How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?

First let me say I am NOT being hateful here and not condemning anyone about what they had to say.

I am 56 years old and for a time I lived with my daughter and her family. I was hurt when they would leave and not tell me they were leaving. I felt the same way about "paying my own way" and I wanted my grandkids to come to me to visit.

Was I needy? NO! I had been the care-giver all my life and all of a sudden I wasnt. I had payed my bills and my way all my life and suddenly I couldnt. They were a part of my family so why was it such a big deal for me to be part of theirs? I had been independent all my life and suddenly I was "under someone elses control". As for the grand kids coming to "visit" did you ever think that perhaps her area was her "home" and she wanted them to come there? Couldnt she have time to be with her grand kids without everyone present?

I think the person that wrote the above question should be praised for wanting to know how to help but at the same time Im ashamed they did. Why have we tossed our old people..our PARENTS...aside? Is it to much trouble for them to be around?

Other nations care about their old, think they are wise and show respect. Only in America do we stuff them in nursing homes, never visit, and just forget them.

I live in an apartment building with older people, like 80 plus, there are people in there that have never left the building during the entire 3 years that Ive lived there. AND no one has came to visit.

Shame on all of us that push our parents away.

Girlfriend lose this Zero and find yourself a Hero!

Confused,

Glad to hear your good news. You are very right to see the light about that family's systemic F.O.G. dynamic and if you got in it would be like getting beat up by the black smoke monster in the TV show "Lost"

thank you all so much for these comments! They are so helpful and I mean that! The more I hear about others in this same trap, the more eager I am to break free of it. He is a good man, and he always will be, I do believe my problem lies with his family dynamic, and as such, I would be crazy as a loon to involve myself with it.
My parents thank God, are healthy, active, and have none of this in their or my life....I will gladly care for them when the time comes, and yes I will pray I have a partner by my side when that happens, I just dont think it will be him.
God bless you all, and feel free to keep the advice coming as it inspires me to gain the strength to do what I must, which will happen after his father passes.
Thanks again to all!

Drawing from my own experience, my MIL, who is 78 yrs. old and has Alzheimer's, is very needy. When she first came to live with us, it was ALL the time--now, only part of the time. She would have a nightmare during her naps or when sleeping thru the night and would be scared. We would get a break from being with her during those periods of time. She would wake up and rattle the gate. That's the way we keep her in her area so that she doesn't wander up the stairs and fall and possibly break a bone. She's considered a 'FALL RISK'. Since she figured out how to get the gate open, we had to think of something else--we put a huge, heavy spring lock around the door of the gate and it fit on the steady part (that doesn't swing open and closed).
I told my SIL who is DPOA that I would agree to become Primary Caregiver as long all 5 siblings helped out--at least once a week. They did at first. They cooked dinners that we could freeze and they came over for dinner. They even helped take care of my MIL for 2-8 hours or more. After she went into the hospital a few months later and came back out of rehab (nursing home), they didn't cook dinners that we could freeze nor did all of them continue to help out in watching her. I was trying SO hard not to get Home Health Aide's (HHA's). My husband became unemployed and helped me out giving me a break. It got so he was burnt out as well. He's still looking for work while helping out. My SIL, who is DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney), took her o/n off and on. What a lifesaver! I, at least, felt some of the pressure lifted off of my shoulders for a night every 2-3 weeks. I don't know if my other SILs feel they don't need to help out much because of some reason. My oldest SIL
is unemployed and she has the time to come over here and spend some time during the day with her, but chooses not to (for some reason). She'll take her for 4-5 hours on a weekend and give her dinner. She just recently started putting her to bed. Her husband came upstairs and said that they needed assistance in getting her ready for bed. I went downstairs and my SIL said, "Here's mom, she is starting to get tired. We'll leave her in your hands." I said to her, "Your husband was telling me that you need assistance in getting her ready for bed." So she turned to her mom and started getting her ready for bed. She did that and even went one step further. She said her prayers with her. I won't do that, because we are of different religions and she is very strict in her religion. I thought,
at first, well if no one wants to take her to church on Sunday--she can go with us. When I brooched (sp?) the subject with her, she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that if it didn't have an archbishop there, she wanted no part of it. For a while, either my SILs would get her for church on Sundays or we would get HHA's and go to church. Now, we don't go unless my SIL, who is DPOA, takes her for the weekend.
She's now in Day Share (an elderly day care center) 3 days a week. COA (Council on Aging) here in Cincinnati, OH pays for 2 days/wk. The other day my SIL who is DPOA pays for it thru my MIL's funds. They have an RN (they can handle her meds and give her special attn. if need be on premises all day. She gets her meals there. They can provide transportation to and fro. She's getting her socialization in + her activities. They can have her go into the "quiet room" if she needs to take a nap. I'm not worried about her. The HHA's can't handle meds, they can just remind her to take them.
Sometimes, she's not easy to take care of. Sometimes, she's sweet as pie and other times, she's argumentative. Still other times she can be frustrating, This isn't fair to her to have (AD).
She gave. She helped out being a parent volunteer, also she was a school crossing guard and looked after those children
and took an interest in them (when others wouldn't lend them a listening ear). She watched 2 kids (that weren't her own--the dad was a widower and the mother died of breast cancer). The mother died when the youngest was a baby. My MIL took care of them from that time, and she also cleaned houses. Her 5 kids
also helped in taking care of them. The boy even told my husband that he felt like he was a big brother to him. The 2 kids (who are now grown and the girl has kids of her own) still come over to see her. It's nice to see that.

