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She gets very anxious. I wish that my cousin and her dad would "see the light" that traveling makes my aunt much much worse. She barricaded herself in the hotel room (earlier this year, during a 3 day, close to home trip.) My uncle and cousin and in denial to a point, and my cousin can not afford this week long vacation without her dad paying. I have tried many times to explain that this idea is not fair to my aunt and bordering on abuse, but what can I do? My uncle wants to spend time with his 6 yr old grandson, but the "cost" to my aunt seems extreme. Is there a way to contact a social worker, quietly?

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I'm confused.

Is the plan for Aunt (who has dementia), her husband, her daughter, and daughter's 6-yo son to go on a cruise together?

If Aunt has stress over traveling, why don't Uncle, Daughter, and Grandson go on a cruise together, and with the money they save by not buying Aunt a cruise ticket, pay for good respite care for her?

Have they discussed their planned trip with her doctor?

My husband and I took two cruises while he had dementia. Many caregivers in my support group have traveled with their demented loved ones -- a few months ago one traveled to Europe (they had other adult family members along who helped with the care.) But it is a highly individual decision. Not everyone who has dementia has to refrain from traveling, but not everyone with dementia can handle it, either.

I don't know what you can do, other than discuss it with your uncle, and raise the option of at-home respite care for Aunt.
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You can always try to contact a social worker. They may do an investigation. I'm not sure if they would prevent her from going on a cruise if her family is accompanying her and there is no proof the child is being left in her care. Still, I would be alarmed too. She should not be left alone with the child.

I think that I might appeal to the husband. Remind him that if she were to have an emergency on the ship and has to be air lifted off, they could charge him for the costs. And how would the rest of them get back to care for her? It would be a mess. Have they thought of that?

They must not know much about dementia, but to me....taking a dementia patient on a cruise is a horrible idea. Nothing about it makes sense to me. They will eventually see why it's a bad idea. I just hope your aunt and the child don't get harmed in the process.
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Would it be possible for you to go stay with her at her home while they are taking the cruise?
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If they persist
1. Someone has to be with her at ALL times, even is she is taking a midday nap, even if it means missing a cruise excursion, dinner or show.
2. They MUST get trip insurance for her. Her regular insurance will not cover the medical needs, trip insurance will also cover if she needs to be brought back home.
3. Beware, if the cruise company notices there is something seriously wrong as she boards, they may refuse her boarding - they want to prevent a medical emergency.
4. Make sure you bring all her meds, including anxiety medication.

I agree with the prior posters, I believe this is an individual decision. I would only consider this, if I thought she could enjoy it, if she does not have that ability, I would not drag her along. It is no fun to have to be alert to a person who can potentially wander off or hurt themselves at any moment. She is the responsibility of the family, not the crew.
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Honestly, I think this would be a disaster as well as cruel. I think she could become so disoriented and possibly frightened that it would just make her miserable.

Why doesn't the cousin just go alone? It really isn't fair to drag your aunt along with them. I think they really are in denial.

I hesitate to state this but it's the first thing I thought of: confusion and disorientation so intense she tries to escape, through or over the railing. Or as she did before, barricades herself in a room....any room perhaps, and no one knows where she has wandered.

If you're involved at with her care, a call from one of her doctors might help your cousin and uncle realize this is a very, very bad idea.
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Lala, if your uncle wants to see his Grandson, why doesn't he pay for the family to come to his house. That would make more sense. That way the daughter can take care of Mom in Mom's own home, while Uncle takes the Grandson out to play or go fishing, or whatever. I know it won't be the "Love Boat" environment, but it would be a lot safer, even for the 6 year old.
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Not sure about this, there are places that will do respite care for a week while everyone is away. My Mom is not a wanderer but tends to have the afternoon sun downing and I would not try a cruise with her.
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Sorry, niece, no one is asking for your opinion. Nothing is more hurtful to a full time caregiver than a well-meaning outsider telling everyone what to do. If you live in the same neighborhood, if you can offer your own self to stay with your aunt, if you wish to pay for your cousin's trip, offer money or time, but your aunt is their responsibility, not yours.
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I've taken my husband on two cruises, but with a large family group so that someone was with him at all times. The cruise lines do not want someone who is unable to follow orders to evacuate the ship to be on board. Explain this to your uncle and find the phone numbers of a few memory care facilities that offer overnight respite care in his area.
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It's a known fact that persons with dementia reach a stage where they should not be removed from their environment. They become confused & disoriented and are very uncomfortable. Your aunt has reached this point. I consider this abusive on the uncle's part to take her out of her normal environment and on a cruise which will be so very alien & confusing to her. She's already shown she can't deal with this by barricading herself in her hotel room...she reduced her exposure to the frightening & unknown by reducing her world down to just her hotel room.

