So I've come a long way since last I posted: 1) hired an elder law attorney to handle dad's finances and options for moving out of his apartment to AL, and 2) started the process of looking at Assisted Living Facilities. The law firm recommended 3 that would be in line with dad's finances of SSA/VA benefits. The problem is I've visited 2 of them and find them so darn depressing that I cannot even picture my father living there. They were both clean but both reminded me of an institution. The second one I visitied I noticed all the residents seemed "out of it" or grumpy. I have one more to go but I am already disheartened that my dad will absolutely hate being in one of these places.
And what is with the infantilizing residents with all the childish games/activities? My dad is a total introvert so forget about engaging in any of that stuff - but can't say I would blame him. Also, he is of completely sound mind which really makes me wonder how he would do in an ALF.
Just venting and wondering if anybody thought the same about these places? It just seems to me that these places are god's (or whatever) waiting room. Thanks for the mini-rant.
Mjlarkan also makes a valid point about how the character of a place can change depending on the people living there. I have seen that changes in staff can have a huge effect as well, some people are more capable than others and spend time away from work learning and planning, some go above and beyond while others just put in their 8 hours and hurry out the door.
My Gram lived in a place that had all 3 levels - independent living, assisted living, and total care on the same campus. She had a nice mini apartment for most of her life there, a beautiful dining room/activity room, and she worked as a receptionist in one of the buildings. There are nice places out there!
Activities for residents vary with their abilities and tastes. As Certified Activity Director, I had to provide residents with a variety of choices. Bingo was the most universally favorite activity.(I don't like it, but most residents do). If you look in most communities, there are a lot of Bingo games available to the non-institutionalized! Must be something that appeals to people! All-in-all, I'd say AL pretty nice. But costly. Where I live 3K/monthly on low end. Some AL upward from 6K to over 10K!
Check for a place that has independent and assisted living, ideally that can transition into a (separate but located in the same complex ) memory care . Their residents will probably be more independent. And he won’t have to move when his condition worsens ( our newbie mistake was the first was strictly independent living) Talk to the staff and see what their philosophy is. Who comes first the resident or the staff? I don’t know where you live but we managed to find two very nice places for my mother. We visited every single one in the area so you need to do your homework. We chose the places with the most homelike atmosphere and the most caring staff. Check resident to staff ratio. It should be much higher than legal requirements. Some areas grade facilities or have online reviews although one I noticed had 90% of reviews by staff so check for actual family and resident reviews. It was recommended by the hospital for rehab and was one of the worst imo, very poor communication with family even though it was obvious my mother was hallucinating and out of it. Most newer facilities in my area are set up as apartments with your own furniture so you have a lot of say on how pleasant it is.
I do agree with you that it’s very depressing. I am starting to recognize the signs when someone is nearing the end. I would say if you can get get helpers at home that may be a better way to go until you cannot do that anymore.
And then the cost, which is a turn-off itself. If these places were affordable, we might force ourselves to turn the other way.
If I reach an age when I must go to a facility, I would end my life. Why prolong the inevitable at that stage?
Having toured almost every LTC within 50 miles, I can speak with more knowledge. There were a few LTC facilities that I toured that I found depressing due to the age or layout of the building. As one of the posters mentioned, you can’t always tell the quality of care by the surroundings. There were several much more attractive than the one my parents reside in, but my brother chose that one for my mother’s rehab and she then transferred to the LTC section followed by my father.
Of course, it is not exactly cheering to see so many people with such infirmities and disabilities, but I think it is more difficult for the able-bodied visitors than for the people who actually reside there. My parents don’t seem to see the other residents as depressing and pathetic. With mild to moderate dementia, they are mostly oblivious to what I guess what the outside world would call depressing. My father recently was hospitalized and when he returned, he couldn’t get over how many people asked after him, from residents to staff.
The facility itself is clean, and great effort is taken to decorate for the seasons. The activities that have been described about assisted living facilities by other posters are all included in this nursing home. Last year, my father and others were taken to fish off a pier on the beach. Once a month they go out to a restaurant and every Friday, they can order take-out. I know for a fact that the food is excellent and varied. There are daily activities, and weekly volunteer entertainers. Last month, they added an Elvis impersonator who sang old Gospel hymns. The residents loved him! There is a priest who offers daily communion, and several retired preachers who lead the residents in song during the week and preach on Sunday.
We have not always been pleased with the care they receive at the facility, but they are very open to suggestions and willing to make corrections. I am saddened that so many of the posters don’t have access to excellent facilities like the ones that are so numerous where I live. It’s curious, because I live in one of the poorest states in the country. Maybe it’s because it is a high retirement location.
Not a bad gig! Hahaha
The AL facility that I visited when happy hour was going on had a lot of smiling faces!
I have to ask, was that a fun job? I bet it was.
