she needs, instead of doing it yourself. The good deeds you have done will come back as false accusations to you. Have you not heard? No good deed goes unpunished?
Now that this sweet little old lady has you trained to be advancing money for her, how do you know that it is not you who is vulnerable?
Of course you can talk to your parents about this. If you are doing this now secretly, behind their backs, and behind your employer's back, well then, you are not going to heed my warnings either, are you?
So this was meant to highlight the downside. There must be a silver lining somewhere...................................................................................................................................................
Thank you for taking her home. Once. Your role is finished now, imo. Harsh, huh?
Elder Resources in Miami Dade County
Miami, Coral Gables, South Miami, Kendall, Miami Beach, Miami Springs, Miami Lakes, North Miami, North Miami Beach, Aventura
Area Agency for Aging
305.670.6500
They will CHAT with you online!
Designated by the State of Florida, the Miami Alliance for Aging serves as the official local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) for Miami-Dade County. The Alliance for Aging provides access to local quality services for the full spectrum of elder needs in Miami-Dade and Monroe counties. This agency provides funds and oversees for home and community based services - that try to keep people out of nursing homes. For example the AAA helps fund services that provide meal delivery, transportation, adult-day care centers and respite services for caregivers.
For low-cost door-to-door transportation in Miami-Dade (STS) and Broward (TOPS), for those that meet ADA requirements, click the link.
It's great you are trying to help but one cannot be too careful.
I don't live in the States. I live in Canada so I don't know the laws, the healthcare system there etc. But I would say that first off you need to really investigate whether your friend has any relatives of any kind anywhere. Cousins, nephews, someone who is kin. But failing that I don't imagine you have very many legal rights and would need to ask her to perhaps appoint you POA. Can a non relative be appointed POA in the States? I'm sure others on here can help you there. It's a dicey situation though cause her money, assets if she has any need to be protected from unscrupulous people and even you being a non relative. No offense but one can't be too careful.
I know others on here who live in the States will be able help you better than I but there's my two cents.