Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

ckinmon, your situation makes mine feel like a piece of cake. Bless you for hanging in there and I am SO SORRY that you lost a child. Just continue to come here for support. It really helps. You've definitely got your hands full. Take good care.

I think Crowemagnum is for the most part right on about my situation. It's odd that there is so much guilt for caregivers when we are doing a very good thing in taking care of our loved ones. My guilt goes back a long way though. It's pretty much constant. That and the anxiety. I'm just taking one hour at a time and trying to get out with my husband more when we can. I also plan on getting a part time job to help with our finances. That will be difficult as I never know how Mom is going to feel day to day. I guess I just need to trust the caregivers to attend to her and not feel like I have to be here myself. I also never know exactly how I am going to feel day to day. Thanks again for ALL of your input. I really appreciate it.

When my MIL was here, I was telling my SIL that there was a family reunion on my side and I wanted to attend (as I hadn't seen some of my relatives since I was a little girl--elementary school age). I think she probably couldn't help out because she had to work, otherwise, she would've. She suggested a NH for the length of time I would be gone (a week). I didn't like that idea. Apparently, Medicare would pay for that was her thinking. Now that she's out of the house for good and in a NH, I have to find a way to make it. It won't be until the last week of July.

In my case, I believe there is only so far that I can go when it comes to my personal sacrifices and I let my mom know those limitations in no uncertain terms, so when it comes to her playing head games and being overly needy just for her own kicks, I am very firm, and hionest, about what she will and will not get away with.
Yes, It's always a challenge because now she finds this game of wills amusing, but I stick to my ground and remind myself that if I allow her to get me upset over these things, then I am not being true to myself.

I am also depressed and feeling bitterness and resentment towards my entire situation as well as my mom, then at times guilty because I do, but it only gets worse.. My mom is only 61 and yes has limitations since her stroke two years ago,, but she wont even try to do anything for herself or to better herself and I have tried to help in every way possible without success as well I have sacrificed my entire life for the past 2 years to love and help someone who could care less.. She also isn't 100% safe when home alone because of seizures or that she could start a fire because she smokes and is constantly burning carpet and clothes to the point she is allowed to smoke in only one designated area .. My youngest brother began staying with us a year ago and for a minute it seemed to be getting better for all of us but quickly back to the same ole yet now another person is affected..it's the most negative and depressing life ever, even more than losing my 9 year in a fire 14 years ago which was undescribable..but eventually found peace and even joy in my life again, not so here,, and I'm unwilling to give up but ever-so willing to do whatever to care for mom but to also live&enjoy my life since I am going to be a 1st time grandma come November as well I haven't worked since September 2009 which makes me feel worthless, useless, helpless.. which also limits the time and support I want to give my daughter & the financial support I want to give her as she becomes a 1st time mom...one more thing...my mom has dealt with depression, alcoholism and pot issues all her life until she learned to manage moderation..now she constantly is asking for the latter 2 and it's a battle when she is not granted them & wont so much as eat, get out of bed absolutely nothing,,but if she gets ithem she is the happiest person ever...I am tired of helping when she wont help herself also she seems to enjoy seeing me miserable simply because she is...enough said for now and very grateful for any help or guidance from anyone...

The answer is YES many times people will say let me know what I can do to help let them it might be for them to come over for 2 hrs, so you can take a shower or a nap or a walk or bring dinner I am sorry I was too proud or stupid to let others help me out I did tell people to give me a call once ina while but I should have been the one to call-now after the fact I can think of a thousads things others could have done.

This really is difficult, watching mom fade like this, and she is a pain in the you know what while she fades. Yikes, I want 1962 back again.

Good days & bad days. Cherish the good days & try & take the bad days with lots of salt.
There are days when I am litterally paralized for fear of what mom has in store for me & waste half the day avoiding the inevitable only to find my fears were unwarranted. This usually follows a day when the old girl takes me be suprise and bursts my caregiver bubble with an M16. Yes there is a pattern here. Try not to fall into the trap.(Just realized this myself!)
God's grace is new every day. Forgive & move on. You do what you can & give the rest to GOD. NO GUILT!!!!!!!! We are humans and humans have limitations. Only God can make it all better. Sometimes we have to get out of the way and let Him do His work.
I know this for a fact from my own personal experience countless times!!! In a situation, in you and in others. Ask God & then step back & let Him do His work!!!! Try not to be too slow on the uptake when He sends help your way or you may miss it. IE: Be receptive and alert when help presents itself. Little things can often make a huge difference.
We all would like better control of the situation but God knows soooooo much better than we. Our dreams & wants can interfere & are often unrealistic for the moment.
I would love to have the perfect end of life relationship with my mom where she loves & is nice to me and I can love & care for her every need. That is way not likely to happen!!! I do what I can & give the rest to GOD! The other alternative is really ugly & I've already been there.

