How do you deal with a wife (in my case) that resents having your mother in the home?

Did I discuss this before doing it?
Yes. In fact it was discussed prior to our being married. While dating my mom had a aneurysm. She survived and was under my care for 4 months. Why? My oldest brother wanted to send her to a nursing home as soon as she got out the hospital. I was compelled to not allow that.

Back then she was understanding because I could not see her much. That was then, this is now.

Now as far as anything that is done for my Mom now. The extent of my wife's care taking is fixing an extra plate at dinner time. That is it. I clean mom's bath room, scrub the toilet change her sheets, etc ad nauseaum. So I don't see how my wife's not so subtle remarks are caused by her duties.

dear burntout, you have many, many stressors in your life.

That said, anyone who takes someone else's children and does what you have done is a hero in my book. Your wife owes you. I know she may feel neglected or maybe she is just selfish, as I said before.

I think the counceling would help you find the right path. And I still worry about the 13 and 12 year old.

You seem to have a great sense of responsiblity. Someone needs to help you find happiness among all of this stress. How to find peace in your life is essential and a "good" councelor may be able to get you there.

No one here wants to beat you up. We only get bits and pieces and try to put together a senario. But one thing I do see is a selfless man with a good heart. Take care.

The marriage should always come first. We leave our parents and cleave to our wives/husbands. Not the opposite way around. It is a fine thing, a good thing to care for your parents. As long as it never comes at the expense of your mental or physical health, your marriage, or your children.

Your siblings need to be involved, it's clearly wrong that they are not. If they do not wish to be a physical presence, then they should cough up some money for some respite care for their mother, so that you and your wife can take some date nights, or your family can vacation together.

But I will tell you honestly, I don't really see you asking for help. I think you came here to tell us what a witch you think your wife is. You have succeeded too; just look at how many people you got to denigrate a woman that they don't even personally know. All the while making yourself look like a saint. If you want to leave your wife, you don't need anyone's approval; or do you?

I believe crisis tell about people's inner personality, strength and weaknesses. I say how people "really are". Let me first say that your children are old enough to understand what's going on and as for raising males I don't believe that is the example of what you want them to say. I would suggest also getting them counseling because you may learn how they really feel about their life being "affected". What bothers them more; seeing their parents argue unnecessarily and hatefully or seeing their parents happy apart, you may be surprised at the answer. When I was with my daughter's father and I kept trying to keep the family together it was my daughter who came to me and said after numerous times of her father leaving us abandoned, "Mom please don't let him back, there is so much peace in the house when he's gone". What a turning point for me and she was 12 years old. Next, waiting causes insult to an injury. You have invested enough in your marriage that living in separate domains may not be a bad idea and keep your marriage in tact. I was fortunate because for a number of years both me and my husband were able to live in our multi-living home just living on separate levels and coming together daily for family activities. Just know that you have a right to your feelings and she does too but love must prevail through all of it. Find what is best for everyone and then follow that.

@Pamelasue- I apologize if I am painting myself a saint. Clearly that is not the case and I will be the 1st to say that. I am an flawed man by my own admission. Hence, I go to counseling. Wish I could say the same for my wife.

Perhaps I am giving a skewed picture of things. I can be moody and so on.

As far as my siblings. I have asked. I might as well ask Rick Perry to increase social security.

And you are correct. I don't need yours or anyone else's permission to make my life's decisions. Looking at the board I had gotten a smorgasbord of advice. Perhaps it wasn't advice I was seek. I guess I had to vent. But this is clearly not the venue for that.

Alot of assumptions are being made here. For the most part, my wife and I do not argue in front of the kids. Also, someone mentioned PMS, I didn't. The fact is no one here knows enough about our lives to give advice. Either to denigrate my wife or make me a saint. That includes you Pam. I will leave you to consult with your man-hating shrew friends as well as the folks who think I am a good humble son. I don't know about that either. I am just doing my level best to navigate this path I chose.

Sorry Pam, I should know my place. I am male and male = wrong!

I will leave you and the other wise ones to discuss. I am checking out of this discussion and going back to dealing with my business.

burntout, my mother was raised by a bitter step mother who treated her very badly. My neighbor was a bitter step mother who finally caused her husband to divorce her, my sister in law had a nasty bitter step mother who tried to leave her out of the will. That said, the fact you are kind to your step daughters tells me there are many different sides to this story.

