How to cope with hurtful accusations from Mother with dementia?

Wow hopless,it is very bizarre to hear a stranger describe in such detail what another has experiencex-you were describing my life completely. I have to agree and use the dimentia to your advangage and remove the keys. It feels quite cruel and deceitful but its for your own sanity and protection. I personally will support you in your choice if you go down this road. Its not easy to be deceitful when its not in your nature. Its easy for outziders to suggest you moving in but its very difficult. From experience, take some time to think about some boundaries for yourself and how much time you can dedicate without it crippling you emotionally. If it leaves you in a position where mum needs more care to come in or it means she needs to go into care, dont feel guilty. Ive found more terrible notes at my mums and now it doesnt affect me so badly. I just wish i could have some loving memories of her before the dimentia but there haven't been any for a long time. I was the first to put my hand up and keep mum out of a home or assisted living situation, now-(and without guilt), that day cant come fast enough for her own safety. Let us know how you go with the keys. I did the same but i took a house key from mum just incase there was ever an emergency and she was lying on the floor or something. Much less hassel than breaking a window!! Im 40 and was never trusted to have a house key- nor get her mail all because it was viewed as an attemt to gain info for my dad xxx good luck with the keys x

Nikki..I too wish I could have loving memories from the days I am with my 102 mother at her assisted living facility. There are stories about how wonderful it was to be with their mother when they passed and they cherish that moment. I can't remember the last time my mother said something kind or nice to me! She is definitely self involved at this time and she doesn't relate to me as a daughter only another caregiver..The caregivers don't have names other than "girl" (or "boy")..She will say, "I have one of my "girls" coming in at 8:00 to put me to bed"..etc.It's hard to watch and very hard not to take some of the things she says personally. I only visit once a week, and call between visits; however, if I feel as though her words are as sharp as a knife..I cut the visit short. She has some dementia but not alzheimers ...and, she doesn't forget a thing! Unfortunately, the bond is gone.

One of the most helpful things a counselor told me was that my mother was projecting all her self hate and anger on me. Which is not to say it didn't hurt, but she's always been mean. In the 7 yrs she's been in a facility, I've relied on professional counselling, the experience of friends who've been there and already experienced all these things, and anything I can to help me deal with it. One of the most effective things has been to just say "If you are going to put me or my children down, I'm leaving. I'll come back when you are in a better mood." And I follow through on it. For some reason, she seemed to think that I should just sit there and listen to her make vile comments and accusation. Maybe because my Dad did that.
I agree with those who have told you to place her in a home. Also excellent advice I received from a counselor was to NEVER let her live with me, because I would be trapped and at her mercy, just like when I was a child and she would say mean and hateful things. I always remembered that, and thank God I did. As you can see, we have quite a history.
As her dementia seems to be getting worse, she changes the facts of stories. One of which is she tells everyone she's had a stroke, but brain scans say otherwise. Whether this is to elicit pity, or to try to explain to herself why she cannot do certain things any more, I have no idea. I just bite my tongue and let her fabricate whatever she wants, as disagreeing with her evokes rage.
Kind of in a bad place myself so my patience is low. My ability to cope is limited by my own situation....don't do well if I am tired, dealing with other issues, or feeling ill. Just have a cold, but feel crabby and irritable, so I will stay home for a few days until I'm in a place where I can cope.
The wish for our parents love and approval never seems to leave....at least for me. So when they call you names, or run you down, or try to embarrass you in front of others, it can hurt. Yes, for some it's the disease, it's the disease. But if you have lived with a disapproving and mean parent all your life, you may have to learn you don't NEED their approval or love. I've had to come to terms with it. I still wish I had it, but have accepted it will never come. God loves me, my kids love me, and mother doesn't love me because she doesn't love herself. Just the way it is.

My husband's 93 year old GM moved in with us this past November after she was treated for congestive hear failure & starting to wander in her assisted living facility whom does not handle memory care patients. The other alternative moving her into a memory care facility. GM moved near us in 2013 with grandpa. He passed May, 2014. Since they moved, I have been the sole care giver for both. GM has low sodium...
GM is a diva...grandpa did everything for her before he died. After his passing, she was bored, lonely, would hardly participate in any activities at the assisted living center. She was in better shape than most seniors living there. However, she wanted 24/7 attention & did not care how she got it including making herself sick etc...which she still is today. She didn't like it if the doctor told her she was fine & come back in 3-6 months...sure enough, we would be back in doctor's office within 2 weeks for whatever reason....prior to moving in with us...she was in hospital every 6 months...
Her meds; Buspirone, Clonzapam were prescribed before her move to assisted living...how long she has been on them...we do not know.

Grandma complained alot before moving in with us...someone stealing, taking her jewelry, residents at the center where she lived...never happy about anything...always complaining, food etc...it was endless.