Confused,

Your boyfriend is a spousified "mammas boy" who needs some serious therapy. I can understand your concern for his dad, but that is really not your problem nor is his mother's faking issues your problem. If you marry into this sick family system it will make you sick and change your drastically from the person you are now.

Breaking up with someone like your boyfriend with a sick sucking family system like his is not uncaring. He needs help, but he also does not sound like he wants to be rescued by anyone much less take the bull by the horns himself.

In looking for a spouse as a woman, you want a real man, and not a little boy who needs rescuding from his mammy or daddy. A healthy marriage is one where two people relate as adult to adult. Right now it sounds more like adult to child. I'm sorry to talk so rough, but please understand that I've got some mileage behind me for saying this so straightforward. I've seen far too many women and men who choose a spouse who needs recusing from a bad family they are not free from themselves or alcohol, etc, but in essense the person they marry is a child and become their project to take care of and not someone to build a life with. Please, you didn't cause his families sick dynamics. Your didn't cause his inability to not sacrifice his whole life for 'mommy'. There's no way ya'll can have a live living in his mother's celler for one thing you will never feel that you really have him or that he is really totally present because he'll be so sucked up in with his mother's demands. Also, you can't fix his dad, his mother, the whole sick family system nor can you control it.

My son almost married into a backwood, from the mountains of appalacia fundamentalist holiness pastor's family who was much like you describe but they have a teenage daughter. This year as a freshman in college he took some sociology and began to see how sick her family is which his gut had already been telling him something was wrong; and he broke up with the girl still in high school which made her parents mad as H____! There were other problems with this family in which the dad was a 70 some year old pastor with a 38 year old wife who had a 16 year old duaghter and this was his second marriage. As David got to know them and other people in the congregation like one family who came from Ga. to help built the church that the other man started, he did not want to step foot in their house again. What he witnessed, I don't even want to say here, but those folks think they are ultra holy, that gospel music is the only kind of music to listen to and they live by very controlling laws, but they can't see their obvious racism and nothing wrong with what my son witnessed in that one home which was illegal, immoral and unbiblical which anyone else could see but them. Frankly, I'm glad they all went back to their isolated mountains where they came from. Thanks for letting me vent about that sick family system which was also part of a sick church system.

David was becomming depressed and unable to concentrate on studies after drama filled conversations on the phone. He felt sorry for the girl and wanted to set her free, but he saw that it was impossible.

It sounds like your carring heart is wanting to rescue this boyfriend who really is his mother's 'little man' and will become more so once his dad dies unless he gets help. You are not obligated to him or to his family. You are not married and when you get married I would assume you know that you marry into the spouse's family. Look at the relationship dynamic of his family as objectively as you can and ask yourself if you realistically can live with that. If you are still toatlly confused see an experienced pastor for counseling or a trained therapist for some extra objectivity.

Confused: Your boyfriend should be the one on this website reading about all the people who are trapped taking care of life sucking parents.
If he doesn't train his mother up now, then he's doomed for a life of servitude.

its awful....I dont want to split with him at this point because of his dad, what type of person would that make me, besides uncaring; which im not, but i just cant justify a woman who fakes a stroke....its sick.
I suggested VNA but he shakes his head saying 'she'll never go for it' but in the same breath, whose calling the shots? I guess he's supposed to cancel his life, live in the cellar, (plus side is paying down minimal debt) and wait for a thud on the floor? I mean god...I cant believe this is happening....

