How do you deal with a wife (in my case) that resents having your mother in the home?

My husband has been very supportive but unfortunately cannot understand the Dementia illness. When we have lack of sleep & are frustrated...he lashes out and verbally abuses her. With that said...her dementia seems to lift at that precise moment and a fight ensues. My husband has trouble biting his tongue but once its out...he says he's sorry & to him its done but mom will hold a grudge forever. She can't understand that a NH is out of the question since we never did the 5 yr paydown with her money and once a home uses what she has...medicaid won't pickup until we reach the 5 yr mark. We are stuck & unfortunately have no emotional or physical support from my siblings which pisses my husband off. It upsets me too but I have to deal with this...I quit my job...money is tight...awful situation. I feel guilty that my husband has to go through this...not exactly what we were hoping for when we got married. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm blessed...if this is blessed...I'm afraid of what being tortured would be.

SOmetimes a stressful situation can make a person really show their true colors. Sometimes we choose a spouse for reasons that no longer have an relation to the situation at hand. It is not an unhealthy attachment to want to care for your mom. I know that feeling about wanting to walk out the door myself.
Sometimes a really nice caring man marries a woman who is not so nice and caring and until the severe stress of your Mom you never woke to the person she truly is. You have to decide what is best for you.
Your Mother will be gone one day and what will you have for yourself? We all have to make steps everyday towards this or grief of our present situation can really drag us to the depths of a personal hell.

I would just add go back to counsuling since your wife does not want to go that says a lot my husband had issues but he was able to convince many docs he was ok but his wife was crazy. You can only try to make things better-try having someone step in and take care of your Mon so you and your wife can have date nights maybe once a week-give it a chance-it is possible that it will not work out- but at least you will know you have done everything possible before you end the marriage.

Burny, you need to put your wife first. It is her home too. Marriage is a sacred thing. Pretty soon your mother will be gone and so will your wife. You can still love your mother even if she has to live elsewhere. Its time to step up and be a good leader in your family and love your wife too. It is probably time to rebuild your marriage and do right by your wife. Counseling does seem right but be very careful who does the counseling, there are a lot of nuts out there pretending to do counseling, even if they have advanced degrees.

Hello Again Burnout: I don't know if you have decided to continue with this conversation, but if so, I want to offer a few more thoughts. You said, "I spend an average of 25 minutes every night making sure that Mom gets her meds, her blood sugar test and cleaning her room before I got to bed or go to work.
If that 25 minutes is a marriage killer, then we are doomed to begin with. I don't think my wife hates my Mom. She hates that our house is cramped and that we are financially unable to change that. I get that." Ok, so your house is cramped because your mom lives with you and, I think you mentioned earlier, that your mom has the best room in the house. My guess is that's the master bedroom because it has the bathroom attached. So, in all fairness to your wife, it's not about 25 minutes, it's about feeling displaced and crowded 24/7, 365 days a year for 4 years. Let's at least give her that.

Clearly you have a job outside the home. Does your wife work? If so who looks out for your mom while you are gone. Can your mom get to the bathroom safely on her own while you are working. Does your wife do anything to help her while you work? You say all your wife does is put out an extra plate at the dinner table. Who gives your mom lunch or breakfast? It sounds like she is diabetic so she probably needs her blood sugar tested more than once a day. If you only spend 25 minutes with her a day, I would think she is very lonely.

I'm not trying to nit pik here and maybe there is much more you could explain, but find it too overwhelming to go into all the details. I would understand, but as you have explained it, something doesn't add up.

It sounds like you have been on a wild ride with the daughters. I'm assuming that their trials and tribulations were also hard on your wife. Maybe she was hoping for a second chance at being a successful mother in raising the boys to be responsible adults. You did say that she is a good mother to them. That's something to be grateful for and to respect. Even after four years of being unhappy with the living arrangements, she is still with you and still has it in her to be a good mom to the boys.

I understand that you want fairness. You want her to give to you what you feel you have given to her children. You want her to support you during this time with your mom so you can live with yourself and not feel guilty about abandoning your mom.

