What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?

My wife and I have a friend who is 67. While she is healthy now the three of us
will be moving to a new house soon. I do not plan to care for her if something should happen to her. She has no family. If she refuses care if something does happen and wishes to stay in the household, what can be done to have her leave and seek care somewhere else? Or if she does become ill and want her to leave, and she doesnt want too, how do we handle this type of situation?

Futurehelp, please be aware that your friend moving in and establishing a residence means that you are bound by the laws of your state in terms of renters. If you want her out later and she does not want to leave, you will have to follow eviction proceedings. Please consider a written lease agreement that spells out what your responsibilities are and what consequences of her becoming unable to care for herself are. The time to find out is not after something happens and you become a "judge judy" situation. Even if she is not paying rent, she becomes a tenant by terms of her residence (usually past 30 days or unless you have in writing the terms of her staying). Take it from someone who found out the hard way with a person we were trying to help with her 1 year old "til she got on her feet".

I have written about this situation before, concerning my 90 year old Mother. She still lives alone in a 3 family house - she owns it (My Dad passed away in 2009), she has one tenant who always pays his rent late. I have just one younger brother who has POA and he lives 1/2 mile away, less than 5 minutes to her house. He is in very good health with an excellent job. I am 62 years old, with a heart problem, my husband is 66 years old and is partially disabled with bad back. He was forced to retire early. He was a Firefighter and injured his back on the job, he can do light chores around our house, but can't overdo it. We live 30 miles away from my Mother, about an hours drive. My Mother has been partially blind for awhile from Glaucoma, and is hard of hearing (she went for testing, but refused to get the hearing aid). Aid to the Blind in Massachusetts sent their volunteers to her home, and she was given visual aids, such as a magnifier, etc, but refuses to use them too. My brother is very disconnected emotionally from my Mother, he does not worry about her health, or safety, he is waiting for her to die so he can get her house, work on it, and take in more rent. He has been very spoiled by my Mother, in fact on Thanksgiving we went to my Mom's (with my 3 kids and 3 grandkids) my husband and I cooked all the food. But my Mom ordered $300 worth of Italian food and pastry to please my brother - because he hates turkey. I am very attached to my Mother, and worry about her 24/7. I try to do things that will please her and give her happiness. Her Doctor told her to get an alert system. In fact, the Doctor would set the whole thing up for her. My Mother refused. My brother had promised to check in Mom during the week, after work. But he has not done that. My husband and I are expected by my Mother, brother, and other relatives to drive from our house to her house in Chelsea to attend to all her needs. I have gone to all of her Doctor appointments with her. In fact, I was told by 2 relatives that we should sell our house and move back to the city to be near my Mother. This was starting to take a toll on me, since my heart problem had started to act up and I had to wear a Heart Monitor. Then into the picture came a cousin who lost her Mother and her job, and was depressed. She was not around before, but recently attached herself to my Mom. She started to take her shopping and to some Doc appointments, since she only lives about 1 mile from my Mother. So, I thought, that's nice - it will give a little break. Over the last year, my Mom has given this cousin around $20,000 of her savings to help my cousin out. This cousin was raving to me how much she is like her own Mother, etc. To make a long story short - I finally realized - our older daughter is very cold and distant, and I also have another cousin who loves my Mother but is always too busy to see her. If I and my husband were dead, and those 2 were the only living relatives, they would be business like, and they would hire help for my Mother. They would NEVER spend any of their time during the week or even on weekends to take care of my Mother. That put so much into perspective for me. They would not waste any time worrying about her, they don't have the time, so they would allow my Mom to dictate to them in any way. As it is now, my Mother will not accept any out side help, but complains to me all the time (2 hours everyday on the phone) that she has to take a taxi and it costs $20.00. Remember, she won't call my brother, because she will not impose on his time. Only Me. But I have this new outlook and feel better. If I was not alive, my Mother would have to rely on my daughter and cousin. They are efficient, not emotionally involved, and would get others to take care of Mom. Now, I have to relay all of this to Mom. Wish me luck !!

My mother is 84 and has dementia,COPD. She can only walk a short distance and uses oxygen. Family has moved as she can not manage by herself. Things are better but she is not taking a bath . She says that she is and won't let anyone help her . Any advice. She is stubborn and defensive

The only thing I can think off is to bring in a home health aid. Have the health aid be aware of the problem and screen her first if she can handle the situation and then watch her do her job. Make sure the home health aid has the experience and moral attitude necessary to understand and deal with this type of situation. Screening is the most important thing. All I can think of.