Absolutely! Caregiver's are significantly more prone to depression than the general population due to what I call, "The Caregiver's Dilemma!" Caregiver's, have a distinct personality that, like wealth, can be earned or inherited. Whether you were born (as in naturally by birth) into your Caregiver Personality or BORNE (as in accepting a burden or role) into it, you have it nonetheless.

Having this personality makes you highly prone to "Cognitive Distortions" which are natural, yet unproductive ways of thinking... some call them "Stinkin' Thinkin'" that can lead you directly into depression.

I would love to speak and write more on this topic but there is not space nor time here and now... feel free to contact me anytiime!

shelleyanne,

Amen! You are a wise woman!

I think back when we were at mom's house, there was no sleep, anxt, way too much alcohol, what a mess. I had to leave. That being said I was able to leave. Love Mom but my relationship with my husband is where my heart it. So friends I struggle with this as well, doing the best we can do, and not caving under the weight. Love to all of you

he y friend, how wonderful that you are doing what you are doing. it' is a bitch, no getting around it.

Every one of us deals with depression I think. I had and unfortunately still have guilt even when I leave the house. Even if I'm sitting in the house relaxing and I'm not engaging my grandmother, I feel guilty and then depressed- just because she might be bored! I went to a therapist for a while and realized that I cannot do this to myself. You have to cut yourself some slack and make some time for you. Easier said than done, right? We will be no help to the ones we care for if we crash and burn. My husband and I are the only ones taking care of my grandmother, no other family or friends as well. Five years is a feet. I hope we all make it that long at my house!

to avoid depression: go shopping, watch a movie, go to walk, go to the park, go to a support group, talk to a caseworker, work, ask for help maybe having a home attendant at home to take care of the patient will give you time to go to work or to do your things-live your life- never try to become the patient's life yourself-live your live-do thinks for you. go to the beauty parlor, dye your hair-find a good friend to go dinner,dancing, etc.

You made a bunch of good points, Crowemagnum. I really like the "Sanctuary/Safe Place" idea. Also, I've heard a little lately, but not enough, about the effects of prolonged grieving. I think it's an important aspect to be aware of considering what we do, and if anyone knows more about the subject I think alot of us could benefit from that knowledge.
In my own situation, I am on the second go round with all this. Mom had a severe TIA three years ago after numerous smaller ones and various cancers, that left her in a state which appeared to be the end. She was unresponsive for months and I eventually decided to put her in a home believing that she was unaware of her circumstances. And so I grieved as is natural and began to go on with restoring my life until, lo and behold, she slowly recuperated to the point that she would cry to come home everytime I spoke with her.
I did take her back home, (thinking that she wanted to be home to die and probably would soon enough) and began round two of the caregiving life. That was three years ago and she has been on a very slow and long decline ever since.
This double whammy has been stressful enough and when you consider the up and down emotions, I believe my natural grieving process has been messed with very badly.
However, I'm in this til the end, And I can't tell you all how much help it is for me just to read all your posts and know I'm not alone.
Thanks.

Grief which becomes stuck keeps people from moving on with going on out to the grocery store and even having the energy to work on such things at 91 with Alzheimer's must be absolutely impossible. I agree and think all three of you are depressed although your husband is in denial which I understand as a man and avoided facing for a long time.

Depression leads to extra sleep and or escape from the stress of the present. I get on my computer in my "Man Cave" to escape stress and drama. Most of the time, it is the one consistently neat, organized and correct climate place in our residence. Life gets really tough when that one place gets out chaotic and dirty. Whenever, I re-boot so to speak, I have to start there before I can really deal effectively with anything else. Thus, after some time keeping the records of my parent's long over due tax information that I was working on cramped the joy of that place and thus I moved such items out into another room and container. This led me to see that another burden in this room was items in their from keeping up with our personal budget and yearly taxes and I moved all of that out. I think I've now basically freed the room of any reminders of current or old stress and only have reminders of past accomplishments academically, athletically, community service as well as nice trips that I have gone on plus the best books of my personal library.

Financial stress and related depression can creat an "until debt do we part" senario. Please don't let guilt drive you into burrying your anger over financial strains into deeper depression by hoping your husband will just get over being depressed so that you can feel better which will just not work. I'm not a therapist but possibly some of his depression and yours is some silent suffering going on concerning your marriage that if it is so really must be talked about by you to in some 'husband and wife' time or possibly with a trained and objective third party.

