A little background information about my situation…four years ago it became clear that my in-laws could no longer care for themselves. MIL had advanced dementia and FIL was showing signs too. He was also becoming increasingly frail physically and having repeated UTIs. After one particularly nasty one which landed him in hospital for a week, we finally convinced him to move (they were living two hours away at the time). He absolutely refused to consider AL so we found a senior condo complex about 20 minutes away from us. It is a very nice place with a la carte services (nurse on site, etc.), as well as some included, such as light housekeeping. I quit my job and was over there usually 4-5 times per week, helping with cooking, cleaning, appointments (FIL has a LOT of them), laundry…the regular stuff.
After about two years of this, MILs dementia progressed to the point where she was becoming violent when sundowning. We begged FIL to let us place her in memory care but he refused. Finally, staff at the condo intervened and insisted that neither he nor she were safe with her there. They told us that they would have to get social services involved if we did not place her. This was enough to finally get FIL to relent. She went into a nice home but unfortunately fell after a few months there and broke her hip. She passed away about a year ago.
While I was caring for them, I was also taking courses for a career change and working part time. I also burned out. Shortly after MIL passed, my husband quit his job and started his own business. The main reason was so that he could be more available to help with his dad (his previous job required 3 hours of commuting per day, minimum).
My MIL had mental health issues before the dementia, but for the most part we got along. It was not fun taking care of her, but doable. FIL, unfortunately, is a different story. I know the word “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot lately, but I really think that if you look it up in the dictionary, you will find a picture of him. He is horribly racist, sexist, and mean. The last time he was hospitalized for a UTI and my husband went to pick up some things from his condo, they called me asking when he’d be back because of how nasty FIL was being to the nurses. He has been telling my husband that he is worthless for his entire life. If my husband backs away from him, he will sob and say he is sorry, then start the whole cycle again.
At this point, he has become so frail that it is difficult for him to walk. If one of us is over there, he will call within an hour of our leaving to demand that we come back. Sometimes because he is afraid of falling, other times because he wants a glass of water.
He is completely dependent on us. He really can’t do anything for himself any more. His dementia, however, is at a stage where he can usually “showtime” and seem lucid around doctors, etc. Around us, he often seems lucid as well, but other times he says that he’s trapped in a foreign country and can’t find his passport.
Here’s the thing…his doctor states that he has the right to make his own decisions about how to live his life since he is not yet incompetent. I do understand that. However, I don’t understand why he has the right to decide how we live OUR lives. He has completely consumed us and it will only get worse. He does not care what this is doing to us. He states that it is our duty to care for him, even though he never took part in caring for his parents. He will never agree to go into nursing care, which the nurse at his condo agrees is where he should be. Living with us is out of the question, even though that is now what he states that he wants. I do not like this man and if he moves in here, I know he will never leave and he will destroy my marriage. Most importantly, I also have a ten year old son who deserves to have a childhood.
I suppose my question is this: why do the rights of the caregiver matter so little? I believe that elders should be treated with respect, certainly, but not at the expense of others. I think that you get one life: your own. No-one has the right to lay claim on the lives of others, parent or not. Thanks for letting me vent.
He can not stay at his current home, he needs more care than they or you can provide.
Ask the Social Worker at the hospital to arrange placement for him, possibly at the same facility where his wife was. When it is time for discharge he can go to "re-hab" there and then remain there.
You could tell him it is until the Doctors feel that he is well enough to return to his previous residence if you wish but he will remain there as his decline will continue.
Next..You and your Husband have to back off. Do not run every time he "needs" something. You both have your own lives to live. The staff where he resides should be caring for his needs as far as the agreement with the residential facility goes. Once he requires more care than they can manage it is time to "move on". A Memory Care facility will be able to handle him as they know how to deal with all types of personalities.
And me saying, "I can't be caregiver anymore", to a sociol worker when my Dad was in hospital with UTI. Kinda same mental ugly games that your husband is in. Finally hit bottom and bowed out.
Keep it here...AC saved me!
We are in Canada so we don’t have an Office of Aging, I don’t think. We are hoping the CCAC (our agency in Ontario) will be able to help us. Thank you.
Your suggestion to focus on who would take care of his father or of us if something were to happen to my husband is a good one. I will try that. At the end of the day I know it is my husband’s responsibility to make changes. But like a wife who won’t leave an abusive husband, changing a relationship with an abusive parent is hard. My husband is a kind and giving man. I think a lot of people who grow up with domineering parents are. It’s hard to erase a lifetime of grooming.
Thanks again.
