How can I deal with anger and depression associated with Caregiver burnout?

I didnt mean to stumble on this site, but I think I was brought here by angels today. You all have the same life as I do. Isn't it ironic?

My mom is 85, and has AML. I have been her caretaker 99% of the time since her diagnosis, but have been her caretaker for 5 years. We share her house.

She has started to go downhill fast these past few months. She tried chemo, but we stopped it after 3 rounds.

She is almost total care, and is miserable and I guess in denial.

I work full time and because I must be some sort of masochist, I work as an RN in a very busy city hospital and then come home to take care of my mom. I have family in town, but their contribution is to stop by and watch tv for an hour and leave. I have tried everything to beg for some respite, but short of having a total nervous breakdown its not happening. My paying job is very stressful, but it has become my outlet from my mom. I have a caretaker who is truly an angel, but if my mom doesn't die in the next few months, she'll be broke.
So now I am going to have to do the medicaid thing, but hate to tell the facts to my mom that she is going to be out of money soon, doesn't own her house (its reversed mortgaged), and we need to her to get serious about the hospice route -- she is not going to get better.

The worst part is no one in my family loses sleep over this, or misses out on one of their social engagements. Things came to a head this am when I realized it really really hurts not to even be able to go to the midnight showing of the last Twilight movie. Everything else has been taken from me, but to not even let me indulge one more time, when my entire family knows I'm the original Twihard....it has shattered my heart. I had my meltdown in the grocery store, where I picked out a wee turkey breast to cook for myself, knowing no one will probably even think of us on Thanksgiving. So it will be my mom and me on Thanksgiving, someone might stop by for a moment -- but I'll cook something for myself (my mom doesn't eat much anymore) and I'll resent things more and more.

I am so sad, and hate to admit that I resent this situation. I never wanted to be her caregiver. I'm venting and I'm frustrated.

I agree with what everyone else has posted and don't have much to add. I am a single caregiver to my dad who has mid stage Alzheimer's and live with him. I am 51, never married and have not had a date in 6 years. I have a sister who lives close by who helps out but not enough. I feel like my life is just passing me by and eventually I am going to get to a point where my dad will have to be put in a nursing home for my own sanity. No one has a clue how stressful being a caregiver is unless they themselves do it!

Musiclover1, I know just how you feel. I am an only child, and have been caring for Mom in varying degrees for most of my life. There have always been just the 2 of us, no local family, and we are very close. To make a long story short, she has been living with me for 5 years now. Fortunately she qualifies for a caregiver for the hours I work, but as you said the minute you get home from your first job, the second one immediately begins. Yes, it starts the second I walk in and the caregiver leaves, and continues until I leave the next morning. Just like you, this is by choice as there is no nursing home locally I would even consider, and more importantly than that, I want her to be in her (our) own home. My Mom also tries to stay positive and involved in life, but try as I might I cannot get my resentment and short temper under control. Like yours, my Mom never took care of a parent, and I'm sorry but I just don't think raising a child is the same thing. Generally that is something that is done on purpose, and also generally children grow up and become independent. There is a reason I never wanted children, and I do resent that I have sort of ended up with one anyway. The thing is, I love my Mom more than I ever have or will anyone else, and I know that I'm blessed to have her with me this long and have the ability to see that she is well-cared-for. But I am just so tired in every way, and I hate that I am so impatient and resentful and short tempered with her because she certainly doesn't deserve it; I know she never expected this either and wishes she could still take care of herself. Again, like you, I have tried therapy, and people tell me all the time what a good daughter I am, how I'm only human and it's normal to feel frustrated and resentful sometimes, but I can't seem to be as patient and loving as I used to be, and believe me when I say I spend every waking hour going round and round on the guilt trip endless loop. It sounds easy to say, "Well, you know you should be kinder and more patient, so just do it and quit being so hateful. Also quit beating yourself up over everything, you're only human and doing the best you can." But I feel that I definitely AM NOT doing the best I can, and even though I am well aware of it I just can't seem to be better. I struggle with it every waking hour. I feel that I am a bad daughter and I could be better if I wanted to. So I guess that's true, I am a bad daughter for being resentful of how our life has become. I
(half jokingly) say that I will probably go to Hell for not being a cheerful giver.
Obviously I have made a long story even longer (sorry) but I sure do know how you feel, and if you come up with a way to improve my attitude I will be forever indebted. And if not, just thank you for sharing that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hope things improve for all of us. Like Tiny Tim said, "God bless us every one".

