I am the primary caregiver for my 87 year old, severely mentally ill (clinically diagnosed) mother who is starting down the dementia path. We have always had an emotionally estranged relationship -- she was horribly emotionally abusive to me as a child and still is now -- and I have no siblings, and there is really no other family. She is still living alone in an apartment with aides who come and go (she is on community medicaid) and who can do basic stuff for her (laundry, shopping, pharmacy pickup, etc). I am her POA and take care of everything else: finances, her apartment, her health, and I try and do it from a distance because she's utterly horrible. (She stayed with me and my partner during Covid because I wanted her out of NYC and I had a stroke 2 weeks after she went home.)
Some days are fine and some days are awful, and yesterday was hideous, and I hit the wall. I was and am still in full throttle anxiety overdrive to the degree that I can't get my hands to stop shaking.
One of my dearest friends—significantly younger than I with a young and vibrant mom—responds to every text about my mother (my friend reached out to me in this case) with extremely logical and wise suggestions that are just not doable because they're not doable, like giving up POA, which would be INSANE. Today, she said that she had to step back because she feels that I'm spiraling downward and that I seem to want her to hold my hand and pull her down with me, and that I'm triggering her. That response was provoked because I asked her, after she sent me her first "this is what you need to do" text to not lecture, that I just needed to know she was there.
And then it occurs to me: do any of you with younger friends find yourself losing them because they just do not get eldercare???
What then, for your Mother?
She would then be a ward of the state, and they would care for her.
You say that it is insane to think of not being her POA but to me that word would be more appropriately applied to someone who has been abused all their lives, and still is abused, but insists on remaining a caregiver.
You describe yourself as having had a stroke from participating in the attempt to provide for this woman, who without you would be provided for by being in in-facility care. Still you march on.
And yes, people will get tired of the same stories, the same litanies of woe, of giving advice you do not take to extricate yourself from this. They will either not want to hear it, or will feel that hearing it is harmful to themselves. They will leave, and only the paid therapists will be there; it's their job.
That is all the hard truth. Trust me, I understand. Your Mother groomed you for this job all your life and you now cannot imagine not doing it. You took on the POA and once that is done it is difficult to stop it, esp. if the senior has descended into any dementia. It would be a legal process to extricate yourself at this point. HOWEVER, your Mother does have a social worker assigned to her case, and you CAN access that person to tell her that DUE TO YOUR OWN ILLNESS and mental and physical limitations you cannot continue to serve as your Mom's POA, and you would like to resign that position.
I think you are not losing friends because they "do not get eldercare". I think you are losing them because there is no longer any JOY and happiness in your relationships with them. They feel desperate to help and helpless to help. They begin to feel it in their OWN best mental health interests to move on.
I am so sorry for all you are suffering, and all you are doing, and all you are sacrificing. But if I had been raised by an abusive person, partaking of their lives in adulthood simply would not have happened.
Again, I am sorry. I would love to see you seek therapy of a licensed social worker in private practice to sort out choices and options for your life. I know what I have said sounds to you heartless. But I cannot imagine other friends have not told you some of this already.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.
You are right that sometimes "we" as caregivers just need an ear, a shoulder. But you need to start the conversation with..."I just need to vent, I do not need suggestions at this moment" "When I am a bit more centered and focused then I might be able to listen to suggestions" "But right now I just need a safe place to let off steam"
It is difficult sometimes to see what others are going through and not give suggestions. However if those suggestions are coming from someone that has never been a caregiver you can take those suggestions with a grain of salt.
Finding a good in person Support group helps. This group is great but talking to real people in real time does make a difference.
And if you are not seeing a therapist you might want to think about that. Just talking does help.
I don't think your friend ever meant to be hurtful to you but sees you going down a bad path and just can't watch and be a party to it anymore.
Whether it was eldercare or another issue, your friend wants the best for you I'm sure and also deserves more from you than to just be your sounding board.
I hope you don't take these responses as being too harsh. It's called "Tough Love"
But everything you said is true.