"If my husband backs away from him, he will sob and say he is sorry, then start the whole cycle again." Controller, manipulator, conniver, that FIL is (thinking in Yoda speak this morning).
"The real issue is getting my husband to step back. I can’t force him. And when you have lived under the thumb of a tyrant for so long, it’s difficult to wriggle your way out. Especially at middle age."
'The h**lfire he will rain upon my husband will be epic. My husband is terrified and filled with guilt." Ask yourself and your husband why he will feel guilty; he's gone out of his way and made workstyle changes to help FIL. He's trying to find a safe place for him, and that's the important issue.
He could legitimately feel guilty if he abandoned FIL, but he hasn't. He should feel PROUD that he's been so supportive despite lack of appreciation.
Let's face it - FIL is NOT going to change; only you and your husband can change, to protect yourselves, your marriage and your son.
As you realize, your husband is really the key to the situation, but the long-term domination will be difficult for him to challenge, especially since FIL is now so dependent and in need of help more than ever.
However, as you also realize, you and your husband don't need to be that help; it's available elsewhere.
I think the first steps are those you're already taking, but also think of ways you can support your husband even more so he isn't guilted into continuing the subservient allegiance to his father.
I personally haven't had much respect for the psychological profession, although others in my family have, but perhaps some counseling could help reinforce the fact that your husband has been subordinated by his father, that he needs to recognize his own worth (and that's a major issue), and understand that he has his own life to consider first.
If he has a major stroke or heart attack, he won't be able to care for his father. And if that happens, he also won't be able to care for his family, including your young son. That might be the issue on which I'd focus.
Sometimes these caregiving situations come down to that - between the "devil and the deep blue sea". It's unfortunate, and I think it can destroy a person's self respect, and complicate an already existing low self esteem created by a dominating parent.
As to your initial comment on caregivers' rights, sometimes I see this as kind of the battle the colonists, women and minorities have fought (and unfortunately are still fighting) over the centuries for equal rights.
Unfortunately this generation is I think in the vanguard of addressing and trying to get recognition for caregivers' rights. (Maybe we should start a campaign for a constitutional amendment?) Too often we're just expected to be Supermen and Superwomen, leaping over dementia, frailty and many other obstacles, and still maintain our own lives.
But the first step is to respect ourselves and demand that our own rights be respected, and unfortunately, that's usually with the people with whom we're the closest, and then the overall medical community.
I think you're on the right path though; get as much support from governmental resources as you can (FIL can't manipulate them), help your husband work through his own subordination issues, and as soon as you're both ready, take the plunge and get FIL in a place where he can be controlled.
(It doesn't hurt to take a few "sick days" along this route to help FIL acclimate to the fact that he's not going to be able to dominate your lives forever.)
I agree that he is ready for long term care. The issue is his being in this “no man’s land”, where he is unable to care for himself but still considered competent enough to make his own decisions.
Whenever he is released from hospital, they are told that he lives alone. They still let him go. I suppose what we must do is refuse to take him. The h**lfire he will rain upon my husband will be epic. My husband is terrified and filled with guilt.
Hopefully the CCAC will be able to help us. The condo nurses will certainly back us up. I’ve also suggested that my husband and I meet with FILs doctor to explain to her how bad he has become. It’s so difficult. No one wants to be responsible for taking away a persons rights. I read on another thread about a woman who is relocating for her job and a social services has told her that she cannot. It’s just a mess. Thanks for writing.
Hopefully the CCAC will be able to help us. The real issue is getting my husband to step back. I can’t force him. And when you have lived under the thumb of a tyrant for so long, it’s difficult to wriggle your way out. Especially at middle age.
Again, I really appreciate your responses.
CTTN55, it is my husband who is picking him up from the hospital at this point. I have worried that he was going to move his father in with us in the past. Both in-laws lived with us for a few months in between selling their home and moving into their condo. It was a nightmare. Living with that man is just unbearable. However, my husband is aware that that is not an option. I have told him that if his father moved in, I’m leaving. The more pressing concern now is that my husband will leave our home to move in with his father. He has suggested that he might.
My husband has an appointment with the CCAC today to discuss his father. We live in Canada and that is the organization we deal with here for help with elders. Hopefully, they will be able to tell us what we need to do. Thank you so much for your answers.
Lkdrymom has the answer above for you. Who is bringing him home from the hospital? Your husband, right? And he tells the medical professionals that he is the caregiver. This needs to stop, and what is suggested above needs to be done. But will your husband ever get on board with this plan? I see a crisis point coming to your marriage when FIL can no longer live alone, and then your H might agree with FIL that he needs to move in with your family?
FIL is running your life, correct, but you need to stop letting him.