Thanks for posting your thoughts & feelings. I feel the same way today! It is what it is! ;-)

I know how you feel although situation a bit different I do understand and feel your frustration. I've been caring for mom in my home along with my husband for 3 years and seriously feels like a lifetime ago. Mom is sweet and pretty cooperative most times. The biggest issue is the sense there is no outlet outside my house and so confining like your a hostage at home. These past months I find myself at the brink of tears all the time. It's impossible to not feel resentment and then of course guilty for feeling that way. However, we are only human. I do deep breathing exercises throughout day so I don't meltdown at every little thing I have to do for mom. Love her to pieces and she certainly didn't sign up for this either. It's the toughest journey I've ever been on and I've raised children and have grandchildren too. I feel for you as this job sucks everything out of you and all of the sudden we are at the bottom of the list. I know in my heart of hearts God has placed me here and this is the best place for her quality of life so we just keep going and do our best. Although many days the attitude could use some adjusting. Hang in there and at least there really are many of us in same shoes.

I would encourage you to get some respite care and also find a support group!
Caring for someone 24/7 is hard... Many "health care agencies" offer respite care and that will give you the opportunity to do something for yourself. Call your local Area Agency on Aging there should be someone who could help you. I facilitate a support group for caregivers and feel it is VERY helpful to everyone. We share information we listen we encourage and we often hug one another! Caregiving is not easy I have done it personally and professionally. Please take care of YOU too...

I could write a book:( I am 58, married, 3 grown children, 2 grandchildren. My mom passed away 2005. I had hospice & what a godsend that was. Well, this is where my life is not so Golden 8 years later. My dad I thought, would soon want to be with my mom. Not the case. He is 87 now, lives by himself & my husband & I live 5 streets away.....Dad has always been independent & want's things his way or the highway. Very stubborn to say the least. His health is not good, but I just can't understand from doctor appointments, how he is still here. He has not been in a hospital since my mom has passed, but if something were wrong, he would not say because of the fear of having to go to the hospital. He now totally depends on me, my husband, & 2 of my children for all his needs. (My only 64 yr old brother decided to move up north 6 months ago) no help & we don't talk anymore, but I don't have that guilt anymore of having it this way. He is a very negative person & pulled my pleasant personality right out of me, so, it's time to move on from that sector of my life. My dad doesn't seem to understand how hard it is to make sure he is ok & have our life. It's like he just expects things that work for him. He said hospice & myself, killed my mom so he want's no part of them. Will not let any one come in & help with his care, just us. I always promised I would not put him in a home & to know him, you would not dare mention taking him out of his to be put anywhere! He has in the past 4 months, went down hill fast. Stopped eating his frozen entrees, sleeps all the time, has fallen several times, but he won't tell you, you have to see a cut on his face or scab on his knee's to know, then he acts like, oh well. Nerves are running out for me & my family. He is 5'10", maybe weighs 100 pounds. He is a walking skeleton. Balance is getting bad. He is sharp when it comes to certain things, like money & bills & the past. Then other times, he doesn't make much sense, but we are use to that because it has been sooooo many years of it. His teeth have been rotted for years, has not taken a bath for over a year, has messed himself 3 times in the past couple of months. That's not a fun chore and he just takes off messy stuff and waits till we get there to clean it, carpet, socks, and all. He will call me when it comes to getting his check cashed, but not when he messes himself. He has never been an affectionate person, just a provider and worries about how fast he can get a bill paid. Now he stopped getting mail, sleeping all the time, hard of hearing. He looks like he should not be here, very weak, but yet, every day me/my family check on him, we think the last day should of been month's ago, but he still manages to get up, drink a little coffee or 1 ensure, little cake or donut in the evening, watch the tigers games, back to bed. He takes Nyquil on a daily bases because it has become routine for him & smokes his cigar's. I am not talking about lately, my mom use to hide the Nyquil from him, so it's been ongoing for years, but he sleeps all the time anyway. Our fears of him falling & where we will find him when the time does come, is ripping us apart, & there is nothing you can do but walk into the unknown every single day. My health has went down & yes I did burn out several years after my mother died, making sure my dad always had what my mom always took care of for him. Once again, I find myself, on a cliff ,watching, waiting, and praying, for my life to hopefully resume soon as I don't know how much longer that I / we can function with a person that should of by every medical standard, should not of been here years ago, and yet, he's still here without a care in the world. We take care of everything! No vacation's here, just living every day with the unknown:( God Bless You all for what we feel is an obligation to give back what they have given to us, never knowing the outcome, or when we will be able to get our life back again before its too late. I'm scared. Well, in a little while, I will be headed 5 streets over to see what's behind that door today, hope it's not his blanket on the floor again, which I thought was him:(

