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This is a reminder to the rest of us, as to why we need to start practicing an attitude of gratitude, LOL. Start now, in order to age gracefully!
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You state in your question that she has always been a "terrible complainer". Why do you think that would change? Perhaps you should change your expectations of her. She isn't going to do anything but complain because that's who she is. If you don't expect anything other than that, you won't be disappointed. Hard to deal with and hard to listen to, for sure, but you will know what to expect.
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Gosh 15 complaints there is only one response to that
Tell her then she must be so pleased to be there, and get up and leave.
Yes they are in every rest home, doesnt matter how good it is. Its not what they are used to
[then we find out they never did have a good life]
so ignore it, and just let her ramble, and finish it off with the how lucky she is to be able to complain so much, so many other folk dont have so many things wrong.
Dont laugh until you get back to the car
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I have to agree that looking into Narcissistypersonality would give you some insight. I’ve also noticed how aging intenifies the bad features of some personalities. We moved my mom to a beautiful home. Every complaint she had (save one) was dealt with. No handrail in the pool, so we put one in...still never used it. Two front steps were a death trap...handrail installed and never used them. Room too hot or too cold, free to tv system not as great as what she had. I can make a great meal and there will be some offhand remark about the quality. We try to ignore the majority of these useless complaints as they could fill a book.
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Thanks very much for the responses.
BTW, my sister in law is 20 years older than my husband.
ack in the day the mom's didn't do much family planning. Same thing with my own family but not quite as extreme. 13 years between me and my oldest brother, RIP.
Very good advice re: forcing my husband to visit her. She does have a bad effect on him, reminding him of their family life together. She always remained apart from the rest of them, staying in her room watching tv by herself.
All we can do is see her through to the end while sparing ourselves as much upset as we can.
Thanks again.
P.S. Its ironic that SIL was the main caretaker of their 99 year old mom (!) and did so in a begrudging way, fulfilling obligations such as bringing her denture powder, but she always was sure that DNR sign was prominently listed on the door plus she was actually cruel when visiting her, telling her she was senile, etc.
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Remember she considered herself independent at the other place. It might have been crappy but it was hers. Now she is in one room and very little independence and power. She doesnt get her meds when she likes .( she gets them around that time ..because they have to give others the meds at approx the same time. Same with meals and going to the toilet. ) I was a Nursing Home nurse and believe me it takes time to get used to this . They have to understand . If they are coming back from an event .say 20 people . You have to potty twenty people ( probably) . You cant answer calls to get off ..if your still getting others on . Its going to take time to accept this change and loss of independence. Complaining may be her only way to try to assert her power .. My Mom does it at home over the sillies things . But see ive taken over her territory and her jobs .. she feels powerless and ..thus you get complaints. Give her time. Help her to understand her new situation
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Wow SIL sounds like complaint machine!! And a real pill too. Very shabby way to
treat her mother.

I've met quite a few seniors that are just lovely and happy with everything. Sorry she's not more like this, but like others have said, narcissism tends to follow folks throughout their lives.
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She sounds like a hoot .
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Thanks very much for the responses.
BTW, my sister in law is 20 years older than my husband.

Back in the day the mom's didn't do much family planning.

Same thing with my own family but not quite as extreme. 13 years between me and my oldest brother, RIP.
Very good advice re: forcing my husband to visit her. She does have a bad effect on him, reminding him of their family life together. She always remained apart from the rest of them, staying in her room watching tv by herself.
All we can do is see her through to the end while sparing ourselves as much upset as we can.
Thanks again.
P.S. Its ironic that SIL was the main caretaker of their 99 year old mom (!) and did so in a begrudging way, fulfilling obligations such as bringing her denture powder, but she always was sure that DNR sign was prominently listed on the door plus she was actually cruel when visiting her, telling her she was senile, etc.
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I told my mom once that when I arrived before she started complaining would she please say something nice. ( she denied complaining)

So the next time when I arrived and I was busy putting away her food she came in and said
“ It’s good to see you...I guess “
I just burst out laughing and gave her a hug. I could tell she had thought about what she was going to say and was trying, so I just took it in stride.
I loved my mother very much but she was difficult when she got in her 90s. Very difficult.
We can’t expect them to change. I always had an agenda. Things to do. I wish I had taken more time to let her say whatever she wanted. I was too worn out myself to realize how much I would miss those little smartass remarks when she was gone.
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shakingdustoff:

Well Said. A big thumbs up. I agree that furnishing complainers with an audience is a form of enabling. I listen briefly to assess whether or not there's a legitimate concern and respond accordingly. After that, I don't stick around long for nonstop griping. All that does is reinforce the negativity, like wind and rain on sandstone.
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She sounds like a generally unhappy person. If his sister is 94, your husband cannot be a spring chicken himself! Stop guilting your husband into seeing his sister and let him be in charge of visiting her. If you want to visit her yourself, that's your choice; however, if he doesn't want to go, spend your time doing something that you both enjoy.
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Yes, unfortunately, if someone was a complainer in their younger years, it will continue in their older years, and with the onset of dementia, it will only get worse. You've done the best you can and gotten her into a good place - from your description, they are very attentive and take very good care of her. Trust me, they've dealt with all kinds, and her complaints will just be taken with a grim smile and a nod, because there's nothing either she or the staff can do about what she's complaining about. She's going to continue to complain, and the staff recognizes that, and they know how to deal with it. They will listen attentively for REAL complaints that have validity and weight, and take care of them accordingly, but the staff knows the difference between true, valid complaints and the whines/complaints of someone who is just crabby and has been all her life.

I'm sure the staff counts themselves fortunate that she's just crabby and whiny, not combative, throwing things and cursing. My mom had a man in a neighboring room like that for a few weeks. He had the CNAs in tears or extremely angry most days. He'd literally look right at the CNA, knock his juice glass off the tray onto the floor, and say, "There! Now clean THAT up, you f--- b----!" Felt sorry for his wife, whom he was going home to after his PT rehab was done.
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Irish,

Your frustration with your mother-in-law's continual complaining is understandable. My mom is much the same. It sounds as though some of your MIL's complaining at the private senior home you described was justifiable, and it's wonderful you were able to move her to a better living arrangement to resolve those issues. But she's always been a complainer; I totally understand that feeling of toxicity in the presence of a self-absorbed chronic complainer. These people suck all the oxygen out of the room. Their conduct is socially repellent and emotionally exhausting. And you're right: as soon as you address the problem they're complaining about, they just move on to the Next Big Thing; i.e. the staff stole the stuff they can't find. The coffee is weak. The wallpaper is ugly. A perpetual state of butt-hurtedness. (Is that a word? Never mind; I just made it one).

UTI's can cause challenging behaviors and you might consider a urinalysis to explore that possibility, although given her lifelong habit of complaining, clearing up a UTI probably wouldn't help. Has she been tested for dementia? Dementia would likely exacerbate a complaining habit. You might look into an anti-anxiety and/or antidepressant to take off the edge, as they did for my mom. At least now we can redirect her for a minute or two.

You've started off on the right foot by limiting your visits to every 2 weeks. I would suggest that when you do visit, keep your visits short, try to divert her focus from her grievances, inasmuch as you can. If during your visit she won't stop complaining, tell her you'll come back sometime when she's "feeling better" and go! No guilt! You didn't cause her problem!

I'm convinced there's nothing to be done for chronic complainers. Whining is central to their identity. You can't change their behavior, only yours. Respond accordingly and take care of yourself! Don't move MIL from her current nursing home unless her care has been compromised. Moving will produce a whole new litany of complaints, as you've already seen. Whatever you do, do not move her in with you! Your life would become a living hell!

Again, you have my profound sympathy. I wish you and your husband the best!
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At her age her world is very small. Laying out a little guilt and going on a rant probably is the only thing besides meals that she has to look forward to ! Bless you for finding such a great place for her.

Remember it takes time for folks to settle in and no elderly person likes change. Stop letting the negativity get to you. My favorite tactic when it gets too nasty is...."Look at the time, so nice to see you, gotta run....."

Freqflyer has it right...find the humor in her high standards of etiquette for nursing home dining! Breathe and stop stressing!
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Oh, MY GOODNESS!
You should have heard all the complaints that MY MOM had the FIRST 4 MONTHS that she was in the nursing home for Rehab:
--"I am the FIRST person into the Dining Room and the LAST person out of the Dining Room." (Actually, Mom was the LAST person into the Dining Room and the First person out of the Dining Room." {SIGH}
--Mom complained about the wheelchair being too hard (We purchased a NEW wheel chair with a special cushion for her.)
--Mom complained about the CNAs being rough with her while using the Easy Stand Lift. (No, they were not--I watched the transfers several times.)
So on and so forth and etc. and etc.

