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I am glad you got a therapist to help navigate dealing with a parent with NPD. I hope you find it helpful and get the support you need as well as support by sharing with others here. I never knew "grey rock" was a thing until last year. My parents are not super high on the NPD range, but my older sister is. Dealing with them all is just more than I can take if I put any priority on my own sanity, which I do. I had to endure my nephew's wedding for a weekend, and "grey rock" helped me survive many offensive maneuvers. You basically do not react to them. You kind of just do nothing. You do however verbally respond by saying something non-committal such as "Really, hmm." You do not show anger or frustration. What makes it difficult is that inside you have feelings rising within and you have to not interact with your normal impulses. It does work because the aggression does not escalate. The good and the bad is that it is all on your plate with how the outcome of your interactions with these people will turn out. It is exhausting, but can be accomplished for small amounts of time.
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DofNPDmother Jul 2019
I'm glad to read your post as I am going there this morning. My body reacts with fear even though I try not to think about it. Most likely it will be years that I have to do this, and I am only getting started. Did your sister recognize and comment about your Gray Rock when you first began the technique? My brother immediately questioned me. He used anger and intimidation at first, trying to claim that HE was "transparent" and I was hiding something. Then he turned to self-pity with remarks like "I'm your only brother. Aren't you going to talk to me? I see what you're doing. I can't sleep at night." He even told my mother that I was making him think about ending his life. This made my mother ask me to get along with him and be nice to him because "his brain is messed up." It also made her want to take thousands out of the bank to "make him happy." I told her that I was not going to be abused any more. The main thing is that I don't want to harbor dysfunctional feeling inside my own body while doing this. I have my own health issues and must avoid the constant adrenaline cycle. Will his behavior settle down if I keep this up? One good thing so far - he has stopped texting me.
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I take it a step further and use a visual technique where I imagine a bubble of healing white light around me. The narc can’t penetrate it no matter what they say and do, and more often, the negative energy bounces off me and right back at them! Just remember to do this before you visit and know you are protected from them. My nm actually stopped demanding things from me because I didn’t respond the way I normally would have responded. She tries other things, but again, the white light allows me to walk away and not get emotionally involved. I made a huge difference in my long saga of caring for my nm.

Perhaps the therapist has other visuals for you to incorporate into your visits.
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I’m like a few others here who had been using the Gray Rock technique for years without knowing it had a name. I have a narcissistic and paranoid brother who never left home, with well-meaning but tragically enabling parents who can no longer defend themselves against his manipulation but still think he is the cat’s meow. So like you said DofNPD it isn’t a typical elder abuse situation. There is coercive control happening and that is very challenging to grapple with. Good luck and welcome to the community of women enduring ‘brother fuckery.’ You’re in good company.
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DofNPDmother Jul 2019
Thank you for your response. This week I continued to use the Gray Rock technique with my brother, but was not "mean." My answers, if I felt I had to answer, were very short, like "Okay." He recognizes that I have changed and told me he doesn't want me to stop talking to him. For that I decided to respond in a sentence. I told him that he needed to stop being angry (which means stop being constantly angry and ranting to me about everyone and everything because I can't handle the stress). He sees things in "all or nothing" terms, blames others for everything, can't regulate his emotions, and engages in extreme behaviors. Right now, since he recognized that I was disconnecting myself from him, he is turning on the "charm" side of his manipulation. For decades my mother would put up with his abuse until she couldn't take it anymore and she'd explode and yell at him fiercely. Then he turned on the charm and she would say, "He's behaving like a Little Lamb now." It never lasts long. There are some matters that I need to consult with him on, and I am really dreading it - I am SCARED. Maybe I will ask my husband to help me.
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DofNPDmother;

I agree with janeinspain - bring someone else with you when you have to visit mom or talk to him. He doesn't need to know why and will likely "behave" when someone else is there. At least you are aware of how he is and that he can "turn on the charm", but also can turn that off in an instant!

My OB was abusive to me when we were young (physically, verbally, emotionally.) As we got older and spent less time together, it did seem to get better. Being separated as adults, only seeing each other on occasion and others would be there, his "behavior" seemed okay. I was concerned about my niece when I observed some of his treatment of her, but had no idea how bad it was. She and I have talked about it since.

He came here several times to help clearing out mom's condo. Last time was May 2018. I should have realized I had been given some warning signs during previous visits, but missed them. This last time he actually got very angry and crossed the room to throw me to the floor, twice. I told him to get out and the whole time he was packing up he was yelling and nasty! Two days later he shows up with a car load of crap from mom's to drop off. Not only do I not want this crap, I want nothing to do with him and wouldn't open up. Clearly he forgets all about the issue after it is over, but not me, not this time! He also is one to blame everyone else for whatever and criticizes everyone he works with or does any business with. Although he didn't stay home with mom and dad, he IS the golden boy. Often she will ask if I have heard from him. When I visit mom, I get "Oh, what're you doing here?" and/or "Where'd you come from?" When he showed up it was like Jesus came down from the cross!!! She fawned over him like there was no tomorrow! The most ironic part is he has no idea how to deal with her dementia and will likely never visit again (he isn't local either, thankfully. he will NEVER be welcome in my presence again and I have no plan to even talk to him ever again.) I had encouraged him to run up one morning with coffee and donut before we head to cleaning. The next time I suggested he go visit, he said he doesn't know what to do with her! THIS from one of two brothers who both said they'd take her in for the money it costs for MC (they had NO idea how expensive it is!)