Also, I know men who put their Mom's first. Won't stand up for the wife with family. The wife knows she is second place and the bitterness grows.

I am reading posts on here where peole seem to be taking sides. There is no way any of us can really tell who is right or wrong in this situation. Your wife I am sure will have a totally different story.

That is why you need to look at all sides of this with the help of someone else.
I am as big a defender of women as anyone. I have three daughters for goodness sake. But if ranting about how "horrible" your wife is makes you feel better, then that is what this site is for. For goodness sake, we rant about our Mothers until the cows come home. It is about releasing stress.

Burnout, I would not personally pick-n-choose family members if I can help it. of course, we don't know the whole situation for we don't live with your family. However, your mom is part of the family whether she is across the street or in your home and because she has not passed away she is still part of the family and she is your mom. On the otherhand, so is your wife and two children. Maybe everyone needs a break and maybe your wife needs some time alone with her husband or with you and the kids. Can you sat down with your wife and find out what is the key to her problem with your mom? Can U afford to get someone to watch your mom for a few hours so that y'all can have some time to yourselves? If you cannot have an adult civilize conversation with your wife then I would suggest what everyone else has pretty much suggested and that is get y'all a Family-counselor.

Your wife likely has a point. It does seem just from your comments that you are choosing your Mom over your wife feelings. It is wonderful that you want to take care of your Mom. How much of the actual work is falling onto your wife? How much are you doing? The fact that your thoughts go to moving out with your Mom and leaving your wife behind likely comes through loud and clear to your wife. There are wonderful assisted living facilities I am sure close to your home where your Mom can abide and get the kind of help that someone on oxygen needs and still close enough for you to visit her often. If you and your wife are not in agreement with your Mom in your home and the work that entails maybe you need to look to her wishes as well and not put your Mom over your wife. The Bible even says to leave your mother and father and cleve to your wife-I think it was a problem even back in the days of the Bible. it is hard for 2 adult woman to live in the same house with one man (son and husband) torn between them for time and attention. Just another way to look at a very difficult situation from the eyes of a total bystander.

Burnout: For the record, I didn't mention PMS. I was referring to menopause when I said change of life issues. I was also "guessing" that she might be age appropriate for that transition and that it might be adding to the difficulties she already is experiencing. It was just a thought and not meant in anyway to denigrate your wife.

Hope everything better now just brought my MIL to our home & wouldnt have it any other way like you said to I was raised that way my mom took care of her father first with my grandmas help then my grandma lived with us then I took care of her in the hospital in her last days because my mom & aunts all worked Ive been in nursing always worked in nursing homes or home health and took care of my mother in her home with my father and aunts help for 3 years then when we fiannly let hospice come in the last 3 months I pretty much was her full time care giver while also raising 3 kids always there to send them off to school and feed them & tuck them in. then back to my parents dont regret a second of it!!! Then my MIL she has dementia the kids including my husband have been in denial for the last year if she wouldnt have had her boyfriend of 20 years (yea i know weird) she wouldnt of got to stay there that long.. She went in the hospital for infection in bowels had to get temporary colostomy and next thing I hear she HAS to go to NH I couldnt believe it but she isnt my mom right.. the day they admit her my husband was not impressed then his sister kept going in finding things wrong she fell like 4 times first couple days colostomy bag not sticking on so lets just say mess. ugh anyway I spoke up & said why can't she stay with us she has been here since the oldest sister that could have cared less was spending her money been a mess and to much drama for me but better now and i wouldnt want it any other way.. hope things going better for your family now to like a roller coaster some days..