I've learned to be more mindful not to share my family situation with the majority of my friends.
Sometimes, people start out as empathetic but reach their quota of listening and feel drained by their friend’s constant struggles.
So, having a healthy balance in a relationship is important.
Everybody is here for us until they realize we're doing absolutely nothing to help ourselves pull out of the quicksand that's rapidly engulfing us. Maybe if you let your friends know your plan to disentangle yourself from your mom's affairs a bit, perhaps then they'd be more available for you.
All this I say with YOUR best interests at heart. Sometimes we have to concern ourselves more with our own well being and leave elders with lifelong mental illness issues to the care of the state. You jumping in to care for her and "save" her prevents her from being placed in managed care where she'd be cared for by teams of people instead of one exhausted daughter.
Best of luck to you.
But you also need to ask yourself …Are you being a very best friend to others? Is being around you exhausting? Your post about your life is very negative. You may respond “well, that is just where I am right now, everything is horrid.”
There are positive things about your life, even now. It isn’t hard to look and find someone with more problems. There are tragedies, wars, severe illnesses, since you live in NY, 9/11 stories, the list is endless. If you pick up just about any paper or magazine (or your cell phone), you can read true life stories of people who have made it through even tougher times than you are surviving right now. Use their examples as inspiration to help you make it through your troubles. Be grateful. .
You need to find the positivity and joy in your own life. If you simply cannot, it is not your mother’s fault, or the universe’s fault, you may need medical help to stabilize your emotions. Talk to your doctor.
And ask yourself, when I call or meet my friend, do I ever stop my downward spiraling soliloquy of my sorrows and anger to ask my friend for one split second, “and how are YOU?”
Send your friend flowers and thank her for helping you see the light. She is a true friend. It is tough to give such feedback. Go to lunch or dinner or for drinks or for a walk and spend the entire time asking her about her -and listening- instead of just talking about yourself. Make this your resolution for all your relationships. Ask about their problems. Care about their cares, Share the stage.
Be a friend and you will have plenty of friends.
I cared for both my parents in the last year, after my dad had an accident that left him paralyzed. My sister helped. I look 10 years older, and my PTSD has gotten worse. My back went out all the time. My sister and I both felt we were losing our minds. Our parents have the financial resources to get help and after my father got worse, and required more hands-on moving last week, we hired caregivers for days and evenings every day of the week, so we could get a break.
You must set yourself free. I hate to tell you that. It's very hard, and there's a lot of anxiety and guilt attached to it. But remember the abuse you suffered as a child, listen to that inner child, she's screaming out for you to take care of her.
Your friend is only mirroring your own fears about your mother that you may not be acknowledging--you are spiraling, you are in trouble, you need to take a step back from your mother who is bringing you down with her.
This is all coming from my heart because I do really know what you're going through. Much love to you and I hope you find peace and are able to release this burden.
The age of the friend or their familiarity with eldercare is irrelevant. Your friend is telling you that yours is a one-sided friendship where you dump your woes on her, ignore her suggestions, and expect her to carry your monkey on her back while dealing with what her own life brings. In short, your friendship is a one-sided "shut and listen to me complain as I refuse to change my circumstances" relationship.
That's not a friendship, that's a therapist, and you aren't even paying her. I'd be done with you, too. (And yes, I've been in your friend's situation before, and I, too, walked away.)
I understand you have a terrible situation, but I suggest you do get some therapy and work on resolving your problems and working to fix your friendship if you value it.
I suggested therapy for the OP in an earlier post.
Sometimes, a person will relate to others in a similar situation, others will not.
There are people who believe they can rely on a friend or even an acquaintance, instead of going to see a qualified therapist for serious issues.
It’s not fair to the friend and it isn’t what is best for them either. It really does depend on how far these conversations go. It’s never a good idea to overstep boundaries.
We have all dealt with people like this. I told a woman once that if she paid me $100 an hour I would listen to more of her story, if not I didn’t want to hear another word. That shut her up!