EastEagle, sounds like my mom - doted on her son and took her daughters for granted. Fortunately, we girls understood that there was nothing to be done to change that, so we left them to their own devices. If they wanted help, they should pay for it (money was not an issue). Glad we took this tack, saved us a lot of hurt. And why should we be used just because we were female? There still is a lot of that nonsense around.

Wow I feel for you and do NOT do what I did , move her in! Now I can't do a darn thing with her! Her mind is sound but her body is weak. She hasn't bathed in years and has gotten worse. Her doctors even try to help me and they can't do anything but suggest I tell her to leave! I can't do that! I am disabled and can't care for her like she needs and she refuses help. A friend told me about the local social services have you tried them and if so did it help?

Unfortunately many elders are of the generation where mental illness meant "crazy people" in "rubber rooms" muttering to themselves or screaming like lunatics. They don't understand personality disorders and certainly don't believe they may have one. As I see it you have two choices. One, you give your mother an ultimatum that she cooperates or you cannot help. Two, you continue to let her drive you crazy. When we were dealing with my stubborn inlaws we "children" talked at length about what support services they needed, researched options, and then came together behind a decision. We "children" put up a unified front. The solution we decided upon is an independent living building. And it took nearly a year to get them to acquiesce. We made it clear that we could no longer go on being stressed, sleep deprived, etc. simply because they wanted to remain in familiar yet wholly inadequate and unsafe surroundings. Our marriages were suffering and their children would choose their spouses over them, which would limit the amount of time they would spend with us. Was it harsh? Yes, but no less harsh than what their stubbornness was doing to us. My FIL has a mental illness about which he is in complete denial. My MIL is severely ill and starting to make bizarre statements. But they live in a safe, clean, beautifully supportive environment where every staff member knows them, they socialize with other people their age daily, and receive regular visits from family and friends. They actually get more visitors now than they ever did in their old home. It was many months of hard work and they were passive-aggressive throughout most of it. We had enabled them to remain in their home for years. There comes a time when finding ways around problems no longer works. In my experience my inlaws would just come up with more problems for us to solve! It was a pathetic, desperate attempt by them to control us and avoid dealing with their problems directly. They knew they were miserable. Everybody knew they were miserable. Dinners were miserable. Weekend visits were miserable. Vacations were miserable. They started lying to each other and to us. It was maddening so self-preservation kicked in and we gave them the ultimatum: move to independent living or live alone together until one or both ends up in a nursing home or dies. You can't force people to want to live or be happy. You can only control yourself. If your mom drives you mad you won't be any good to her either so you might as well do what's best for you. I wish you lots of luck and strength.

I see how troubling this situation has been for you, the frustration and the worry. You probably know by now, it is important to have these discussions with your parents while they are still healthy, sooner rather than later. I think you realized this when you started having problems but it was too late by then. So anyone reading this post can now know they should talk to their parents ahead of time.

Sorry I posted my reply thinking I was answering a different person's question.

Our situation is two-fold. Mom is elderly and has my 50 year old Downs Syndrome Brother living with her. Since Dad passed away, it has been just the two of them. She has resisted all of our efforts to convince her to even look at an assisted living situation as well as to consider moving my brother to a group home. She has stated repeatedly that she wants him with her saying that it would be traumatic for him to move out. She won't even consider how traumatic it would be to him to find her injured or worse and THEN have to move out.

She'll ask him leading questions to make sure that he answers the way she wants him to.

When she had a fall and was hospitalized for over a week, our sons and nephews helped us taking turns staying with him and getting him to do various activities, go to bed and get up at a reasonable hour - all of which Mom has repealed and gone back to allowing him to go to bed and get up when he wants and watch TV literally all day except when he's eating.

My dad, 83, lives on his own in very small town. He has Parkinsons and also early dementia. He has a caregiver that comes in the morning to fix breakfast and I had just arranged a afternoon caregiver who would come in to fix an evening meal. He does not eat unless someone brings or fixes for him, even if he only needs to warm up. (Could be because he doesn't always remember how to use microwave.) He also suffers from syncope episodes (fainting for intervals as long as 6 minutes). Therefore he can not drive any more either. Problem is he is telling caregivers not come anymore. That he can take care of himself. I am trying to manage all this from out of state with very little sibling support; one is physically unable to help and the other is immature and resistant to helping. Question? What should I do?