Here's the truth, not all people are like you. Look at your siblings. I assume they grew up in the same household as you, saw all the wonderful and selfless examples set by your parents. Still, they will not help with the care of your mom.

Possibly, finances are also a problem and you can't afford to put your mom in an assisted living facility that you have confidence in. It's cheaper to do it yourself and you feel better having her under your roof. I don't know what your mom's finances are but my "guess" would be that they are minimal. Nevertheless, your mom might be happier somewhere else, where her care is provided and she has the company of others. Plus she will have the benefit of your visits, maybe even as a whole family. Maybe your wife would even go so far as to visit her while you are working. Things can shift if you make room for the shift.

You say your mom has been with you for 4 years. Your boys are 12 and 13, so they were 8 and 9 when she moved in with you. You can't get those years back with your children.

If you have been to therapy, hopefully you realize that just because we are a certain way, we don't have the right to insist that everyone we love be the same way we are. The fairness blame game is a losing proposition. If we love them, we have to accept them for who they are. They can't always be what we need. That comes from within ourselves.

I'm not making any recommendations, just offering some food for thought.

Hey BurnOut - Check back in. This IS your therapy. It's OK to speak your mind here - the core of what is getting to you will reveal itself if you continue to give you a better course of action. This discussion is all about you. Let it rip. We are sounding boards for you and won't take anything personally, even though our opinions may cut to the chase. We 'get' that you are a 'fixer' so to speak. Most of us on this site are as well. We generally end up with the yin/yang counter part= a fixee.

Burnout, I wrote to you earlier, and since then you have received some answers that I am sure are upsetting. However, my husband and I were faced with what you have had to do, and we really considered the impact my mother-in-law's presence would have on all of us. My MIL could fluctuate between being a caring person and a very critical and divisive individual. My husband and I decided that we would try to protect our son from any ugly behaviors that might result from all of us living together, and we would do this by being a team. We also planned to encourage my MIL to participate in being part of our son's education and planned to ask her to help him with studying for tests, etc even though she would not be able to be very mobile. Above all, my husband promised me that he would protect me from her verbal attacks if/when they happened. Unfortunately, she died of heart failure before any of this could take place. What I have not heard from you is what your mother's personality, mobility, and interests are. Would you mind sharing this with us? I have the feeling there are two families living under the same roof instead of one. I just wondered if your mother could have a role that is important without making your wife feel unloved or needed. You and your wife have changes you can make, and it sounds like both of you are not happy. What do your children think about the situation? If they are as unhappy as you are, your mother may be miserable, too.Could you list all of your choices and options, sit down and talk with your wife first, your mother next, and then your children? Something needs to change for all of you. I am worried for your family. Misery is tolerable for a short period, but all of you deserve better. I get the feeling you have already decided that you want to leave with your mother. Whatever your decision, we have no right to judge or criticize. I hope all of you can find happiness. Take care and best wishes.
PS My parents fought throughout my teen years. I would have been grateful to have lived in a small apartment with my mother, visited with my father whenever possible, and lived in peace. When my step-grandmother moved in instead, I had a friend and protector. That was the only way I survived their fighting and the tenseness. This is why I am worried for your children.

Hope everything better now just brought my MIL to our home & wouldnt have it any other way like you said to I was raised that way my mom took care of her father first with my grandmas help then my grandma lived with us then I took care of her in the hospital in her last days because my mom & aunts all worked Ive been in nursing always worked in nursing homes or home health and took care of my mother in her home with my father and aunts help for 3 years then when we fiannly let hospice come in the last 3 months I pretty much was her full time care giver while also raising 3 kids always there to send them off to school and feed them & tuck them in. then back to my parents dont regret a second of it!!! Then my MIL she has dementia the kids including my husband have been in denial for the last year if she wouldnt have had her boyfriend of 20 years (yea i know weird) she wouldnt of got to stay there that long.. She went in the hospital for infection in bowels had to get temporary colostomy and next thing I hear she HAS to go to NH I couldnt believe it but she isnt my mom right.. the day they admit her my husband was not impressed then his sister kept going in finding things wrong she fell like 4 times first couple days colostomy bag not sticking on so lets just say mess. ugh anyway I spoke up & said why can't she stay with us she has been here since the oldest sister that could have cared less was spending her money been a mess and to much drama for me but better now and i wouldnt want it any other way.. hope things going better for your family now to like a roller coaster some days..