It does not sound like spring time has liften you up beyond where you were back in February. I think it is because it this depression is more than just seasonal. Taking pills for depression is freequently not enough for often both talk therapy and some liftestyle changes are needed.

If I may be my typical Irish/German blunt self, I'm hearing a ton of obligation fueled by and enormous amount of guilt and kept afire by some undefinable fear. Do you perceive yourself or have others pereived you as functioning in F.O.G., Fear-Obligation-Guilt?

Is any of this guilt coming from feeling like you ought to be up to taking care of your mother at the level of need that her health is now and somehow afraid that you might already be at or past that point, but feel obligated to go on because the guilt of having to say I can't do it anyomore just like this frightens you from some powerful sense of obligation to be super-daughter or fear that someone(s) might think less of you if you don't just gut through it even if it destroys your physcial and/or mental health, finances and marriage? I get the feelilng that you are extremely hard on yourself for some reason. I might be totally wrong about all of the above and if so I'm sorry and forget what I wrote.

I think Mom is depressed too. She has missed Dad so much for 4 1/2 years. She doesn't want to go to the grocery store because it reminds her so much of him. Also, it's difficult to take her places. She gets tired very easily. She has a very weak heart, alzheimer's, diabetes, and is totally incontinent. The last time my husband and I tried to take her out to eat we had to leave before our meal came because she needed to go home and lay down. I know when all is said and done I will wish I had done more. oh boy...just what I need...more guilt.

i understand- i make sure i exercise daily- i have friends over daily - make lunch or dinner - they'll come- mom has alzheimers- for some reason is totally happy around children- i have them over often- i take her to the store with me - i use the electric wheelchair- she cant use the controls so i walk alongside it and control it- funny how i dont see any elderly people at the stores- they need to get out too - probably depressed too- my mom likes to sit outside- we bought a propane heater for the colder days- gonna start going to a bible study at night and bring her with me- get a video monitor and a motion detector so you dont have to sit with them all day - your mom is probably depressed too- we are going camping this weekend to new malones- taking mom with- sh may like it- we'll see- y0uneed to have a life too- good luck

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I think one of the reasons I get depressed when my husband is down is that he sleeps or plays computer games and gets nothing done around the house and that makes me angry. He claims he's not depressed or claims he may be depressed a little. I try to push myself to do things and of course there are things I HAVE to do no matter how I'm feeling. My husband and I are also stressed about money. That does not help. I will just have to continue to fight this depression because I won't put Mom in a nursing home.

Feeling like you have hit rock bottom and like there is nothing more of you left to give.

Feel a million miles from their real self.

Feelings of anger, negativity, exhaustion and anxiety are overwhelming to the point that your ability to pursue a 'normal' life and 'normal' relationships is beyond just being tough, but nearly impossible.

I so agree about the emotional crash!! I feel so excluded... my mother demands so much of my time and I always wonder about all those people out there having a good time. Why don't they have to deal with difficult, elderly parents who demand to know where they are every minute? She goes into an emotional outburst if I even go out to dinner with someone. It drives me crazy and she doesn't even live with me!! Constant phone calls and if I don't answer, where was I, what was I doing, why didn't I invite her to go along?? It's easier to sit at home and wait for the phone to ring so that I can tell her I'm doing nothing, rather than try to explain to her that I was out having fun with people my age, or at a party with my kids or something. She even threatened to have my kids taken away from me last summer because we were going on a family vacation and not inviting her to go along!

now that summers is here and so much activies are out and about . people , friends nieghbors are all makin plans each weekends to have a cook out parties , graduations amd boating lake beach and all that fun stuff . bon fire ! 50 th bday party with band oh my doesnt that sound wonderful ?
well i cant go cuz i have to sit at home . i think that would be a emotional crash ..

What would an emotional crash look like?

Miz,

Both of you are understandibly exhausted. Some of this is depression and some is compassion fatigue. Feeding off of your husband or anyone for that matter is called enmeshment. It is when we make how we feel dependent on how others are doing. Your emotional tank is below E at least in my opinion. There sounds like there is nothing left to give and you feel deprived of no one giving to you and in particular your own self and sense of being a seperate self from both your mother and your husband has been deprived the freedom to let yourself do something renewing and nice for yourself for a change. No, you do not sound selfish. You sound very normal but on the edge of an emotional crash.