Since she has been living with us....which has been only 2 months...I have been accused of stealing her money, jewelry, hearing aids, keeping her a prisoner, etc...it goes on & on. My home is a revolving door with the visiting nurses, now I have a counselor on board. Next a neurologist appt at end of month...she has not been assessed yet for ALZ/Dimentia...however she has extreme paranoia, mood swings, sundowners, etc....& she is manipulative & controlling...
GM will tell visiting nurses we have done the above, however does not communicate to us directly her issues.
She is combative, trys to walk without her walker, hides/chipmonks her meds/spits them out. I know when she is taking her meds as opposed to not...now she is on a several more; Zanax, lexapro, Seraquill....the seraquill helps at night if I can get her to take it....she does not want to as she wants to stay awake at night & sleep through the day...I am now doubling the seraquill per doctor...she was creeping around house all night 5-6 bathroom trips in a 3 hour period...
We gave up our bedroom for her & we sleep in living room. My hubby put up curtains to block off dining room & she does not like it. We have no living room anymore & cannot allow her in our sleeping quarters as she will never go to bed!
She would creep the hallway all night & stand & listen to hear what we are doing/saying. We have no privacy, nor does she want us to have any including getting mad if hubby talks to me more than she. Hubby put up motion lights which decreased the nightly bathroom trips significantly. She told VNA we are recording her! lol...she is upset as she knows we know what she is doing...

I may add her daughter is 72 years of age & is bi-polar manic depressive, other grandson whom passed 2 years ago was schizophrenic manic depressive, his daughter has a slight case of something...not sure what...however we have no idea if GM was diagnosed with anything...she lived far away for last 30 years. Claims no one ever told her she had heart problems, low sodium etc...she does not want us to know her previous history....
We are limited as to family help...my hubby's parents are aged...GM has hardly any other family left...only 1 sister who lives 8 hours away & a sister-in-law who lives in another state. My hubby's mom (GM's daughter has the bi-polar) is physically & mentally incapable. My hubby's sister lives 3 hours away however useless as a 3 dollar bill. This leaves just me & my hubby.

At this point, we don't know what is going on with GM except all roads are leading to Dimentia. Counselor says she has it...told me to get into therapy.
GM says she hears people, someone knocking at her door at 4am, people coming in her room at night stealing, throwing her things in hallway & says they are not hers when it clearly has her name on it...etc...

Whats up with the creep laugh? She laughs at everything & snickers at me if my hubby says something off-handed to me or if I drop something.

This is what I am going through ....I have been reading the board for quite sometime now. Hi to everyone & thank you for sharing your story...it's very difficult to deal with someone who does not want to be on this earth & wants everyone to be miserable as she is....there is rationale there in the midst of the chaos....

aliqhua,

OMG!!!! what a mess. I think everyone on this site can relate to everything your going through. Same here, I am the only one. My mother hides information from me too. She uses my brother as a threat, because she talks with him and his whole family everyday. Which most people would think that it was a nice, caring act on their part, but, they only started calling my mother after they found out my dad only had a year, or months to live.

They have told the rest of my family, that she can rotate with the rest of the siblings. WHAT! He didn't stay 20 minutes with her, when my dad died. His family stayed in a hotel for 4 days, before the funeral. Would run like heck when the sun went down, so they could go party or whatever. They left and broke more things than I can count, but as usual, I am the one fixing all of them.

Dad owns a lot of property, and he feels like HE is the patriarch of the family now and we should bow to his wishes. Needless, to say. We don't speak.

I feel so bad for you, having to live with that 24/7. What a nightmare. If it takes moving her to another state for AL with memory help, I would do it and FAST!!! This type of thing will cause so much anger and animosity between you and your husband. Neither one of you need this in your life. I know it sounds cruel and maybe to some "unchristian" but, it's the hard truth.
I wish you all the luck, prayers and hope you both deserve.
My mother has always been miserable and is worse even now, that she doesn't have my dad around to berate, scold, lie, with hold information from him, just to get him back for not listenening to her non stop his every waking moment. He was a saint, and you two are too, to put up with all of that. I don't include me, because, my heart is turning so cold towards her, it hurts. keep us updated. BE STRONG for each of you, "easier said than done" I know.......

Hi Hopeless! (((((HUGS)))) Will have to add more later. Thank you for the words of encouragement & you too, be strong...It took a lot of energy to post before as its hard to open up & share all of this mess. Remember, we are called to do this task whether voluntary/involuntary for whatever reason. Keep in mind, its only for a season too. I will share more soon.

All you ladies are steel magnolias. That is, you are strong and beautiful. You are doing the best you can. I did my best (with lots of lapses).Life has thrown each of you great challenges..and you are dealing with them. I find sharing and opening up to tell what you are going thru is very,very important. Somehow it halves the pain. You are not alone. Many of us are in there with you all the way.