Burnout, I wrote to you earlier, and since then you have received some answers that I am sure are upsetting. However, my husband and I were faced with what you have had to do, and we really considered the impact my mother-in-law's presence would have on all of us. My MIL could fluctuate between being a caring person and a very critical and divisive individual. My husband and I decided that we would try to protect our son from any ugly behaviors that might result from all of us living together, and we would do this by being a team. We also planned to encourage my MIL to participate in being part of our son's education and planned to ask her to help him with studying for tests, etc even though she would not be able to be very mobile. Above all, my husband promised me that he would protect me from her verbal attacks if/when they happened. Unfortunately, she died of heart failure before any of this could take place. What I have not heard from you is what your mother's personality, mobility, and interests are. Would you mind sharing this with us? I have the feeling there are two families living under the same roof instead of one. I just wondered if your mother could have a role that is important without making your wife feel unloved or needed. You and your wife have changes you can make, and it sounds like both of you are not happy. What do your children think about the situation? If they are as unhappy as you are, your mother may be miserable, too.Could you list all of your choices and options, sit down and talk with your wife first, your mother next, and then your children? Something needs to change for all of you. I am worried for your family. Misery is tolerable for a short period, but all of you deserve better. I get the feeling you have already decided that you want to leave with your mother. Whatever your decision, we have no right to judge or criticize. I hope all of you can find happiness. Take care and best wishes.
PS My parents fought throughout my teen years. I would have been grateful to have lived in a small apartment with my mother, visited with my father whenever possible, and lived in peace. When my step-grandmother moved in instead, I had a friend and protector. That was the only way I survived their fighting and the tenseness. This is why I am worried for your children.

Hey BurnOut - Check back in. This IS your therapy. It's OK to speak your mind here - the core of what is getting to you will reveal itself if you continue to give you a better course of action. This discussion is all about you. Let it rip. We are sounding boards for you and won't take anything personally, even though our opinions may cut to the chase. We 'get' that you are a 'fixer' so to speak. Most of us on this site are as well. We generally end up with the yin/yang counter part= a fixee.

Hello Again Burnout: I don't know if you have decided to continue with this conversation, but if so, I want to offer a few more thoughts. You said, "I spend an average of 25 minutes every night making sure that Mom gets her meds, her blood sugar test and cleaning her room before I got to bed or go to work.
If that 25 minutes is a marriage killer, then we are doomed to begin with. I don't think my wife hates my Mom. She hates that our house is cramped and that we are financially unable to change that. I get that." Ok, so your house is cramped because your mom lives with you and, I think you mentioned earlier, that your mom has the best room in the house. My guess is that's the master bedroom because it has the bathroom attached. So, in all fairness to your wife, it's not about 25 minutes, it's about feeling displaced and crowded 24/7, 365 days a year for 4 years. Let's at least give her that.

Clearly you have a job outside the home. Does your wife work? If so who looks out for your mom while you are gone. Can your mom get to the bathroom safely on her own while you are working. Does your wife do anything to help her while you work? You say all your wife does is put out an extra plate at the dinner table. Who gives your mom lunch or breakfast? It sounds like she is diabetic so she probably needs her blood sugar tested more than once a day. If you only spend 25 minutes with her a day, I would think she is very lonely.

I'm not trying to nit pik here and maybe there is much more you could explain, but find it too overwhelming to go into all the details. I would understand, but as you have explained it, something doesn't add up.

It sounds like you have been on a wild ride with the daughters. I'm assuming that their trials and tribulations were also hard on your wife. Maybe she was hoping for a second chance at being a successful mother in raising the boys to be responsible adults. You did say that she is a good mother to them. That's something to be grateful for and to respect. Even after four years of being unhappy with the living arrangements, she is still with you and still has it in her to be a good mom to the boys.

I understand that you want fairness. You want her to give to you what you feel you have given to her children. You want her to support you during this time with your mom so you can live with yourself and not feel guilty about abandoning your mom.

Here's the truth, not all people are like you. Look at your siblings. I assume they grew up in the same household as you, saw all the wonderful and selfless examples set by your parents. Still, they will not help with the care of your mom.

Possibly, finances are also a problem and you can't afford to put your mom in an assisted living facility that you have confidence in. It's cheaper to do it yourself and you feel better having her under your roof. I don't know what your mom's finances are but my "guess" would be that they are minimal. Nevertheless, your mom might be happier somewhere else, where her care is provided and she has the company of others. Plus she will have the benefit of your visits, maybe even as a whole family. Maybe your wife would even go so far as to visit her while you are working. Things can shift if you make room for the shift.

You say your mom has been with you for 4 years. Your boys are 12 and 13, so they were 8 and 9 when she moved in with you. You can't get those years back with your children.

