How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?

Dixieborn, I think your confusing not being a doormat with abandoning people. There is lots of setting boundaries and tough love that ends up having to happen in some situations. That isn't abandoning people. Nobody should end up a doormat or completely give up their lives and their sanity for anyone even their elderly parent. That is exactly what is being asked of many people.

Some people completely ignore their parents, some have distanced themselves because they really had to due to manipulative or abusive behavior. There are clearly lots of situations, you can't lump everyone together.

If I let my mom have her way I would have abandoned MY family and kids, completely given up my job and personal life because she wants me to be on call or doing things for her 24-7. She has lost the ability to be thoughtful, respectful or even aware of other people's needs or ability. She would literally run me into physical exhaustion if I let her. She almost has. I re-injured my back doing things I know I shouldn't be doing because she wanted them done. Now I am going through treatment trying to undo the damage I did to my back. I went through years of treatment and rehab, I would really rather not do that again and I am of no use to anyone if I get in that state.

I make sure my mom has proper care, she has multiple people who come to her home to assist her with her needs, she has social activities too. At some point people do have to put their foot down when the situation becomes abusive.

Confused, my hubby's family dynamic was sort of like that. It is a situation you will always be on the losing end of unless your boyfriend grows some spine. It is really easy to get pulled into what he is considering. Reading all the stories of people getting burnt out when parents are super demanding it sounds like he could end up having his life and free time sucked up by his mother.
My husbands mother lived a few states away over 12 hours one way. She would lay the most horrible guilt trips on him for not coming home for every single minor holiday. She hated me and would plot these stupid scheme to cause problems if we were going to be there. She would try to pre-arrange for girls he knew in high school (and hadn't talked to since) or his ex-wife (whom he hates) to show up at things. She blamed me for every single thing he ever did that she didn't approve of. Nothing made this better and he was reluctant to stand up to his mother, instead getting mad at me for not wanting to go be insulted and stuck in the middle of her crazy games after driving half way across the US. I told him he was completely free to go visit his mother whenever he wanted and could fly to make it easier. I would even drive him to the airport..but I was not going to be stuck in the middle of the messed up family dynamic where I was her target all the time. He really didn't want to go see her but the guilt trips made him feel awful. Why didn't he want to see her? Because she was nasty and manipulative and spent the whole time making him feel guilty. This is what your in for unless your boyfriend can establish some rules and stand up to his mom.
Just to get that last jab in, at his mother's funeral she had her neighbor who was as much of a judgmental religious zealot as she was come up to me and inform me all the ways I was going to hell. I had never seen this person before in my life but his mom made sure she knew who I was! Crazy drama even from the grave...

My parents are in their 80's. Dad has parkinson alzhiemers. My sister lives 2200 miles away. My mothercwants to go north ct. For xmas. My husband refuses to drive given the care dad needs. She does not see this as a problem. Since I retired in june, i have been there morning and night as she has a bad back. She refuses outside help as friends have told her it is intrusive and expensive. I am at a loss. She is difficult to discuss anything with. Any suggestions?

I am going through this now, the more needy the more I am pulling away, mostly because she is a massive manipulator. I am stressing as she wants me at her beck and call. I lost my job trying to help, as I am an only child. My bills are growing and then she chides me for the loss saying it was my fault...

nanakathy, did you specificly want feedback about the Christmas travel?

My husband is in his 80s, has a kind of dementia that features Parkinson's symptoms. He uses a transport chair (although he can also walk short distances) and is sometimes incontinent. Overall he sounds like he is in somewhat better shape than your Dad. This summer we took a trip of about 8 hours. I decided traveling by car would suit us better than flying. My son drove. A daughter came along to help with her dad. I am in my 60s and in reasonably good health (I can travel without assistance.) The trip worked pretty well. Would I do it if I had to drive myself? Absolutely not! Was I glad to have a helper along (besides the driver)? Yes! Three able-bodied, able-minded adults to one impaired elder was do-able in good summer weather and for about 8 hours.

