Kmjfree Asked June 2020
Elderly parents trying to force themselves into your home; do I start calling senior living places now?
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So I thought I had made it clear to my parents that they would never live with me but some comments were made on a phone call today that makes me think the message may not be clear. My mom is very entitled and does not necessarily realize her demands will not be met. I immediately said no but still not thinking the message was received as they laughed it off. My question to you guys is how to prepare so that they have a safe place to go once the inevitable emergency situation happens. Do I start calling senior living places now? My mom is a narc and horrible and I will never have her in my home.
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Keep the boundaries up. Suggest, when anything is said, that they need to begin to look into living situations now, or it will be more difficult later for them. Continue to reinforce "NOT AN OPTION" . That's all you can do, and see to it you NEVER take them in even temporarily.
It is much like having a young person , your child ready to leave home, but still intent on you doing stuff for them. You need to break the cord. They need to do things on their own and understand that they will never cross the boundaries you set. There is in fact a book specifically named Boundaries. Start forming them now.
If one of them ends up in the hospital, make sure that you are in touch with discharge planning as soon as they land there. They might (like my grandma did in 1965 when she broke her hip) say gleefully to discharge "oh, my daughter will care for me; I"m going to be an invalid" (this was said almost gleefully--my mom had a two year old and two more school age children. Mom said "Hell no". I learned how to do this at my mom's knee).
Make it clear to everyone involved in discharge that you are NOT in a position to care for them yourself. You DON'T need an excuse. You are NOT legally or morally obliged to provide a place for them to live or hands on care.
This is NOT YOUR EMERGENCY and you are not required to move them into your home.
You say "they dont have money for 24/7 care and I cannot house him/them. What do you suggest?".
It is the job of discharge planning at the hospital to discharge to a safe environment. If they can't afford home care, they go on medicaid and go to a nursing home.
If they'd like to avoid having to be placed in the first available bed, they need to do some planning now.
Adult children are neither a retirement nor a care plan.
It was never tested but he would be living in that hotel!
I've told mine if they want a choice, pick out a home. If they don't, the hospital social worker will choose it for them.
You are already trying to own their emergency. I recommend planning how you are going to keep it off your plate when and if it ever comes.
Maybe a frank conversation about the whole situation. Tell them that you perceive that you are their plan. Make it clear, so they can plan, that you are not plan a, b or c. You're not even on the plan except to advocate for them.
My dad was always trying to manipulate me into agreeing to take care of him in his old age. I would tell him that I would find him a good home. That's it. Then he was surprised and angry when he found out that I meant what I said. Oh well! I told him and it is fully on him that he chose not to listen or believe.
I do think that you should have a sit down, face to face conversation and make it clear that you are not going to be having them move in. If you do this, you won't feel nearly as bad when you are in the midst of an emergency and you have to say no.
If they "visit," then they will need to stay in a hotel. It will be difficult emotionally for you to stand-up to them, but you can, remember you never need to explain NO. Just keep repeating NO, Nope NO, NO, nope,nope. no, no, no. NO!
Well you can't live here of course - how funny to think that! What do you think will suit YOU best? A lovely condo by the beach? A gorgeous little apartment with hired help? A sweet little villa in a village?
Don't expect them to be happy, accepting or for them to move on easily. They may well be aghast, upset, cry, threaten, bargain, pull out Fear, Obligation and Guilt. They may call ALL of the relatives, friends, allies and say "can you imagine...after ALL we've done for her..."
Nope, dont buy it, don't own, don't go to that dance. Don't explain, don't try to convince. Don't be swayed by inheritance or promises. If your gut says no, it's no.
Just "No, mom and dad, that does not work for me and my family. You will need to make other arrangements. I'm happy to help with the arrangements but the choices need to be yours".
Finally I said "you must listen. I've told you over and over that we do not plan to have you live with us. you need to be making plans for your next phase in life - where daily living becomes more difficult. It is not living with me"
Yelling, screaming, having relatives call - etc. Then, a few months later - the hints about us getting a bigger house with an inlaw apartment - so i laughed "good one- ha ha ha" and then had the conversation AGAIN. Again all of the drama. I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling angry.
It finally hit home when she was almost evicted for not paying her rent (i refused to bail her out yet again when she blew through her SS) and for harassing others in her building (threatening to call ICE) and in a panic she called me to come and get her and her things because she had to leave the building. I asked "where have you lined up to live" and her answer "you'll have to take me I have no where else" and I said "no - we've talked about this. Call me when you have your new place lined up" and click - i hung up.
Again the phone calls from relatives, neighbors, tears, screaming. ETC. Even my sister - "we have to take mom in" and i told her "go for it, but i'm not taking her when you get sick of it".
Well, mom called and begged the building to let her stay but i think that she "gets" that i'm not having her here. Now she whines about how she can help me if she lives with me. to which i reply that when our son goes to college we plan on downsizing to an apartment and might even move out of state. More tears at my insensitivity.
The point i'm trying to make with my story - is that your parent will pull out all of the stops over and over trying to get their way. You might feel guilty and let them move in. Then you'll be writing on this forum about how stressful it is, how you have no time or privacy, how your parent is taking over your home, and how you regret taking that parent in. Some parents would be different, but if your parent ignores your boundaries and your wishes, that is the type of parent that will be hell to live with.