If you have been to therapy, hopefully you realize that just because we are a certain way, we don't have the right to insist that everyone we love be the same way we are. The fairness blame game is a losing proposition. If we love them, we have to accept them for who they are. They can't always be what we need. That comes from within ourselves.

I'm not making any recommendations, just offering some food for thought.

Burny, you need to put your wife first. It is her home too. Marriage is a sacred thing. Pretty soon your mother will be gone and so will your wife. You can still love your mother even if she has to live elsewhere. Its time to step up and be a good leader in your family and love your wife too. It is probably time to rebuild your marriage and do right by your wife. Counseling does seem right but be very careful who does the counseling, there are a lot of nuts out there pretending to do counseling, even if they have advanced degrees.

I would just add go back to counsuling since your wife does not want to go that says a lot my husband had issues but he was able to convince many docs he was ok but his wife was crazy. You can only try to make things better-try having someone step in and take care of your Mon so you and your wife can have date nights maybe once a week-give it a chance-it is possible that it will not work out- but at least you will know you have done everything possible before you end the marriage.

SOmetimes a stressful situation can make a person really show their true colors. Sometimes we choose a spouse for reasons that no longer have an relation to the situation at hand. It is not an unhealthy attachment to want to care for your mom. I know that feeling about wanting to walk out the door myself.
Sometimes a really nice caring man marries a woman who is not so nice and caring and until the severe stress of your Mom you never woke to the person she truly is. You have to decide what is best for you.
Your Mother will be gone one day and what will you have for yourself? We all have to make steps everyday towards this or grief of our present situation can really drag us to the depths of a personal hell.

My husband has been very supportive but unfortunately cannot understand the Dementia illness. When we have lack of sleep & are frustrated...he lashes out and verbally abuses her. With that said...her dementia seems to lift at that precise moment and a fight ensues. My husband has trouble biting his tongue but once its out...he says he's sorry & to him its done but mom will hold a grudge forever. She can't understand that a NH is out of the question since we never did the 5 yr paydown with her money and once a home uses what she has...medicaid won't pickup until we reach the 5 yr mark. We are stuck & unfortunately have no emotional or physical support from my siblings which pisses my husband off. It upsets me too but I have to deal with this...I quit my job...money is tight...awful situation. I feel guilty that my husband has to go through this...not exactly what we were hoping for when we got married. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm blessed...if this is blessed...I'm afraid of what being tortured would be.

NNY -Are you sure about the nursing home because of my experience -you are not responsible for your mothers expensives unless she gifted a large amount of money to you within 5 yrs. of her going on medicaide -which you would have to give back-she should be able to be placed in a NH if she has what medicaide considers too much in assests she would have to spend down by paying for the nursing home bills until she reached the money she is allowed to have to get medicaide the social worker would be able to do this in the NH you choose-which should be close to where you live so you can pop in at different times. When she has reached the amount she is allowed to keep-and her money should be used to preplan her final wishes for a funeral-she will be on medicaide with the social worker appling for medicaide-which they will do becasuse they want to be paid. The 5 year look back period is to make sure she did not give away her assests in order to get medicaide-which was done a lot by wealthy people in the past so the rules were changed-I hope this helps you-you might want to use her money to see an Elder lawyer to get advice what is allowed in your area to be sure but this is how it is in my state-with spouses it is a different way completly and is very sad how the spouse is treated money wise when a spouse goes into a NH-but that is another story.

BurnOut--eventually "venting" may lead to "listening" which leads to "action". We can't find a different outcome if we remain on the same course. So Please Vent. Put your ego in your back pocket for a minute. It isn't about who's 'right' - you are reaching out to fix this for ALL involved, and that's commendable.

You want to pick and choose from our comments. Perhaps you may see yourself differently, and that alone is a positive step. It's best not to focus on defending ourselves. Try to see yourself objectively. Not easy - especially when feeling immersed in problems. This site "cares" and it can be overwhelming if we listen with our ego and not our soul.

Remember your 'soul' is unhappy and needs tuning not your brain (ego). Our brains are only computers that store information that we put there. Change that information - and you can change your course.

Our only aim is to guide you since you were brave enough to reach out. Our collective hope is that You find relief and renewed direction. "Seek and ye shall find." That is God's promise to all of us!