Would I consider a 2,000 mile trip by car with my husband in the winter? Absolutely no way. Not even wih a helper and a driver. Two adults with two impaired elders? Oh, I don't think so!

Sorry. That just does not sound feasible to me. Add that to the fact that the primary driver does not want to do it and I think you all should think of alternate plans for the holidays!

My parents are in their 80's. Dad has parkinson alzhiemers. My sister lives 2200 miles away. My mothercwants to go north ct. For xmas. My husband refuses to drive given the care dad needs. She does not see this as a problem. Since I retired in june, i have been there morning and night as she has a bad back. She refuses outside help as friends have told her it is intrusive and expensive. I am at a loss. She is difficult to discuss anything with. Any suggestions?

There are a lot of answers to your question here, so I may be repeating something you've already read. I have very nice parents with lots of good qualities, BUT my dad has been a challenge. Besides being generous, kind, sympathetic and even helpful, he has also been extremely pushy (just ask my husband). I've gone from loving him, to being frustrated to feeling like I actually hated him at times. My brothers have had some of the same problems.

Finally, I started seeing a therapist. I cannot tell you how much that helped me. It gave me a chance to vent. My therapist also helped put things in perspective and ALSO helped me learn to set some limits. It's really hard to do that sometimes. Not only that, my dad was interfering with my marriage. It wasn't that he was doing it on purpose, but he was so pushy that my husband would get upset and I would feel caught in the middle. I wanted to be the good daughter and the good wife.

As a child of my parent, I wanted to be respectful. I wanted to please my dad and it was very difficult to set boundaries. But having the ability to talk to a professional really helped me see what was going on and that is was okay to say NO. I wasn't mean about it, but I did set some boundaries. And guess what, it wasn't the end of the world.

We love our parents, don't want to hurt their feelings and still feel like a little kid in a lot of ways. However, that doesn't mean we don't deserve some R-E-S-P-E-C-T! If you haven't done it already, seriously think about seeing someone.

You do have to look out for yourself or you will burn out and not be of any help to your parent. Nanakathy, I empathize with your situation and even though she does not want outside help, you need to place it back on her. I ask my mother who cares the most about her best interests and she answers me. WIth that, if you do the same and let her know that this is both of your best interests and just do it, she will eventually accept and appreciate it.

When I took my mother's car away and took over her finances back in June, it was quite overwhelming, but I did it and then explained what I did after the fact. Was it traumatic? Yes, quite, but now she has fully accepted all of the changes. I now oversee her medications, transportation, laundry and so on. I recognized that it was a sense of independence she was losing, I told her I realized it, but I had her best in mind with my decisions.

Life is much better now. She will complain on occasion, I just let her know that I cared enough to do what is best for her. Good luck and I hope that you get help with your mother, she needs it....you need it.

I cant understand why a woman wont take care of her husband with colon Cancer! She was over it on the front end and wants to tell us what to do ! My dad has a feeding tube and she wont even give him the cans of stuff he needs ! I dont allow her to be that way to me but she really runs over my sis ! also it has made me angry at her!

I am an only child, 47 happily married with two grown children. My father passed away 6 years ago, I think my mother was jealous of my father because he had a stroke. At the time of his stroke she was very active in the community. She does live beside me, but she no longer drives and relies totally on me or my husband or daughter to take her ever place. She still is involved in our church but goes only when we go. She is very negative, always complains about how bad she feels, but wants to go ever time we go someplace. I feel guilty if we don't take her but no one enjoys themselves when she is around. She refuses to go to any type of senior citizen events. I am really feeling guilty, suffering from depression myself. How do I keep myself from getting so low & losing myself to keep her satisfied. I feel that she cared for me so it is my job to take care of her. Help me

Mommap1, many answers in this thread address your situation, too.