I hear ya! Spent 9.5 hours today on her back taxes, while sisters have their normal lives and a she is nicer to her caregivers than to me when I show up. I feel like her slave and she did NOT do anything like this when she was my age. However, I did get her into memory care and am not going to beat myself up about it. Now I need to let her caregivers be with her and take some time to do something luxurious for myself ... like fold my laundry. Ya'll know what I mean :-)

I have never been a caregiver in my own family but I can relate having witnessed all the sacrifices that caregivers have to make. I do know what it feels like to stand outside a door and wonder and fear what lies on the other side. I could say" fear not the Lord is with you", but some times he is busy somewhere else. There is nothing worse than fear itself. Once you can manage that you are at least halfway there. Think ahead about what is the worse thing that can happen. What if you find a loved one dead in their bed. Would not that be a blessing for them. Yes they died alone but maybe that is what they wanted. Perhaps you fear opening the door and finding a broken hip on the other side. You think immediately that had you been there he/she would not have fallen. Remind yourself that the fall may not have caused the fracture. there is some thought these days that the fracture comes first and how would you have prevented that. It is the choice however seemingly misguided for your loved one to cling fighting to their independence and their own home.
Caregiver burnout is very real so try not to feel guilty. Be as angry as you like but let it out of your system. go outside, cry, take a pickaxe to the ground, literally pound some rocks. Tell the weeds how much you hate them and pull them up by their miserable little roots. saw some wood stack some logs and tell it how ugly it is and you can't imagine how it manages to keep you warm on those cold nights. Once the tears have dried. Go back and hug your loved one and remind yourself that you are making it possible for them to have a peaceful end to their life. Do not fear death, it is as natural as being born. Be thankful you have been part of the life that has just gone on it's next journey. Most of the posters on this thread are burned out caring for people they truly love and will go on to the end with love. If you do not love the person you are caring for they will not be happy either so it is best to make other arrangements for them. I do not believe there is any law that says you have to take on caregiving and give up your life and devote it to someone who has and continues to abuse you. People do not change they just become more like themselves. There is a certain amount of duty we feel towards our elders and a beloved spouse. But an unhappy marriage does not have to continue. You may have vowed to love and honor till death you do part but that does not include risking you health and sanity, it is a two way street. I have seen several occasions where a divorced spouse had come back to care for the dying but they have been able to do it out of compassion. There is no shame in being honest. There is shame in telling deliberate lies and making promises you know you can't keep so don't make them. I am not talking about dementia here but people who need care but still have their wits about them. If they don't recognize the false hope they will find out and the all important trust is lost. Be true to yourself

Musiclover1 I hear you loud and clear. I sure understand where you are at. Carol had some very useful comments, it is for sure that it is making you ill and you are suffering. Everyone else has heart felt sentiments and you can see all of us are enduring some awful situations. I do believe and it is only my belief that you need to have mom placed in residential care. You can not do it by yourself. I understand when you say that work gives you respite, but this is not an ideal answer for this. I know you will feel guilt, I do struggle with it in the early morning hours in bed, but I do know that my mother's care was literally killing me, it got to the point where I did not even recognize myself. I had a spark within left that urged me to get her to residential care. My cousin in Australia told me that her dad who is 87 a golfer to this day said, our parents did what was right for them and they made their decisions, it is our right now to live our life like they did. My own mother left my grandfather in England to move to USA, he died from a broken heart at 64. She did what she wanted to do and did not take on his care for her own reasons. You can not give up your life to continue hers, it is painful, but a parent raises a child to grow and be independent. You have done all you can, it is making you very ill and believe me you will only get worse, you won't be in any shape to take care of yourself let alone her. Give some great thought to getting her into a 24/7 care facility, that has a "staff", they work in shifts, you don't, they are fresh to respond to her, you aren't. You are suffering, hear your body and take your life back.

