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I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. My mom (96) who has dementia but otherwise in good health. She’s been in assisted living level 1 for almost 2 yrs, not in memory care. This hurts my heart so much as I know it will upset her greatly. I would like to hide it as much as I can, but this is going to affect my visits and I know she’ll be aware that I’m not the same. I live an hour away and in Canada, she’s in Michigan. I’ve been helping her with some things like giving her regular manicures, pedicures, washing and cutting her hair, she alway wears a wig, I’ve even brought her to my house for holidays in the past for a couple days. I know that will have to stop soon. As hard as this diagnosis is for me, it’s especially difficult with worrying about my mom. She only has me and my older brother who really never had the relationship with her that I had, and can’t do these things for her, he takes care of all her financial things, he’s her POA, but that’s all he’s capable of doing. As far as friends and relatives…nope, on one else to step up. I don’t know what to do.

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I made the mistake of telling my mother w dementia about my husband needing a liver transplant back in 2022. I only told her bc we'd be leaving to go to another state for an undetermined amount of time. First she decided he was fine and didn't need a new liver at all, that his cancer dx was wrong. Then she proceeded to work herself up into a state of anxiety about it to where it became HER problem and not ours. She had a tendency to do this, so I should've known better and kept the "conversations" to weather related matters and how small the meals were in her Memory Care Assisted Living.

Ultimately, mom passed away 1 month before we were called to Az by the Mayo Clinic. I should never have said anything.The goal is to keep them calm, after all.

Best of luck with your treatments.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If she has any memory impairment she might not retain it and then you'd have to tell her over and over. So, you will need to decide how good (or impaired) her memory is. My MIL has mild/mod dementia and short-term memory loss and it took her a long time to stop asking about where her deceased husband is. Then she re-mourned every time. I wish you wisdom, good health and peace in your heart whatever you decide.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I cannot imagine hiding this from my Mom. I had cancer of the breast with spread to two lymph nodes first 37 years ago last May. I had chemo and mastectomy. There new would have been a single reason TO tell her. I felt fine throughout treatment and I didn't lose my hair. But I cannot imagine NOT telling something that important.
I don't know how advanced her dementia is. I would tell her, tell her you are getting treatment and the doctor thinks you will "be just fine". Tell her that whether it is true or it is not true. And on you go.

To tell you the honest truth she will not be standing witness to your treatment and worries as she would be were she not having dementia. And even at that our family can do just fine with us dealing with this. In fact my best supporters were the most humorous ones.

I now have another what they consider primary cancer, after all these years. It's in the other breast. I am 82 and will not be doing chemo; I had a lumpectomy and will get mastectomy for any noted spread. Otherwise for me it's palliative, Hospice and our good right to die laws. TRUST ME, if you have to go there are so many worse ways. There are good drugs for cancer and real choices, and with so many things--dementia for sure--there just aren't choices.

My vote goes to telling but I will say that YOUR vote is the only one that matters here and you know your mom well, much better than me. My own Mom was real good with all of it. If you suspect this is too distressing, don't tell. And I think with dementia, the fact that your visits are off a bit will be less a concern. And I think you will not only be able to do them but that they will bring you joy.

Good luck. MANY of us with the big C on this site, both currently and in the past. You aren't alone.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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In the spring I had a biopsy to determine if I had cancer. I didn't tell my mother about any of it and carried on after the biopsy as if nothing had happened. When I got the results (I'm negative) I breathed a sigh of relief and didn't tell my mom after that either. My mother is a worry wart about everything and If I had told her she would of course pester me for any and all updates on my diagnosis. If I cough around her I have TB, Black Death, etc. I'm on two years of monitoring, and If I told her, she would want to go with me to the appointments and be in the room with me. I'm not going to have that happen.

I would not tell your mother until it's necessary.
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Reply to Jhalldenton
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Beatty Sep 17, 2024
"..pester me for any and all updates on my diagnosis".

".. she would want to go with me to the appointments and be in the room with me."

This is EXACTLY what is happening with my folks. She is anxious ++ wants every detail, attend every appointment. Due to short term memory &/or OCD wants to go over the same stuff all.the.time.

I get she wants to know. But has the asking & pestering offered any real support to him..? No.

