my elderly parents still live at home. My Mum (87) has advanced Alzheimers and my Dad (89) has frontal lobe dementia. They have carers going in but I still am heavily relied upon in between to take them to appointments, do their shopping etc. I also pop round 3 times a week.
My agony is that I am so resentful towards them for destroying my life and causing me so much pain. I was sexually abused by my elder brother and grandfather as a very young child. The way that it was handled by my parents was horrific. I wasn’t protected, made safe or heard. In fact I wasn’t even believed at first. Both of my abusers were shown love and respect. I have Bipolar caused by this and have been in and out of psych wards for treatment. They continue to show love to my brother even though he does zero to help. My Dad (only recently has memory issues) is furious with me for refusing to see my brother.
Yet despite this I feel the need to care. I guess I’m figuring that I’ve come this far and the clock is ticking. To cut them out this late in the day May cause huge amounts of guilt after they have passed. Can anyone relate?
We have no obligation to make life better for those who abused us. We might feel a need to stick around because an inheritance would feel like at least we got something out of a lifetime of suffering. Or as you say, maybe it’s better to avoid feeling guilty in the future.
I don’t know you or why you think as you do, but it’s always possible to change one’s mind and stop doing what we no longer want to do. Only you can decide that, and I wish you luck in whatever you do. I’m so sorry that your family put you through such pain.
You haven't caused their problems.
You can't fix their problems.
Without causation there cannot be guilt.
Get on with your life and leave these folks in the dust. There is no duty of care to those who are abusive.
I wasn’t raped but my mother put me in an unsafe situation where I was held against my will and groped by a drunk uncle when I was 15. When I told her, her reply was “oh, yeah he does that to everyone.” That is all I can say because I am livid to this day about this.
Leave and don't look back. Your brother the golden child will need to step up, I guess. Or the state can take guardianship. Either way, they will be cared for.
Move on.
Seek therapy to find out why.
Saying "reluctantly care" & "I will continue.."
I am certainly not a trained trauma councellor & I would strong suggest you seek professional advice & support. You have mentioned many serious issues.
To me it reads you have decided that Care = enable them to stay at home.
Propping up two elderly people with dementia, to stay home, who are unable to look after themselves or arrange their own care.
Why? Is this the only way?
You have become needed & essential to their lives. You now hold a position of power.
Yet you feel under their control?
Remember Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? She had those ruby slippers & just needed to tap them.. had the power all along but didn't know it.
You too have the power to change things but may need a 'Wizard' to highlight it.
Secondly, you must take care of your own needs. Your mental and physical health is equally important to your mom and dad’s needs.
I realize that you have a need to help because they are your parents. That’s understandable, if you feel as if you must. You do not have to be their hands on provider. Find others who will assist them with their needs.
You don’t owe them anything. You haven’t failed them in any way. There isn’t a valid reason for you to have guilt.
I am curious if they have shown any remorse for not believing you or hurting you?
Best wishes to you.
Meanwhile, I was in hospital on an Acute Psychiatric unit having another breakdown. My parents didn’t visit me once.
it’s taken me years to realise that I am seen as the perpetrator and my brother the victim because I wouldn’t let it drop.
It all seems clear cut to people reading this. They hurt me, so I should cut them out. It really isn’t so easy. The trauma has many layers. And while they are so needy and dependent it makes it even harder
Did you read her response to my post? It’s so very sad. She absolutely needs therapy.
You are perhaps in your 50-60s, if so you have suffered for decades. Enough already!
Ugh my heart goes out to you.
I have cared for my emotional/mental abuser (until I went no contact, best decision of my life and 0 guilt associated to that decision) and my biggest regret wasn’t cutting them off sooner.
See All Answers