graygrammie Asked September 2020
Doc wants to medicate ME!
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But he won't allow you to seek counseling where you might get that support.
Dementia or not, this is coercion.
Why don't you go visit your dad for a couple of weeks? See if the hoarseness as goes away.
Let DH be head of the household on his own for a few weeks.
More info is required b/4 posting a full response.
It doesn’t seem fair to take anti-anxiety medication when you are not the problem! But I will share that I recently started to take some anti-anxiety medication myself due to my own situation taking on the oversight of my mother’s care. I resent needing to take the medication because of a woman that was abusive and neglectful. However I chose to step in because it was the right thing to do.
Taking the medication has helped me to calm down and gain a clearer perspective. I feel more organized if that makes sense. I feel like I can move forward with calm decision making. I am better able to let her behavior roll off my back. Because of Covid, I am not doing the things I would normally do to help manage my stress (gym, spin class, travel, eating out with my friends, going to public lectures, etc). And even if I went for a walk in the park before taking medication, my mind would be racing and I wouldn’t be relaxing!
I have been seeing a therapist (Telehealth) and after a few months she suggested being evaluated for medication. I had a thorough talk with my doctor. I know that the medication is only temporary. It has helped me realize how “normal” feels again. As far as taking medication, it’s not the answer to my stress, I want to be to clear about that. I am taking other positive measures to deal with the changes in my life. It’s just that the racing thoughts and feeling like there was a boulder weighing me down all the time was getting in the way of sleeping, my relationships, and enjoying life. The advice of “take a deep breath” or “just get out for a walk” wasn’t cutting it.
I am so sorry you are under so much stress in dealing with your husband. Definitely rule out any physical concerns first. I am only sharing my experience so you have some perspective on anti-anxiety medication use to help with stress.
And despite a confirmed dx of dementia, tells you that he is not ill, still head of the household and you will do as he says?
You have a very big problem, GG. What does he do if you go against his wishes? Has he always been this controlling?
But please don't neglect your own physical health. You deserve as much diligent care as your husband does. You both are important people.
I have been on Lexapro since 2010. I tried a couple of other medications, but this one has no side effects for me (each person is different).
If you had a severe rash and your doctor said, try the cream twice a day, and if that doesn't work I'm sending you to a dermatologist, would you hesitate to do either one of those things?
The hoarseness could be due to stress but that is no reason to take anti-anxiety meds when you don't want to take them. Some holistic therapists might say the hoarseness is unexpressed anger and throat chakra issues. It's a bit flaky I know but the concept is worth checking out. I had about 6 weeks of hoarseness with no apparent cause after leaving an abusive partner. It eventually cleared itself but your situation is different.
Your husband's behaviour is abusive but you know that. Is there any way your boomerang son can help? If he is living under your roof he should take some of the stress away from you. I can't understand how a man who is fit enough to play regular golf needs so much care and undivided attention. You definitely need to get advice from a medical professional other than your GP. Fingers crossed the ENT can point you in the right direction.
Try to figure out if clearing your throat has just become a habit or tic.
Do you feel drainage before you clear your throat? as it could just be a sinus problem.
Remember, it is your body and your choice and you do not have to take any meds or go to see an ENT.
If you checked out healthy from your Dr visit, if the constant clearing of your throat and staying hoarse doesn't bother you then do nothing.
I think I would tell my Dr that I don't want to take meds and what the worse that could happen be to do nothing.
Then depending on the answer go visit the ENT and get a 2nd opinion or do nothing..
of course you clearing your throat and your husband ducking his teeth are both annoying.
Maybe you started clearing your throat because you were being annoyed by your husband sucking his teeth?
You are probably right that it is stress but so is your doctor! Why not try the antidepressants and see how you get on, otherwise you need to change something - which might be better but is not always possible.
Also don't ignore the issue as hoarseness can be a symptom of something else and you may be wise to get checked out. xx
Also our furnace started dying. We had no humidity in the house. I woke up with a hoarse voice, stuffed up, headache almost every day. Our new furnace lets you adjust the humidity. I dont have that now.
Taking care of a loved one is extremely stressful. You need help and time away to focus on you. A break! Women always put themselves last. And your health is telling you something is wrong. Listen to it.
You might also need to sleep with the window cracked open a bit to allow humidity into the room.
You need to get a handle on your stress. That is not being selfish. That is preserving your sanity. Dont let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Good luck.
surgeons want to operate, docs want to medicate, you get whatever ever response they’re programmed to give. Your having a normal response to an abnormal situation.
Go out take a walk, find a way to get some help so you can take a break. I am told you get burn out after 2 years and become inefficient. We can’t do it all no matter how much we want to.
Have you considered finding someone who could talk with you about a good way to deal with the stress that you think is causing the problem?