I have been trying to warm mom up to assisted living for a year...no luck. As with others, i have been told that even tho she has ALZ, something will have to happen to her before she can be forced to move. In their attempts to protect peoples rights, it has now become practically impossible to place someone in a safer environment. Even her doctor will not get involved. Ive been told it will take her having a fall or something before i can make her move. The alternative is to put out a LOT of money to go to court to obtain guardianship. Its ridiculous that this is the way things are...since most elders refuse to leave home, get outside help to come in, and end up isolating themselves which makes all of it even worse. I dont know the answers, but i do know that when there is a diagnosis of ALZ, someone should be able to help those of us trying to keep our parent safe before something terrible happens to them.

Julie and SherylBeth, your frustration is valid. The reason for the laws being the way they are is also valid, in that without their rights upheld many elderly people could be victimized by family members or others who didn't have the elders' best interests in mind.

However, when dementia has been diagnosed - perhaps by more than one doctor - one would think that it would be easier to get them moved into safer care whether or not that is what they say they want. Trying to get guardianship is not only expensive, but it can be difficult even with a dementia diagnosis.

Some states may have more lax laws than others so you could check with your state's attorney's office and see if there is anything that you can do. I wish I could give you a better answer, but I can't. Maybe someone else has a suggestion.

Please update us when you can. We can commiserate with you if nothing else.
Take care,
Carol

Sheryl, consider this juxtaposition. Mom had received excellent care at home from one of her children (me). So there was not the issue of strangers in the house. She knew who I was most of the time. Mom and her hubby, L, were both doing very well. Mom attended a day program for about 25 hours a week, we had a Saturday eight hour agency caregiver. All was good and working well. Enter sibling POA that decides Mom would be better cared for in a facility, and cheaper as well. So, Mom is moved, I just got tired of fighting the endless battle to keep the folks at home, even went as far as a legal battle which became very expensive for me, and Mom as well while POA spent Mom's money on ber attorney. POA knew mom wanted to remain in her home. Mom's wishes never had an impact on POA decisions.

Now Mom and L have been in a facility for five months. Memory care for mom, AL for L. The decline for both, especially in Mom, has been heart breaking and quite alarming. Mom's meds have had major changes twice now as her behaviors are very difficult to manage for everyone. Naturally she exhibited the behaviors at home as well, though not as frequent or extreme. She was doing fine at home, great in fact.

POA was responsible for choosing facility for Mom. Naturally, I expressed my concerns for behaviors that would occur with the move. Now POA has her hands full, call it overwhelmed. Mom has just been started on new meds, two weeks ago now, that do not seem to have the desired effect of making Mom more compliant.

This disease tears families apart. Why did sibs decide Mom needed to move? My best guess is guilt that they were not able or willing to provide time to assist with the care. They were in denial of how sick my Mom has become. All thought the transition would be easy. If they ever are, the people associated are very fortunate.

If I was able to care for her fulltime, that would obviously be the ideal option. There are so many who arent able to take on the care ...and parents wont allow anyone else to help, as is the case with mom. Plus her isolation is one of the things I always read is so detrimental. But no matter how I approach it, she refuses to go with me anywhere or visit with anyone. The last thing I want to do is make her situation worse...but there are no options she is open to or willing to try. What is one supposed to do then?

SherylBeth, I don't have any answers but wanted to reply in solidarity. My mother too needs more care than she's willing to pay for or have arranged. When the only acceptable option to her is having family do things for her, it puts me and her one other relative in a terrible bind when her needs truly exceed what we can do.

Today I got hit with another reality, that she's really starting to need someone to help her with dressing and grooming. Yet she's still with it enough that she would be terribly insulted if I explained that her judgment in these areas is not good - and you better believe me just "suggesting" she do something different is ignored. So what do I do? Let her go out in public looking like a bag lady? Try to stop her? And she sure won't allow me to arrange for a homecare assistant to help her with bathing and hygiene even if money weren't an issue.

Anyway SherylBeth, good luck to you I hope somehow you find solutions that help - wish I could offer you some!

Sheryl, that was my mom. She said no to most things except maybe going out to eat. She would surprise me sometimes with the things she WOULD do. But she was doing what she thought was right and not trying anything that she perceived as having any risk of her being embarrassed or even anxious. Assess what help she really needs and how safe she is as best you can - get a 3rd party evaluation e.g. a comprehensive geriatric evaluation if you are in doubt. Would a Lifeline make her safer by herself? Are there home modifications that would reduce her fall risk?