Burnout: For the record, I didn't mention PMS. I was referring to menopause when I said change of life issues. I was also "guessing" that she might be age appropriate for that transition and that it might be adding to the difficulties she already is experiencing. It was just a thought and not meant in anyway to denigrate your wife.

Your wife likely has a point. It does seem just from your comments that you are choosing your Mom over your wife feelings. It is wonderful that you want to take care of your Mom. How much of the actual work is falling onto your wife? How much are you doing? The fact that your thoughts go to moving out with your Mom and leaving your wife behind likely comes through loud and clear to your wife. There are wonderful assisted living facilities I am sure close to your home where your Mom can abide and get the kind of help that someone on oxygen needs and still close enough for you to visit her often. If you and your wife are not in agreement with your Mom in your home and the work that entails maybe you need to look to her wishes as well and not put your Mom over your wife. The Bible even says to leave your mother and father and cleve to your wife-I think it was a problem even back in the days of the Bible. it is hard for 2 adult woman to live in the same house with one man (son and husband) torn between them for time and attention. Just another way to look at a very difficult situation from the eyes of a total bystander.

Burnout, I would not personally pick-n-choose family members if I can help it. of course, we don't know the whole situation for we don't live with your family. However, your mom is part of the family whether she is across the street or in your home and because she has not passed away she is still part of the family and she is your mom. On the otherhand, so is your wife and two children. Maybe everyone needs a break and maybe your wife needs some time alone with her husband or with you and the kids. Can you sat down with your wife and find out what is the key to her problem with your mom? Can U afford to get someone to watch your mom for a few hours so that y'all can have some time to yourselves? If you cannot have an adult civilize conversation with your wife then I would suggest what everyone else has pretty much suggested and that is get y'all a Family-counselor.

burntout, my mother was raised by a bitter step mother who treated her very badly. My neighbor was a bitter step mother who finally caused her husband to divorce her, my sister in law had a nasty bitter step mother who tried to leave her out of the will. That said, the fact you are kind to your step daughters tells me there are many different sides to this story.

Also, I know men who put their Mom's first. Won't stand up for the wife with family. The wife knows she is second place and the bitterness grows.

I am reading posts on here where peole seem to be taking sides. There is no way any of us can really tell who is right or wrong in this situation. Your wife I am sure will have a totally different story.

That is why you need to look at all sides of this with the help of someone else.
I am as big a defender of women as anyone. I have three daughters for goodness sake. But if ranting about how "horrible" your wife is makes you feel better, then that is what this site is for. For goodness sake, we rant about our Mothers until the cows come home. It is about releasing stress.

@Pamelasue- I apologize if I am painting myself a saint. Clearly that is not the case and I will be the 1st to say that. I am an flawed man by my own admission. Hence, I go to counseling. Wish I could say the same for my wife.

Perhaps I am giving a skewed picture of things. I can be moody and so on.

As far as my siblings. I have asked. I might as well ask Rick Perry to increase social security.

And you are correct. I don't need yours or anyone else's permission to make my life's decisions. Looking at the board I had gotten a smorgasbord of advice. Perhaps it wasn't advice I was seek. I guess I had to vent. But this is clearly not the venue for that.

Alot of assumptions are being made here. For the most part, my wife and I do not argue in front of the kids. Also, someone mentioned PMS, I didn't. The fact is no one here knows enough about our lives to give advice. Either to denigrate my wife or make me a saint. That includes you Pam. I will leave you to consult with your man-hating shrew friends as well as the folks who think I am a good humble son. I don't know about that either. I am just doing my level best to navigate this path I chose.