My Mother is soon to be 91 years old. I have been her main caregiver for the past 5 years. She acts like we live in the 1800's . Everything we try to do is the hard way!she wont let me have comfortable air conditioning. she is cold often when it's 95 degrees outside.She will only take sponge baths, gives me a hard time on just about every daily routine things. it is so exhausting! how can I get her to be more cooperative? One of us is gonna have a heat stroke! By the way she is also a hoarder. I have to constantly sneak things out that she is hoarding and throw things away. I am extremely burnt out. I have three sisters and one brother. Only one sister lives in town. She has managed to cut ties with her all together. I am the youngest and I am all she has.I just need tips on how to get her to cooperate to make both our lives easier!

I have been going through this for years, first with my father, now with my mother. Older people do get cold. Their circulation is not so good and they don't move much. However, it is torture to live in a house that is too hot. I told them that if we did not keep the house reasonably cool that I wouldn't be able to stay. I didn't want to make myself sick trying to keep them comfortable. So we compromise. In summer I set the thermostat on 79 F during the day and 80 F at night. My mother will still bump the thermostat up when she goes by. I just bump it back down.

I was not kidding that I would have to leave if we didn't reach a compromise. I do not feel I owe my health. My mother (father died 2 years ago) would have to make it without me if she wanted the house warmer. 79-80F is quite reasonable.

Something I don't understand is why elder people are so resistant to wearing warmer clothes if they are cold. I guess it is easier to just hit the thermostat.

Hello,
I'm not exactly sure why this message showed up in my email this evening.

I used to be on this site every evening when my Mom was living. She passed away almost two years ago to the day....today. Actually, I think I do know why I got this message. My Mom was a wonderful, loving, kind and happy person. She was a blessing to me and all that knew her. I didn't know it then, but I now understand why she was the way she was. She knew Jesus Christ 'personally'. He had her life completely covered and she knew it. She could live her life fully and know that she would be taken care of. I wish I had known what I know now when she was alive. I too, was sometimes impatient and frustrated with caregiving and my Mom was a 'saint', literally! If I would have gotten this message two years ago, I would have most likely read it and dismissed it because it didn't have anything to do with me. I would have been wrong. It has everything to do with me and with you. Our Lord, Jesus Christ will not solve all of our problems, but with Him on our side, we can do ANYTHING. He is our strength, our redeemer, our wonderful counselor, our salvation and our freedom. He can and will SAVE you! Now, you may be thinking that I am a religious nut.......I am not. I am a normal human being with a loving, kind family. I now know that Jesus Christ was with me every step of the way with caregiving for my Mom, I just didn't realize it at the time. I do now and I will be forever grateful and thankful for what he has given to me......even in the not so good times. He can save you too, I promise. Let him. I will pray for you. Please, pray too, it will help. :)

Hi JessieBelle,
I'm just guessing, but I think that the many layers of clothing it can take to keep some elderly people warm are uncomfortable to wear.

I know that the temperature issue is a big one. The heat can be stifling to younger people. So, as you say, compromise is best, but that can be difficult to make happen. This is just one of many issues that can make living together hard.

Take care,
Carol

I think Carol is right Jessie Belle. i know most people can not tolerate wool next to the skin but there is a reason why so many old men left to their own devices wear long johns. there is a slit in the front to pee through and a trap door in the back for you know what. i would select a natural fabric like cotton or silk and over that heavy wool socks, pure wool like a mixture of mohair or similar and sheep skin slippers. On the top a Long sleeve T with a lined wool blend falnell shirt or if he will wear it a loose wool sweater or cardigan. Have a light weight lap robe available to put over his knees and make sure his chair is not in a draft. he can easily move the lap robe if he needs to shuffle to the bathroom.
As far as a woman is concerned. Do not discard the bra i know from personal experience that the "Girls get very chilly if you do that but select something like a sportsd bra again in a natural fabric. Over that put a short sleeved cotton or silk T. make everything extra long so the breezes don't get to the midriff. On the bottom nice soft heavy weight sweat pants with an elastic waist. Same socks as for dad on the feet good quality wool socks the type that cost $30 a pair and same sheepskin slippers. Well fitting with a goos non slip sole. For Mom a nice light weight down lap robe will keep her cozy and easily removed. The key in my view is natural fabrics but high quality and light weight. Same with the bedclothes. Flannel sheets again nice and soft and a good down duvet. i know there are good modern fabrics but I personally am old enough to prefer natural but they must be loose fitting. I worked outside in many NYS winters and that was what worked for me. apart from that some skitish horses would not come near me if I was wearing a polyester sweater however soft it felt they needed to be able to smell the wool.
Over the top a good down coat and ski pants but the elder probably wont like the pants so a longer coat will do. Hat gloves and scarf essential.

