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Anonymous, if parent is in the US, s/he is going into care "Medicaid pending". There is no "shortfall".

Ask to see the financial paperwork that shows the "shortfall". Ask for financial advice on www.bogkeheads.org and see if it is legitimate m
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Anonymous, are you in the US?

Who is telling you there is a shortfall?
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In the US, this shortfall is called "Medicaid Pending" and goes away once Medicaid is approved. The family is not liable for that "shortfall" - If you are in the US, your folks don't have any worries there.
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I haven't been in your situation and haven't read all the comments (too many came in since originally reading your predicament!)

Unclear where you live, but in general if the person and/or spouse have assets, they will have to give up a portion of it. In the US, Medicaid will require a look back of 5 years. They will not impoverish the spouse who remains in the home, but they WILL require any regular income the person needing care gets to be paid to the facility AND will require a given percentage of remaining assets be used (liquid or not.) The person remaining in the home gets to keep the home, a car and a percentage of the other assets. The rest cannot be "hoarded".

While there are still a number of US states with filial laws (these are the ones that try to get children to foot the bill, if Medicaid is denied), they are not often used and will not result in impoverishment for the children. There have been a few cases which required the children/relative to pay, but not many, yet. There might also be some exclusions for children like you who have not had good care/relationships. I would not worry about them requiring you to pay - spouse is responsibility of spouse!

I would let the process play out without getting involved. Visits are up to you - if you feel comfortable visiting, go for it. If you don't, then stay away and don't harbor guilt. I also noted you are feeling some responsibility because one sibling is providing some help and may pay, but again, this is THEIR choice. If you can't or don't want to contribute, it isn't your job. Especially true if there are assets - THOSE should be used first and if the children understand this and refuse to pay, the spouse will have 2 choices: pay up or keep the spouse at home. I would have a good discussion with this sibling, if biological and receptive, and explain that the parents' assets and hopefully government aid should be paying, NOT the children!

There is no way for children to bear all the responsibility, even in cases where the parents have no assets. Our mother's MC is now about 90k/year. When working, that would have taken all of my pay and then some, leaving nothing for me to live on! Now that I am retired, I couldn't even begin to pay for it! Split between the 3 children would still be more than I could do, whether I wanted to or not. Thankfully mom and dad were good at saving - when I took over her finances, we set up a trust and put all excess assets into it, including the net from selling her condo. Between the pension and SS, about 1/2 of the costs (all, not just MC) are covered, and funds from the trust are deposited monthly to cover the rest. Would we all like to inherit or use some of it? Sure. But, these are mom's assets and they are used for her care. If she keeps going and eventually needs NH, it might deplete it all, but for now all is good. The only "cost" I have is managing everything for her.

The assets your parent and step parent have are joint assets and your parent's share should be used. The "shortfall" you mentioned might be during the application process. For Medicaid, payment would be required IF they determine there are assets that should be allocated to the needy spouse and they won't pay until all of what they determine is paid. If the application is declined, all would have to be paid, BUT that is the SPOUSE'S responsibility, not yours, not your siblings. Do NOT take this crap about it being your responsibility from ANY family members. Step-family is probably in the same boat with step parent - keep it all so WE get it! Not your problem, not your parent's childrens' problem. IGNORE these family members. Even in the best of relationships we can't all be held responsible. In your case, spending a little on a small gift/treat, if you choose to continue visiting, would be the most I would suggest!