Sorry Pam, I should know my place. I am male and male = wrong!

I will leave you and the other wise ones to discuss. I am checking out of this discussion and going back to dealing with my business.

I believe crisis tell about people's inner personality, strength and weaknesses. I say how people "really are". Let me first say that your children are old enough to understand what's going on and as for raising males I don't believe that is the example of what you want them to say. I would suggest also getting them counseling because you may learn how they really feel about their life being "affected". What bothers them more; seeing their parents argue unnecessarily and hatefully or seeing their parents happy apart, you may be surprised at the answer. When I was with my daughter's father and I kept trying to keep the family together it was my daughter who came to me and said after numerous times of her father leaving us abandoned, "Mom please don't let him back, there is so much peace in the house when he's gone". What a turning point for me and she was 12 years old. Next, waiting causes insult to an injury. You have invested enough in your marriage that living in separate domains may not be a bad idea and keep your marriage in tact. I was fortunate because for a number of years both me and my husband were able to live in our multi-living home just living on separate levels and coming together daily for family activities. Just know that you have a right to your feelings and she does too but love must prevail through all of it. Find what is best for everyone and then follow that.

The marriage should always come first. We leave our parents and cleave to our wives/husbands. Not the opposite way around. It is a fine thing, a good thing to care for your parents. As long as it never comes at the expense of your mental or physical health, your marriage, or your children.

Your siblings need to be involved, it's clearly wrong that they are not. If they do not wish to be a physical presence, then they should cough up some money for some respite care for their mother, so that you and your wife can take some date nights, or your family can vacation together.

But I will tell you honestly, I don't really see you asking for help. I think you came here to tell us what a witch you think your wife is. You have succeeded too; just look at how many people you got to denigrate a woman that they don't even personally know. All the while making yourself look like a saint. If you want to leave your wife, you don't need anyone's approval; or do you?

dear burntout, you have many, many stressors in your life.

That said, anyone who takes someone else's children and does what you have done is a hero in my book. Your wife owes you. I know she may feel neglected or maybe she is just selfish, as I said before.

I think the counceling would help you find the right path. And I still worry about the 13 and 12 year old.

You seem to have a great sense of responsiblity. Someone needs to help you find happiness among all of this stress. How to find peace in your life is essential and a "good" councelor may be able to get you there.

No one here wants to beat you up. We only get bits and pieces and try to put together a senario. But one thing I do see is a selfless man with a good heart. Take care.

Did I discuss this before doing it?
Yes. In fact it was discussed prior to our being married. While dating my mom had a aneurysm. She survived and was under my care for 4 months. Why? My oldest brother wanted to send her to a nursing home as soon as she got out the hospital. I was compelled to not allow that.

Back then she was understanding because I could not see her much. That was then, this is now.

Now as far as anything that is done for my Mom now. The extent of my wife's care taking is fixing an extra plate at dinner time. That is it. I clean mom's bath room, scrub the toilet change her sheets, etc ad nauseaum. So I don't see how my wife's not so subtle remarks are caused by her duties.

Ok, for those of you that say "Put your marriage 1st". I agree that the marriage should come first. Coming 1st does not mean ignoring the needs of others in the family. Putting my marriage 1st should not mean I am painted into an EITHER-OR SITUATION.

Imagine if after a few years, I would have said to my wife, "This isn't working out with the kids. I think we should put our marriage 1st and send them off to their bio-Dad." I think if I said that to her she would have kicked me to the curb and rightfully so! But I did not. I attempted to fill the shoes of the girls bio-dad as best I could. And after several years of teen rebellion and teenage pregnancies, I can tell you that it ain't been a cakewalk. No heart is colder than a teenage girl in rebellion.

I love the girls, (and for those wondering, my mom accepted them as her Grandchildren). The 30 year old is just now working on her GED. I can't count the times that I have rolled out at 2am to pick her up and take her to the ER for drugs, alcohol, or domestic abuse. The younger girl is 25 with three kids. 1st pregnancy at 16. Both girls have probably hated me at some point but they have come to love me know. My IQ as gained proportional to their age.

