Kmjfree Asked June 2020
Elderly parents trying to force themselves into your home; do I start calling senior living places now?
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So I thought I had made it clear to my parents that they would never live with me but some comments were made on a phone call today that makes me think the message may not be clear. My mom is very entitled and does not necessarily realize her demands will not be met. I immediately said no but still not thinking the message was received as they laughed it off. My question to you guys is how to prepare so that they have a safe place to go once the inevitable emergency situation happens. Do I start calling senior living places now? My mom is a narc and horrible and I will never have her in my home.
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I got the emergency call you talked about and found out my parents had not done one thing to prepare themselves for old age. It was a mess and actually never really got stable until they had both passed away.
I would like to be a fly on the wall during these conversations when you explain to your parents that they can never come and live with you. I wonder if any objective listener would be able to tell that this is what you are saying? - let alone an entitled wishful-thinker.
When you say to your mother, perhaps more especially your father, "dearest aged parents, what are your plans for living arrangements when the time comes?" - and they say, ho ho ho, we'll move in with you - and you say, hee hee hee, I think not, what is your real plan? - what's the next line of the exchange?
What I suspect is that instead of saying NO you are giving them 101 reasons-why-not to toy with, trample on, argue about and - ultimately - ignore.
"NO. You are not moving in here. Repeat that back to me so I know you have understood me." Getting them to state in terms that they understand your home is not open to them is your goal. Not getting them to agree that you are right, fair and still a good daughter.
Concentrate!
Please don't expect either parent to "understand", "agree" or "back down" their demand that you house them. People like us keep thinking that if we just find the right way to explain things....
No. They won't. They don't think that what YOU want matters. No matter how you explain it.
They will try anger, tears, threats (disinheritance, suicide [call 911 immediately], never speaking to you again). They will trash talk you to the entire universe.
You have to just say "no, I can't possibly do that" (why?). "That plan does not meet my needs" (YOUR needs, why you little ingrate).
"It won't be possible for you to live here, because this is my home and that is what I've decided"
Try not to get emotionally invested in their approval or their anger. This is about your right to your home, your peace and your mental health.
And if you are not already seeing a counselor, therapy can be a safe space to practice these conversations and to begin to understand why you have the absolute right to say "no".
Isn't that obvious? (Lol).
After years of “nope, ain’t happening”, FIL passed away and MIL immediately moved in with her 2 daughters who live together. At week #5, the 3 of them decided MIL should move in with us. Yup, THEY decided this without even consulting with us. Hubby told them HELL NO — wasn’t ever an option which he has made clear all these years. We had already looked into Assisted Living Facilities because we knew what would happen, and he suggested them. HELL NO was their response.
That was 2.5 years ago, MIL is still living there, the 2 sisters haven’t spoken with him since, MIL only calls when she wants something, and all 3 bash us at every opportunity to whoever will listen. It has been the most liberating time in our lives.
Yes, liberating. (And, of course, there is much more to the story that I have not put here, but, most families have lots of background stuff.)
To my mind, that means that they need to do the research themselves and settle for what is available when there is a crisis. Let me tell you, the FIRST thing the hospital discharge planners asked us about were mom's finances. You get into a better nursing home if you can private pay for a year or two before you go on Medicaid.
Not letting your responsible adult child know about this stuff when you've reached your late 70's or 80s is shooting yourself in the foot.
But not to worry... "They'll Manage" they say.
Make sure you have all the facts at hand if your parents get more serious about their presumption that they can move into your house. You'd do well to also plan for them to downsize and move. Just have it all together or they'll come up with a dozen non-reasons why they "can't."
Also, make sure that there are no spaces in your house that are available. When my husband and I bought a 4 bedroom beach house we made sure there was no guest room. There was my room, his room, the library and the study. He is a night owl and I am an early bird so adjoining bedrooms have suited us well. No beds in the library or study. There was a chair that converted to a cot in the library and a sofa bed in the study for real guests. The mattresses that came with these were not very good. For guests we loved we had foam mattresses stored in a closet to make the beds more comfortable. When his mom would come we left it plain. This was part of an implementation of an agreement my husband and I made when we got married: neither parent would spend more than 5 nights with us. I don't think his mom ever stayed more than 3 nights.
We are not heartless. We spent many hours with his Aunt when she was in her final weeks. I even worked from her hospice room so there would be someone with her when MIL went home for a rest in the afternoon. My husband commuted from Washington DC to Baltimore every evening after work to be there for the evening hours. When it was his mom's final months he kept her company during the day and spent his evenings in her house for 6 weeks to go through her things, prepare for the homecoming that never happened. During that 6 weeks I was on the West Coast caring for my mother after a temporary problem or I would have been helping too. Nevertheless, we kept our agreement. Our home is a respite for US. We do what we can for our elderly relatives in THEIR homes and in their hospice rooms, but we do not let anyone move in with us and we do not take up residence in their homes. We need each other and we need our times of peaceful solace. Families tend to get rather pushy about wanting you to do what makes them happy, even if they are not narcissistic. You need to set boundaries for yourself to be sure that you maintain a place for yourself to be you.
