I work full time but am suppose to take care of my parent exclusively. Has severe mobility issues just picked her up from rehab NH and already is fighting me on things. I work full time and now I have no patience or time for her abrupt nasty insulting behavior. Already resisting what she needs to stay well. Any advice. She doesn’t want to be in nursing facility but she has become so difficult demanding and just so hard to deal with. Going out of my mind.
thanks
Burnt has a saying "Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn". Maybe you can use this on Mom. She needs to understand if she is not going to be cooperative then she is going to be placed. That you cannot afford to quit work.
It is not about what she wants, it is about what is best for both her and you.
You are not supposed to do anything you do not want to do.
Good Luck!
I learned a method called diliberate ignoring. I grew up around drunks and had one as a spouse, so I learned how to tune them out in order to get things done. Unless they are hurting themselves or bleeding to death, there is no need to pay attention to them.
As far as mother goes, when she starts on her nasty tirades, you leave her in the room to cool down. Go shut your door, and do your work. Check on her periodically. Arguing with her is a waste of time. It only gets you more frustrated, upset and will run up your blood pressure.
If she continues on these tirades, assisted living or a nursing home placement would be your best choice. If this isn't a choice for you right now, look into respite care for yourself. My aunt had her mother living with her who had Alzheimer's Disease. Her mother was a very mild mannered and sweet woman before the disease ravaged her brain. She became beligerent and cussed like a sailor. Aunt T would have to place her mom in a facility for a couple of weeks to get some time away from her and catch up on things.
Check out the Department of Aging to see what type of resources are available to you. Have you checked into home care services?
However, judging from your explanation, it sounds as if you've reached a point of making a decision. If you feel you can no longer tolerate this woman in your home, its time for placement. You don't want to keep her around until the situation implodes into something you will regret later. Don't let her guilt you into extending the torment. It doesn't sound like this situation is going to improve without some sort of medical intervention and an eventual placement. Would she be open to a senior day program?
The parent will always think they are correct. We will continue to be the "child" no matter how old we are, and what do we know? And since your Mom lives with you, that makes it even difficult.
I remember my Mom wasn't always user friendly when it came to a doctor who was female, and Mom would say "what does she know?". Mom preferred doctors who were male because they were so much smarter. Mom at the time was in her 90's so that was part of her era where all professionals were pretty much male. Time to bang my head on the wall, but first I need to put on a helmet.
I also needed to put myself into my Mom's shoes. She had lost most of her hearing and eyesight. Gone were the days where my Dad and she could just hop in the car to run errands. No more 2 miles walks like they did not long ago. Dining out was difficult due to Mom's hearing. So many of their friends and siblings had passed on. Life was slowly slipping away. Dad took it in stride. Mom didn't.
When my Mom passed, my Dad sold his house and moved into senior living. The place was built like a hotel, had a restaurant style menu, weekly housekeeping and linen service, etc. Dad was happy as a clam being around people from his generation.
Wish I had better advice, but at least you know how the parent/child dynamics can change things.
You really cannot work full time AND care for an elder 24/7 at the same time, such a thing is not possible. Nobody is able to multi-task to THAT degree and be successful at both ventures. Each job performance will suffer; your full time work-from-home job and the caregiving job you've taken on for your mother.
Your mom may not 'want' to be in a nursing facility, but what we 'want' and what we 'need' as we age become two different matters. If you're already resentful, out of patience, and going out of your mind by taking your mom into your home, it's time NOW to consider placement outside of your home. Whether it's Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing cannot be said due to having no health info about your mom. But that's the only way to get your head straight again and your privacy back, etc. You say you are 'supposed to take care of your parent exclusively.' Who has made such a determination and why? What gives THEM the right to do so?? Let THAT person take care of mom full time instead if you don't want her placed in long term care or continue living with you.
Wishing you the best of luck finding alternate living arrangements for your mother.
You will have to make choices now for your life. Your Mom has had her life. She either can or cannot live with others peacefully and safely. If she cannot it's time for placement.
Is this going to be without pain and tears for you both? No, it isn't going to be. But not everything can be fixed. Some things just have to be recognized as unfixable, and one must come to terms the best way one is able.
I sure do wish you good luck.
Have you considered that perhaps she would be happier in long term care?
I think sometimes fear (of falling, becoming ill, of end of life) turns into anger.
Is she on meds for depression?