Both parents-in-laws living together under the same roof? With us?

Sorry you are dealing with this. I am a bit confused. Who owns the house, as in whose name(s) is on the deed. If it is you and/or your husband, it is YOUR house. Even if it's just your husband, it's still your house as you are married. Your husband seems to be supportive of your need to change careers, which is great, but not exactly "selfless" to agree to let his wife stay in their home while figuring our her next career move. It's how marriages work.

Are any of the four parents living with you paying anything toward the household? Both sets should be contributing equally (not necessarily monetarily, depending on their finances). If everyone involved is able bodied, the household chores should be balanced according to ability.

I agree, a family meeting should be in order. Figure out fair division of everything. Just because you aren't currently working doesn't mean you should do it all. I'm retired, and my husband is not. Doesn't mean he gets off scott free around the house. I certainly do more, as I'm home all day, but he still has to help out.

Best of luck!

First thing that I would do is have a house meeting and get everyone paying their fair share and get the housework and chores divided so that no one is feeling like a maid. This doesn't mean you are there to help, it means it is your responsibility to get it done and everyone contributes to it.

I think that you are married to your mom and that is a very bad situation for your husband. You are thinking about divorcing him because your mom is chewing on you about your MIL. What?

You say that they are all living with you guys, yet your parents seem to be running the show. Who actually owns the house? Who actually pays the mortgage? Most importantly whose name is on the deed and title? This situation is a perfect example of how not to start a marriage.

I kinda side with your husband. He is living in his house, he should be able to help his mom. If this isn't his house and it is really your parents then you need to clarify the situation. He should be respected enough by you to know the truth about his home.

You don't honestly think that his mom is going to side with you about her not being able to live in her sons home do you?

Who is she paying rent to and does it cover the cost of her being there? If not, that needs to be addressed by her son. However, are your parents paying their fair share or do they believe that the help provided covers their living there for the rest of their lives at you and your husbands expense?

From what you described it appears that your parents are head of household. If you don't want to remain with your husband then grow up and tell him so that he can make choices. If you want to work it out you are going to have to tell your mother to sit down and shut up. Who treats someone staying in their home like they are an unwanted guest when it is the mother of someone you profess to love? If she really loves him she will be kind to his mom and be willing to work this out until she can get back on her feet.

Be prepared to pay your husband his share of equity in the house. He is entitled to it since he has been paying the mortgage.

I really hope that you take an honest look at what is really going on, who is really the home owner and what you can do to be gracious to your MIL. Because he will never feel kindly towards your parents ever again if you and they force his mom out. So think about it.

Mm. The thing about language barriers is that they are never just a matter of words. Different languages = different cultures = different expectations. Nobody's right, nobody's wrong because of it, but it does mean that the five adults currently under one roof have more to do than the average family when it comes to reconciling everybody's needs.

I can't form any opinion. Not even about the job. I'd take your word for it - toxic job, for heaven's sake leave and get another - except for the "...we think it is time..." part. Who's "we"? And in what way toxic?

Call me an old cynic, but I have met more ladies than I care to count whose jobs have been discarded because they took time and commitment away from, how can I put it, other parties who believed they deserved the time and commitment.

One lady I was particularly fond of blamed her fiancé's infidelity on her job. It was, apparently, all the job's fault. The job made him do it, your honour - the poor lamb felt so left out and lonely, you see. She went right ahead and married the man anyway. I noticed her maiden name on Linked In not long ago but of course you can't read too much into that.

Anyhoooooo.

How long have you been married?
Which side is the non-English speaking family, yours or his?
When you say uncertain circumstances, do you mean you don't understand what they are or that you're not sure if or when they will become clear/resolve?
Are you thinking of kicking him and his mother out? - and remaining with your parents? You can't feel that indebted to him, then!

It all seems a bit of a muddle. What's your mother's main beef with your ma-in-law?

What would you *like* to happen?

So your husband and you offered his mom a space in your home. But you have co owners who did not agree to an extra person being added to the resident list. When you discuss that with him, your husband becomes angry. Have I got it?

In my experience men do not like to discuss problems they can't solve. I'm not saying they won't, just that they would rather chew aluminum foil.