I don't really wanna go into all the crap that the daughters have done to mess up their lives. My wife once told me, "I love you but your baggage is hard to deal with." I said "My baggage! Babe, I have a backpack worth of baggage compared to the set of loaded sampsonites you came loaded with. I didn't just accept your baggage, I embraced it and did my best to care for it. I just need a little understanding now."

When my oldest son was born, I did not put him first above the marriage or other kids. But I did have to do more for him. Why? He was an infant. Now no one said, I think you are ignoring my needs to change his diapers! I spend an average of 25 minutes every night making sure that Mom gets her meds, her blood sugar test and cleaning her room before I got to bed or go to work.

If that 25 minutes is a marriage killer, then we are doomed to begin with. I don't think my wife hates my Mom. She hates that our house is cramped and that we are financially unable to change that. I get that. I guess when I am doing stuff for my Mom that should be obvious to even the untrained eye she is not capable of doing, I don't feel like hearing a ration of shit about it.

I don't want a freakin medal. I just want to be able to do what I gotta do.

I LOVE MY WIFE! But when I compliment her she negates it. She complains about her weight, looks, hair, or you name it. This critique of self is not coming from me. I am 48 and am long past the days of chasing cheerleaders. I love her the way she is. (not the way she behaves at times).

Counseling is good but not a cure-all. Especially if the one that needs it the most doesn't see the need.

Burntout, you have no control over how your wife acts. You do have control over how you react. If she was a barking dog, you would put up a fence to protect yourself from getting bitten, and then ignore the barking. Any other solution would drive you nuts. If your wife wants loving contact from you, she needs to give loving contact to you. During the decade my MIL lived with us, I had zero trouble with my wife and she had none from me. But I was warned that mother was coming, and that she would stay with us until she died(in 2009). We thrived because everyone involved was working to be as healthy as they could. Peaceful interaction is possible, but it's the result of hard work from everybody. Good Luck. God Bless You.

Here's my thoughts for what they're worth. I alone cared for my mother for only 18 months. However she was completely immobile. I slept with one ear open and with dementia they seem to never sleep, especially at night. I was exhausted but grateful for this experience.

#1 Prior to marriage do we discuss taking care of our parents? Probably not, but should. #2 I take offense for all women when I hear "it's probably her time of the month" or "She's menopausal or hormonal." Deal with it. Without these 'hormone's my friends none of us would be walking planet earth. I think it's time we show more respect and compassion and less insults and blame toward woman. Besides, men too have this going on but due to a lack of research we discount it. #3 What DOES your wife do for "your" mother? Maybe there is more than jealousy (if) going on here. She signed up to be a wife and a mother, not a care taker, correct? Was she in agreement to your mother moving in? Was there a time limit put on this agreement? Is this your decision alone regardless of what your 'life partner" wanted? How thorough was this discussed? Also one does not know what they are in for until they are in it. Maybe a family meeting would help.

I felt compelled to make this decision and forced to view my life and make the necessary changes prior to my care-taking. I would (if I were you) treat your wife to a night out, and humble yourself to discuss this arrangement and the impact it is having on your relationship with her. My guess is that she is sacrificing far more than you are giving her credit for. The decision for taking care of a parent must be made out of love and not guilt or finances. There are other options that you could discuss the pros and cons of that will allow you more harmony in your commitment to your wife and your relationship with her.

Women/Men with nurturing abilities typically find themselves taken for granted and then become confused as to how to turn it around; They now seem to stand alone in their confusion since those people around them are benefitting and don't see the need to disrupt their life to now accommodate hers/his.

Hello, I am so sorry for the strenous things that you are going through. I understand what you are feeling. I did not have to care per se for my mom, because, she went into a nursing home from the hospital, after having a stroke. But, there are often days that I wish that I had, the time, that I didn't, have with her.