You do need to have some inerest besides caregiving -someday that will end and if you do not have friends or other interest now you will feel all afloat when that day comes and you need a break every day in order to have the engery to go on with lthe lift you have been dealt with. Reach out to others now join some activity even if most of the time you will not be able to attend where you can make even if you make one friend-I did at a caregivers support group I met a lady with the same problems I had and she was so encouraging we stayed friends even though we are noew both widows and she has moved a distance away. If no one knows what you are going through noone can help you- I so hope you will do this,

Miz, Try to remember that you and your hubby are tired, and that what you are dealing with IS a lonely and depressing situation. The reaction to all this that you are feeling is really the only true reaction you could have. there is nothing "wrong" with the way you're feeling. But I will say that I have gone manic with planting flowers this spring. I call it my sanity garden!

I'm having a really depressed afternoon today. My hubby is tired and somewhat depressed too. It seems like I feed off of him. When he's up and about and getting stuff done I feel better. When he's not I feel like I'm alone I guess. I would love to go to sleep but I have Mom to take care of. Mom seems down lately too. It's Spring and I haven't even bought any flowers to plant. Maybe I'll try for a short nap...although sometimes I feel worse after that. I know this will pass and things will be better. Right now I feel like there's nothing for me. No one trying to make me feel better. Wow, that sounds selfish. Maybe. I don't know. I take meds and have for years. I go to my doc about every thirty days and I guess it's something I just have to deal with. Thanks for listening everyone. Hugs and love to you!!

miz

Hi Miz. I certainly understand your feelings here. My husband and I care for his dad here at home. Lots of issues to take care of and hard doing them. I am new in here and so glad that its a place where we can share feelings.Many Hugs Marilyn

Sereka, sorry to hear of your situation, sounds like you need help. Have you tryed to contact social services in the State where you live? You might be entitled to some financial assistance. Please don't use alcohol as an escape for all the problems, because that will cause you to have another problem that you don't need right now as well as the added expense of the alcohol. If you have prescription drugs to help you with your depression, just keep taking them. Not taking your meds will cause them to ineffective, or not work the way they should. Get a grip of yourself, realize that people do care, and seek out help for yourself and your mom. Your are reaching out on this website, that's a step in the right direction. Try asking your mom's doctor for assistance or your place of worship. Please don't give up. Remember - seek and you will find. Good Luck

hair,

Do what my SIL and BIL do when they have visitors or someone works on their house. They have a metal dog cage in a room they put the dog in and close the door. or If no one is going outside, they put the dog in the back yard which is fenced in.

BTW, what kind of dog is it? If you really think that dog might bite your mother as well as a stranger, then that dog is not safe to have around period.

Also, that was so mean of your mother to program like she did you as a little girl. I'm glad to hear you are on an anti-depressent, but you are limiting yourself and cruxicying yourself with a limited view of taking care. It does not always mean doing all the carring for your mother yourself. Believe me it's not just people with parents who were born in europe who do that to their children and particularly to their little girls gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrr dang child abuse if you want my honest blunt Irish-German name for it.

It sounds like you have a very clear grasp where this F.O.G. (Fear Obligation and Guilt) came from, how it got there and who put it there. However, you are not your past nor are you a little girl anymore. You do not have to be your past programing which you see very clearly. The impact I've seen on this site and even in my extended family is the power that a mother's F.O.G. can have on a grown woman whose been a college professor; earned a doctorate from Duke; been married for several years; has her own children like my wife from functioning emotionally and mentally as an adult to being that fearful little girl again. Thank God my wife got into therapy so that she's not like that anymore or we probably would not be married anymore because I'd not live in a marraige where I felt like I was married to more than one person. So enough venting on my own which I'm sharing for a purpose.

Here's my action list of suggestions.

1. Get that dog out of the house or in a room away in a cage.

2. Get someone in there who will help. If your mother's doctor orders home health care, medicare normally covers a bit part of that.

3. Enjoy some time just for you.

4. Remind yourself everyday and possibly more than once everyday that you are not your past programing for you are an adult who can chose either to follow past programing or not to follow past programing. You do have the power of choice as an adult.

5. Given that none of these steps are easy, I would strongly suggest at least some short term counseling since you already have so much self-insight already which is awesome.

If they have not responded already, I'm sure Pam and/or along with others whose names escape my brain will or would tell you basically the same thing but in their own style and maybe not so 'take no prisoners' like I do sometimes. Take care of yourself, come here as often as you can for this is a great group of people to support you and cheer you on. I think Pam telling you her personal story of overcoming F.O.G. in her life straight from her would inspire you greatly.