Yes, your mother cared for you. Did she give you absolutely everything you wanted? Did she provide every bit of your entertainment. If you whined two weeks into your summer vacation, "There's nothing to dooooo," did she drop everything and play with you? Or did she make a few suggestions and expect you to either do one of them or not complain about being bored? And if you were bored, did she allow you to whine all day, underfoot? Did she take you absolutely everywhere she went? Did she never have any private time with your dad as long as you were living at home?

So, if you are basing your behavior toward you mother on the fact that she cared for you for many years, please really think through exactly how she cared for you. If she was a sensible mother, I'll bet she didn't feel responsible for your entertainment 24/7, and I'll bet she maintained a life of her own, including time as a wife. Go and do likewise!

I wish I had the answers! My mother is in long term care, with COPD and probable lung cancer. She wants me there 24/7, calls when I am a few minutes late "I was afraid something happened", refuses to participate in any of the activities. I have backed off my visits to twice per week, just to be able to get something else done, but feel guilty because she won't be around much longer.
Those of you caring for parents in your homes have it much worse than I do, I know. I guess the only thing that has helped is resigning myself (accepting) that she is going to be unhappy for her remaining time and that is out of my control.

I can relate to what you're saying. My 87 year old father and I have been enmeshed all my life (I'm 58). We have had a very close and wonderful relationship, but it's also had it's load of troubles that come from enmeshment. I came to their home 5-1/2 years ago to help my father take care of my ailing mom. She died 3 years ago. Since then it's just been my father and I. For the most part, my father has been pretty self reliant: driving, getting around, able to visit a friend of his who lost her husband the same year as mom's death. My father used to be a dynamic man, but had some things happen to him about 20 years ago that caused and still causes him great shame. He can't forgive himself. His outgoing personality has always been a front for a very insecure person. Now that he's older, with dementia setting in and my mother gone, he's becoming more and more depressed and needy. He's a drama queen and seems to thrive on emoting. He's becoming more and more self centered and selfish. I live with him and don't work because of physical disabilities. I worked horticulture for years and have some spine damage, although I can get around and lead a "normal" life, I do so with pain. I'm able to do a lot for my dad, but the physical lifting if he falls is the one thing I can't do.

Just before Christmas he was walking our 1 year old Labrador, who Dad gets so much enjoyment from, and fell, breaking his pelvis. Since then he's been in the hospital and in January moved into a local rehabilitation home. Everyday since then all he can concentrate on is coming home. His dementia has gotten worse due to the pain, stress and confusion from being there. He can't seem to be able to understand why he has to be there. He thinks he can get the same care with me at home. He's just now being able to use a walker, but still hasn't gotten the OK to put "weight as tolerated" ok from his surgeon and is only allowed to put 50% weight on his leg. Being a "doer" he keeps thinking he's supposed to do something to speed things up, yet if he pushed himself too much it will delay his leaving. Meanwhile, I get phone calls all day long with him begging to come home, crying and telling me that no one likes him and everyone's mad at him (meaning the nurses and the other residents). His friend visits him for hours each day. I'm going to school so I visit him once a day for an hour or 2, but my visits seem to upset him as much as help him. I bring the dog down to visit. I try to interest him in watching golf or the Olympics with me. I play memory games with him because he's terrified of losing his cognitive abilities (his brother has severe Alzheimer's). Yet it always is a battle to get him to understand why he's there, how long it will take and when he can come home. I find that a lot of my childhood buttons get pushed as I watch him either try to manipulate me or get angry with me. I know he's scared. I know he's miserable there. I know he wants to come home. I try to empathetic. But after 2 months of this constant neediness, of needing only me yet being miserable when I'm there, of calling me up to 22 times a day, I'm beginning to get really burnt out. I've stopped answering the phone most of the time. My sister, who lives with her family in CA, is doing what she can to support me and Dad. She was here for 3 weeks when he fell and helped get him settled into the rehab plus got the house ready for his return. She's coming back in the middle of March to help me get things ready for his return home. The best case scenario is Dad will be home by the end of March. Until he gets an OK from his surgeon to be able to put weight as tolerated, the PTs can only do so much. My sister and I will set up home care and get help from the neighbors.

