Hello All,
Long time lurker, never posted - thank you for this community!
I need some advice / outside perspective on follow-up care for my mother. It's a complicated relationship - Mom is super needy, and distance really helps.
I (41F) moved my mother (77) into a lovely active senior residence home in Florida in February of '23. She is on the independent track, but the residence has assisted living options also. She is a widow as of April 2022 and is very lonely and has multiple health and mental issues. She needs more help and company lately and she cries every night and begs to be close to family. The closest family member is her 30-year old granddaughter who is 1 and a half hours' commute away, but the granddaughter is very busy with full time work, school, and wedding planning and cannot always visit. Granddaughter visits briefly once or twice a month.
I live in Chicago, Illinois. I visit every other 2 months for about a week at a time. But, it's never "enough" and she is very lonely and doesn't have family visit her much and would like to live near me - whether in Chicago or Florida - wherever.
The director of the Senior Residence is concerned she is failing and will become ill due to lack of family visits. They have also noticed her depression, loneliness, and isolation. The consensus is she must be near a family member for her mental health. The family member she prefers is me.
I am debating on moving her to Chicago to be near me to help her out, or moving myself to Florida to be near her. If I move, I will leave my partner behind or force him to come with, and we will have to worry about housing (he owns our small condo) and getting new jobs. Also, I do not like Florida very much. If I move her nearby in Chicago, I will have to find a new senior residence or assisted living place for her and find all new doctors for her.
I struggle with undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression and it is very difficult to be her caregiver. She is very emotionally dependent on me ever since I can remember and it is very exhausting. I have not been taking care of myself for the last year or two because I am so burnt out from family issues*. But, I am her Power of Attorney as well as favorite emotionally available scatter-brained daughter, so I have a lot of responsibility and guilt to help her. I don't think any other family can step in and help.
I am not looking forward to this decision and I'm very overwhelmed. I am also worried about how expensive moving will be. Even now, the location I found for her and "put her in against her will" is quite expensive (though she does have savings and her IRA and makes just a bit too much to qualify for Medicaid in Florida yet), and I haven't been able to research how to make it more affordable. I just can't get myself to do the bare minimum because of my own issues.
I see a few options: 1) Leaving her where she is and upping her health care; 2) Moving her to the Chicago area in a senior home near me; or 3) Possibly moving myself (and partner) to Florida. No matter what, all of these require me to figure out money and will be very time-consuming research and I will be stressed and obligated to visit her often and help her with errands and her emotional needs that I am not sure I can always provide without detriment to myself. I even made a pros and cons list for each. (As much as I DON'T want to be her helper, it would actually assuage my guilt and DAILY anxiety about calling/helping her.)
Does anyone have any similar stories and anecdotes or possible options on what to do, including ones I have not thought of?
*Extra BG: I'm only family in Chicago. All extended family in PA, rarely see each other themselves. 1 older sister w/ 4 kids (30F, 16M, 15M, 13F) in FL. Sister out of picture. I quit my job and lived with Mom for about 1 year in FL while Dad in&out of nursing homes - took care of all Mom stuff / Dad's death and lived out her condo contract with her (w/o my partner). I'm... tired.
Am only child of single parent. Thus, the responsibility and obligation was on my shoulders to take care of my mother when she aged. Growing up, even as an adult, absolutely NOTHING I did for her was good enough. And guess what - as she aged, that trait just intensified and got worse. (And yes, she lived 25 minutes away (she moved from her home state to be closer to me!) Nothing, and I mean nothing, was every right or good enough - whether I stopped by 3x week for hours on end, brought her to her medical/dental appts., took her grocery shopping or brought her groceries, picked up her rx, made special trips if she was not feeling well, ran over to fix or deal with whatever home/house problem there was (appliance stopped working, the faucet wasn't working, the furnace wouldn't heat, etc etc) - every single dang problem and issue I had to deal with and take care of because when she did, she messed things up royally and made them even worse.
I did this for 30 some years. Mother passed away at 95. I am now nearly 70. Those are 30 years of my life - the best part of my life - I will never get back. And I say that because now am facing a plethora of health/medical issues.
What concerns me is what you wrote: "The director of the Senior Residence is concerned she is failing and will become ill due to lack of family visits. They have also noticed her depression, loneliness, and isolation." She is in a facility. It is up to the facility to figure out HOW to deal with her depression, loneliness, isolation. THEY need to be figuring out activities for her. THEY need to get the doctor to do an assessment/order anti-depressants.
And believe me, when I say, even if you do move closer to her, or her closer to you, she will not change - in fact, she will become more demanding and difficult. Because of all those years with my mother, when she passed, I hate to admit, I didn't shed a tear. It was a sense of relief, a burden lifted. I spent so many years overwhelmed, underappreciated, overstressed, and just plain exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally. Don't let this happen to you.
1 - Start by researching and finding a residential facility nearer to you that she qualifies for - and can afford (her resources, not yours). She may have to be on a waiting list until a spot opens up. No move until she is accepted and has a place ready for her.
2 - Be realistic with her - and yourself - about how much you can "visit her". If you work full-time, have a life partner, and a social life... you need to remember that those relationships need to be nourished as well as meeting some of her social needs. Create a plan with your partner that attempts to meet all those needs without stressing you out. Then, let her know what she can expect when she moves closer.
3 - Get her a mental health appointment with a psychiatrist - preferably one that specializes in geriatrics. She needs evaluation and treatment by a professional. Be aware that mental health medications can take some time to be effective and may require adjustments in dosages and regimens to find what works better for her.
4 - Ask her to engage with her current community at least once a day: a meal, an activity, a conversation... Her isolation will not change unless she is willing and takes action to engage with others.