Sounds like your boyfriend needs mommy more than you. She had her hooks in him too deep. I say, just let him go. If he can tolerate that stuff, well. what can you do? You can't be his mommy, too. Sorry to be blunt, but the situation doesn't sound healthy at all. Sorry for the loss of his dad to cancer, as well. What a tough row to hoe. I feel sorry for everyone here.

My boyfriend is about to lose his father to cancer. His mother, a diabetic, and what is known as a furniture walker, claimed to have a stroke last week. She was admitted to the hospital and all tests came back NEGATIVE. no blood chemicals, neg. MRI and CATs.
He said she mostlikely faked it for more attention, because her husband is at the tail end of cancer and is indeed dying.
He is now saying he thinks he should move in with her, live in the cellar, and just be there incase she falls.
This woman still drives, but is essentially lazy. Does nothing. Sits at the kitchen table all day staring out the window. Resists any type of psych help, though we did have her evaluated when she was admitted, and the diagnosis was denial of husbands death, and expect severe depression...(like it doesnt suck now)
I personally dont think this woman needs her son in the cellar. As some background, since we met, she has been in regular contact with his EX. filling her in on any and all plans we or he makes.
I dont trust her. Its obvious she faked the stroke.
Should he move in? Should I be supportive of this move?
Should I try and talk him into moving closer, but not into the damned house?
then I deal with what if she falls and does hurt herself, he would blame me with the 'shoulda moved in' crap, when I know shes a manipulative controlling freak whose eldest son moved 1000 miles away to escape her.
HELP

Everything went fine with our Thanksgiving, despite problems my mom and sister are having. We brought her over to the house, managed to get her up the steps without her falling and there were no arguments. Then when we got two more calls thanking us for the dinner and making sure we got back home safely, she always needs reassurance that we are okay. I spent some of the day over at the nursing home with mom, because tommorow and Saturday I am busy a book sale that our local AAUW group has on the weekend after Thanksgiving at the shopping mall. Guess I will have to brave the mad rush shopping crowd at the mall tommorow.

Yes, we had a nice Thanksgiving and hoping everyone is having the same! Went to my daughters in-laws to celebrate, they both talked with mother and freed me up, it was so nice. We ALL had a nice day...I'm going with my husband to ride my horse, always told my mother that is why I love animals, don't have to talk to my horse for her to know I love her!

This has really been nice sharing and communicating with everyone, thank you for sharing your frustrations and difficulties, I know there isn't an answer, but at least there are sympathetic eyes (per the computer).

Thankful all my new acquaintances!

Thankyou, SecretSister. Yes, there is much to be thankful for amidst the trials. Happy Thanksgiving!

Praying you all have a blessed Thanksgiving, despite the struggles. May your day be one of peace and joy!

I can relate to all the stories here. Praying for a miracle. I'd like to avoid all family drama, if possible. Unfortunately, it is not always possible. I resolve to be thankful, anyway. I can count many blessings, and plan to focus on those. Not all is good, but a lot is. Thank God for the good.

I took care of my mother for five years in her home. She had a lot of emotional needs, was always concerned about the grandchildren and my sister, and expected a lot of them also, wanted them to be telephoning her or writing letters and spending more time with her. However, mom had a way of being controlling and gets upset with thinks don't meet her expectations. As a result, the grandchildren don't want to come to see her, don't want her in their home, and was the one that had to try to satisfy all her needs, calm her down when they didn't come and visit or call, etc.

She had a close boyfriend and they had wanted to get married, but he died last year. He had gradually gone downhill, and mom was wanting more and more of my attention to fulfill her emotional needs. We moved her to the same town where my sister lives, thinking it would help her to move on, but she was still hanging on to old memories of her two deceased husbands and her boyfriend. She also was calling her friends and running up big telephone bills. She was demanding 100% of my attention and I finally got worn out from trying to help her. She started falling in the apartment and then would wake up in the night, think one of her husbands was out in the parking lot to meet her, or think she received calls from them during the night. She is now in the nursing home, I am still the one trying to fulfill her emotional needs. We have narrowed the phone calls down to Sunday afternoons now using my cell phone, as she does not have a phone in her room. I am still the one having the explain away why my other family members don't come to visit very often and giving me and my family members guilt trips about not doing more for her. My sister got guardianship last week and mom and my sister had a big fight over it, hope this doesn't all blow up tommorow when we have her over for Thanksgiving dinner. This sounds a lot like what my mother has been going through, she was always a very social person and needs a lot of support from others and now that she is in the nursing home she is really upset.