NO is a complete sentence. Good luck.
The S hit the fan about 2 years later. Long story but it was clear it was too dangerous for them to be in their home and the house was rundown. No caregiver would have wanted to be there, not that my parents would have allowed it anyway.
luckily, a nice facility I had visited had stayed in touch with me, calling about once a month. They of course want to keep their facility full. I was able to very quickly get my folks moved. It was hell but I did it.
BTW, I was two states away and they weren’t about to move in with me and my wife. Mom hinted at it a bit but dad would never move from his little farm. So I didn’t have that battle.
and if you haven’t already done so start looking at their finances, getting POA etc. Start laying track now. I was as prepared as humanly possible but it was still overwhelming making the move to assisted living with my parents.
And, in the meantime, go out and look at some senior living complexes, preferably with a continuum of care available. They may be able to start out in Independent Living and then move into Assisted Living when the time comes. If there's a waiting list, get their names onto it NOW. It can't hurt, right? Then, if one of them gets hospitalized and goes to rehab, and rehab refuses to send them back to independent living (which happened with my dad), then you can segue them right into the place you have lined up!! I was faced with an emergency situation back in 2014 and by the grace of God, my father was totally agreeable to being placed in Assisted Living after his release from rehab. It was my mother, as usual, who was fighting me tooth & nail on everything. She's still living in an ALF to this very day, in the Memory Care section, 5 years after killing my dad off, oh........I mean, after my dad passed away (gratefully).
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with such a tough situation
I met a property owner a few years ago who had converted his garage to an in-law apartment for his wife's parents (had gone into debt to do so). He said the parents moved in and fought 24/7, including physical. He said it was shocking and they did not know the parents' marriage was like that. He said it was hard to get them out of the house and living somewhere else. Now he was stuck with this strange room in his house and he told me: "Don't EVER move a parent into your home!!!" He seemed so broken.
Do you have any siblings?
Initally, we kept mom close to where she lived (in the two years she was in Independent living, not a single friend came to visit). When she had a stroke, since the two of us who lived closest was still an hour away, mom was on her own in the ER; she couldn't speak, but she was able to nod/shake her head to all of their questions. She endorsed being diabetic, among other things and already had an order for insulin by the time my brother got there. You have NO idea how hard it is to get that discontinued.
On the other hand, being close by is going to mean that your mother will insist you visit and do stuff for her. Just make sure you have those boundaries up!
My mom used to call us for burned out lightbulbs, ants inthe kitchen...
"mom, you have STAFF!" I used to say. She'd say "oh, I don't want to bother them..." I told her that for 5K per month, she could bother them.
Thank you to everyone with comments and support. My sister died almost a year ago and i really miss her and feeling very alone in dealing with this. She was the only one who could understand all the levels of crazy that are our parents. I was very lucky as we fully supported each other in all situations with our mother which was a big help in knowing we were not crazy and the problem was with her.
Heres the thing though. After years of begging, arguing and pleading with my folks to prepare for the future, look at some assisted living places etc., I came to realize it wasn’t going to happen. I could only do as much as they would allow. I quite fighting about it and began waiting for the crisis that would force the issue.
And that was A bad fall mom had, put her in the hospital for three days , I then moved her directly to assisted living and tricked dad into moving in with her 4 days later.
Mom wanted to call a lawyer. I gave her my phone and the yellow pages but she had no idea how to use an iPhone. I offered to call for her. She took a nap instead.
So my advice is quit killing yourself trying to persuade them of anything. Not gonna happen. Do what you can and wait them out. I know it sounds callous but that’s the reality in for most of us.
A few times zones away? Even better. Everywhere in the world is just a plane ride away if a real emergency happens.
I have two old friends from childhood that had both joined the military, and within the past year have moved "home" to be close to their aging parents. I'm thinking "boy are you in for a surprise!"
I am just horrified that you would feel like you should have never had children because they are not doing what you want them to do. Maybe that is why they steer clear. Maybe you demand more then they can give, so you reject what they offer because it is not everything you want.
I find it very sad for your family that you would feel this way about your offspring.
They don't owe you their entire lives because you decided to have children and take care of them.
May The Lord soften your heart and heal your family.
Previously, I already knew that she is very difficult to please and if you do something for yourself she gets seriously jealous and expresses those things in an unhealthy way. Both me and my sister have been thru therapy twice. My therapy was decades apart, because of her narc tendencies (world revolves around her). I think if someone has these tendencies they make it much more difficult to take care of because their emotional needs are high and they need to be center of attn. Plus, they have been draining your reserves for decades. So, when they do actually need assistance one is already tapped out. In one moment they will overly praise you, but as soon as you do not capitulate, they use guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, for the littlest things. It can be very very manipulative. I am working on boundaries as well. But when you are dealing with someone who has honed their guilt trip skills over a lifetime and you are the caretaking sort it is difficult, and guilt seeps in. Watch when you set a boundary. At first you get ridiculous resistance, but hold firm, and say I am not changing my mind to the person. That is helping me.