How to convince my wife with dementia that she is at home?

Bob, I went through that with my husband. It got to the point where every afternoon he would gather clothes for "home". I asked him where " home" is and he pointed out the window and said, "over there". I told him I would drive him there, but he had to tell me where to go. So, he would put his clothes in the car and I would back out of the garage and ask him which way to go. Sometimes, we wouldn't even get out of the driveway and he would say, " there it is" and point to our house. Other times, I would drive around the block or down the street and turn around always making sure to drive past our house and he would point to it and say, "there it is". It was a pain in the butt, but I didn't know what else to do. It only gets worse, Bob, so start preparing.

Call her PCP or neurologist and talk to them. She may need her meds adjusted.
Her meds are not just about her, you count for something too in this puzzle.
I haven't been cussed at in almost 2 weeks now due to a recent med increase of just 25mg. That slight med change not only helped her, but also helped me.

Bob, instead of trying to convince her that she is ‘home’, it might be nicer for both of you to get her to talk about what she likes about the ‘home’ she is imagining. You could have quite a good conversation about what she liked best, and what you are going to do when you manage to arrange to go ‘there’ for a visit. It might be worth a try – telling her about reality clearly isn’t getting either of you anywhere.

Bob, I suspect your wife is going back In time, or looking for a place that feels like home to her

I'm sure this is so heartbreaking for you. But you can't convince her of this, her brain is broken. I'm so sorry.
Best to not convince her, change the subject, tell her you will go home tomorrow, and hope she lets it go.

Are you the only one talking care of your wife? Do you have help?

Go on YouTube and learn everything you can about dementia. Some people like Teepa Snow, there are others, and good books

But I'm very sorry to say you will never convince her she is home. Home is really in are heart, so your wife just may not feel at home in her heart.

If you have old pictures or anything from your wife's past that you can bring out that may help.

Best of luck Bob, we are always here to lend an ear.

Hi

See if you can watch a Youtuber, his channel name is:

dsalnorcal

His father has dementia, and lives with him. He makes videos and shorts about this experience.

You do not 'try' to convince as this is futile (won't help).

8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations

Don't take it personally.
Don't argue or use logic to convince.
Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language.
Create a calm environment.
Stick to simple answers.
Distract with a pleasant activity.
Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items.

Read this website: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/lying-to-someone-with-dementia#:~:text=When%20someone%20with%20dementia%20unknowingly,of%20the%20world%20around%20them.

In part, it says:

Why might a person with dementia ask difficult questions?

Difficult questions often arise when the person is living in a different reality and/or has different beliefs from those around them.
These differences may become more apparent as dementia progresses but they are not limited to the condition’s later stages. They include:
- behaving as a younger version of themselves (time-shifted)
- beliefs – sometimes strongly held – that are false to others (delusions)
- unfounded suspicions or allegations about others (infidelity, malice, deceit)
experiencing things that aren’t there (visual hallucinations).

Website: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/i-want-go-home-what-to-say-to-someone-in-dementia-care

In part, it says: When someone with dementia is asking to go home

1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'
For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself. 
 
‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist. 
 
It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is. If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.

What not to say to somebody with dementia

Words can be helpful and uplifting, but also hurtful and frustrating depending on the situation. Some words/questions to avoid when talking to a person w dementia.

Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home.
Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past. 

Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. Encourage them to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.

2. Reassure them of their safety
The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place. 

Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe.  It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.

3. Try diverting the conversation
Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone. Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety. 
It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....' 

Try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk. 

Google TEEPA SNOW. Call her, watch her webinars & You Tubes, buy her books.

Gena / Touch Matters

You cannot "convince" anyone with Dementia of anything they do not already belieive. Don't argue with her or try to persuade her of anything. Instead, you might engage her in some conversations about "home" like "What would you like to do when you get homre?" or "What do you want to take with you when you go home?" Her answers do not need to satisfy your logic, but talking about her thoughts and "plans" might be calming for her and reduce your frustration at being able to convivnce her of what is not reality for her.

As others have said, "home" is not a physical place. I asked my wife about home and "it was safe" and she had friends and family there," I've tried to make her feel loved and safe. My kids and our families try to call often, sometimes just to say that they were thinking about her and love her. We put pictures around the house from where her parents lived (we had some in a closet, but Tami Anastasia from Dementia Society suggested that big maps of the state and similar might help her to feel more comfortable.) Distraction never worked for us. But my daughter suggested that we tell her that home is being remodeled, so we are staying here and that I have to stay to watch the property and dogs. When she wants to go, it often involves going out to the car and trying all the keys on her key ring. When she goes to garage, I give kisses and hugs and remind her that she is ALWAYS WELCOME HERE. I tell her that if no one is there, if the electric is off or AC isn't working, she should come back here. And after a few minutes, she usually comes back in. I welcome her and usually have to show her where she can sleep. When I do, I point out the bathroom with her toothbrush, her clothes, her make up and other personal items and the situation is abated for another night. Good luck to you. It is trial and error and questions like yours to find options were some that I asked months ago.

What I did with this very common issue, as you know, is take my mom for a drive to the mountains. When we started out we were going "home", wherever that was in her mind. By the time we got back to the assisted living house she would say it was good to be back home and "oh there's Papa in the kitchen trying cook dinner. He's going to mess it up. Good we are back". Of course he was not there, since he was dead, but by the time we got in the door with her caregivers giving her hugs and welcoming her back, she was fine and ready to settle back in. She had to go to memory care when she actually tried to get out the door at night to "meet Papa to go save some dogs because their owner didn't know how to care for them". In that case I told her over the phone that I would go with Papa to get the dogs because she wasn't allowed to leave yet. It only took agreeing with her to calm her down. Just try anything to go along with the wish to go home and hopefully she'll forget about it until the next time, which might be in a few hours, the next day, or whenever she feels again she must go home. OMG, just love her. I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.

My mom asks to go home from time to time. I tell her that I will take her home tomorrow because I don’t has gas in my car and will have to fill up my tank to take her. She accepts that then forgets. You cannot convince them that their delusions are not real.