"If I cough around her I have TB, Black Death, etc."
My MIL is just like this, leading us to only disclose tests if diagnosed & once treatment plans made. Again, the worry does not bring support.
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It sounds like your mom is still relatively cognizant.
In this case I would tell her what you know and that things may have to change a bit.
You might even want to start getting her hair done at the salon that the facility has. You do what you can when you can and either let some things slide or let someone else do some of the things that might be a bit more difficult for you.
Maybe enjoying the holiday with her instead of bringing her to your house.
Again...do what you can when you can. You can't do more. I am sure that if your mom did not have dementia and she was fully aware of what you are going through she would totally understand and probably tell you that you are being a bit silly in worrying about her at this time. 🙏 You got this!
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Reply to Grandma1954
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If it was me, I wouldn't tell my 96 old mother who has dementia. It would only devastate her when you tell her, and then she would forget. So what good would it do for you to tell her? Thankfully she is in a good, safe place where people are caring for her.
Find other options for communicating with mom, send flowers, candy, or a brief letter filled with your love that makes her happy. Also, consider Zoom/skype calls with her - is there staff at her facility that could arrange this for her?
- Could your brother step up more actively with her until you can?
As far as your feelings on guilt, sounds liked you'd feel this regardless whether you tell her or you don't. Find ways to jettison the guilt. You're doing your best!
Best wishes.
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Reply to LostinPlace
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I just read through the advice you’ve received so far, and from it I can only see to decide how well you know your mother’s current cognition and emotional state. None of us can venture to know that. If you believe this will be endlessly distressing to her, and perhaps have to be retold over and over, it would be a kindness not to share. If you see her being upset, but still able to process and adapt, then tell her. You can then plan for alternatives to some of your usual routines. In any case, focus on your recovery, I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You know your Mother best, so trust your gut.

You have to balance the awful burden of keeping it from her VS telling & upsetting you both.

Also very much consider how much she will retain. Will this become an endless loop of worry & talk for her? Will that help you? Or will the information fade quickly? So if you want to discuss each visit it means introducing it fresh each time?

My extended family did this recently. They broke the news BUT slowly & thoughtfully.
. After the person with the dx had time to absorb & get used to the idea.
. Used the truth, but a little minimised. Eg The Doctor said I have some X. I going to take some pills & maybe have some other treatments as well.
. Then the topic was dropped.

This seemed to work well. For everyone. The person with Ca was not keep burdened to hide their truth. The other had such fading memory it didn't cause distress.

I think a big part of sharing news is the vulnerability. Is the receiver going to be supportive? But even the most memory or cognitively impaired person can offer a smile or hug!

Debbie, maybe a hug from your Mom will be enough! 🩷

Then I hope you can look for & find other everyday support. (((Hugs)))
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Reply to Beatty
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So truly sorry for your diagnosis..I just got one 3 days ago that has changed my mom schedule already and may make some activities difficult. ..I plan to visit when I feel good..I will say I have a meeting to attend if I need to leave..A parent that old does not need added stress to advanced years.. and we need to put ourselves first when our health needs attention. She has others to keep her spirits up. Good Luck!!
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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Aww Debbie xx
So sorry to read your sad diagnosis x please take care and look after you, please xx remember the most important thing now for you and your beautiful, tender mom is “less stress is always best” x so I would not share any of your diagnosis, does she need to know? Please think long and hard….it might be because you need your mom right now 💕

Deb it might be you want to share with Mom because it might help you to share and have your beautiful Mom’s love returned because you need your Mom right now, and this would help you xx As our roles reverse you must try to stay strong and protect your Mom just now 💕 Please at this time, think of Mom and what it might do to her, you might regret telling her such sad news, she might not be strong enough to receive this worry from her beautiful baby girl 💕 Stay strong and discuss with your brother, rely on him for a shoulder to help you and please give Mom some peace and rest at her tender time 💕 if Mom notices differences in you, please play it down and just let her know everything is ok and you are busy with routine appointments 💕 thinking of you and all you’re going through, all your wonderful friends on this amazing site will help you through sad times and please remember to keep what you have with Mom now, because she will look at you with love in her eyes and will be sad because she cannot make it right for her baby girl and you might regret sharing with Mom and that is not something you want to feel on top of all you’re going through right now ….💕…please take care and look after you when you can and please remember as you get stronger (which you will 🥰) mom will stay strong with you 💕 xx
Sending lots of (hugs) and cuddles….🥰

plus….brother might step up a little differently if he knows you cannot provide the loving care you do just now…cross that bridge as it arises and not anytime sooner 🥰 take care and stay strong you will have this, you will fight through xxx
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Reply to Heartwrenching
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DebbieSG Sep 22, 2024
Thank you for your heartfelt reply. All this really heartbreaking on top of being so scared for myself and my family. I’m not going to tell her because I’m certain it will cause her great distress. I’ll do my best to hide the effects of my treatments (I will lose my hair all over) and downplay things as much as I can. My mom was the most loving and caring person you’d ever meet. That quality is still in there, when it comes to myself and my brother, but my brother didn’t have the close relationship with her that I once did even though she lived in Florida for 30 yrs.
Thank you again, your response was truly sincere and I greatly appreciate that ❤️
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