We have a caregiver for our elderly parents. She worked in daycare before, has no formal training but is a mom so things are assumed. Despite being told to stop asking my parents if "they need to go potty", "honey, sweetie, little one", wanting to only be with my parents. Not recognizing when she should step away...example when our cousins visited my Dad having not seen them in 50 years, she remained in my parents apartment until she was introduced. My cousin stated later "who was that woman insinuating herself into our family". This past weekend I arrived to give my dad a bath and asked her to leave and return in 2 hours. When she returned she apparently asked the receptionist "is she out of here yet". She then came to their room, came right in and over to my mom "has she had water" I said yes I just gave her a drink. She ignored me and gave my mom more water...not even noticing that her cannula was not on. I then noticed and put my mom's air on her....the girl then came right over and attempted to put the cannula with me already doing it. Then she walks over to my dad. I had washed his hair and it was a bit fly away....she proceeds to lick her palm and slick down his hair. I immediately put my hands up and said "can you just stop it, they are not your parents and you are not their daughter". My sister likes her because she will sub at anytime for my sister. I suspect my sister tells her to ignore what I ask and say but I don't know for sure. All I want is for her to observe established boundaries for a caregiver. No gifts or presents, no honey, sweetie crap, understand when to back off.
I agree that a daycare (if you mean children) person would not have the experience to know what may be happening with your parents (ie my dad had a stroke and his care giver knew what to do). And so hiring a person experienced with aging issues might be more beneficial.
I find it strange that she stayed the whole time the cousins came to visit. Yet, if she was being paid to be there that day and she left would she had been paid still? Perhaps it comes down to that.
It is tough to know what another person's motives are. When a care giver tells my dad "I love you" and they just met 3 days ago my "spidey radar" goes off. When they are willing to do "extra" w/o pay it goes off again. I guess I am not a trusting person because there are people in our life that are not trustworthy (ex family). So I'm on guard.
Talk to your parents. And talk to the care giver. And if necessary, talk to her boss at the agency. It's tough being an employer if you've never been and don't like to be in charge of people. I never wanted to be a supervisor and yet here I am. If she hasn't been a care giver to elders long it might just be inexperience.
There's something with you attitude that makes me think you're a difficult person. You want a domestic who will say yes, ma'am; no, ma'am like an old-fashioned housekeeper. Many of us would appreciate the person who is working for your mother and father. She sounds like a personable and dependable caregiver. I'm sure she is protective of your parents and mother-hens them. She spends a lot of time with them and probably feels a close relationship. IMO that is a good thing.
You did come off as being a bit condescending with the comment about the visitors. She should stay in attendance until she is dismissed by your parents or whoever is in charge. A simple statement from you or your parents like, "Sweetie," (I'm joking there), "you can go out for an hour while our visitors are here," doesn't sound like too much to ask. And if you don't want her there when visitors are present, don't schedule them during her shift.
She may be the best person the agency has for your parents. If improvement is needed, try to work on that without denigrating the ability she does bring to the job.
What you can do is express your appreciation that she actually cares enough to take care of your aging parents.
Also acknowledge her past experience as a mother and daycare worker.
Express your appreciation for her position in life and how far she has come.
Thank her that she has cared enough to care for so many others and even your parents. What you may want to do is to guide her as to when it's time to step away and just give it a rest. If you have her contact info, let her know that you will call her and that again she needs to know when to step away. What you can do is if you're expecting family over to your home, I would go ahead and relieve her first and send her home before calling your family. This is how I would handle it. If she won't leave, you can have your visitors back you up after a private conversation about what's going on. Just ask your guests to please help and if they care enough about you, they will step up to the plate and support you in any way needed.
I don't know if this caregiver is a professional or not, but professional caregivers are not going to want a bad name and definitely not a bad report getting back to their boss
I'm with you when it comes to icky pet names like sweetie, honey, etc. And don't get me started on the word "potty"! This may be a habit leftover from working with children but it's patronizing and condescending and the caregiver should stop with the pet names.
And finally, do your parents like her? If they do then that's all that matters.
Noxious personality aside, she is unqualified. Lack of training. Lack of manners. Lack of common sense.
I am not dissing her childcare background. It is important work. Everyone on this site who has raised kids understands those challenges. An important difference here is: In her previous work environment, her clients' abilities increased as she invested time in them. That's the natural arc of child development. Whether she is conscious of it or not, this is her ingrained expectation.
With elder care, the pendulum swings the other way. No matter how much she fawns over your parents, they will get worse. Their medical needs will increase. Their assistive needs will increase. That's the sad fact of aging. There's no "reward system" to improve COPD or reverse muscle wasting. You can't cajole away congestive heart failure.
And transferring a 170-pound adult on/off the toilet is completely different than shooing a toddler into the restroom. Let's see how sweet she is after gets a rotator cuff injury during "tinkle time." Actually, let's not.
Her open disrespect for you is also a red flag. Ignores you when you ask her to speak to adults like adults. Disparages you to the front desk staff. This can only get worse.
Her possessiveness with your parents is inappropriate, too. Caring is good. Control is bad. She has no business grandstanding during a family visit. Your parents' social interactions are not about her, yet she wants to make them about her. Hmmm?
Perhaps she's ingratiating herself so that she can fleece your parents. You don't want to learn the hard way that they co-signed a car loan for "that sweet girl." Or let her use their credit cards. Or re-wrote their wills in her favor.
You would do well to start working on a replacement. Quietly, of course. It's touchy, because your parents are sucked in and your sister likes her. (Or your sister likes disagreeing with you.)
Who has the ability to hire/fire here? Are you POA? Is sis in charge? Who's paying?
There's nothing unreasonable about her expecting to be introduced to family members. On the contrary, what if your long-lost relatives had been left thinking "who was that rude woman who was in the apartment and buggered off the second we arrived without so much as a 'good morning'?" Then again, first you criticise her for failing to notice a problem immediately, then you criticise her for trying to remedy it once you'd drawn attention to it. She can't win, can she? The way you describe events, it does rather sound as if this poor woman is scared stiff of you. And you can't then be very surprised if she's rolling her eyes and hoping not to encounter you.
You don't have to like her, but do try to be less frigid and more appreciative of her efforts. You will then be better placed to discourage her from doing (I agree) irritating things such as addressing your parents as though they are slightly dim infants and spitting on her hanky to wipe their faces (eeuw!)
My Dad fired so many very decent caregivers...finding one that he got along with was a major issue. It is completely possible that you would go through a large number before finding another your parents like. Be careful what you wish for.
You obviously do not like her fawning over your parents....but...you are not on the receiving end of this. Talk to your parents.
Also, your sister having someone to count on to cover on a minutes' notice is a great benefit. Are you prepared to do the same while a search goes on to find a replacement that meets everyone's criteria?
Sorry to sound harsh, and I do get that it grates on your nerves.....but consider the possible alternatives.