I would encourage you to first of all get some respite care for your own peace of mind. This can come in various ways but the idea of respite is for you to have some time to yourself... Many home care agencies will do respite and also some communities have respite centers... YOU have to take care of you too.....

So true Musiclover! Glad you can vent and not feel that everyone is going to give you advice, feel sorry for you or feel sorry for your mom! I tell my husband to just listen when I'm having a meltdown -- no advice. But I don't do it very often to him because then he gets mad at my mom and I don't want that either. So I go on here and vent and I KNOW everyone understands me -- what a relief! My mom is almost 97, pretty healthy but wheelchair bound, mild memory loss and not too much trouble, but I don't have much of a life either. Social invites are few and far between because not many homes are equipped with ramps etc. I could ask people over here and sometimes do, but I don't want my mother listening to every word of our conversation either and I need to keep addressing her needs and sometimes I just don't feel like idle chit chat -- too much energy I guess. I so agree with misscath -- "no one has a clue how stressful being a caregiver is unless they themselves do it" Hang in there musiclover, it probably isn't going to get better and may get worse, but you can always tell us those negative feelings and we will all understand and encourage you!

Thanks Joyfuljo for taking the time to respond. One day at a time I guess.

By the way I lost my relationship as well due to aging parent obligation. I am now alone and my mother remains selfish. I am depressed and all she cares about is herself. Not sure how much longer I can deal with her. I feel like she has ruined my life now. My partner moved out of state. I have only my career and my mother. She doesn't care that if I got sick I would have no one. Well I am sick now....sick of her. I used to adore her. Now I detest her.

We live in South FL where A/C is not an option...plus there is menopause :) Our solution to the cold issue is to turn off the vent in his room. It is like an oven in there. Will not use the fan and has cardboard on the windows to keep the light out as well. Alas that is not really what this tread is about. I don't really know how to cope with these angry feelings or the notion that MY life is passing me by. Was hoping someone else had the magic key!

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think a lot of "unmarried" or "divorced" woman are looked to as their aging parents automatic caretaker. The rest of my family (2 brothers) have long-term spouses, children, grand-children and visit very rarely. My mom and I have had a testy relationship our whole life due to her being a very critical, hard to please, complaining person. After the death of my father at 23 she had to move in with me because he died without insurance and she had nowhere to go. I was renting a small, one bedroom apt., getting one with my young life and my career. I literally gave up my bedroom for her thinking it was short term but it wasn't. She was there for 4 years - basically driving me crazy being so critical that I basically became an alcoholic trying to deal with everything. Fast forward 13 years and after some failed relationships, decided to by my own home. She practically begged me because she was so unhappy living with her brother - rent free I might add. So I want against my better judgment and let her move in. That was for 13 years. She wasn't there all the time as she would go visit family and I would get a break. Now she is finally in her own apt. but complains about it constantly. She is almost 89 and people are always telling me how lucky I am she is independent but that is fading quickly. Soon she will need assistance but everytime I think of moving her in I start to literally hyperventilate, lose my appetite, become morose, withdrawn. She's very nosey, controlling and even though I'm 55 now still acts like I should go anywhere or do anything but work and stay home! Which I pretty much do anyway. I hate the way she snaps and talks to me - you cannot discuss anything with her she is so freaking defensive. I get almost no help from my 2 brothers - one visits once a year for one night and then poof - gone. I'm sick and tired of not being able to live my life and have privacy and just normalcy. I'm pretty much looking into help from the State for caregivers as the last thing I heard she was probably going to sell her car. Yes she still drives but I work full time and refuse to wear myself out for my mother. I'm tired of the feelings of guilt and trying to please her. Even a loyal dog that gets kicked enough - will leave! Just needed to vent myself. I'm glad I found a site where a person can do that! I think if she was sweet, kind it would be different. But she still feels like she should be the center of attention as she was once a real looker and I can tell she gets downright jealous if anyone compliments me - a snide remark will follow. I'm not sure how this is going to play out but I'm not going to go the crazy house trying to be her sole caretaker. :(

