Husband and I are aging gracefully in our 50 yr. old home, but finding chores more difficult as time passes. Our childless son & daughter-in-law have suggested we move into a "in-law suite" on their property (to be built or purchased with their funds). We are weighing the pros and cons.
You don't indicate your age and I am wondering if you are "active lifestyle" seniors or homebodies.
I could see the in-law suite being an advantage to your son when you and your husband are no longer there -- rental income for them, either long-term or airbnb-type income.
Would they be the landlord? Are you going to contribute to the new build or are you going to build the new house with your own funds? If so, how much? As cold as it might sound because he's your son, you must discuss all of these things.
Best wishes!
You and your husband need to sit down and make a solid plan for your aging selves that is realistic and includes what will happen IF one or both of you become bedbound, develops dementia, incontinence, can no longer drive or cook a meal and all the various, ungraceful aging worst case scenarios that might arise in the future. Carefully consider the financial and emotional implications of those scenarios.
Only you and your husband can understand your own family dynamics and how that might play out. And only you and your husband know what type of financial situation you are facing.
The emotional toll of caring for or housing a parent can be overwhelming, and there are so many stories on this forum about good intentions that turned into absolute nightmares. And you need to consider any other players - do you have other children or family that might resent this arrangement? I might consult with an attorney to see what advice they might have. I did, when I first started managing my mother’s finances, and it was very helpful.
Okay, now that the ugly part of aging and living with family has been addressed, I really hope everything works out. As I stated in the beginning some people are very successful in making an arrangement like this work. Plan for the worst and expect the best.
Best wishes
Will you have privacy, such as your own bath, bedroom and kitchen?
It can work out to move with adult children as long as ground rules have been established in the get-go. These should be in writing. The expectation that visits still must be on an invite procedure. Neither you or your son should just pop in on the other excluding if emergency arises.
I know of several people who this works out very well for them.
Best wishes
On this forum there are lots of parents that are "me, me, me" when children have their own responsibilities. They can't be your entertainment. Can't be at your beck and call. I have a school friend that lives with son and DIL. Her and husband take care of the children while son and DIL work. It seems to work for them.
If you want to see real resentment build, go ahead & ask your childless son to use his own funds to build you an in law suite on his property and then figure out how to care for you and your husband when you are no longer so 'graceful' and need care 24/7.
My husband & I have 7 children between us and we'd rather swallow a bunch of pills chased with a good bottle of whiskey than burden them with us in our old age. True story. On paper, it sounds so simple and lovely. In reality, it's a living nightmare for these children.
I can tell you this: I am an only 'child' myself at almost 64 years old, in full charge of both of my parents in their old age. I had to move them to my city back in 2011 when dad could no longer drive; I set them up in a lovely Independent Living apartment where they lived for 3 years until dad fell & broke his hip, requiring an emergency move into Assisted Living for both of them. He passed in 2015 and I've been managing my 94 y/o mother's entire life ever since; she now has advanced dementia and lives in Memory Care; has been in and out of hospitals, rehabs, doctor's offices, specialists, eye doctors, dentists, ENT doctors for vertigo, you name it, I've dealt with it. Alone. THIS is what your son and DIL will be facing with you and your DH whether you live on his property or in Assisted Living. It's just that with AL, they'll have their privacy and be able to get away from the 24/7 aspect of caregiving a bit more and not have to do the hands on part of it. Being an only child is difficult enough as it is, never mind having 2 parents living with you.
There are about 2 pros and about 2 million cons to your idea. Just keep reading this forum for the best education you'll ever get on the subject. And start looking into nice Assisted Living residences in the area instead, where the two of you can live with dignity & grace, and where your son & daughter in law can visit you as often as they'd like. That's a win-win situation for everyone
Good luck!
So, you have all these small to mid size contractors charging ridicululous amounts of money for additions or remodeling, offering some pipe dream hope you would be allowed to stay in place. Then there are SW and agencies ruled by the mighty dollar telling you you have rights not giving a crap about what you or your families needs really are. My question is why would you even consider allowing your children to use savings or take a loan out to provide you with a suite? If you were in such great shape, why would they offer? Funds from the sale of a home can be used for a senior aparment or AL.
You know at St Patricks Day Shamrock shakes always sound good but you feel like crap eventually and they cause issues.
If this building was being put up for you at their expense then to my mind it is an automatic "no". That is way too much to let someone else do for me.
Do your son and dil look forwatd to being at your beck and call for burned out light bulbs and taking down the summer clothes? Or would you rather be able to have staff on call?
When you can no longer drive, do you want to be dependent upon son and dil for transport to doctors, religious services and haircuts? Or would you rather rely on a facility with on call or scheduled transport?
When food prep becomes an issue, do you want to have a dining room, bistro and snack bar at your doorstep, or will you rely on your kids' cooking and meals on wheels?
What is your plan when the kids want to travel to Europe for a month? Or when one of you develops dementia and needs more care?
My cousin invited his parents to live with them. The parents built onto the house, a second floor.
My cousin divorced his wife. The wife got the house. Their daughter in law no longer wanted them there.
Sad, but these things do happen. I don’t think that I would want to move in with family members. You never know what lies ahead.
They spent thousands on the addition. They didn’t get any money back from the addition after moving out of the home. They had nothing in writing about how to handle the situation if a divorce occurred or if the house was to be put up for sale, etc.
My cousins took a chance and they were sorry that they decided to move in with family.
Have you thought of an assisted living facility or an independent living facility? Possibly an apartment for seniors? What kind of care will you need?
It’s a crap shoot. May work out. May not. I wouldn’t do anything without planning ahead. Things happen that we don’t even consider happening. There has to be a plan. If an addition is not built, will parents pay rent? Who pays for the addition and so on? Is a portion of the money refunded if parents move out? So much to consider! Children can’t be expected to foot the bills for their parents care.