Aleigha00, why in the world would you keep going through this? Enough is enough. You've done all you can. It's time to explore placement in a facility. If she can't afford it I think there are options that Medicare/Medicaid pays for. It may not be what she wants but you need your life and home back.

Thanks robimar there is some comfort in knowing others experience family segregation. Im finding this site quite the "emotional go to place" for me atm. After all the notes i found about "do not trust nikki1234 and she is a b*tch, I thought id give mum some space for a while and keep my distance in hope she may "forget". I rang her today to say hi and just chat and she was as cold as ice. She had been "very busy" and was just waiting for someone to pick her up to take her out to lunch. When i said "thats lovely,who are you going with?" She refused to tell me. Woulndt say where she was going just "out to lunch with some lovely friends". I said that now the kids are back at school i could come up one day next week and take her out ( even though i still have my demanding 3 yr old runaway with me). She said she was busy with so many appointmentz and wasnt available. The conversation lasted maybe 6 minutes at best and i felt gutted.. My debarcle is do i continue this emotional rollercoaster and continue calling and forever get the cold shoulded reminder of mums rejection every time or do i just bow out completly. As ive said before her basis for not trusting me is because i have a good relationship with my father. My (possibly cold) common sense says she wont change and itd be like hitting my head against a brick wall if i continue calling. I certainly cant take her to appointmets or the like. Common sense says just stay in the background until she doesn't remember me and thinks im just a cleaner-ill be treated much nicer then and it will be easier to visit her. There is very little that suggests i should do anthing to the contrary. I havent had a relationship with mum for so long that im struggling to even feel guilt with how i want to cope with the situation and ive assessed wether im in denial or ignorant about her condition and i dont think i am . I will sometimes cry (because im hurt) but often i feel numb and this effects my family. I know i will mourn the loss of having a "chance" of a normal mother daughter relationship for a long time but i think if i do the right thing and focus on my relationships with my children and hubby that void will easily be filled....
Aleigha00 how are you going in your camp?? Any change on the homw front x

Mother-daughter relationships are often tangled,convoluted and difficult. The important thing now is that you nurture a pleasant relationship with your husband and child. You have to let go of trying to please someone who is not accepting your overtures as you would like. You will feel more free yourself. Malachy

Due to a health scare for myself, I am now looking at assisted living facilities in my area that do respite care in case I have surgery. I am hoping I find one "Mommy Dearest" likes so much she wants to stay, I can dream.I am on the start of my 4th year of living with someone I absolutely hate, yes, hate.She does not have dementia, if only, that would at least be an excuse. I think I am just dying inside just being in her vicinity.

Mom also has dementia. Lived with us when Dad went into hospital and accuses us of hitting her & pushing her down. Thing is we never torched her but she has knocked my husband down three time and takes his glasses off and tries to step on them. She hits me in the head. Drew blood on my husband 3 times on his face when she grabs his glasses!! Called 911 and said we were beating her up. First aide squad came with police and wanted to take my husband into emergency room. She got much worse after 65 years of marriage when my Dad died Nov. 2, 2015 from liver cancer. When he went into hospital he had marks on him and was asked what happened? He said that his wife did it. (my Mother!!) We did not believe him but now think that he was telling the truth!! Dad died at 90 Mom now is 91. Dec. 30th 2015 had to put Mom in memory unit because police kept calling 911. She has dementia. Now husband my husband will not go to see her because she keeps saying that he beat her up. She is making life 200% harder on me. Yes take Pams' advice and try to have someone there with you when you see her. I know it hurts...

The mother daughter role seems to change as the parent deteriorates. Fear drives a lot of their hurtful comments which often are childish, and because the daughter is looking for love in the situation and not finding it, the hurt cuts deep. I found I had to physically toughen up and realize that God is looking after the situation too, pull back and do what I could - from a distance. Was hard for the first week, but after that I found different ways of sorting the situation. I am now beginning to see a similar situation with my father and finding it easier this time round to know how to cope without being an emotional mess. Not remembering the bad comments and replaying them in the mind is a hard thing..but eventually compassion helps to let it go, realizing it is a common situation with elderly parents everywhere.

Save yourself. Your mom has lived her life...now you live yours. Sounds as if your mom is using you as an emotional punching bag. She is no longer exerting her physical power over you but rather, still has an emotional strong hold on your well being. Your role as a responsible & caring daughter will remain in tack for the long haul if you set boundaries now and make yourself a priory. I was beaten as a child and like yourself I never hit my mother. Although, I threatened to do so when I was 20 years old. My mother lives in an ALF/Memory Care unit and I visit her regularly, take her to appointments & outings( if she wants ), interact with MD & care givers as her advocate, as well as sit & listen, try to reassure her & validate her feelings. However, I measure my time & energy so that I can sustain my support until the end of her life. I am taking it one day at a time because that is the only way to put this experience in perspective. All the best as you make your way along this most challenging of life's journeys.