There are a lot of people who find themselves faced with being the sole full-time caregiver not because it is necessary but because a parent wants it that way. I thik that often leads to a great deal of unhappiness and resentment, and the alternative is often not good either, just waiting for something bad to happen so they need to go into care like it or not - and of course they don't like it, but that does not make it right for them to ask us to do things we cannot or should not do.

Don't just give up and give in to trying a plan that is unsustainable, just because you get a big pile of "if you loved me you would" or "You don't love me!" There are ways to say no to the impossible while reassuring love and ongoing involvement at whatever level is actually possible. Not that they all work, or anything...but, find out about all kinds of resources, even ones you think Mom would "never" use, because her "never" may of necessity come to pass.

I was not suggesting any of you provide care yourselves. Some are not able to provide care themselves for a variety of reasons and that is ok. Even what is thought an ideal situation has problems too, as it did in my case. I don't think the perfect, ideal situation exists. They all have problems.

gladimhere, I think sister POA should have mom and hubby move in with her. I have read enough of your posts to know that would never happen and I agree that the transition she put into place was to assuage her own guilt... But I would give almost anything to be a fly on the wall when you offered up that alternative to her. Shame on her for using moms money for her attorney fees I believe the power of attorney has certain fiduciary responsibilities that reach beyond basic decency she is obviously ignoring those responsibilities. She was obviously not the best choice for POA. The reason I have such a problem with these situations is they are problems with absolutely no solutions... Each day presents new problems with no solutions. My husband and I do not do well with those situations. when my mother had her Alzheimer's, her very own doctor told me the best thing that could happen would be for her to die in her sleep because eventually she would take the entire family down with he r she passed about a month later leaving daddy alone and angry at the world.. the nightmare continued and was amplified for us... thousands of hours we have spent talking about how to present things to my father have all been wasted time because we might as well be talking to a doorknob. we keep forgetting the fact that we are trying to reason with a person that is completely unreasonable. as long as he gets his way it's going to stay that way. He has lost his ability to reason, I think you mentioned that as the dimentia sets in they become more like toddlers....so we have to treat them as such always keeping their best interests at heart... But no longer are we willing to ignore our own interests, health and wellbeing. if anybody is reading this that doesn't know my story, save yourself! I almost died and then my husband almost died before we decided to make a change. My father doesn't even remember I ever had cancer and tells my husband that he's making it up when he talks about his heart attack. after all how do you really know? I guess a week and cardiac ICU was just his way of avoiding the almost daily visits during which time daddy verbally bashes us both, complains about what a terrible jobs landscapers are doing. Everybody's an idiot but him... I could go on and on. The so-called visits...we both agreed we would prefer to be repeatedly beaten with rubber hoses .daddy may as well live on Mars. He doesn't even know the world is turning, yet we were destroying our lives and our health trying to take care of him. Did I mention shame on your sister for using moms money for her legal fees?-finished

Finished, you are correct on all accounts. Twisteds did not even want to relieve me for a weekend. Thank goodness for a Geriatric Care Manager that the court put in place as limited guardian two years ago. She made sure I had respite every Saturday and ts2 took responsibility for a few hours most Sundays. I was also able to get away for an occasional weekend. I had gone 1.5 years without so much as a night off. I think twisteds goped to break me financially and emotionally. They came close, but they did not realize the support system I had in place with the medical professionals, neighbors, friends that I am sure got sick and tired of my stories that never changed. Even I kept hoping for their attitudes to change. They are now worse than ever.

Thank you, finished. I am too!

Curtain and Vstefans...its amazing how many of us are in this same situation. Thanks for your comments...although I am sad you are/have gone through this same predicament, I feel like Im not alone in this horrible situation. I did get mom to agree to the 'call help' necklace which she can push if she falls, etc. I am over to see her/check on her (20 miles away) multiple times a week and to run her errands, groceries, appts, etc....and call her on the other days. She is beyond reasoning with due to the disease, and she was beyond stubbornly independent before symptoms started. She refuses to use a wheelchair so taking her anywhere to shop or just get out is out of the question since she can only walk with a walker, and even then, only a very bery short distance. Of course, she doesnt feel like anythings wrong except a little memory problem....dr diagnosed her with alzheimers 2 years ago, but she didnt believe it and doesnt remember it anyway. I bounce between sadness, frustration, and anxiety...trying to find a solution that just doesnt seem to exist.

