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Sadly I think all of us have gone through this. For me, this was extra painful because these were the people my father would cancel out on time with me so he could go out with them. Once he moved into AL the visits were few and far between. On the other hand, my father was the same way...when he had a friend that was failing he seemed to distance himself from them.
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LiloLil Jun 2022
Every time I visit Dad, he asks when my brother is coming! My brother visits when it suits him, didn’t go on his birthday (probably his last) won’t be going on Father’s Day, won’t go if there’s roadworks that will delay him or when he’s agreed to spend time with his girlfriend and to cap it all says there’s no point as Dad doesn’t even know he’s there! So i do everything and although I don’t expect Thanks from my poor old Dad, it’s a bit deflating when you feel he’d rather see someone different.
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I agree that those people you worked with and volunteered with you are friendly with, but they are not friends. When you leave the job or stop volunteering, you lose touch with them. I may get a Christmas card occasionally that makes me happy that I am remembered.

I am 72 and will not enter a Nursing home. COVID is still out there and we have no idea we have contracted it until we have symptoms. By that time we have infected other people. The excuse “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” is a good one. No matter how nice, NHs are depressing.

Really, you can't keep people away from the service. Going to the graveside can be private. You can ask ahead those you would like to be there. Same with the luncheon, you invite who you want. I called those I knew were attending and others I invited during the viewing as they paid their respects.

I was mad at Moms Church and the Minister who felt he did not need to visit parishioners that were homebound. My mother was on committees, did funeral luncheons, and large dinners. The minister had been with us almost 20 yrs. Those who she had gone places with and she considered friends rarely visited if at all. Maybe because it was my home? When Mom passed I had a family friend do her service. Luncheon was invitation only.
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My husband was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers when he was 54 , we had several friends that we hung out with. I took care of him for 7 and 1.2 years not one visitor when he went into memory care I was the only who visited he was only there for 3 months (mind you we have three grown children. My middle son wanted a big funeral and I did not I could not look into the the faces of are so called friends and there so called kind words when they had not seen or spoke to him for 8 years , I had him cremated because I did not want anyone to see what had become of him, he had lost so much weight and had aged . It has only been 6 months but I am done with trying to reach out now , when it is to late.
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LiloLil Jun 2022
I feel your pain. It’s very hard to watch someone diminish every day and trying to help them retain aspects of their life because that’s what keeps them going. My father has been a Major in the army, he was respected and respectful. He cared for 2 wives whilst they died from cancer - nothing was too much trouble for him, day or night.
The volunteering was was not ‘work’, but providing entertainment for others, organising trips, chairing meetings - he was the most entertaining speech maker. He went to the pub with friends every Thursday, drove friends to hospital appointments and took a few female friends on holidays, theatre trips and meals - he was very generous. This is why it hurts me, to know that he would’ve been there for them and really, as a daughter, I’m not the best day in day out company for an 81 year old man. He wanted to go to the pub with friends. He hated being on his own since my Mum died. I took him to a friends funeral a couple of months ago, he said he had a lovely day because he was able to see and talk to his buddies. But they haven’t been in touch since, When their hour of need comes, I wonder how they will feel when everyone stops calling? Loneliness is a killer for old people. I do think they should be ashamed - it takes very little to show kindness, Care homes are as protected as they can be having all had vaccinations. Initially visiting only through windows standing outside, then pods with glass dividers so no touch allowed, isolating residents after hospital stays for 10 days and regular testing - they couldn’t be anymore protected. The loneliness was terrible for them and they couldn’t understand why it was happening. Can you imagine. My Dad was trying to escape, would pay anyone to take him out. It’s not about me feeling sorry for myself and not understanding what it likes to get old as some on here have said. I’ve seen it and I was only thinking of Dad when I was asking them to consider visiting him. I am floored by their lack of compassion.
May your grief journey begin to move forward.
take care x
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Have a funeral service and allow those who wish to come, to come. To be very frank, I don't know people who enjoy going to funerals. Many will be relieved not to have to come. I am certain most you have already lost contact with.
I will tell you honestly that people who were once "friends" for me, were lost contact with over time when our paths diverged, when we weren't doing the same things, going the same places, working at the same place, or when we moved a bit farther away. It was gradual, and eventually it just "happened" and they were down to Christmas Card contacts.
If there were mental changes for your Dad, then he wasn't the same person they "knew". Family sticks through that, but even for family it isn't easy, and they don't often stick well.
We are what we are and most of us have human limitations. We all know the "special people" in our lives, and can treasure them, and forgive the others, at best.
I am so very sorry for your having to bear witness to your Dad's decline and that it hurt the more to see his loss of his friends, and sorry for your coming loss. Your Dad was lucky to have YOU, and I bet toward the end YOU were the most of what he wanted. For my own parents, toward the end, friends could be a "burden" in all honesty, making them feel their own deficits, that they couldn't "do for them" when they visited. There was a sort of "discomfort" and I think your Dad's friend had it more right than one would like, that you are sitting with a reminder of what's to come, of what has been lost. As a nurse, I was comfortable with the stages of life as my entire life was bearing witness to them, but that isn't so for everyone.
Yours is such an interesting question.
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Do whatever you want. More than likely most of them won't show up for the funeral and then you will feel worse thinking all these people will come to the funeral and many don't.

