How to deal with narcissistic mother and keep my sanity?
How do I stop arguing with my aging mom who is depressed. I feel angry that this is a state of mind she seems to be choosing. She makes up stories about her (and our life) rewriting them to be depressing and/or critical of everyone in the family just so she can eother feel superior or depressed about her "awful" life. She came as an immigrant and worked hard no doubt. But she has lived and extraordinarily privileged life...with caring children and a husband she NEVER appreciated but who is still talking care of her. She is so narcissistic and conitnues to see life through her own lens. She can turn ANY event into death or negativity. For example, she sees a happy family with a new baby and dog, she tells them to keep an eye on the dog because it could kill the baby. My father takes her laundry upstairs and all she comments is that, "he always does that, waits for everything to be folded and then he takes it upstairs." Meanwhile she could never take them upstairs herself and would be insulted if he tried to help her fold the clothes and accuse him of belittling her. In other words you can't win with her. She is ALWAYS the victim. I feel like my I can't stop myself from correcting her delusional memories or accusations but all it does it make things worse and then I feel guilty. HELP!!!
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It sounds like your mom is negative continuously, and that immediately reminded me of...teenagers! Most teens normally go through a stage where they behave like victimized, self righteous whiners. I have gone through that stage with 6 kids, and the youngest (16), could be a behavioral stunt-double for your mom. He is the ultimate drama queen right now. Not trying to make light of this - such negative energy drains everything from the people who have to co-exist with it. I spent a lot of time trying to change his outlook, manners, make his life better, etc and finally realized that I was enabling his moodiness and wearing myself out in the process. I then put a paper on the wall where I can see it which simply says "He does what he does". To me, that is a reminder that he is responsible for what he says, does and feels. I need to interact with him daily and continue to parent him, but when he rolls his eyes, acts rude, stomps off or complains about the universe, I now tell him how that made me feel and that I would rather not be around him until he can at least pretend to be polite. Arguing with him or with your mother does nothing - you can simply say "I don't agree" and drop it. Refuse to be drawn into an argument.
Complaining and negative responses can easily become habits. I would suggest you tell your mom that her 'ant' (automatic negative responses) have become so bad that people no longer want to be around her. Yes, she will use that as an opening to whine and moan, but she will hear you regardless. If she could learn that she CAN change her outlook, that would be ideal, but it isn't your job to lead her along that path. Give her resources (counselor and/or physician help to get started) and then just focus on YOU. My mother complains and gossips about others - occasionally I let her vent, but more often than not if she is simply basking in the deliciousness of negativity, I tell her that I would rather discuss or do something positive instead. Sometimes she agrees, other times she leaves in a huff or is obviously insulted, but those are her issues. She knows where the line is (unless I am her current target such as right now) and it is up to her to choose what to do about it.
I have experienced major depression, and it makes you irritable, venomous and just awful to others. She may well recognize what she is doing and hate herself for it. Let her know she needs to CHOOSE to get past this and that it is possible with the right tools. Then take a step back, refuse to get involved in her black cloud, and go take a walk in the sunshine of your life.
Arguing does not help anything, and only upsets you. She will take attention anyway she can get it - arguing or otherwise. Narcissists want people to center on them, and often feel that they have it worse than anyone else, that they are special and require special treatrment - have a sense of entitlement. Being negative may draw you, and others in. She doesn't want to feel better, she doesn't want problems solved, she craves attention, Has she has always been narcissistic? If so it is a serious illnesss, and not treated easily. Most do not recognise that they have a problem as they see whatever it is as everyone else's problem.
You can only change you. Anger and resentment hurts you, nor her. Counselling may be helpful for you. I have gone off and on throughout my life to help me deal with my family. Certainly the support of others who understand, as you will get here for the most part. is really important, and also learning about it as you can from websites (as mentioned above) or from books - eg "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone you Care About has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.