But what I'm struggling with is his neediness, his whining, his depression. Dad's doctor and the nurses tell me to step back and let him adjust to the rehab, to not be as available. But he's not adjusting, he's getting needier. He starts calling at 6 am most days (I don't answer the phone before 9, but it still rings over and over, waking me up) and can call as late as 12 or 1 if he's having a bad day. I tell the nurses when this is happening. They give him seroquil as needed to calm him. The bottom line is that my dad's a drama queen, he has a personality that is used to the world revolving around him yet he doesn't feel worthy, he's scared, and all he wants is to come home and have me take care of him.

With my mom, I got to a point of being grateful for the chance to take care of her, to make a living amends. I keep trying to get to that point of gratefulness with my dad, for I'm grateful that I can be here, but he's sucking me dry. I do my best to have my own life. I have a great support group. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I work my program and go to meetings daily. During good weather, I take breaks to go visit a friend in the Berkshires or go off to the woods alone to camp. But this is a whole new game. Dad's neediness is driving me more crazy than my empathy can handle. I'm doing what I can but I dread him coming home.

Thank you for letting me rant. It's good to know that there are others out there with similar problems. Oh, I forgot to mention that my dad is a very solitary person and doesn't like to socialize although he does with a few people. He has a reading group who visits him twice a week. He has a friend come and give Eucharist on Sundays. But he's pushed most people away and doesn't want to have people in his life. As he told me, the only ones he wants around is my sister and I, not even his friend.

So each day I get up and do what's in front of my face, taking time for myself yet still do what I can for my dad when I can. One thing I'm learning is I definitely do not want to be a miserable, lonely, desperate, clingy old person - it's too hard on those who love you.

Kim

I'm having the same problem, I'm single and 53 and every move I make results in Where u going? Where u been? Who r u talking too?? What have u got planned for the weekend? My mom is in fairly good health, stays home by herself when I work, but wonders "What am I supposed to while u r at work?". I have never been good at speaking my mind, fear of hurting someone's feelings or causing any kind of drama and would never think of being disrespectful to either of my parents but my attitude is going to have to change for my own sanity. I ramble on, I do everything including many things I know she could do dishes sometimes, some little things, anything, instead she sits in her chair and watches TV while I am at work and then wants me to entertain when I get home, can't even read a paper or play games on tablet (which for me is relaxing) without her saying I'm rude and not paying attention...drives me crazy. Well I've rambled enough and I could go on but I'll give u all some breaks. Lol. Thank God for this sight and letting all of us caregivers vent :-)

I can totally relate to everyone here. My mother lives with me and she manipulates me and controls me emotionally. It's borderline abuse. I am the only one she can count on however. When I do take time for myself, she calls me and reports some type of drama to inevitably wreck my time to myself and guilts me into coming home. When I try to maintain, she starts yelling and screaming at me. This is controlling behavior and very hard to deal with- it's taking its toll both emotionally and physically on me. My heart goes out to every caregiver -- it's not easy.

Please if you like I love talking and spending time with the elder if you like I would help out

I have an emotional needy MIL who refuses to get her own life and looks to me, husband and my kids to feel needed. It is not fair and I will not let her put this type of pressure or burden on us. None of her other kids or adult grandkids want to be bothered with her and leave all of the responsibility to us. I have decided to wash my hands with her being I have my own 3 kids plus my husband to look after. I have tried to encourage, motivate and support my husbands mother but she just wont do anything and I just cant take it anymore. I have expressed to my husband that I cant help a person who is unwilling to help themselves. I feel if she can tend to other peoples business she can tend to her own. I am just annoyed!

I too am "blessed" lol with an extremely needy gmil and because I am and have been her primary CG she about goes into a seizure just going to supper with her own kids and am then guilted into going with them smh very frustrating concidering I have a 11&5 yr old

Cheylily16, this thread is seven years old. I think your post will get more responses if you start your own thread.

Yes yes yes...and I have no idea how to handle this myself. I can't stand the living situation or her anymore.