Ha, I just noticed that I was the last poster in this thread back in July 2014. I read your post and found myself shaking my head in agreement and itching to get to the end so I could tell you NOT TO DO IT! Just Don't! I am now at year 6 with this ungrateful person and it gets worse every year. I have lost YEARs of my retirement and time with my newlywed husband. No privacy no days off and ungrateful as h*ll. Yesterday was the 89th birthday and he started a scene which continued into today. Assisted living facilities are a godsend. Just sayin! I hope I don't meet you on here in summer of '16 still dealing with the same mess. I am not sure I can deal that long!

Hi 1Tired -- I just got through reading your post in 2014 and read to the one you just posted a few hours ago and all the ones inbetween. I can so relate! My mom is 98 and has lived with my husband and I for 3 years now. First we went through the "honeymoon period", then the real life period" and now I'm in the "just get through to the next day" period. She is not an ungrateful or selfish person and is really pretty easy to take care of with few demands. She is wheelchair bound and so depends on me for everything which pretty much limits a social life - or life period. I so long to be gone for more than 1 1/2 hours at a time without hurrying home. But I know others would probably be thrilled with any amount of time away from their responsibilities so I try and not complain too much. You are doing a commendable job and try not to look too far ahead or it becomes unbearable. I practice looking forward to bedtime -- same time every night no matter what -- and she knows that. That gives me at least 1 - 2 hours of tv watching or reading a book without getting interrupted-- what bliss! I still feel angry and depressed at times but it is what it is and I have to continue to the end because that is what I promised my dad I'd do as he was dying. I could nullify that promise in my head but the guilt would probably get the best of me. Be careful of the promises you make!

Thank you Joyfuljo. Bottom line is I WANT A LIFE with my husband. We deserve it, it took way to long to find each other. I have this framed saying on the wall here it says "Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live." And I am failing at that miserably. Not only does everything revolve around FIL, but he is miserable and ungrateful to boot. He is taking OUR life and flushing it. How can I not be angry and resentful? And then there are the people who tell me how wonderful it is that I am doing this, Are you kidding me?????? I had one such person call today from his insurance company and tell me that. I wanted to strangle her. I made no such promises to do this EVER and in fact have not been available as much as I would like to my sister who is overseeing the care of my father who now also has dementia. Mom died last year of it as well. We were flying up and down the seaboard like lunatics for a while trying to juggle care. It is all just so unfair...if there was just a bit of gratitude it would go a lot easier. And for the record, he was not even a good father to DH so his brother is also distancing himself. Another selfish lout.

I completely understand what everyone has said & expressed in their replies. Unfortunately, Alzheimer's disease has impacted my family directly now THREE TIMES! First, was my maternal grandmother, then my mother, and now my father! Even when you do have someone helping you, it is still extremely difficult. My husband & I are caregivers for my 87 year of father who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2010. He was already living with us for several years when he was diagnosed & is still living with us now....so we've been his caregiver's for almost 6 years. Our college age son lives with us as well, and helps us out tremendously when he can; however, it is still very difficult, and we're all at the point where the burnout is VERY noticeable in all three of us. We've got my father registered with the local Veteran's system, and he IS on the waiting list for the Alzheimer's unit at the Veteran's home, but that waiting list still has 40+ people ahead of him! It could easily be two more years or more before they can take him at the home. We have him in an adult daycare center during the daytime while we're working & our son is going to school, but the evenings & nights are getting harder to harder to handle. Especially with Dad getting up all confused several times during the night. It makes it so hard to even get rest before we have to go to work the next day. I've been struggling with feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness & depression. I sought out a counselor, but that really hasn't helped. I told my husband, that even though I love my father very much & we've always been close, I fee guilty for even thinking or saying this, but I'm just ready for us not to have to be his caregivers anymore. I have two brothers that live in the same city, and they help out from time-to-time, but it's just not the same with you are caregiving for that person in your home for almost 6 years. I do have a strong faith & have tried very hard to pray about this, but I'm reaching the point to where even my prayers don't help anymore. I hate watching one more person I love very much mind slip away. Just feeling so sad.

