Dealing with an angry mother?

My mom is caustic with everyone, even her favorite child.
We're all so tired of her many random cruelties, her hypocrisy, her endless judgments, we each visit in the minimum, bearable dose.
She's 90, has been complaining for years about still being alive, but you can bet she sees every doctor and takes every pill. She just had a new bridge made!

Whenever my mother started carrying on in a negative fashion in her AL, I'd leave her presence and tell her I'd come back when she was in a better mood. I did the same on the phone. And when she was in Memory Care Assisted Living with dementia, I'd do the same thing. I'm not a scratching post and neither are you. Especially that your mother is just entitled and not even suffering from dementia, but fortunate enough to have the funds, as mine did, to live in a beautiful apartment with staff to help her. Treating you like a 2nd class citizen while you treat her with compassion.....for what? The luxury of living so long??? It's not right. Set down some boundaries and stick to them. That's my suggestion. You never even have to raise your voice. Just show her you respect yourself and won't stand for being mistreated.

Best of luck.

I think when a person reaches their nineties, they are just tired of living. I had a client that was mid nineties and she was still going strong. I put up with her mean behavior every single day and did my job until it started affecting my blood pressure. I remember one day she was yelling at God saying why won't you take me. I just sat there stunned, but it made sense. Her twilight years were dragging on, she was tired, and she was angry. Only thing she had to look forward to was pain and loss of health. So, her way of dealing with this was raising hell, and taking it out on her care aides treating them like trash. No one stayed because no one was willing to put up with that behavior for the long term. The agency told me that I was the longest aide they had on the case.

This caused me to reflect back to the late Elisabeth Kubler Ross on Death and Dying and the five stages of grief when patients are dealing with terminal illnesses. These include: denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and finally acceptance. They don't necessarily have to be in that order since grief is not a linear process.

People get angry because their body and brains are failing them. They will take this out on those nearest and dearest to them. However, for adult children who went through verbal and physical abuse with a parent, or who was a least favorite child, there is a different dynamic at play here. Most adult children don't become caregivers to parents who abused them. Some parents were entitled and spoiled and this behavior will continue even in old age. It is up the the caregiver to set some boundaries with this person. These people are no longer in charge. If they were in their full mental and physical health, there wouldn't be a need for caregivers, assisted living facilities, SNFs, and long term care facilities. They are there because they can no longer care for themselves and they are angry as hell because of it. They are old. And like someone said here awhile back, you can't fix old.

This makes me think back to the movie; Misery. There was one line in there that stuck with me. "Sometimes being a B****h is all a woman has to fall back on."

So when I have clients that start with the abuse, I finish my shift and don't go back. I've devised ways to get around this and get the cooperation I need while I'm there. I've learned to detach from it, but I'm also aware of my own limitations with these types. As long as they are not striking out physically, I can go on with the day. However, our lives were not designed to deal with that daily negativity and badgering on an ongoing basis. When I confront clients like these, I realize that these people should have been in some sort of facility or some medications to calm the agitation so they can be receptive to care.

I've dealt with the nastiness of my mother's alcoholism and her unpredictable behavior. I've had tons of patients with all types of personality and mental disorders along with other physical ailments.

This always puts me back on location that we are dealing with people with chronic illnesses and the illness is stripping away at their souls and mental states.

When mom starts up, just say; I love you, mom, but I'm going to leave now. This is just too painful to watch especially if a parent wasn't like that before they got dementia or any other chronic illness.

Spend time with sweet mom. Leave each and every time angry, verbally abusive mom comes out, no explanation needed. Remind yourself she’s safe and her needs are being met. Ignore all gossipy chatter, blaming, and shaming as if you never heard of it at all. Guard your heart and health always, you’re doing well

Disease or not, you don't need to take abuse. She is in a safe environment so when she gets nasty, calmly get up and end the visit....every time.

Is there any level of dementia here? If so we can use the old "it's the disease speaking" adage.
If no dementia, then was mom ALWAYS THIS WAY?

When we grow up we choose how much time to spend with our parents. It isn't an obligation. In fact our parents are obligated to US until age of majority. It doesn't swing the other way round just because they are old.
And simply BEING old doesn't confer privileges of rudeness and cruelty. Those actions we choose have consequences.
Rude people should be avoided.

So I would say, you should see your mother when you wish to and by choice. And when her behavior goes South you quickly head in any other direction you choose. You leave. It's a kind of pavlovian conditioning.

Some day something outrageous she says is going to make you get the giggles.
That will be the day you know you're healed.
Some day you are going to repeat something she said to someone and they are going to double over in laughter and then so will you. That will be the day you will know you have forgiven her for her limitations as a mom and as a person, and have accepted that she is who she is and when you popped off the assembly line it was via her. No going back to get another.

I myself hope that there isn't too much childhood trauma you endured. To be honest, adults need to be grownup enough to move out of the way of such folks when they are up to no good. But children cannot or could not.
And if she is making you relive what was ALSO a tough time as a child I hope you will move 1,000 miles from her, send lovely notes, cards and candies, and stop seeing her. Or, hey, PRETEND you moved that far.

I personally do not bother to stand up to myself since my Mom has early dementia and I know what comes out of her mouth is often untrue. I change the subject, redirect the conversation or walk out of the room, consistently. Dementia robs people of their reason and logic, and also their ability to empathize with people, or regulate their filters. You will just wind up correcting her over and over for the same things. Don't spend your emotional energy on this. It will drain you.