So I would suggest that you and your husband find a family counselor to help you discuss this. You can find people who will do virtual meetings. Your husband needs to hear this problem without hearing "you need to throw your mom out on the street." Which is what I think he might be hearing when you say "My mother has a problem with our new arrangement."

Also, I think you are bearing too much of the angst here. You didn't do anything wrong. Your mom is not wrong to object to an addition to the family and your husband wasn't wrong to offer his mother a bed in his home when she didn't have one. Everyone acted in good faith. You didn't do anything wrong at all. You would have this same problem if you were bringing in the money for the mortgage and not your husband. His mom needed a place to stay and your husband and you have a home.

If family counseling isn't possible, maybe you can ask your husband how he is feeling about having an extra member in the house and just listen. I'm willing to bet this arrangement isn't his first choice either. You say you want to discuss this with him. Maybe he'd like someone to listen to him too. You are a team.

You aren't in charge of making your mother happy with this arrangement. It's not your job. It's unfortunate, but frankly, your mom is the one who suggested this arrangement originally. You said you hope to have children. So adding other members of the family was part of the original deal, right? She just didn't expect it to be another mother.

Approach this problem by your husband's side. That's my advice.

Mindlessbrain, it sounds to me like no one has good conflict resolution skills. You talk about your MIL not having a job, so I'm guessing she are still relatively young, maybe early 60s? Parents have an income source - job, SS, or pension? Who do you see paying the mortgage if you "leave the relationship"? How will you compensate your husband for his equity in the house?

I'm not much of an advocate of leaving a marriage because there are problems. First you work on resolving the problems. If during the process of working on problem resolution, you find characteristics of your spouse you didn't see before, maybe then you decide the marriage is not sustainable in the long term.

Although your mother has a solid basis for a complaint about your MIL basically freeloading (since MIL is not contributing and your mother invested money in the purchase of the home and is now covering most of the monthly expenses), that does not give your mother some kind of right to "go off" and verbally and perhaps emotionally abuse other members of the household. Maybe she's taking this path because she feels early and more low keyed airings of her concerns were ignored? What ever the reason, this behavior needs to stop ASAP.

I understand your husband wanting to include his mother in your home, but that didn't give him a right to bring her into the home for an indefinite period without agreement from the other stake holders, particular when MIL is not contributing to monthly expenses. If that's what happened, then he needs to accept this was a mistake and apologize to you and your parents. Remember one of the adjustments to marriage is learning certain choices no longer have single decision makers and many husbands/wives make a similar mistake. Your parents have an absolute right to feel taken advantage of if they are expected to cover expenses for someone they never agreed could join the household or asked and appreciated for taking up the extra load.

You, your parents, and your husband need to negotiate both a short term and a long term plan. First step is probably agreeing MIL cannot stay indefinitely without at least covering her portion of the living expenses. Maybe you need to find a new job even without the career change to ease some of the financial stress - could your husband cover his mother's portion of monthly expenses if he wasn't paying the mortgage? The long term plan should include MIL moving out so what things need to happen to make that possible - she finds a job, qualifies for SS, moves in with other family member?

Don't start a discussion when you are upset and have just taken a grilling from your mother. Schedule a time when you and your husband are both calm and can talk without interruption for 30-60 minutes. You might want to consider finding some spot away from the house for this discussion. If you cannot find somewhere with a table, maybe just parking the car somewhere would work. Work at approaching this as a team. Maybe start making a list of problems (without any attempt at assigning blame to any of them) you both see. Discuss whether someone has a logical basis for a complaint (like you mother supporting MIL) and then trying to come up with options to lessen or resolve that complaint/issue.

If the two of you cannot have a reasonable discussion or resolve issues by yourselves, please consider engaging a mediator or investing in some couples counseling to develop better communication in your marriage. Men often feel "attacked" when stating a problem exists so make sure you approach this as _our_ little mess. I think your husband made at least one significant mistake contributing to your problems, but so has your mother and I'm sure you have too. The goal should not be placing blame nearly as much as finding solutions.

Good luck!

Oh boy! I am still confused. This house is yours? You and husband are on the deed only? All your parents did was help with the down payment?

It looks like because your parents helped with the down payment, Mom thinks she owns the house too. And there seems to be a cultural thing here. I would love to know your ages. Makes a difference in how we answer your questions. Best solution, everyone get a place of their own. But that is easier said than done, huh. And now this virus.