I am a woman, and therefore, understand a little about how women feel about their homes being disturbed. And, although I feel what she is going through, I do not feel that she is being loving or kind about the situation. It is one thing to vent, but, to lash out with the hurting comments that she is doing, tells me something else about her. I feel that she is selfish, jealous, and unyielding. She does not want you to feel love for anyone but, her, and the children you have together. People who love their spouse do not hurl insulting remarks, out of anger. She is being hurtful and selfish. I would sit her down, and tell her that she is hurting you by her remarks, and that they have to stop. Have you thought about a nursing home for your mom. I am certain that she can also feel the dislike from your wife. Life is too short to live in unhappiness. Hugs.

I feel for your wife, I have my mother live with me and I sometimes resent her! But, you really need to make some changes, like consider your WIFE first! Move your Mom to a nice home other than your own, where she will have people her own age and will be taken care of and then you can go see her once in a while, and save your marriage!! Good luck,

I am sorry you are going through this very tough situation. Could you please share with us about what your mother does with herself during the day? Does she have friends that visit and does she have hobbies? Also, your wife's hostility puzzles me. Did your mother accept her children that you helped to raise? Most of all, I am concerned about your children. Is this impacting their lives to the point that they avoid bringing friends to the house? A tense attitude is very tough for any teen or preteen and can have a negative impact on progress at school. As adults, we can create an atmosphere of peace or one that resembles hell. It sounds like you and your wife really need to sit down together and decide what is important to each of you. I advocate parents staying together unless the household is toxic. Is your mother able to be close to your children and help with homework as well as become an important part of their lives? That might change things. I hope for better days for all of you.

Burnout, my advice is to watch the movie "Fireproof" when you have time...it is a Christian based movie about a marriage with a husband that is self centered and a nagging wife...they almost part ways, but a 40 day LOVE DARE booklet given to the Son from his Father saves their marriage, and realizing the true meaning of love.
This is killing your marriage buddy. There is nothing that cuts deeper than a wife who constantly nags you...but, there are underlying causes that are irritating her. I don't understand the reasoning why she would be "jealous" of your relationship with your Mom, Mom isn't always going to be around, and your wife's condescending words and actions are like bricks, being added to the wall of your heart. What I'm wondering is, why your boys can't watch Mom while you and the wife go have your date night...It seems to me the entire family needs to pull TOGETHER, instead of being selfish and pushing each other away from one another. When you married this woman, she promised to love, honor and cherish you til you drop dead, sorry, but when you marry someone, you enter their family as well. Wifey needs to realize her position and SUPPORT you in your decision to take care of your Mom. There is no I in TEAM, and this is definitely a team effort.

This is very sad to me... I think your wife should be thankful that you love your Mom so much!!! I have 3 grown son's 2 are married... I love my sons but I also love their wives. I know that the wives understand the relationship and I am thankful for that. I would encourage you to get some counseling. Together and perhaps seperately too.... Your children need both of you and I admire your concern for both of them and your Mother. Your children will learn some things helping care for Grandma that they would not learn any other way! We cared for my Grandmother when my older boys were young, they still talk about her very lovingly. take care and God bless!!!

Burnout, I haven't read all the comments made because I don't have the time this morning so I apologize if I repeat anything. When I read your post what really stood out to me was that your wife is not communicating her feelings in the correct way. All the nagging is doing the opposite of what she really wants to ask for. She really loves you and it's obvious she is extremely insecure and the way she is acting is creating just the opposite of what she really wants.

Your wife is jealous of the love you have for your Mother and the attention you give to her because she is starved for your love and attention. If you have any love for your wife left start a new project and make the time everyday to tell her you love her, sit with her, talk with her but not about your mom or the kids, if you can't find anything to talk about then don't, it will come back when she starts to feel more loved... ask yourself some serious questions like do you ever make love to your wife or is it infrequent? I know it's only normal for this kind of interest to slow down after 20 yrs of marriage because I've been married this long myself.. but I can also tell that my husband and I feel so much closer to each other and are more inclined to be open and honest with our feelings when this part of our relationship isn't neglected. I know sex isn't that appealing when you get older and less attractive or overweight also but if you look at it as an expression of love and intimacy you can get past all those barriers. Make it an important part of your relationship at least once a week even if one or both of you aren't really into it. Another thing you can do is remember how you acted with your wife when you first fell in love with her. Did you hold her hand, sit close to her. Did you actually cuddle? these things might be just what she needs. If she has never been like that then you know it's not the case.