Try setting some limits and see if it helps you, and let us know how it works out.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) Joan
Anyway, I LOVE the FOG (Fear, Guilt and Obligation) abbreviation. This is very helpful.
For me, strong, strong boundaries keep me from arguing with her now. I also tell her that her behavior is getting abusive when it is. Still. She's my Mom. I do care about her and want her to live her life with dignity. My Mom complains that no one helps her also. She is well taken care of in her facility. A bather comes and gives her a bath twice a week, at home nursing visits. I had to hire someone to grocery shop for her 2 hours a week - From Mom's view I could never "Get it right..."
Thanks again for this thread. One thing that helps me mitigate any projected shameful feelings is to simply state the truth back. So an example is, "you didn't call before you came by." response, "yes, that is true I didn't call". said with love of course, always aiming for an extra loving approach. after all, I think she is not well mentally of course.
My mother has stirred up so much stuff amongst family members and never ever apologized to the point that those who can have distanced themselves tremendously. What a perfect world to have me step in and take care of her! Sons/DIL, grandkids -- none of them have any obligations now. Just me - the only living daughter whom she has only ever found useful for 'needs'. She is only happy when someone is completing a task she deems necessary. Then - it's only okay if you spend the very least of any monies necessary.
I work full time. We live in a small town which has no gym, no movies, nothing to really be a close distraction or respite for me. It's 16 miles into the largest town for any shopping etc. We do yard work - day and night. She likes pulling weeds and doesn't feel you are a valuable person unless you've been some sort of productive each and every day. SO - after my 8 hr day at the computer, I make sure there is dinner and I work until dark in the yard.
Anyway - I really do not want to be a negative Nelly.
I don't want to be a whiner. I am disappointed in myself because I can't do the job without feeling sorry for myself and rather hurt that none of the other family members are ever around to share the load.
I am so afraid I am becoming just like her, only my kids won't be there when it's my time to need help.
Venting does help, and also hearing the stories others tell. You do have to be careful to look after yourself. As others have said - they will suck the life out of you if you let them. Laughter is good too!
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Joan
To answer some Q's she's always been depressed and narcissitic...she's just worse now. She was working full time until last year (she's 83!) and then her whole life changed when she fell and broke her pelvis. She literally walked and crawled around for 2 days before she told anyone (me) she had a "slight pain in her toe" (I live in NYC she and dad live in CT). My dad lives at home but she HIDES her condition and then blames him for not noticing (he also still works outside the home). She is pathologically afraid of being "dependent" (though she is the most co-dependet person I know) and LITERALLY thinks and will talk about how she is all alone in life. For example, I drove her to the hospital and once she tried to re-tell ME her sad story of how no one was helping her and she had to drive herself to the hosptial..etc. etc....
I heard stories my whole life about how she did everything all alone, how my dad ignored her etc. As an adult I have come to realize that ALL of these stories are her fiction. Everyone including my dad is kind and helpful...but all she ever does is see what people don't do, all she remembers is the one person in a situation who may have been unkind, she is determined to be the victim
We don't really "argue" now...what has changed is that I correct her version of the truth EVERY time. I can't stop myself....yesterday since she was feeling better she actually cooked. My dad said he was happy and she said don't get used to it, I cooked for everyone my whole life (she cooked for the family when we were young but hasn't done it for over 20 years). So I said, yea, that was 20 years ago...and dad has been doing it ever since.
Anyway, I could go on and on and on and on....it feels good to vent...but at the same time it makes me feel guilty. I do love my mom...and worry about her...and do everything I can to help...without trying to upset my own life too much...still learning....
Thanks again to everyone....wishing you all HUGS and laughter in your lives!!!
Another characterisitc of this disorder relates to sonething you wrote - they have a sense of abandonment. If I spoke about going on a trip, by mother would create a crisis. Once I -lanned to visit my oldest son in a city a few hours drive away from mother (I liv e at a distance from her)
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