If possible, you and husband need to go for a drive. Find a little off the road place where you can talk. Start by saying you don't want to fight but you need to both figure out what you are going to do about you all living together. If you are young, you deserve your privacy. I would not bring kids into this mix. Having 3 adult women in one household is not good.
Was ur Mom and Dad living there a permanent thing?

I know this will not be easy.

I would sell the house and pay back your parents. Once the house is sold, everyone find their own rental. Don’t buy another house until you and your husband can pay your own down payment and bills.

OMG, I feel for you and your husband. You and your husband have one heck of a mess on your hands. I must say from reading, if your marriage is not already in trouble, it will be headed that way soon. I don’t see how you and your husband can spend any time together alone either.

[when I bring this up to my husband, we always ended up fighting and the fight might last a few days.]
Are you complaining to your husband about his mom or you are talking to your husband about your parents? I’m just trying to figure out what conversation are you two having when things pop off?

[so when my mom goes on crazy mode, my mother in law doesn’t really know what she’s yelling about and I’m not sure if she’s being smart enough to get the idea.]
Are you calling your husband’s mom lacking comprehension? Do you think this tone may be coming across to your husband?

[I am just very over this. I don’t know if I should just give my husband the ultimatum or if I should offer to leave this relationship because of my parents.]
Okay, this is ruff and you’re thinking of leaving the marriage? Are you sure the living arrangement is the problem or had something already been brewing? 
Has everyone had a conversation with their own family members in private?

Your husband may feel hurt if you give his mom an ultimatum but then you allow your parents to remain under the care of you both (not so much about house) say if the house wasn’t a factor. Kicking his mom out but not the others may lead to resentment.

I don’t know, this is very, horribly stressful. My stress meter is going up just trying to come up with some ideas.

This is big. You and your husband may need outside help to save the sinking ship – Your Marriage and secondary the relationship with your in-laws.

I would say you and your husband need to get away (he’s feeling something and unheard and so are you) but he may not feel comfortable leaving his mom with your two parents.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

With the profile you have, with your responses to the responses that have been posted by both "Grace and Katie" I do not see the answer to the question I have. And that is:
Why are you now living with your parents and why did his mom move in?
If your parents are capable of caring for themselves why are you there? If his mom is capable of caring for herself why did she move in?
You all need an "exit plan" When can you and your husband return to your house and resume your lives? When can his mom return to her house and resume her life?
You now know that if your parents need long term care this will not work out, if his mom needs long term care again this will not work. If they all need care you need to decide now that all living together is not an option.

It sounds like it is time for you to take a break.

i know this is difficult, but is there any way for you to go visit a friend or relative for a few weeks? Say, at least 2 weeks?

i offer this because if you can...then talk to your parents and husband...tell them , you are way past burn out on all this and you must take a break or you will end up a complete basket case. Tell Mom that her wild yelling and making scenes is driving you nuts. Tell hubby that his complete failure to support you (fights with you instead) has made you emotionally unable to cope. So...you are taking an extend break from all of them. They can work out amount themselves how to solve this and you will make a point of daily contact.

i bet that once they have to live in your shoes they will all be changing their tune. You can talk till you are blue in the face, but putting them in you situation will be the only lesson that will sink in

i agree with Grace, if your parents own part of the house....then they have an equal say in who lives there. I am sure they never would have agreed to help buy a house that would become so hard for them to live in, But,,,,yelling and making wild scenes isn’t fixing anything. You husband should either have his Mom move, or give back the money to your parents.

I think I may be a little confused, did you mean to say that your husband is helping out with the mortgage right now? If this is correct does it mean that he is paying other bills for the household and your were responsible for paying at least a portion of the mortgage prior to giving up your job? If your husbands mother is living there now that should change any arrangements that were made prior to his mother moving in, because she should also contribute if she is living there. If your mother is upset she probably should be because your parents helped you and your husband get a house. If your parents would agree I think that your husband should return the money that your parents contributed towards helping the two of you get the house so they can find another place to live or he should find his mother someplace else to live. Your parents should have a say so because they aren't just living with you they invested their money as well. If any part of what I am saying is incorrect I apologize and please let me know if I am wrong regarding my interpretation of the circumstances. It is also after 6:30 a.m. and I haven't gone to bed yet so my interpretation may be a little fuzzy.