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demstress Why are you with your husband? If he's a narcissist as you say he is then your daughter and you both need to get away from someone like that. They serve no purpose other than to abuse you. As for the graveside burial, choose something that the two of you can think of to make it memorable to you for all the right reasons. Cut your husband loose. Someone who is cold and narcissistic deserves neither family nor empathy until they themselves can see how their insecurities drive what they want away. Good luck to ya.
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Each find a poem that you could read to each other. There's one I liked called, as I recall, An Ordinary Man. Is there recorded music you could play on your phone that has some meaning to you? Hold hands. Plan a short sequence of events so you have a beginning, middle, and an end. Like music, your thought, words, poems, actions (like placing flowers), and final music.
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you could do a simple grave site service and then hold a memorial service in your church later. Or even have a Mass said for him, if your faith allows it.
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Maybe something similar to this would work.

When his wife died (she was cremated) my son gathered small keepsakes, photos, and such that were special to her, or to him in his memories of her, put them in a small box, and buried the box along with the urn holding her ashes.
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I should take your kind friends at their word and ask them to support you. As many as you feel would make a respectable muster.

They didn't know your father, but you and your daughter can tell them a little about his life and about him. If you'd like to. Or you could share readings that you find comforting, or if they're the right kind of friends you could invite them to share thoughts.

I don't know if you're in the mood for this; but you could point out to your husband that some people have been known to attend funerals just to make sure the departed is in fact departed. He might make a bit of an effort on your behalf, surely. If he's afraid that people might think he's paying his respects... well, really, will that be so terrible?

You can't make him go if he doesn't want to, of course. And he won't be much support if he's there under protest.
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demstress Dec 2018
Thank you. Yes, it will still be my daughter and me. My friends are not going to travel out of state for the graveside service. It used to be years ago when I was growing up that when a family member died people would come from across the country to attend a funeral. There would literally be hundreds of family and friends. Today, people are so busy that if the venue is not convenient they will not attend. If you post the death on Facebook lots of people will share nice thoughts, but that is the extent of it. At least that has been my experience anyway.
As for my husband, I don't force; if he comes he comes and if he doesn't that's fine. That's him; he is a cold-hearted person in my book. I don't expect much from someone like that. Very sad.
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I am retired from the death care industry and will be the first to say a direct cremation with a simple gathering of friends, family after would not be expensive... A big funeral is a ridiculous expenditure that only serves guilt and sorrow... and after... for one thing, cremation is environmentally friendly and clean. Ground burial will be obsolete in the future. Sorry to be so direct.
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demstress Dec 2018
Thank you. My mother bought the cemetery plot many years ago. It fits two people: my father since he passed first is on bottom and when my mother passes she will be on top. It is a family plot so my aunts and uncles and my grandmother are on either side of my parents' plot. When it is my turn perhaps my daughter can make a nice piece of jewelry out of me.
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