Let people know you are having a service but just the funeral no food or anything afterwards. That is common now. It's not your job to entertain or host people after a funeral.
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You write that your Dad was a volunteer and active in the community; but how many close friends did he have? I have long been active in organizations and in my community. Now that I am in a wheelchair and fairly homebound I no longer see people from these organizations. The people who visit me are close friends of many years, close neighbors and family.
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@fawnby Is it me you’re telling to grow up, move on and think less about myself?
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lealonnie1 Jun 2022
You have every right to think about yourself and your father; it's difficult to take care of a loved one alone, without anyone coming by to say hello or to see how he's doing. I know; I spent 10.5 years caring for 2 elderly parents as their only child. We have family in town who came by to see them very, very rarely over the years, and never once during the last 4 years. I have 2 adult children who pitched in and visited and called, but that was it. Mom always wondered why 'everyone abandoned' her and it was tough to give her an answer on that and tougher to tell her not to feel sad about it!!!!
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Many people are afraid of death. They don't want to be reminded of the end of life. They will find all kinds of excuses for not visiting some one who is in his lat journey. It doesn't mean they were not his friends. They are just afraid of facing their own mortality. In regard with the funeral, do whatever you wish. You can be generous enough to forgive your father's old friends, or you can shame them by keeping them out of the funeral. Once a person is dead nothing matters anymore.
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I say, don't invite those who weren't there in his hour of need. Don't invite those that make you feel angry, that make you boil up inside. Invite the kind people. Having said all that, try to guess what your father wants. The funeral isn't just for the living: it's what your father would want.
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I have struggled with the exact situation in the past, having a sister who passed away after years in a nursing home. I can not tell you how many times my heart would completely break for her, how many times I asked friends and family members to just visit with her, as she loved the company.
Although she would absolutely light up when she would get occasional visitor, she endured struggles largely on her own. I was glad to be there for her, felt sorry to be the best she had. I see the same kind of future in my life, I an only hope to have her strength.
I can completely understand both of the options, please consider your loved ones wishes. Don’t be surprised if they would forgive the negligence. I would also caution that no one ever regretted someone attending the funeral of a loved one, but they will forever regretful of those who weren’t able to attend.
It would be so great not to be in this situation, if only people would know the wonderful joy they can give another person by spending a little time.
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Lilolil, I am sorry for your impending loss.

Your dad's friends are seniors. Most likely their health has declined much in the last 2 years due to social isolation.

The reasons that some of his friends gave you are all good reasons. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were an elderly person whose physical and mental health, and memory are slipping. If you didn't see your friends for 2 years, you would probably not think about or remember them.

As for the "I don't go that way often" reason, most elderly don't go anywhere often anymore. The elderly people that I know avoid going out except to medical appointments.

Your dad's friends didn't stop visiting due to any bad intentions on their part. It's just how (COVID) life is. Change is constant. Be grateful they cared about ypur dad enough to visit him regularly prior to COVID. Many people don't have any visitors.

As for inviting them to dad's funeral, I would extend an invitation, but I wouldn't expect them to come for the same reasons they gave you. Maybe some will come to say good bye and pay respect. Be grateful if they do come because it takes effort for them to get to the funeral and it might be the last time you see them alive.
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Fawnby Jun 2022
I agree with this. Those who aren’t elderly, like the OP, seem to have no idea how restricted elderly peoples lives have become. If you go to a care home to visit, you might take a disease along with you and infect the very people you are there to cheer up. Or you might get it from them, and a visit with even a very good friend who might not even know us anymore isn’t worth dying for. The elderly during this pandemic have struggled with how to learn ordering everything we need so it can be delivered. Some won’t or can’t learn the necessary technology. It’s hard to get a doctor appointment because so many doctors and staff have retired so we live with conditions that need treatment until someone can see us. I know a woman who has waited over 6 months to get a hip replacement because hospital beds are filled with Covid patients. We have lost our loved ones to disease and mourning them every day to the point where figuring out how to get to a care home to visit a friend is exhausting not to mention depressing. We weren’t able to go to funerals because we didn’t feel safe congregating or traveling on planes to get there. And we still don’t. Some dear friends and loved ones had no funeral. By this time, we don’t even want to go to funerals as they provide little solace plus a whole lot of stress. And many of us have caregiving duties that overwhelm us and keep us home so that we can’t consider what’s happening to Mr. X in the nursing home much less his daughter who expects more than we have to give.
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Why shouldn’t you feel “emotionally involved”?

Our LOs suffered terribly during the pandemic, but the caregivers who loved them have suffered too.

You are entitled to celebrate the love you felt for your father exactly as YOU and your brother wish.

Plan a lovely peaceful reflective gathering to honor your father’s loss, and invite only those whom you believe will sustain your family and give YOU comfort.

You may prefer in the future to forgive those who didn’t honor him appropriately during his later life. ALL Senior adults felt the worries and deprivations of involuntary shut downs, and some of your father’s friend may actually have been afraid to subject themselves to ANY risk of infection.

Forgiveness is sometimes a gift you give to yourself, even as the injured party.

Peace and comfort to you during the difficult moments facing you.
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Fawnby Jun 2022
It seems like too many people nowadays are thinking of themselves as the injured party. Over everything. Time to grow up and move on.
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