The best solution is to have someone care for her where she currently lives. Second best is a placement in a small, secure environment with the same routine every day and supervision & experienced dementia caregivers. This IS YOUR BUSINESS because of the elder abuse issue. Your uncle is no doubt well intentioned and just not understanding the situation. Research this site & others to find and print the information that explains how your aunt shouldn't be forced to go on a cruise. She's a sick woman and a cruise is not appropriate. Try to get your uncle to understand by showing him the information.

If your uncle remains unconvinced, call her Dr. to see if s/he will talk to your uncle on your aunt's behalf. Try to find advisory persons before reporting potential abuse. Our local police dept. has a person who handles these kinds of elder issues, and a separate "Aging Wisely" group is in our area also. Look for these type of groups to help you. If all else fails, call a local elder abuse agency to act for your aunt. Be prepared that your uncle will know that you called. This is a tough thing to do. I sincerely hope you can get your uncle to understand.
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sounds like they are selfish and don't want to change plans because they won't be able to do what they want to do, even if it means your aunt is suffering. what happens if she has such a panic attack that she hurts herself or someone else by accident, are they willing to pay the consequences? I am sure that they can take a cruise some other time after they have made plans on how the aunt can be taken care of. depending on how far out this cruise is, somehow a doctor should be informed and he can say whether or not she is capable of handling such a major change. this can be very frightening for them, unless they are willing to have her by their side every step of the way (which like someone said, they might have to miss some of the events on the cruise).
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Someone would have to watch her constantly. I doubt she would have a good time because of her condition, and I don't think anyone else would either. Sitting in her room or going on a cruise would all be about the same for her, unfortunately. Although familiar surroundings might be more comfortable for her. At this point, the main concern should be her safety.
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HI ...if you talk of her that way..and being on a boat/ship..that would be scary.
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Get her on some anti-anxiety anti-depressants.
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Also...I hope they are NOT leaving her alone??? Are they?
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A cruise? Totally out of the question. Dementia patients go into a panic in unfamiliar surroundings, including planes, boats and trains. NO GO. That money would be better spent getting her a sitter at home.
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I wonder if the cruise line knows about her condition. I don't think they would be amused. It's such a huge liability. Dementia patients can be unpredictable. What if she jumped overboard or pushed someone else? It's so risky. I can't imagine what her husband is thinking about.
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This is an all around BAD idea. And Coloresue is absolutely right that this IS your business. Your aunt's dementia has already proven that she should not be traveling unnecessarily. And on a ship this is far more likely to be a life and death issue, should she wander away from the cabin during the night, while the rest of the family is asleep. No one can be observing her 24/7. They all have to sleep sometime. And to throw in a few other thoughts here, having cruised many times, I have to ask: how's your aunt's balance these days? It's extremely common for dementia patients to be very unsteady walking, even on floors that don't move beneath their feet like on a ship. And they have very poor decision making skills, like avoiding slippery floors near the pool, holding the rails on the beautiful glass staircases, not leaning over railings on balconies or in the ships atrium. Plus the overwhelming input of brilliant lights and exciting stimuli is guaranteed to freak her out. And while the idea of buying travel insurance is a good one, (I never, ever cruise without it), I wouldn't bet the bank that they will pay for ANYTHING precipitated by your aunt dementia. The dementia is a pre-existing condition and unless you buy the insurance in the first 7 to 10 days after making deposit, preexisting conditions are not covered. (Unless you carefully buy special features at twice the price) And even then, I would read the fine print very, very carefully to determine if the dementia nullifies certain coverages.