B:

It's not easy for a wife to play 2nd fiddle in her own home. Look at it like this: #1 -- Mom; #2 -- You; #3 -- Kids; and #4 -- Wife. The last sentence in your post made it crystal clear where your allegiance is. "If it weren't for my kids, I would take Mom somewhere else and walk away from this fiasco." So who's in charge? If I were to visit, I'd probably think your Mom is the wife; and your wife some Home Health Aide about to go ballistic.

If you don't have the movie "Why Did I Get Married?," get it. There's a scene when a husband finally finds the b___s to end the squabbling between his ex and the wife. Another option you have is move out and take your mother with you; because the kids aren't going anywhere.

If I were your wife I'd file for divorce, keep the house, and collect my fair share of child support from my kids' biological father(s). You still love each other, but caring for your mother is driving a wedge between the two of you. It's not your wife's fault; it yours. Fix the problem.

Hey burntout, Everybody is just trying to give you some encouragement...I can understand where you are coming from.. you took her daughters in as your own, and even still after they should have been out on their own creating successful lives, they are out partying it up, and then calling YOU to go pick up the pieces because they were too narrow minded or selfish to go home when it was time to go home...it sounds like you have put up with much more shit than I ever would have. If people want to drink, take drugs, etc. etc...then they should be made to hold account for their actions THEMSELVES. You should have allowed her to wake up in a gutter, covered with mud and laying in her own vomit. Especially after the FIRST time you went to "save" her. What's that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
It appears your wife wants you to commit to taking care of HER family when they have needed it, did she once complain that you helped her daughters when they needed you? It would probably be safe to say NO. You, my friend, need to stand up AS THE MAN OF YOUR DOMAIN and tell everybody if they don't like the way things are, to use the door and to not let the doorknob hit them in ass on the way out. I take care of my Mom, ALONE, and one reason for that is I WON'T ALLOW ANYbody how I am suppose to do it, when to do it, or ask WHY I'm doing it. My sisters TRIED that, both of them being 900 miles away in different directions. And my response was, "if you don't like the way I'm doing it, then get your ass up here and do it yourself". And then they bring up the will, my response is " Luckily I am executor, because I will add on the charges of all the years of care I have been doing this alone, at 18 dollars an hour." I will happily divide what's left, if there is any."
See? Everybody's situation is different...my initial thoughts from your original question were that people needed to pull together in your situation, it appears YOU already have, and have yet to see the same respect you've given to your wife and her children, come your way. I feel for you man. But, don't get me wrong on this, you need to take back your kahunas from your wife, (it seems she has them tightly in her grasp) and take back your household. You ARE the man of the house. And I know...that is completely politically incorrect of me to say that, but, I'll use somebody else's metaphor to make my point..."If she was a barking dog, you would put up a fence to protect yourself from getting bitten, and then ignore the barking.".....uh, NOOOO, I would go get a bark collar and END the barking and if you need a fence to protect yourself from being bitten by your dog, then I would say some fear needs to be put into the barking dog, so that dog RESPECTS you and does not bark, growl or even look at you cross-eyed...My heart goes out to you.
Did you ever stop to think, your wife may be jealous of the things you do for your Mom because she is completely incapable of giving of herself for the benefit of her fellow man? Sounds pretty self centered and narcissitic to me.

Burnout - does your wife work outside the home?If so, who is with your mother at that time?

Wow Eddie, No one see's a guy better than a guy. My wish is that we all see the sincere, caring intent that our comments are meant to be. It's tuff to listen objectively and not be on the defensive.

Well I lied. I said I was checking out from this discussion and I did. I just needed to turn off my email notifications.

Here is the deal. I should not have created this thread and I regret it enormously. Why? Because this is not therapy. In some ways it my be cathartic but it is not therapy.

I was having a really bad day when I created this thread. Truth is, my wife is working on curbing her remarks. She ha Well I lied. I said I was checking out from this discussion and I did. I just needed to turn off my email notifications.

Here is the deal. I should not have created this thread and I regret it enormously. Why? Because this is not therapy. In some ways it my be cathartic but it is not therapy.

I was having a really bad day when I created this thread. Truth is, my wife is working on curbing her remarks. She had a lapse the other day I was wounded a bit. I wish I had done something more constructive than create this thread.