You need to give your husband's 94 year old sister time to get used to the routine of the new facility and time for the staff to get used to her.

You stated that "she has always been a terrible complainer". Well, just because she moved to a different nursing home doesn't mean that her personality changed also. She will ALWAYS be a complainer--she will probably complain to God when she gets to heaven. :)

I know that is it hard, BUT you need to let your husband's sister's negativity "go in one ear and out the other ear". Nod your head. Say "Oh, really?" Make non-committal replies to her complaints.

DO NOT FEED OFF OF EACH OTHER EMOTIONALLY!!

Mom and I did that a lot, and like you, I would be angry and upset after visiting Mom! Once I quit responding to Mom's complains, she did calm down a little. BUT if Mom was really mad, she wouldn't talk to me at all. That got me in trouble with a certain "By-The-Book" Social Services Assistant. (That's a story for another post.) **Once Mom's medications were adjusted properly, she quit complaining so much.** Surprise!!!

Take a deep breathe before visit your husband's sister and try NOT TO REACT to her complaints. I think that you will find that you will not get as angry as you have in the past. God Bless.
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irishdaughter11, one thing we need to remember that at 94 years old and being in Assisted Living, your husband's sister's world is now very very small.

She can no longer hop in the car to drive to the mall to have lunch with friends.... most of her friends either moved away or have passed on.... her sense of taste is no longer there as we do lose our taste buds as we age... her eyes aren't as sharp and neither is her hearing.... my gosh, she needs someone to help her bathe. And today's TV shows are filled with flying rocket ships and huge animals, thus nothing she can relate to. Hopefully she can watch the old TV show and old game show channel. Any one would be grumpy.

I see from your profile that your sister-in-law has Alzheimer's/Dementia, is that the person who are referencing? If yes, one cannot correct a person who has this type of memory loss.

It is time to use "therapeutic fibs". Just agree with her whenever she says something negative. Play along with her. A potato with a grilled cheese sandwich "OMG what were they thinking, who does that !!!" I bet you and your husband will feel better after visiting.
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Google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". You'll start to understand her "entitledness".
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Goodintentions Jun 2018
Bingo. Grew up with a father that is a classic Narcissist. We didn’t know what that was until I was almost forty. He is now in assisted living and I feel sorry for the staff.
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I guess its normal for her, if that's her life long personality
sometimes a resident of a facility will complain to family members

but with every one else they're fine.

they may claim its sooo lonely, but when youre not there...they are out visiting with others and socializing

just let her *itch and complain. just nod in agreement.

you did good. you did the right thing. shes being taken care of.

my mom complains too. not a lot, but sometimes I get annoyed too.

like they didn't make her bed "right"

coffee too hot, coffee too cold

they served her too much food. they are just trying to get rid of the extra food. :/
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Some people just like to complain; I think it reflects a negativity of outlook, at any age. Others are angry at their situation, or life, and take it out by complaining about or to others.

You mention she's haughty and private. She may feel that she's entitled to better than she's getting, perhaps something like private, catered service. Does she come from a wealthy family?

I think it can als be a reflection of not being able to either physically or mentally solve problems in a more positive way. That's not a criticism; many people have difficult solving problems at a lot of levels. And life is so much more complex these days that it was when a 94 year old person was growing up. In some ways easier, in some ways harder.

If you feel up to it, you could tell her that you've worked hard to find a place she likes but are disappointed that she finds so many things wrong with this place.

You could point out the good things, but she'd probably refute them.

You might just have to tell her that you don't know what else you can do to make her happy (if that's even possible) but you feel as if (a) you've failed at that (b) you don't know what would make her happy or (c) you would like to enjoy visiting her but that's difficult since complaints dominate the conversation.

You'd have to weigh the potential outcome - she might get ever madder; she might become embarrassed that her complaining is so pronounced.

You write that she's always been a complainer. Maybe it's time to accept that she isn't going to change, and adjust your visits accordingly. Don't let her negativity bring you down. You've probably done all you can, and even more wouldn't change her outlook. And remember, it's not your responsibility to ensure that she's pleasant.
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