musiclover - I totally understand what you are going through. I too have basically provided a place for my mom to live ever since my father passed away over 30 years ago. He died broke with no insurance and she had no where to go. So she moved in with me for 4 years and I gave up my room to sleep on a couch. We did not get along as she started to treat me like I was 16 years old! I was a 23 year old grown woman who was also going through a divorce. I left home at 18, got a job, apt. and started to live my life. She eventually moved back to her hometown 90 miles away but would come back and forth every other weekend. I decided to buy myself a home as the boyfriend I had dated for 3 years still did not want to get married. Well she jumped on that bandwagon and I decided to let her move in with me. She claimed she was miserable living with her brother in the small town she grew up in. Well that was a major mistake as I soon realized she is NEVER happy or satisfied for long. She became critical of me even though I was working my bootie off full time, part-time and overtime trying to provide for us.

Finally after 13 years I retired after 31 years. I gave her quite a bit of money and she claimed she wanted her own apt. BUT her brother fell ill and she moved back home to take care of him. Well that was a stressful situation and eventually he had to be moved to a nursing home and she to her own apt. close to where I live. He passed away after 2 years and she stayed in her apt. - complaining all the while about the rent - for 4 years. I decided to stay in this area (because of her) and went back to work.

Recently her best friend lost her husband of 69 years and wanted my mom to come stay with her. I thought finally I will have some free weekends - as I am the sole errand girl - gopher girl - whatever you want to call it. My brother lives right down the street but hardly does anything except stop by once in awhile. I always take off from work to take my mother to her doctor visits. Thank goodness she is actually in great shape for 89. I'm very thankful for that as is she but still - that could change on a dime. There was one time I couldn't take off from work - I couldn't keep using all my leave for her and she asks my brother who works from home btw if he could take her. His reply--why couldn't I do it. My point is I feel like the caregiver is always basically ALONE! Usually one family member gets this burden placed on them. Recently we had a small family get together in which my other brother and sister-in-law FINALLY admitted that they had not been stepping up to the plate and it should not all be on my shoulders. They do live 3 hours away. I told them I'm doing the best I can trying to take care of a home alone, work full-time, run over to her apt. to see if she needs to go anywhere. She can still drive but I think that is winding down.

Well NOW the friend she was supposed to move in with - fell and broke her hip. So plan B - move her BACK into my home. There is no place for her to go and any senior apt. has a waiting list. So this could be a long drawn out situation. I have been handling everything pretty well and just decided to accept it. I do feel angry when I see my family always going on fabulous vacations and living their life. Hell when will I be able to live mine??? I'm currently 55, totally single and now I'm back to what fills like square one. My mom is very independent and I know I'm lucky she isn't invalid, or has dementia. But I can totally relate to the anger and then guilt follows. I have no children either so when I get old I'll have to pay for my care.

I just felt very angry this morning - as I basically moved all her belongings myself with no help from my worthless brother. He didn't even call to see if he could assist. The selfishness of some people amaze me! I feel totally alone at times. But I do have my good friends who offered to help - use their trucks - and that was a blessing. At least I have good friends. THEY are my family. I'm not sure why God has not provided me with a good man or why the universe is intent on clashing us back together but I can honestly say I've done everything in my power to provide her a home and do whatever she needs done. I just would like a break from all of this as we have lived together a total of 17 years! So tired of it. Thanks for reading - I know this is long!

But all the family members who claimed they would help out never called, emailed, etc. No one wants to help someone move and no one wants to be a caretaker. That I now understand. I don't know what is down the road for me but since my mom is in excellent health I could be doing this for awhile. NOT that I want anything bad to happen to her - but I think everyone hear can relate. Just like everyone else - at least this is a place to vent and support one another.

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Texasgal,

I gather from your comments that your mother is living with you and has left the independent living place your profile says she's in?

Does you mother have any money to pay for her own care?

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