I take care of my mom, who lives with me. It seems like she is always finding things to get angry about or things to cry about or be depressed or worry about. In her defense, she has a lot of health issues and chronic pain. She's home alone a lot when I'm at work, and I do notice times when she's trying to be positive.
I'm just tired of all of it and I'd like to vent. I'm sick of her attitude, I'm sick of her constantly finding problems all the time with people or things that she expects me to fix or solve, I'm sick of talking to people on her behalf, I'm sick of trying to play devil's advocate all the time because she thinks everyone is out to screw her over, I'm sick of her feeling like she can say anything to me, no matter how rude, but is extremely defensive and reactive if I point out any of her flaws. I'm tired of her finding all the things wrong with her life instead of things that are right. I'm sick of her crying and feeling sorry for herself. I just want to leave sometimes.
I face issues with my mom better after I remind myself that some people are happy being miserable and I am not responsible for their happiness.
Hang in there.
The older you get, the more you lose. At least that is what it seems like for some. That produces such fear, which if one doesn't know how to handle fear can immediately go to anger. And with losses comes some depression. So many older people live in the past and focus on what they use to have and use to be. However, I wish they could see, that they still are a person, with such great value and worth. And I wish they would focus on their lives now and what they can do, instead of what they can't do.
But there are only a small amount of people who grow older with a smile. My Mom is one of them. My Dad was not. But there is still so many losses they feel with or without a smile. We truly can't understand until we are there. And I feel if we can understand now for our loved ones, maybe when we are there we will be able to manage it better.
God is a very present help in times of trouble and trials. Look to him for help. I will pray for you and your Mom.
Fear is crippling. I know several elders that attend services but they still have tons of anxiety. They always did. For some people the anxiety intensifies as they age. It’s sad. I pray for everyone to break free from excessive anxiety. It is a hardship.
My mother was recently in hospital and the geriatric team did not believe the way my mother was negatively venting to me was healthy or helpful for either of us and they recommended I protect myself as much as possible. They recommended respectfully "pushing her" to solve most of her issues herself. For example if my mother vents about her family doctor, I now listen respectfully for 30 seconds and then gently ask what she wants to do about it. I do not offer advice or argue. To my surprise, the answer is usually "nothing" - and then I move on and change the subject to something more positive. If she keeps venting, I repeat the question in a very neutral way. If she keeps venting, I excuse myself and leave. There hasn't been one instance where she asks me what I think or says "you have to do something." My mother is not stupid and knows she is being managed, but it has helped - it's like a mental switch where I remove myself from the awful stress of trying to resolve her stress, anxiety and unhappiness - which isn't possible.
The suggestions in this forum about encouraging involvement in outside interests are great but I know achieving this is not always easy. In my mother's case, my parents lived a highly reclusive lifestyle for about 40 years and my mother rarely leaves the house and discourages visitors (if extended family visit, there will be an extended vent after the visit). Yes, this speaks to a need for help but she has always refused to engage on any mental health issues and says it is her right to live as she pleases.
Every family and every case is different and I wonder if there is a health professional who can advise you about the best approach for your situation with your mother. All the best for finding some solutions.
Why? Because I lost a friend to breast cancer when she was 38. Had a husband and 2-year-old daughter. When she was first diagnosed (was already stage 4), she was given maybe 2- 4 years at the most. At the time, her baby was 6 months old.
She said she’d fight like hell to stay around to see her daughter get married.
Then it became to see her graduate college.
Then it became to see her graduate high school.
Then it became to see her become a teenager.
Then it became to see her start kindergarten.
Finally, it became hoping her daughter would have a memory, even a slight one, of her.
Two rounds of intense chemo got her two years. That’s all. And she would have given anything to reach old age and watch her daughter grow up. So I can’t be totally sympathetic when I hear someone gripe just for being alive.
My friends loved my mom! She was a doll to them and everyone else.
Family dynamics are so interesting. My mom knew the things that she said to me would have been very inappropriate to say to others.
It’s behind closed doors that the claws came out. Did anyone else experience this?
OP you have gotten some good advice from others who have been there. I pray that you come to terms with the fact that your mother is going to continue to be miserable and mean. She will continue to manipulate you and suck the energy right out of your body and soul if you don't pull back emotionally. Take care of her needs and spend the time with her that you can bear. Then take care of YOUR needs. When my mother is being toxic (which is every. single. day), I tune it out or let her know that I'm a phone call away if she needs me. It has taken me almost 20 years to get to this point with her since I've been caring for her since I was 25. I've been her sole caregiver for the last 10, and now my teenage children are helping. I've already taught them to respect grandma and be calm with their responses, but they are allowed to tune her out when she is screaming and calling them horrible things. They are allowed to say, "Grandma, if you need me, I'll be in the other room." They are allowed to call or text me to intervene. You need to allow yourself to walk away. Teach her how to treat you. If you allow her to be horrible, she will be. If you say, "It seems that you want to be alone since you are being mean to me. If you need something, let me know," and walk away, every time, you can reclaim some of your power back. I have started doing this, very calmly and kindly. I tell her she is mean. I tell her she is not treating me appropriately. You can, too. She will buck, but you will feel empowered, and THAT goes a LONG way with your mental health. You deserve to be at peace and you need it for your own well-being.
My mom also gets very negative and it drives me nuts. Complains about EVERYTHING. And tells me mean things about people she knows (or used to know?) that I like, etc. Maddening.
I guess their lives become very small and boring and their pain and mental cognition decline just are the cherry on top.
I can understand you wanting to leave at times! I hear you. I want to run away and hide. I spend a lot of time in my room or out of the house so as to avoid these annoying "conversations".
Good luck!