So, yeah, don't go there alone. Although for now he seems more like the verbal/emotional abuser, you never know...

PS After this incident, I did some research. Although it is not well studied, there are indications that sibling abuse is more prevalent than any other form of domestic abuse! Most people chalk it up to sibling rivalry, boys will be boys and all that blather. There is a HUGE difference between sibling rivalry and abuse! Although they never did anything about him otherwise, they did move him upstairs before it was finished because they were afraid he was going to kill me at night (we had to share a room before that.)
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DofNPDmother Jul 2019
Thank you for sharing with me. Your OB is similar to mine. Mine actually did get violent in the past - once pulling a gun on me out of jealousy because I was painting my mother's bathroom, and once thrusting a knife into a wall while he had my mother pinned. Now, these incidents both took place long ago when he was a meth addict, so I don't expect this to happen now, but it makes me scared. He may not even remember these things. My husband said he will accompany me when I have to have a talk with my brother regarding issues that will rile him up. Otherwise, I go over regularly to take Mom out and will be Gray Rock and try not to be alone with him. Best to you!
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My therapist recommended an audiobook (also in print) that I began listening to this weekend. It is called "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life" by Bill Eddy. Bill is a psychotherapist, lawyer, and mediator and developed the concept of the High Conflict Personality. He identifies certain personality disorders that can also be High Conflict Personalities and tells you specific tips on how to deal with each type. These personality disorders include narcissists, anti-socials, paranoids, borderlines, and histrionics. So far my brother fits the profile of the borderline (he was formally diagnosed as this), narcissist and paranoid (to a tee). As I was listening, during one chapter I thought to myself, oh, that would never work with my brother..... and then later when I came to the chapter on the Paranoid Personality Disorder, the recommendations were different - and they felt spot on! I wanted to share this resource with so many that are in similar situations. Best to you!
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Updating all of you helpful souls: I am beginning to understand more about Gray Rock and how I don't want to provoke the negative and aggressive behavior (of my brother) while at the same time needing to feel empowered and let MY mind and body know that I have a choice and am NOT a victim. It is tricky. My therapist wants me to decide right now how I am going to handle the holidays this year. In the past my mother has adamantly told me that I must include my brother, even though he ruins every get-together, at least for one person whom he targets and talks non-stop to the entire evening. My adult children don't like it, to say the least. So in the upcoming holidays I have decided that my husband and I will take Mom out to a very special dinner at an elegant place alone, not with my brother, in advance of the holiday. I will let him and my mother enjoy the holiday by themselves as he is living with her. Hubbie and I can then share a really joyful holiday with my children and their significant others. Last two years (after Mom's head injury) I resorted to going to a cheap restaurant for the holiday meal with everyone - just because I didn't want to go through all of the trouble to do all of the cooking just to have my brother spoil it in my home. (He states he hates Christmas, etc.) It went better at the restaurant, but now I am ready to take the next step, to take back my own holidays in my home with my kids and make it a real celebration! Mom's doctor told me today that a letter of incompetence is in the mail, so I can share it with the lawyer and rest assured that no one - no salesman or former husband or son can take advantage of her. Taking it day by day, staying Gray Rock, and hoping for the best!
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disgustedtoo Jul 2019
Sounds like a great plan! Hope it all goes as desired...

I tried to get others together for "special" days, it was easiest to go to the MC place and pay them for the meal (get more food and nicer meal for less elsewhere!), but it is a lot of effort just trying to get an answer and then trying to get everyone at the same time/day. I think my coordinating days are OVER. Sitting home alone with my cats, no matter what day of the year it is, could be preferable... ;-)
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Update: Gray Rock is working! In the very beginning it was hard because, as others in this forum advised me, I felt a lot of anger but could not let it show. But as the combination of Boundaries and Grey Rock began to take effect on my narcissistic-and-paranoid-personality-disordered brother, I stopped being his "Target of Blame." Now I can have contact with him (limited), remain pretty calm and open, but still alert to Boundary crossing. As soon as he even starts to shift blame on me, I either apply a physical boundary by leaving ("I'm out of here") which sends a message right away, or in some instances apply a truth boundary ("You don't like X and are looking for someone to blame, then lash out at me. Knock it off.") If he is not crossing my boundaries, then I remain nice and calm, helpful and kind, but careful not to make myself interesting and Never Ever share anything personal or form any emotional bond with him. It is more of a clinical relationship. Anyway, that's how it is going. Best to all!
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Beatty Aug 2019
I am so happy this is working for you. It is hard to change but you are doing amazaing! Putting the truth boundary out there takes real courage. You have inspired me today.
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Yes. Gray. Rock. Give nothing that can be used as fuel. Do not feed. You are a Gray Rock.
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