Besides it's obviously NOT a pleasure trip for her. And won't be for anyone else if some unfortunate incident happens. The idea of offering to stay with her, at her home, while your uncle and his grandson have a trip together would be a wonderful thing, and incredibly generous, IF it would fit into your life, and if you are capable of being the caregiver for the week.

Good luck.
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A second thought, I wonder if there will be enough for the 6 year old to do to keep himself busy on the cruise. Guess it depends on the cruise, most cruises are geared for adults.

Hope the Grandfather has checked to be sure that there will be things for the child to do, and that the ship offered kid menus. Will the 6 year old wait patiently for dinner to be served in the formal main dining room? Sometimes it could be an hour wait.

Plus either the Grandfather or the child's mother will have to watch him the whole cruise.... kids shouldn't be left to roam a ship which is the size of a small city with hundreds, if not thousands, of strangers on-board.

Doesn't sound like much of a fun trip... watching Junior, plus watching the Aunt. Both could wander off.
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Why on earth do they want to take your aunt on a cruise if she has no idea where she is, nor would she remember it?

I agree with Ismiami---If they're insistent on going on a cruise, then either your uncle, cousin or a hired attendant MUST BE WITH HER 24/7. On the trip where she barricaded herself in the hotel room, that only could have happened if she was left alone. A cruise ship is like a floating city that houses about 3,500 people (if not more), with several deck levels. If your aunt got lost, it would be virtually impossible to find out what room she is in & get her back to your uncle. If she walks off the ship when it is docked in port & wanders someplace, the cruise ship isn't going to wait until she is found. They have an itinerary, and waiting for a woman with Alzheimer's that shouldn't have been on a cruise in the first place isn't on it. That cruise ship is going to leave, sail on to the next port, and your uncle, cousin & kid will be left on the island to find her & figure out what they're going to do.

They're "in denial to a point"? It sounds more like they're selfish & don't care. Your cousin (that cannot even afford to go on a cruise) should grow up & start supporting herself instead of relying your uncle to pay her way. It sounds like she is a spoiled brat, most likely made that way by your uncle & aunt. However, as the niece, there is very little you can do about it. If they go on the cruise, come home & tell you about the horrible time they had because your aunt got lost & they couldn't find her, etc., tell them to "talk to the hand" because you don't want to hear it. Maybe they need to hear you say that what they are doing is a very selfish act, and if something happens to her, it's going to be their fault.

Maybe what they need is to go on the cruise & see how it is. They're going to be the ones that have to find her if she gets lost, figure out what to do if she gets hurt or sick, and explain to the authorities why they took a woman with severe Alzheimer's on a cruise & didn't supervise her. Perhaps one experience like that will teach them their lesson.

It's hard to be in the extended family & watch this stuff happen. But, she ultimately is not your responsibility.
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No, I would say that a cruise would definitely be out of the question for a person who wanders. I shudder to think what if she went overboard?
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OP, they're not in denial, they're selfish.

They can't put what is best for your aunt over their own desires, selfish.

I highly doubt the cruise line would be thrilled about this. You might want to mention the liability factor to your uncle. Tell him if his wife attacks someone or does anything that could interrupt the cruise he is liable.