I had a very similar experience as your wife after I married my husband who I've now been married to over 21 yrs. After we were married I noticed that he was especially close to his son from a previous marriage and I wasn't jealous of his giving his son attention but more over how he would always defend his son when he was wrong about something or needed correction.. I had to learn to let it go and eventually I did and I to deeply love this Son as my own now. But what made me get those resentful feelings was that I was insecure about weather or not my husband loved me that much, as much as he loved his son. I somehow was able to communicate and my husband understood enough to see I was insecure and he made sure to give me the attention I needed. Eventually, I became secure in my husbands love for me and those resentful feelings could be minimized or let go of, I could look at my husband and instead of thinking "he doesn't love me that much" I could look at him with his son or when we talked about his son and think to myself "he is such a good father and really does love that boy"..

I know you are really stressed and the marriage is very strained and this means work to change things for the better but think about it...your wife is your life long partner your companion, trusted friend and more.. it's worth the effort to get her to the point where she no longer expresses resentful feelings by harsh comments but will instead look at you helping your Mother and want to help you and have her thoughts and comments to you be "you are such a good son" and really appreciate what a loyal, devoted and loving man you are.

My final outcome was divorce and this how it came about. When we were forced to relocate 10 years ago due to jobs we moved my mother and mentally challenged sister in with us. This was my ex-wife’s idea since we needed the money we made on mother’s home to pay a second mortgage on ours for we can sell it and move.
My sister and my mother did a lot for us from cleaning the house to caring for our dogs while we went on trips. At one point I had my mother –in-law living with us also since her own sons wouldn’t take her in.
We never paid back any of the money we used to pay that second mortgage off so I took that as we made a commitment to put a roof over my mothers and sisters head .
After 8 years of this my wife couldn’t take anymore of this even though she help create this household. Once things started to come to the point where my mother needed more care and my ex-wife who has chronic migraines said basically they move out or me . I told her that if she went keep going because my family did a lot for her and family and she was ungrateful. Sometimes there isn’t a good answer and do what you have to do . My mother is now in a nursing home and I am caring for my sister who helps me quite a bit

I feel the same kind of complaining from my husband as I care for my mother in an Independent living facility. Mom belongs in Assisted Living but refuses to go and in fact - my husband has to listen to me gripe about that. So he tries to direct my actions - which I am not capable of doing. What I try to remember is that my husband sees a change in me - and what he wants is to cure what ails me. He just doesn't understand that he can't fix it. When our kids were little and we disagreed on how to raise them - I always reminded myself that kids were temporary - that is - they would not be our responsibility for ever. I now remind myself that mom is temporary and will not be my responsibility for ever.

Well, Burntout, You have some decision-making to do, don't you? My heart goes out to you, your children, and your mother.......not so much your wife., except that it is her house also. Never forget that.
Now, first thing I might do is try counseling by laying your cards out on the table, especially your feelings. Your wife, darling that she is, should also put her cards on the table. A good counselor will guide you through this process.
In the end, however, I suspect that finding another place to live for your mother with an extra bedroom for yourself, is the most-likely way to go. I may be wrong on this. Your kids will understand. They will hear guff and complaints from their mother, of course. Perhaps, lies, but you must be strong. THIS MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE.

Burnout, you need counceling before you throw in the towel. Maybe you do pay your mother too much attention and she is able to do somethings for herself. Maybe you wife is just selfish. Who knows? Maybe it is a little of all.

The important thing here is the 13 and 12 year old. What are they experiencing growing up in such stress. Maybe it would be better to put your Mom in AL or a NH and work on the marriage. Sounds as if there are several extreme stressor in your life.

Take care of your family first. Your Mom will someday no longer be with you and your family could be in shambles. Make your family your first priority.