For those who don't know me, my husband and I live with my mom who is 91 and has Alzheimer's and a weak heart. I take medication for depression but it still gets a hold of me. We rarely get out together as my mom can't be alone. My brother and sister live far away...brother gives us breaks maybe once or twice a year. Sister doesn't lift a finger. I've been doing this for almost 5 years and making other arrangements is not an option for me. My husband says I'll feel better in the spring. I don't know... Guilt goes along with the depression. If I don't do anything I feel guilty, but I some days don't feel up to doing a thing.
Think I'll go back to bed until its time for wine LOL
I do feel for you though because your mom is there for you. I understand totally about when she goes shopping and you can be yourself. I can just see you dancing, singing, doing what-ever you so desire and I say ALLRIGHT Ms Nina!
What would happen if you turned on the music while your mother was there, and you held her hand and danced with her, I mean simulated dancing?
Some days I feel like throwing in the towel.
My 90 year old Mother goes out once a week to go shopping-and that is the greatest time for me! Its like all the bad air in the house is gone for awhle and I can play music, walk around wherever I wish, dance, talk to myslef-whatever. This is one thing that doesn't get addressed very often. Emphasis is on the "getting out" part of respite, which is fine, but since most of us are adults, we also mourn the freedom to just "be" in our own homes!
Does anyone agree?
By the way you do look like a social butterfly-girl. Go on with your bad self.
You won't lose your mind, we'll be signing you up for the cruise that we'll be taking on Bobbie's Yacht.
All caregivers experience depression at one point or another. How we cope with it is the tricky part. Some people resort to "happy pills" like Prozac or Celexa to mask it; others accept it as part of a war in which all sides lose something. Some, always so free and easy on the advice, seem to be in total control. The fact is that half the time they're playing the Cleopatra Queen of Denial bit complete with teflon attitude, and pretending they're in control of everything and everyone. Some give in and become trapped; others go screaming into the night after the first week. The list goes on and on.
Miz, it sounds to me like you're grieving for a life you used to have before all these sacrifices of caregiving came along. And barely anyone around to help except those whose love for you you believed unconditional.
Every 24 hours or so take some "me time" and rewind the tape of your existence. Have you been happy, even if it's for 5 minutes a day? Is your soul searching deep enough to identify the causes or triggers of your depression? Of course you'll come across individuals handing out their spiel about people, places, and things. What they won't tell you is that those same people, places, and things are actually you.
All us, in time, will need a source of strength other than our own. Dig a little deeper within yourself, and you'll realize the answers you seek have been there all along.
The only thing that gives me mental respite is to do something creative...it is the only way my mind can wander and get lost in something more productive and satisfying. You can do so many activities at home.
I am curious as to why you cannot make "other arrangements" for your Mom so that you can get a small break. Are you in a town that has limited services? Are you unable to let her be in someone else's care? I really wish for you a break from it all...even if it is a short one. I fear for the health of your psyche.
take care,
Lilli
Have you looked into adult day cares in your area? i dang near jump in joy when I put my mom on the bus.. on those days.. not an ounce of guilt to be heard or seen.
Best Wishes
Kelley