I’m lost in a sea of web search hits, looking for answers to share w/ my mom.
mom has her first respite care visit planned tomorrow afternoon. my dad’s dementia is accelerating, but the two of them are still living home alone. my dad has recently accepted that he should no longer drive (and is not licensed to do so anymore), but so far he is only borderline ok (perhaps unsafe) to leave alone if my mom goes out for more than 30 min or so.
my brother found a woman/service who’s coming for 2-3 hours to ‘clean’ (while my mom leaves for some self-care time) and none of us are sure how best to communicate it to my dad.
i want my mom to be able to relax while she’s out, but the reality is that we all expect that dad will give the visiting caregiver a hard time, since there isn’t 2-3 hours worth of cleaning to do - and if she’s just hanging around, he’ll think she’s being lazy. he still has general social graces, but he will not want to chat with a stranger, especially if she’s supposed to be working.
mom asked the caregiver for advice on how to message it, and she didn’t really have any advice.
i’m also worried he’s really going to be upset to learn that he’s reached a stage that he can’t be left alone.
😢😢
i’m going to keep surfing for resource docs, but if any of you have any tips or links to point me to, i’m all ears.
there’s a ton online but it’s hard to wade through to find this mid-stage phase, it seems
Until then,
Have people coming and going as often as possible - if you keep him at home, then this will become the norm and you might as well start it sooner rather than later.
Get your father, and mother, acclimated to someone being there often. With opportunities for your mom to step out - perhaps for a short walk, to do yard work, or go to the store. But, you can't go from zero to 100 because it is necessary now, you need to still take the incremental steps if you want your father to not be too agitated.
Realize that your father may never come to agree to these changes. Aggrement or acceptance is not necessary, reducing his anxiety over it is. And give strategies to the respite person to reduce his agitation: don't talk to him, don't sit down, stay in a nearby room, motior but don't hawk over him, keep busy, etc.
Finally, work with his geriatrician to understand what the future holds for your father, create a plan of care and then decide the best place for that care to occur. The disease only becomes harder, you can't prevent it, you can only prepare for it.
Aggrement or acceptance is not necessary, reducing his anxiety over it is.
In all honesty most men don't like "strangers" coming into their home. They prefer the wife and/or daughters do everything. I have heard this scenario from all of my friends, "I'll be nice while she's here but happy when she leaves".
When you have two aging parents, it's a juggling act. If you have your father's primary care physician (PCP) do an assessment and be up front and say look, dad can't be left alone he thinks everything is fine.
You could just do one morning per week for four hours. Find some place in the neighborhood, usually nurse practitioner's in a doctor's office know more about this stuff than the doctors do. Try to find a "Medical Model".
Some provide transportation but I drive mother to and from since she has to go to the bathroom after her morning coffee and I don't want her to feel pressured.
If your dad was a Veteran there is $$$ available for this along with a million pieces of paperwork to fill out. It's not a given.
I have my mother go one morning a week for Physical Therapy, Speech Therapy a continental breakfast and hot lunch. There is an RN on duty at all times and activities. Some people are totally out of it--it's sad. I think if my mother attended more than that she would decline but I need a place locally so I get my errands done with some peace of mind so I won't come home and find Mom on the floor.
There is a fee for this along with a bill from the insurance company for Speech/Physical Therapy. As I write this my mother is out in the hallway on her UpWalker Lite.
Your internet/phone provider can put a camera at the door with a sensor. If dad should leave you get a text with a photo. A lifeline button comes in handy too.
You could explain to dad that these places exist so you won't have to go a nursing home. They can remain in their home longer if they participate.
I'll leave you all with a laugh--when my dad was living I said dad why don't we all pitch in and get mom someone to clean the house as her Christmas gift. He responded, "No, your mom likes doing it". They say men and women are different, I agree.
https://www.seniorshomeservices.com/monitoring
The Jewish Welfare Federation offers a variety of assistance; even if you're not Jewish, it wouldn't hurt to find out what might be available in terms of friendly visits.
Our county also has friendly visitors, paid for through county funds.
Also, if you're involved with a Senior Center or religious organization, there may be options for friendly visitors as well. They don't have to clean; and I don't think that they're paid. They just drop by for a visit.
Are there any neighbors who could drop by for a quick visit, especially if they have dogs and your husband likes animals?
These might be ways to acclimate him to visitors while his wife is gone, then gradually add someone who does light household work once he's gotten used to, and hopefully accepted, visitors.
The other thing I would focus on is his safety at home. Does he have a life alert pendant? If not, I would seriously consider getting one.
Have throw rugs or any potential fall objects been removed? Have grab bars been installed in any area where he might be vulnerable walking on his own?
The truth is light cleaning & friendly visiting so I would try that first.
Here is *Jill* a new aquaintence working for friends & will be visiting us too. All have a cuppa together & social chat to build trust the first time/s before Mother pops out.
I see the issue of *Jill* is our cleaner, as 30mins after dishes & a sweep Dad may be confused to why she is sitting down watching the tv with him...
What I found is whatever the story, what you want is *this is happening* undertow. Be careful who gets the power to hire/fire. Sounds a bit mean 😕 but if Mom is kind hearted & gives Dad the power, he may cancel. The help is for both - to help Dad be safer & allow Mom to leave the house with less worry.
So a confident manner is essential. No "Is this ok, Darling? Are you sure?"
My LO keeps trying repeatedly to cancel the 'help'. Why? Because wants caregiver - in the same room 24/7. This is unrealistic (but insight to this is diminished).
Doctor advised: When reasoning is lost, just arrange what you need to.
Best of luck! May it work out well.
So, how did it go?