Doctors have medicine and procedures. That's what they can offer you when you visit.
Does it matter if he is sarcastic or upset? He has dementia. He should NOT be "driving the bus" of the relationship.
There is so much wrong with this picture from start to finish that I can't begin to say what all. I have a feeling you see it too, so you are digging your heels in and resisting all advice from that quack of a dr.
I agree with you. You are not the problem. Not only is your situation unfair for you but it is toppling over into unbearable for you.
I suggest you fix the problem before you snap, and I don't mean fix you..
I started taking an antidepressant in caregiving for my parents. It helps. There’s no shame in taking something that helps our brain function any more than there is to keep our BP in the normal range. Something is out of whack and medication helps it.
Hopefully it’s just a new allergy and a dose of Claritin (get the generic!) fixes it.
I had had a night when it came on and lasted for 4 hrs. Miserable, but since no Dr. had ever acted like it was a big deal (and I guess in the grand scheme, cancer and all, it kind of got pushed to the back).
PCP kind of freaks out, tells me what it is and while it won't kill me, it's bad for my heart and VERY unpleasant to live with. He put me on Metropolol and had me RUN to the pharmacy and get it and start it THAT DAY.
I have upped the dose twice and finally feel like maybe it's OK now. STRESS is the cause. Just STRESS. Told Dh and he said "calm down, then". Then I had to 'borrow' one of his pills as I was out and he found out how much I take and it FINALLY hit him that it was serious. He said "Why didn't you say anything about it?" Well, I had but he doesn't listen.
So--here is a case where medicating ME is necessary. I don't feel like a failure. A saint couldn't live with my DH. My kids tell me all the time that if I pass first, he will go straight into a care facility. All 5 of them have said I could live with them and all 5 have said they'd put dad in a home.
My DH is pretty checked out. I sometimes wish he paid more attention to me, then I read posts from people who have controlling DH's and I am grateful mine barely acknowledges me. (although a happy medium would be nice)
Put yourself first--we're useless as CG's if we are miserable/cranky/annoyed. There's no shame in taking a medication that HELPS your QOL.
Has he always been unreasonable, or is this just since the dementia started?
Why not? I've never heard of this kind of restriction, unless there's dust or something on the magazines or books that causes a reaction.
But you also wrote:
"Time away from my husband is impossible. Yes, I have to be in his presence constantly."
Sorry, but I'm confused. You have rights that you can exercise. And if you're in another room, you're not in his presence constantly unless he watches you through the door. Nor when you're in the bathroom.
I think you need to take a stand in your own behalf. That's an observation, not a criticism. I understand you feel an obligation to be with him, but that's unrealistic.
Yes I do escape to computer as much as possible but it only sets me up for sarcastic nasty comments later.
Yes, I do need to take a stand for myself but I want to know I have the support of others to back me up. Right now I do not have that.
Do not wash your clothes with any of his.
Who wouldn't be allergic to that stuff? Have you ever been to the golf course and had a reaction?
See, now you don't need a doctor at all, because you have us. Maybe.
"Tardive dyskinesia (TD) is a movement disorder characterized by uncontrolled facial movements, such as repetitive tongue movements, chewing or sucking motions, and involuntarily making faces. It may also involve movements of the limbs or torso."
"Other drugs that can cause TD include:
Metoclopramide (treats stomach problem called gastroparesis)
Antidepressant drugs such as amitriptyline, fluoxetine, phenelzine, sertraline, trazodone.
Antiparkinson drugs such as levodopa.
Antiseizure drugs such as phenobarbital and phenytoin."
And so many others!
Often, it can be cured by decreasing or discontinuing the
drug(s) responsible.
Even if women come in presenting heart attack type symptoms they are brushed off more often than men. This has been documented. Maybe if men were prescribed meds like Lexapro or Xanax more often, women would be less likely to feel crappy cause the men in their life would be easier to deal with. Just saying....
She told her doctor her symptoms. He knew of her heart condition, yet he gave her a paper to read with a list of symptoms of panic attacks.
She informed her doctor that she was not experiencing panic and told him that if she were a guy that he would be running heart test.
Anyway, she got frustrated and went to a new doctor that did run tests. Turns out all she needed was her meds adjusted.
She was fine after her dosage was changed to the level needed.
Best wishes to you.
When I had to take care of my parents and it was stressful, I had a constant cough and post nasal drip. I thought I had an ongoing cold. Come to find out, I have developed allergies. I'm with you, I think stress can cause allergies. I never had allergies before. But, sure enough, this spring and summer, gardening with my mom, cough, congestion, post nasal drop. I'm taking vitamin C and quercetin and it helps immensely.
I hesitate to take anti-anxiety meds unless I really really have too because I don't want to become dependent on them.