NO guilt!!! NO GUILT!!! REPEAT! (this applies to visits and paying or not)
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I agree with disgustedtoo. Take care of yourself first and NO GUILT!
If you have some time you could (not should) do a little research into financial and caregiver resources for them. My mother just received a Medicaid waiver which enables her to keep some assets and still receive benefits. We hired an elder law attorney to assist with the process.
Be kind to yourself and good luck.
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Don't start paying at all. That nursing home and Medicare can work this out. If there is an amount to finish spending down to for Medicare, then let the spouse of the patient come up with that. But I don't think that's what is going on here. There is miscommunication or something going on. Don't you start paying out of your pocket. A lot of us on here have handled a parent going into the nursing home and dealt with Medicaid. I did and spoke with an elder law attorney and the admissions office at nursing home and the Medicaid office (toll free number) AND went to Medicaid in person. Do not start paying. Something is amiss here. At the same time, you don't want to rope yourself into handling all of this stuff because it is a bear and I dealt with Medicaid for 4 years including the estate recovery after Mom died. The spouse & patient's bank amount will be checked by Medicaid anyway. They audited my Mom's accounts checking for "gifting" to anybody so don't get tangled up in that mess. It is aggravating and complicated. I hate to say this, but if you work a full time job, you need to sit back and let the spouse work this out if possible. If they aren't able, make one trip to admissions at the nursing facility and see what they need and tell the spouse and be done. I feel for you!
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elaineSC Jan 2020
I said Medicare in first two sentences. I meant Medicaid.
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Spoke to another sibling who also seems to be willing to pay for some of parents care and thinks we should all chip in. It seems the basis of this other siblings willingness to pay is due to them having an interest in maintaining a relationship with step parent. Whereas I have no interest to maintain that toxic relationship. I can see that I am going to face continual pressure with this.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
So you get pressured. Nope, I am not willing to do that! Stop bullying me sibling. You can choose what you do but, that does not obligate me to follow suit.

You know what you are doing, don't let anyone bully you into doing things that you are not willing to do.

Your dad made his choice, now he gets to live with the consequences of his choices.
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I don’t think you owe them anything. I certainly would not pay for any care. They can apply for assistance as I am for my father who is in a nursing home. I never really had a relationship with him..I will help out in terms of helping to apply for State assistance but that’s about it.
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marymary2 Jan 2020
OMG (as the kiddies say), I finally just got it with your comment: my mother can apply for assistance. Just as she let me live on the streets and didn't care if I was dying all my life, I can let her do for herself as she did to me. (badly phrased, but I hope you get that I'm thanking you for opening my eyes. It seems obvious, but to me it was an eye opener. Thanks!)
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Their circus their monkey.. walk away and dont buy any tickets [guilt]
Obviously no one came to your aid as a child, so you do not need to be the crutch for these circumstances.
I played no part in my father's demise, and yes I do with my mother, but only have a few ounces of emotion to go with it.
It sounds to me that you should maintain that 3 times a year meeting as you have as a painful reminder, and thats it
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KatD81 Mar 2020
Agreed!

So people are calling for op to "step in."
Ive been told to do all kinds of unreasonable things by unreasonable people over the years. Sometimes it's really hard, but I usually say, "Sorry, can't/won't. Take your pick."
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Just remember they are not the same person that they use to be now there are like baby's have to forget all the past and be for them be a great person don't judge people for mistakes. This is not for what happen to us is what we can do for them.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2020
Arturo, your words are spoken like a true abuser.

No excuse for abuse, EVER!

Keep your abusive opinions to yourself.
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Arturo, I agree with you that this has to be about what you do now, not about what they did then.

But what you do should be limited to what you are able to do without wrecking your life or exposing yourself to further emotional damage or risking that you might be driven to retaliate.

Don't judge people for their mistakes: true, I agree. But do learn from experience. If an animal bites, you don't try to tickle its tummy. If a recipe doesn't work, don't keep cooking that dish. And if your relationship with your parent is strained and painful, don't make yourself that parent's primary caregiver - both because you're unlikely to be the best choice of caregiver, and because you are very likely to encounter all of those hurts all over again.
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"I am annoyed by advice from most people who have had a supportive family not have a dysfunctional and abusive childhood and family life like I had so they cant work it out."

FWIW there are MANY family members from functional families who refuse to help and sometimes go so far as to be counter-productive, not helping AND telling the one who is helping what they are doing wrong! There is no real "right" or "wrong", just personal choices. There are no real laws that can make you help out, either just being supportive or financially. You choose to do what YOU feel is right for YOU. As for anyone, whether someone on this forum or your friends/family, who try to guilt trip you, they are being obnoxious and should be ignored. This isn't about them, it is about you and what is right for you.

