My mom has dementia and has been in a nursing home for 5 years. I've been crying for 5 years. I cannot accept that she lives in a nursing home. I have short periods where I think I am accepting it but it always goes back to me crying a lot. My husband never goes with me to see her which hurts me too. I feel like I've abandoned her. Does anyone feel this way?
I think some people are more prone to feel guilty than others. If I don't think I did the right thing, I might feel guilty, but when I know what I did was for the best, then I feel good about it. I hope you can find some peace. Others may tell you to stop feeling guilty, but it has to come from within, IMO.
Definition of Guilt: 1) responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong; 2) a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong
The 'guilt' emotion is really a mechanism for us to perhaps feel the pain that you think you're loved one is experiencing. Truth is, my mother was beyond the point of knowing what was happening. She wasn't thinking, 'I cannot believe she is breaking her promise to me.'
'Guilt' is a feeling we experience when we think we are/have done something wrong. However, I did nothing wrong and neither did you! Let me repeat that, 'I did nothing wrong and neither did you!' We cannot feel guilty for scenarios that are beyond our control, but we do.
How do we move on? Everyone will their own personal process for dealing with emotions. I, personally, had to have a conversation with myself. I needed to remind myself that I committed my life to her when she needed me most. I was there through her many appointments, holding her hair back when she was sick, reminding her that her life had meaning when she thought it had none, held her hand when she was feeling well reminiscing about good times and so much more. That is what she will remember; therefore, that is what I will remember!
Don't get me wrong, I still cry. In fact, I cried while I typed the beginning of this post. It's ok to be sad . . . sometimes. If you let it consume your life, you are denying yourself of living. Imagine you're loved one said to you, 'I feel guilty that you are not living your life because of me?' Would that make a difference to you? It did to me!
Hope this helps. In addition, I have published a Kindle 'Two Women ~ 1 Disease' that was co-written by both my mother & myself during the process. Although, we have dealt with different diseases, the emotions are the same. Please let me know if it helps:amazon/dp/B00XJYY7ZI
Five years is a long time to be crying over something that is necessary. I suggest you have a few sessions with a counselor who is experienced with caregiving issues. You deserve a chance at happiness, too.
Dementia is a terminal illness. And there are many losses, small and large, that occur before the final loss. It is not unusual for loved ones to be in a state of mourning long before the death occurs. This often happens around a new loss. When Mom can no longer walk unaided, when she has trouble talking, when her appetite deserts her, etc. To be repeatedly mourning your losses is not "sick" and I don't think you need to be "fixed," but you deserve to not feel guilty all the time. All these losses are Not Your Fault. The real problem is not that Mom is living in a care center, but that she has dementia. That is why she needs to be where she is. Dementia is very sad, but it is Not Your Fault. I hope you can find a therapist who can help you cope with your natural sadness and also help you push those guilt feelings out of the way and get on with your life.
Guilty that I can't always cook her favorite foods, drive her to a movie, be with her more. She resents the caregivers and housekeeper, waits for me to eat and has low appetite so her weight is 85 lbs. Guilty when I'm out shopping and didn't bring her along. It's endless. I struggle with guilt and realize I must guard against this or it will make me miserable, like self pity. Humor, a good chat with a friend, exercise, reading, sharing on this site, helps a lot.