I will give it some time though.
We live with our parents for a long time, they fed us, clothed us, etc. Should we really talk about them the way some people do?.
I took care of my mother for the last 7 years of her life. She had dementia. Now she is being gone for 8 years and I miss her a lot. She tried hard to be a good mom. She was not perfect; but I know she did the best she could with what she had and what she knew. Now I have no regrets, I paid back the love and care she gave me as a child for many years, more than I gave her.
You said your mother is a narc and horrible, she is very entitled, you saying those words about your mother, what is that make you? How long did she took care of you? or did she abandoned you? Like it or not we owe them. Is a debt that at one point or another it must be pay. What you are doing to your parents is what you are teaching your children to do to you.
Just make sure that all their "end of life" papers (will, power of attorney, and health care power of attorney) are settled.
Good luck.
Some people feel that we owe it to our parents to do whatever makes them happy and comfortable, whatever the cost to ourselves. If that's your belief, I think it's fine to say that. I don't think it's fine to cast aspersions on another person's motives or character.
I also don't think "God" puts the idea of family into people's heads. I think selfishness puts that idea in people's heads. "Who can I make endless and sometimes ridiculous demands of, without having to give anything back? Who can I keep under my thumb and at my beck and call for as long as I need them?? That's right! My kids! They owe me for raising them and they don't dare challenge me because I'm the PARENT!" Perfect solution! (For the parent, that is).
My grandma was a very giving, strong woman and was pushed to her limits.
The reality is that it's almost never a straight line. Parents often won't discuss the future or prepare for it with their children because it's either too painful or they can't deviate from the parent/ child interaction.
The first thing to do is to become medical power of attorney for each of your parents. Situations generally evolve sometimes rapidly from an illness or a fall. Having medical POA allows you access to their health records and to speak with clinicians.
During this acute crisis, you can often get additional leverage, such as becoming a signer on their checking and savings accounts to pay bills and manage healthcare finances. It's an entrée and it's very helpful, because you may very well be trying to help one parent make decisions about another parent and helping to make sense of all of the bills.
If the crisis resolves and your parent is able to return home, try to have that discussion with them around wills and trusts, power of attorney, living will and all that growing older entails. You will also need to understand their finances, as independent or assisted living may not be financially possible as it's quite expensive and not paid for by insurance.
If the crisis does not resolve, you'll be catapulted into the hell that many children with older parents experience. But you'll have the help of case managers and social workers in hospitals and in physician offices who can help move your parents to a safe environment and help apply for services such as Medicaid if necessary.
Knowing what I know now, these are the best things we did, and we were stumbling in the dark at the time: Find an elder attorney now and meet to understand how things work in your state. Then contact organizations such as Council on Aging to connect you with service and information providers in your area. Talk to friends and colleagues who've been through this.
This is the beginning of a journey that may very well leave you with wisdom and understanding that you never expected. It did for me and for all of my friends and colleagues.
Please remember that the expression of love and responsibility comes in many forms. If you try to find the best answers for everyone involved, you'll generally come to the right conclusions.
If a parent has the personality where living together would be horrible, why do it? We can still take care of them without being hands on 24/7.
Previously, I already knew that she is very difficult to please and if you do something for yourself she gets seriously jealous and expresses those things in an unhealthy way. Both me and my sister have been thru therapy twice. My therapy was decades apart, because of her narc tendencies (world revolves around her). I think if someone has these tendencies they make it much more difficult to take care of because their emotional needs are high and they need to be center of attn. Plus, they have been draining your reserves for decades. So, when they do actually need assistance one is already tapped out. In one moment they will overly praise you, but as soon as you do not capitulate, they use guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, for the littlest things. It can be very very manipulative. I am working on boundaries as well. But when you are dealing with someone who has honed their guilt trip skills over a lifetime and you are the caretaking sort it is difficult, and guilt seeps in. Watch when you set a boundary. At first you get ridiculous resistance, but hold firm, and say I am not changing my mind to the person. That is helping me.
I am just horrified that you would feel like you should have never had children because they are not doing what you want them to do. Maybe that is why they steer clear. Maybe you demand more then they can give, so you reject what they offer because it is not everything you want.
I find it very sad for your family that you would feel this way about your offspring.
They don't owe you their entire lives because you decided to have children and take care of them.
May The Lord soften your heart and heal your family.
A few times zones away? Even better. Everywhere in the world is just a plane ride away if a real emergency happens.
I have two old friends from childhood that had both joined the military, and within the past year have moved "home" to be close to their aging parents. I'm thinking "boy are you in for a surprise!"