Jennygc....there are many in your same boat as you can see. The problem is many folks with dementia are not considered incompetent, and yet really are as far as living independently. Until the situation worsens to the point that something happens, or someone can evaluate them and determine they are no longer safe mentally to be alone, there is nothing we can do. The refusal to have anyone come in to help is not something we can force them to do....i just try to bring up positive ideas about assisted living or bringing in someone to help with meals, etc, every few months to see if she might be softening to the idea....at some point, im praying she will agree to having help or to moving to a nice place nearer to me which also has a memory care unit. I think thats all we can do...keep trying. Keep me posted on how youre doing....sending you a hug.

My mom is 92 years old and in failing health. She has limited vision and hearing, but will not wear hearing aids. Her feet and legs are constantly swollen to the extent that she can't wear shoes. She is lonely there and consequently takes too many of her prescription drugs while drinking beer. Mom doesn't eat well unless someone is with her and continually runs out of her prescriptions, ending up in the emergency room because she refuses to see her doctor. She hasn't had a physical in nearly 2 years. There are several of us (me, my sister and my son,) who want to see to her needs, but her current apartment is in a secure building that will only issue one additional lobby key per unit. My son has this, but when he's away on business or just working late, nobody else can get into the building unless we accidentally catch someone in the office or another tenant who will let us in (and they are understandably reluctant to do that.) Mom hasn't left her apartment alone in more than a year because she is afraid to use either the elevator or stairs by herself. Several times in the last 6 months a fire caused evacuation of her building and she was lucky enough to have someone on her floor see her and take her out. Had that not happened, she would not have left. Emergency room doctors have told her repeatedly that she can't continue to live this way and should let us move her into a nearby condominium that my sister and I own together. We have turned one area into a private apartment for her so she could still feel some degree of independence. We would visit her on a daily basis and access her at all hours. Additionally, a nephew lives there upstairs so she would never have to be alone, but could have privacy in her "granny suite" when she wants it. She is fighting us tooth and nail and I'm the only family who is not working full time and can deal with her. I have just about run out of patience and energy. I don't want to have her declared incompetent, but I don't see any other way around the situation. HELP!

Kroskow...i have read where people like you in these kinds of situations have contacted social worker or adult protective services to have them evaluate the elderly relative to make the determination if a move or change is necessary. Im not sure how all that works...whether you can convey your concerns as you've written here beforehand and request them to visit her and do an evaluation. I do know that going through the courts for guardianship can be very costly and may not end up giving you the resolution you hope for. Maybe someone else reading this can elaborate on going through social services....hope you find an answer and please keep us posted on how things go and what you find out. I am in a similar position in the not too distant future so am interested in knowing how things go for you and if you find a solution!! Hugs.....

I know it's very frustrating, bbu she has a right to make her own decisions as long as she is able. Is there a way she can use just the downstairs of the home instead of climbing stairs? What about a stair lift? It could be a good options for her. I'd start by talking with her and expressing your concerns and worries. Ask her for her idea's of solutions that would make life easier for her. Would she enjoy attending her local senior center? This would at least get her out of the home for a portion of the day. You need to 'be gentle' and try to make any plan be 'her idea'. She is independent I can understand that. Maybe she is afraid of change and what that change could mean. Accepting some assistance at home would likely help to keep her there longer and would be preferable to moving into a facility. Good luck

I"m in the same boat only in my case mine is choosing to have a poa with my name on it but also that of a sibling who tried to shove her into a home and take everything out from underneath her then tried to make it look like I did what she did and continues to undermine me and block me being able to provide our mother with services she needs, so Im getting ready to walk away and let them put her in a home since she has told me if she has a bad day or needs the garbage put out she can call me...she's concerned about the sibling becoming upset and shows me total disregard so let it happen to her, so maybe you need to just walk away and let her find out what it's like without you