It does help to vent now and then. And I do understand your frustration and that feeling of hopelessness, because you feel like there is no solution. I always feel guilty that I feel trapped and depressed a lot of the time. My husband and I are Christians and go to an evangelical church. My MIL is Catholic. We have invited her to our church and even told her we would drop her off and pick her up at a Catholic church, but she refuses to go. She has always made comments about my husband changing his religion for me. Yet, my husband is active at our church while she has no interest in going to church anywhere. So there you have it. That's another reason I always feel guilty, because I feel as a Christian I should have more compassion. But we are only human with human emotions. We can only do the best we can.

Her problem is not friends...she is very social and active in her church. They had her participate this last Sunday in the service. She has her priorities all misaligned. She, though 82, is the guardian over a woman who gave my father shots for his illness while he was alive. This other woman is single with no siblings, thus my mother caring for her, my father was her pastor.

Anyway, she needed my mother to come and see her in Tulsa - 50 miles away- mother can still drive during the day. Mom went to see her Sunday, the only day of the week she has major plans during the day...said she was too busy during the week...doing what...I don't know! So, now what is going to happen is I will be overseeing the both of them.

She has been to the Sr. Citizen Center, has many friends there and enjoys it, but chooses to not go. I spoke to her about paying just an amount to us so that she would not feel obligated to buy other stuff...no, she will continue buying stuff...all the wrong stuff of course. I feel so guilty for my annoyance by her, she walked into the room while I was watching tv...alone...in a big easy chair asking "what do you have going on in here?" I turned and sarcastically said..."watching tv, can you not tell what I am doing?" She stormed out. I teach all day and do not feel like participating in idle chit chat...have outright told her this and she tries to guilt me with the response that I should because she wants to talk with me. She talked on her cell phone over 1300 hours to her friends and sister in one month...we got her a land line to use now.

Sorry for the rambling...just needed to vent...know there is not an answer or solution...but for what it is worth, it just helps to know that I am not alone in my frustrations, either similar or not, frustrations are frustrations.

sbilyeu, we have the opposite problem that you do. My mother-in-law is very passive and won't talk to us at all. She has decided that she doesn't want to be a bother so she will just sit in her room and not talk to anybody. It used to bother me, because it is very awkward when someone won't even make small talk or make eye contact with you. But now, we just let her do what she wants and go about our business as though she is a tenant in our home. My MIL has lived with us for almost 7 years. She has dementia and was forgetting to take her medication and ended up in the hospital. We had to make a very quick decision to fly out to where she was living, pack her up, sell her house and bring her home with us. It was very difficult for her to leave her home state after 83 years. We thought since she was alone, that she would be happy to be near her son and grandchildren. My husband is an only child, and my MIL has the attitude that because she is his mother, that she should come before me. She also resents that he moved away from his home state when he married me and didn't live near her. So I have never been her favorite person. We had a fairly good relationship though as long as we lived in 2 different states. Now, it is just awkward and uncomfortable with her living with us. We are very good at taking care of her physical needs and she is in good health considering she has a lot of problems like diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. But emotionally, it is very hard to deal with and has caused problems in our marriage.

One of the things that has helped is having her go to senior daycare. She seems to like to talk to people her own age. It helps us with our guilt, because we know she is out socializing, getting exercise, playing games and not sitting in her room. Our local Area Agency on Aging allows for her to go 3 times a week and even picks her up in a van. Check in your community. Every state has this organization and a social worker will come to your home and explain the programs that are available.

She is feeling the losses that her aging brings on. Now she is dependent on you and is a combination of over-giving and over-demanding of your time. This is a hard transition.

Perhaps you can, if you haven't already, make up a "bill" each month and tell her the rest is your responsibility as it's bills for your husband and kids you yourself. You can make it what she can afford, but having a bill may feel more like she is paying her way.

Also, does she have friends? Did she move out of her home area?
I would concentrate on getting her involve in senior groups or adult day care, depending on her capabilities. She will drag her feet, but she needs peers to interact with. Then she may be a little less needy with you.

This will take time and none of it will go away. I hope time takes care of some of it.
Carol