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How about looking up the videos on line of Dr. Atul Gawande entitled, "Being Mortal." His book of the same name is fantasic, though it does cover more than the very end of life. It's something to really consider when making end of life choices. The video is very good as well. Nothing graphic, but confronts the reality of our end.
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Hopefully he will pass in his sleep and there won't be the opportunity to resuscitate. This must be so hard for you all. I imagine (actually, I hope!) there is a legal recourse for the family if someone tries to override the final wishes of the patient. But practically speaking, you have to live with her after he passes away. She might feel like she let him down by not doing everything she could to keep him. And whether someone resuscitates him or not- he's going to go eventually.

Is there hospice involved? I found them to be excellent listeners. Maybe they could help change her mind.
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stephpilg May 2020
Thanks, Hospice is involved. It took a lot to get them in though. She canceled them twice before his sister finally got them to go back and stay.
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I don't mean to sound cold, but if he needs to have CPR done, have her watch it. This has worked for us in the hospital when pts have needed to be coded and the family was in the room. Most families have this TV happy notion that it will save a life with no harm done,, instead of the broken ribs, crushed sternums, punctured lungs , etc that are the reality. May families seeing the reality are then able to go along with the pts DNr wishes.
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Grandma1954 May 2020
I have said in previous posts..CPR works great on TV and or someone young enough to recover from the broken ribs, broken sternum and most likely the pneumonia that will come due to decreased lung function during healing.
Even as "healthy" as I am I can not imagine the pain that that would cause.
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I don't think there's anything the family can do unless someone other than your MIL is the healthcare POA for your FIL. I would get an elder care atty involved.

I think your best bet is to try to convince her to reconsider. Explain to her how painful resuscitation may be... broken ribs if cpr, electric shock to restart heart, possible intubation, etc. As EMTs you know the consequences. I assume he's under hospice care. If not, why not? They will provide him with a peaceful, painless, comfortable death. Would she want to harm him to extend a non viable life? I know you can't tell her this, but it's very selfish on her part.
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I would contact a certified elder law attorney, I don't believe that anyone can change your end of life wishes.

That's the whole points of having these documents. POA doesn't give you the right to change what a person requests when they are of sound mind. You can only honor their wishes and act on their behalf in their best interests.

See an attorney.

I am sorry that your family is facing this. Not like the long goodbye isn't hard enough.
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Theres not much they can do other than talk to their mother and try to change her mind. Surely with their job experience, they can adequately explain to her what the downside to life saving measures is since they’ve seen it firsthand. Other than that, she’s his wife and his first next of kin. There’s nothing you can put in place that changes that.
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