Since he is too selfish to think about her first, knowing he could get sued if she attacks another passenger or a crew member, might be enough to jolt him into reality.
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Lalafair22,
Irishboy brought up an idea for me...you can call the cruiseline and tell them about your aunt's problems if your uncle keeps insisting she's going. The cruise line itself may notify your uncle that they don't think it's safe to have her on board and politely refuse to allow her to come. Again, your uncle will probably know you called them. Not desirable, but your aunt could be injured or even lost or die going overboard or wandering on shore. The cruise line won't want this kind of responsibility and it's not fair to them to bring your aunt on board without prior notice.
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Freqflyer, While this is not on topic, having enough for a six year old to do on a cruise is definitely NOT a problem. There will be plenty. True, some cruise lines cater to them more than others, but the little guy will have a great time. As for the meal situation, most cruise ships have what they call Personal Choice dining (aka, Freestyle Dining, or As You Like Dining) which basically means you eat when and in whichever dining room you like; and you sit with just your group, or with others people as you choose. Also, even with traditional dining, they encourage early seating for folks with kids, and the waiters are well versed in the needs of the kids, which often includes bringing their meals sooner, so they finish just as the children's program people show up to take them to after dinner activities, (if that is what the parent wishes) Children's menus always available on all the cruises I've done so far. The problem will be that the adults will want to enjoy everything the ship has to offer, including the things they would do with the little one, and that may be extremely difficult with a dementia patient in tow. (FWIW, I've been on 25 cruises so have some experience with this..)
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I took my mom out of town when she was still living at home and not "that" bad yet. It was almost a disaster. My father didn't get any sleep in the hotel room. She stayed awake all night and thought someone was trying to get in the room. I personally wouldn't take her not even if there were other family members or friends around to help. Wouldn't want to put that on anyone who has paid for a nice trip. I thought the idea about them bringing the family here was a good idea and also about with the money being saved on her ticket let her stay in a facility where she can be watched 24 hours a day and where people who know how to handle dementia do it everyday. They will handle her anxiety and redirect her doing other things. I see it in my mother's facility all the time. When newbies come in they are disoriented at first and then they start to feel comfortable. And let me speak to puttheknifeaway......sometimes caregivers ARE blind because they are with it 24/7 to the obvious where an outsider can see what's needed. OR uncle could be a jerk and is going no matter what or who gets in his way. We just don't know the whole story. Good luck to you lalafair and I hope you can talk him out of it. God Bless....
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A family friend has taken his wife with Alzheimer's on three cruises. She gets stressed when hubby is not around so he did not want to leave her with anyone else. The cruises were a way for hubby to get a break from the daily grind of household chores and relax a bit, while still caring for his wife. The cruise staff were aware of the wife's condition and helped to keep an eye out for her in case she wandered off. In your uncle's situation, a check with the cruise line ahead time for the kind of help or restrictions they have can be done ahead of time. If he has he money to pay for other family members to join them then this is all the better. I have seen people with all kinds of disabilities board cruises, for some this is one of the few ways they and their caregivers can travel and get some much needed respite.
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One more consideration about going on a cruise is that of getting to the embarkation city. If they live close enough that a normal length car ride will be enough, that's good. But likely it'll mean either a plane flight, or a very long drive. I used to drive Mom, and later Dad, to all their appointments. Even with the dementia, these drives were little problem for a long time. But we tried longer (2 and half hour) drives to visit my brothers in another city. With both parents there came a time that had to stop, and with each it was unanticipated. There we were driving 70 miles per hour down I-71 when Mom opens the door. It was a struggle to get that door closed, with much yelling and shouting. Hubby was able to press the "lock all doors and windows" button, but the agitation and struggling continued. With Mom refusing to put his seat belt back on, and demanding to be allowed to get out, trying to reach over from the back seat to grab the wheel and yanking on driver's seat belt, and pulling it across my husband neck . Nearly caused a wreck. And even with that experience, we were surprised when Dad pulled the same stunt just last June. I could have sworn he hadn't gotten that confuse yet. I was wrong, and that was Dad's last ever trip to visit my brother. .....They really need to think this thing through.
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I think she said that they get their vacation paid for by their aunt's husband...if they take her. Sounds like he needs a break too???
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I skimmed the posts and I agree, use the money for respite. This isn't fair to the Aunt. As the people taking her, how can u have a good time. I find that my Mom doesn't enjoy things like she used to and she is only good for about an hour when she has company or visits.
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I'm thinking more of the aunt than if he has the money for all the family to go. A lot of us have seen our loved ones become very agitated and not in control when their schedules have been changed and they are not in their comfort zones. When I would take my mom out shopping just to let my dad have some time by himself she would become very antsy and want to go home after just an hour. And that's when she wasn't even very bad yet. My mother in law knew us and our house when she was good but when she got a little bit worse she got up in the middle of the night and went to use the restroom and went into a closet. I just wouldn't do it to someone who gets disorientated or agitated when they are not where they are comfortable. I don't care who is taking care of them or who is paying for it. That's just cruel.
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