This forum is like the audience on Jerry Springer. They shouting their effn opinions and look for more drama to consume. Granted I they way I laid out the situation makes it look Springer show. It really isn’t that way (at least not most of the time).

Another reason this is not therapy is that no one here knows our situation well enough to judge the situation so quick and sure.

Some see my wife as the heartless villain, while others see her as the helpless victim. Some see me as a selfless man and devoted son, while others think I rule my home with an iron fist. It would be so easy if everything were that defined. But this shit ain’t no sitcom.

The “advice smorgasbord” has been a trip. Some say show more consideration, while other say grow some b--s. I guess I should grow more considerate b—s!

@Eddie- Dude you couldn’t be married to me. We don’t have that in my state. I am far enough north that it will be here soon but I am already taken, sorry buddy. When you say “fix the problem”. What I hear is "kick your mom to the curb". It ain’t gonna happen. We don’t roll that way.

@Kathleenbrandl – Are you smoking some legal weed out there in CA? You come across to me as someone who doesn’t get enough drama from the soaps so you look for it on forums like this. I am sure I gave you plenty to watch but I think I gotta shut it down. BTW my wife is my wife. Included in that is best friend, lover, mother of my children. She is not my “life partner”. She is BETTER than that. I am not homophobic but “life partner” sounds gay to me. Also I never blame her behaviors on PMS or the change life. It seemed you ASSumed I was thinking that. Anyway why is Eddies post good in your eyes and not sylevester18's post. After all sylvester is a guy. Is it because Eddie's seem to take the position of a male apologist?

Then there is Pamelsue who is the opposite of a misogynist. Hell I had to look this one up. To me she is an MISANDRIST. Seems to be alot of that going 'round. I think eddie is a misandrist also. Thats gotta be painful.

Here is what I think. The marriage should come first. And I think for most my marriage we (me and yes..my wife) have tried to do that.

Some of you say I gotta Leave and Cleave – yes the bible says that.

However didn’t one of the ten commandments say Honor Thy Mother and Father. I don’t think these are contradictory.

First of all Mom is not so bad that she needs 24-7 care. Her mind is good but she is physical limited to what she can do. Secondly she does not have the $$ it takes to go to a good care home. Those are reserved for the wealthy. Thirdly, I believe that my sons have learned to be a little more selfless than they would had I not had her with us. For those of you concerned about my sons they do well in school and there friends come over to visit way more than my sons go to there friends homes. Why? Because for the most part we play and laugh and love. My life in my home is not perfect by any stretch. But it is transparent. We don’t pretend to be “perfect”. We got at it sometimes but my boys can tell me they are mad at me without fear. Its not what they feel and say that gets them into trouble as much as what they do. It ain’t always pretty round here but it is real.

My wife and I have had some long talks. I am not going down to the lawfirm Boye, Wecheatham, and Howell to file for divorce. I am really sorry I let my emotions get the best of me the other day when I started this. Next time I have a bad day I am gonna go fishing or something. But I won’t air my dirty laundry on the internet. You guys are nuts. I mean that in love.

Now excuse me, I gotta set my change my email notification

Eddie is the voice of reason on this topic I believe.

Dear Eddie-- do you take care of someone? You do not sound like you do--- things are never this cut and dry. EVER and do not watch movies to handle life issues-- this is life and those are actors.

I'm sure BurnOut checked out. But his curiosity will look somewhere down the line. He did learn something about himself or should have. We did.

having another grownup living in the home is not easy. i know it would b hard on me as well. i'd listen 2 my spouse's needs/concerns, & do whatever's necessary but reasonable 2 resolve this A.S.A.P. caregiving is hard on every 1. it's just not 4 all. i deal w/ an non-family elder who has no family; i'm the closest he has 2 family. however, he refuses 2 accept help. he's a tough cookie, & i just can't help him. he lives in unspeakable circumstances, & i can't fix it. he's always complaining & griping about everything; he's NEVER happy.

I have to go look up MISANDRIST.

It's MISANDRY - which is the opposite of a Misogynist. Women who hate men. HaHa. Frankly none of us would be on this sight trying to help other's if we were either. God bless us all !!! Have a happy Sunday.