I am writing again about my Mother's situation. I am the one who's Mother lives 30 miles away, by herself, in her own home. She is blind in one eye, losing the sight in her "good eye" and has hearing loss. She refused to use the visual aids that were given to her, such as the magnifier for reading and writing, she put that in the closet and has not even tried to use it. She didn't like the people who came to her house from The Massachusetts Aid to the Blind, she told me that they were "Very low class people" and she didn't like the way they did things. She was told that she needed hearing aids, but refused to get them. She won't spend the money. She was told by her PC Doc that she should have a Medical Alert system, which would be set up by the Doctor's office - but she didn't get one. She was told by her Doc. that she should use a cane, it would help her to walk outside more safely, since she has problems with her balance, and gets dizzy spells. My Mother spent 4 hours on the phone with me, just before Xmas, she was mad that she did not feel well, and could not go Xmas shopping. She has had problems with digestion her entire life, and recently had more stomach and intestinal pain, but would not call her Doctor. I told her that she could probably get some kind of medication, and did not have to suffer this way, but she would not listen. She wants to go shopping, and wants to walk all over the Mall without a cane, or walker. This takes hours and hours of helping her walk - very slowly. My oldest daughter, and my brother always took her shopping at the Malls, but this time they simply could not go through with it this year. My Mother has a habit of wandering off, by herself, all through the racks of clothes, and since she is tiny, she has to be searched for. So here is my NEW PROBLEM. This past week, I tried for 3 hours to call my Mother, but no answer. I called my brother who was not working that day, and asked him to check on our Mother, I was thinking that she was either injured of dead on the floor. My brother lives 1/2 mile away, 5 minutes from her house. So, 2 HOURS later he finally went to her house. As it turned out, her ears were very blocked that day, so she has to turn up the TV even louder than usual, and she could not hear the phone ring. I was so frustrated, that I told her that I would not call her again this week. I would just wait until she calls me. So far, she has not called in 3 days. At this point, I just don't know what to do about her situation. My brother wanted her to keep her 3 family house, so he can own it when she dies, and he wants to rent it out for the income. I am supposed to inherit half of the house, but dealing with my brother will be another nightmare. I wanted my Mother to sell her house, and go into assisted living. But so far, everyone just ignores my suggestions. Any opinions out there on where I should go from here? Thank you all so much for your previous help.

I am EastEagle, the one whose Mother lives 30 miles away. I forgot to mention a few other things. My Mother is 91 years old, and refuses all outside help to come in. She has only my Brother to help her, with food shopping, but only occasionally, because she refuses to ask him for help. She also has one Cousin, age 60, who will drive her to the drugstore and food shopping, but cannot go with her into the stores, because this cousin has a bad knee and can't walk. When they are not available to drive her, my Mother does take a taxi to the drug store to pick up all her eye drops, she has many, and the drug store does not deliver. Then she complains, all the time, that it costs her $20.00 one way, for the taxi. I told her about the Elder services that are available in her city, but she will not let me call them. Because of her stomach problems, my Mother now eats only toast, crackers, and drinks only coffee, a little soda now and then, hardly any water. Refuses to drink Ensure, etc. She cannot get into the bathtub anymore to take a bath or shower, it is just too dangerous, and she is smart enough not to try. The last time she had a shower was a year ago. She now gives herself a sponge bath, and has a hard time to wash her hair in the kitchen sink. She also can't go down to the basement to wash her clothes, so she has to wash them by hand in the kitchen sink. So this is where I am at, don't know what I can do to change this situation. I read on this site, that I will just have to wait until something drastic happens to her. She has fallen several times, but so far, no serious injuries. Any suggestions? Thanks so much.

East Eagle, If she is competent to make this unending series of bad decisions and stay in denial, you are right, nothing big will change until something bad enough happens. If her goal is to live alone in the home until she dies she is on track for achieving just that. Unfortunately, and I don't mean to be overly cynical, this may be your brother's goal as well. If her goal is to suck you in to enable her to live in the home by sacrificing your entire life for it, you either decide to do that or you schedule your time with her and provide the help you realistically can long-term and no more; staying in control; most people would advise the latter. You could do her laundry once a week maybe. You can call Elder Services but she may decide not to let them in. A LifeLine or similar warning device would be appropriate, but it would only if she will wear it.

If she is a danger to herself and not capable then APS could possibly step in, but they are reluctant to do so if there is any gray area at all. If you are not POA, even if the POA can be activated with incapacity letters, your hands may otherwise be tied. Your idea of selling the home and setting up a fund for her care is totally appropriate, and the reasons it is being vetoed are almost certainly selfish ones on the part of brother and probably Mom as well. I'm sorry Mom has decided to be like this; many people are, and they think they are only hurting themselves, but they hurt the hearts of everyone who cares about them too.