"In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it."

THIS is what you are "comfortable" with and THIS is what you should do.

"Spoke to another sibling who also seems to be willing to pay for some of parents care and thinks we should all chip in. It seems the basis of this other siblings willingness to pay is due to them having an interest in maintaining a relationship with step parent. Whereas I have no interest to maintain that toxic relationship. I can see that I am going to face continual pressure with this."

As muffincat said "Their circus their monkey.. walk away and dont buy any tickets [guilt]" If they continue to harass you, cut off contact. It is still (for now) a free country, so they can do and think whatever their hearts desire, They are willing to pay, fine, pay. They want to provide hands-on care, fine, care away. You could continue to visit with the parent if you choose to, but let them be willing to do what THEY feel is right and if they choose to pay and be more hands on, then that is THEIR choice. They cannot choose for you. They have no legal way to coerce you into helping and/or paying, so tune them out. If they try this in person, excuse yourself and leave. If it is on the phone, excuse yourself, say the conversation is over and hang up. It is still a free country for you as well, so you don't have to take what they are dishing out!

Make a plan for yourself, what you are willing to do (such as visit from time to time, but not provide care) and how often and what you are not willing to do (spend a lot of time helping and/or paying) and stick to it! If need be, adjust accordingly over time.

Do come back and let us know how you are doing. If things work out for you, you might be able to help others in a similar situation. At the very least, we do care and want to know if everything worked out ok.
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I have been having to think about responsibilities myself. If you have a child, you have a responsibility to do the best you can for the child, perhaps until they are a young adult. After that, it’s a matter of choice, depending on both of you. Your adult child also has no responsibilities to you, other perhaps than to be civil to you if they know that you did your best for them. Real love and care does deserve a return of love and care – not caregiving, just care about. After that, once again the child’s involvement is a matter of choice, depending on both generations. Think it through for yourself, depending on your own experience and wishes. If you are clear that you owe nothing, don’t take on false guilt, and make it clear to others what and why you are making that decision.
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It almost sounds like you have no connections with your elders... PERIOD.

They must have been real F ups. or at least in your eyes... If you were truly That abused... and you truly know that in your brain..

Seems like both of you cannot especially now forgive eachother... parent has ALZ.., maybe you can quietly in your brain, accept the situation for what you have been dealing will from the day you were born..
Finda a common ground in your head, where you can vizualize the more cognitive parent, and come to peace with it... and ALSO KNOWINGLY COME TO PEACE OF WHAT IS AND WHAT WILL BE THE END for you and parents: Telll them that you love them as much as you are able to and hug them. Be done.
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marymary2 Mar 2020
You should be made aware that your doubting someone who's been abused double victimizes them. If you doubt someone having the courage to admit they were abused (and surely you clearly couldn't understand why that's courageous), you should consider keeping it to yourself and not hurting someone who's already been dealt a bad hand through no fault of their own.
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Just know, it usually works out in the end.
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MargaretMcKen Mar 2020
In the end, we're all dead. That doesn't help us to deal with now...
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Suggestions: depending what the state laws are where you reside, you could sell the property and get parents into a nursing home. Once the proceeds from property sale runs out, apply for Medicaid. You could call APS and explain the whole situation and why you refuse to be a caregiver You owe them NOTHING, especially not your time for caregiving. You’ve wasted enough of your life being a service dog to them.
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Have you ever met with a therapist or mental health counselor?

Sounds like a hearty talk about limits and boundaries is in order.
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Talk with parent's doctor to see if one/both of them are medically in a position to need nursing home care. If you get that, look for a nursing home or facility and talk with the social worker at facility or go straight to the Medicaid office (for elderly and disabled) in the county where they live. The worker can review finances and income to figure out how their money will be spent and/or used to pay for the care. If one of them is not medically ready for facility care, Medicaid will also determine how much money the at-home parent will get to keep to live on (they don't leave the at-home spouse destitute).

Based on your family history and current employment, it is understandable that this situation is more than you can handle w/one parent needing 24/7 care.
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