My dad unfortunately passed while he was in AL. My mom after that went into the nursing home where my sister works. The nursing home is fantastic. Bright, clean, excellent care and mom actually has a smile on her face when I see her.
That being said, the assisted living facilities near me are not at all depressing. The food is good. The facilities are actually very pretty like a fancy hotel or an upscale apartment complex. I’d live in assisted living.
The people who are in reasonable health have lots to do. It isn’t just bingo. They even do field trips. They have card tables, bridge games, poker games, pool tables, library with books, holiday parties, banquet rooms available to rent to host parties and so forth. Musicians playing, dances, luaus, all kinds of themed events. This is New Orleans. We party here! Only people who are not as healthy don’t participate.
There are religious services, Protestant and Catholic. They have beautiful chapels. They have hair salons. Some have swimming pools, gyms, exercise groups, walking paths through beautiful landscaped areas and so on.
The nursing homes are a different story. They are truly depressing with people screaming, “Help me!” Or, “Don’t leave me! I want to go home!” Horrible.
When my mom was at a nursing home for skilled nursing rehab I detested the place. The OT and PT was good but that is all that was good about it. I had to file a complaint about mom being given a double dose of meds due to an LPN being lazy.
The LPN admitted to saying to my mom that she wanted to save another trip back to mom’s room later so gave her a double dose. My mom asked if a double dose of her Parkinson’s meds would hurt her, of course the lazy LPN told her that it wouldn’t hurt her.
I was so upset when mom told me that I called the pharmacist and she said if she was doing that to mom, she was doing it to others and it was my responsibility to report her, which I did. That’s sad and dangerous to alter meds dosages like that.
as far as AL places keep looking you will find the best place which will make you feel comfortable that he is safe and that he will be taken care. I visited 7 ALs prior to deciding on one. One thing that I felt most important was ratio CNA/patient, nurse/patient and make sure there are multiple activities for example activities for all levels, options like library, fitness center, outings, TV room if the rooms are looked during the day, patio area. Are there any patients on wheelchairs setting at nursing stations? Visit the AL at different times of day so you can get a better feel for the place. If your dad is a fall risk what methods they take to prevent, alert in case of falls?
Best wishes to you and your dad and trust me you are not alone.
SEVERAL HOSPITAL VISITS LATER HE WAS ADMITTED TO THE "BEST" REHAB IN TOWN.FAIRLY NEW BUILDING, NICE FURNITURE IN THE LOBBY, ART ON THE WALLS.
HE HAD TO BE TRANSPORTED TO THE LOCAL DIALYSIS CLINIC. ONE NIGHT THE TRANSPORTATION WAS DELAYED. BY THE TIME HE CAME BACK TO RE-HAB HE WAS EXHAUSTED AND HAD A SEIZURE. THE NURSE ON DUTY DID
NOT KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM.
CRYSTAL CHANDELIERS AND BEAUTIFUL SOFAS DO NOT MEAN ANYTHING. STAFF IS THE KEY. THEY WORK VERY HARD WITH LITTLE PRAISE.
IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS A FAMILY MEMBER IN ANY FACILITY CONVENIENT TO YOU ASK TO VISIT. STICK AROUND, OBSERVE AND WHEN POSSIBLE HAVE A SHORT CHAT. MEET WITH MANAGEMENT. DO THEY LIKE WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR IS IT "JUST A JOB".
THINGS I WOULD LOOK FOR ARE AN OUT DOOR PATIO WITH SOME SMALL GARDEN FLOWERS, A GAME ROOM WITH PUZZLES AND A LIVING ROOM AREA WITH A SMALL PHONEY FIRE IN A FIREPLACE.
THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE RESIDENTS DOZING IN WHEEL CHAIRS IN THE HALL WAYS AND A PATIENT CRYING FOR HELP. IT IS IMPERATIVE TO MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY MOVE IN TO THIS WORLD. IT TAKES COURAGE AND UNDERSTANDING.
My advice is depending on the parent personality and your relationship you might try the co-living if you have room and they can manage some one their own. But don’t make yourself sick over it just do your best to do the right thing💗
I'd keep in mind that some of the residents are dealing with various losses, like loss of spouse, health, mobility, etc. That can be a sad time for them.
I'd keep in mind that the activities vary and are designed to meet all levels. Not all residents are able to function 100%, so, they need games, activities that can appeal to most all residents. Playing dodge ball sitting in chairs may sound silly, but, it's a lot of fun and seems to entertain all that play. I used to go to regular AL and just sit in the evenings and chat with the residents. My LO was a resident, but, not able to engage in conversation due to her dementia, but, the other residents really would talk about their day, experiences. They let me know the food was awesome! I even ate there a few times. I thought it was high spirited and positive, especially, when the live singers came to perform in the dining room. You can meet with the activities director and get more information about what they offer.
You can also explore other options. There are some home care facilities that are in an actual house, where there are only 3-6 residents. Some people prefer that kind of environment.