We were never able to have children it took me over 14 years to accept it. 4 months ago we moved my soon to be 83 yr old mother in law into our 2-story 1440 sq.ft. Home with us & our 2 beloved furkids..aka dogs.
I thought we were doing right thing but now already I've been losing my mind, my sanity, my privacy & even my identity. Coupled with me working from home full time since Covid I feel almost imprisoned & I'm sadly hiding out in my bedroom all day to avoid her downstairs all day & even evenings now after my husband gets home from work.
We have no privacy for anything let alone me feeling comfortable to have sex in my own home. I've been suffering hot flashes going thru hopefully final stages of menopause & I can't even turn my a/c down to a comfortable temp downstairs, she has hijacked our whole peaceful home with constant blaring sitcoms -gameshows-sports on tv down there constantly.
I am miserable & worse yet my husband spends more time with her than me. It's like I'm slowly disappearing I have tried talking to spouse but he doesn't see it or get it. I love him but what can I do?
I told him I can't have sex while she is in our house it freaks me out. I am resorting to turning my walk in closet in our bedroom (which is furthest away from her bedrooms side of house) into some kind of a sex room with a twin mattress in there.
I need advice my husband will not allow her to go into a care facility. She is cognitive & can still take care of herself & even go up & down stairs twice daily.
I love her she is sweet but constantly complains about her head, or body aches & how she doesn't feel right but ever time she goes to hospital or whatever they tell her nothing is wrong. I tell her if she just sits all day then of course She will hurt.
She stares into space a lot when I do hang out with her & she constantly flips channels on tv & just sits there all day long watching that tv glazed over.
I can't concentrate to work so I hide out upstairs husband doesn't get it because his life didn't change. I avoid at all costs bringing up anything about not feeling good, or even asking her how she she's doing because that just opens the floodgates to listen to her complain about everything.
I've tried engaging her to come outside on nice days but she prefers to be a recluse. I feel like I'm being suffocated if I spend too much time with her anym uore plus her sad & depressed demeanor just pulls me in or tries to suck me down her dark depressed tunnel of doom & gloom.
I probably sound like a horrible ungrateful daughter in law but I want my life back & my sex life back. Husband doesn't seem to think these are major problems refuses to go to marriage counseling. I know he loves me more than anything that's what hurts.
I'm now working on cleaning up my exercise room which is also upstairs to be more of a utility escape room for me complete with a mini fridge & microwave so I don't have to go down there for much more than cooking a meal, taking dogs out, going outside to also escape with them now that weather is cooling off.
I feel so self centered but my marriage is at stake now & my mental well being. I simply cannot handle the stress & responsibilities everything is in my shoulders trying not to drink too much but wine & beer help taken the edge off.
I hope God can forgive me but I am not cut out for this. There's a reason why we couldn't have children so I have hidden used to living in a quiet & peaceful home with harmony. Now it is all upside down. I am open to any suggestions good or bad.
One thing in am realizing is that if I do not let her hijack my day afternoon away from me I am more happy staying distanced upstsirs. I love music & listen to whatever I want all day up there whether I'm working or cleaning.
I'm not going to let her sad depression threshold of me it's like sometimes I envision a big dark gray cloud looming in my living room exactly over the loveseat which has become her Velcro seat. It'
What are your responsibilities for her? You didn't really mention things you have to do for her, only that her presence is irritating. If you do have tasks, then talk to hubby about hiring someone to come and do things just for mom. Or perhaps get a housekeeper to help out everyone - a little cleaning, fix lunch for mom, change her linens, wash clothes, etc. If mom is no longer paying living expenses for her previous house, use her income to pay for extras around your house. And, I have to ask, did she move in to combine 3 incomes to make life easier and cheaper for all?????
There is a certain amount of this where getting used to someone else in your home being difficult. Then there is another issue of - you coming off a little harsh when you can't stomach being in the same room with her. I would suggest trying a little harder in that area. I would venture a little further out on that limb and wonder if you ever really did like the woman.
The flip side is you tell hubby you don't want her there, deal with his reaction to that, and then let the chips fall where they may. You agreed to the living arrangement, like it or not, so there's a good chance he will be hurt by your change in how you feel now. The marriage may suffer more after that discussion than it is right now, but you do have a right to determine your own future
Usually when a parent arrives the children want them to feel comfortable and boundaries are crossed.
I suppose house rules must be established from the beginning.
It’s a bit awkward for the couple and the parent and when boundaries aren’t set there are always uncomfortable situations that arise.
I don’t know how many of you had keys to their parent’s house. I did. Mom would tell me to just let myself in when I went over. I never did. I knocked on the door and waited for her to say, “Come in, honey.” Then I opened the door with the key.
I never answered her phone unless she instructed me to. I didn’t snoop through her mail. In other words, I respected my parents privacy.
I would not be comfortable overstepping in someone else’s home, even my parents. My husband was the same way with his family.
I guess it all depends on the people involved. Some parents do respect privacy. Others don’t.
Living together with parents or any other roommates is a situation with very close quarters and it is usually too much togetherness!
When they need more and more help it is intensified. Of course it isn’t their fault. No one gets sick on purpose but nevertheless it interrupts our lives and we are not wrong for wanting a life for ourselves again.
It’s a matter of getting over the guilt. Trust me, I speak from tons of experience!
Therapy and this forum saved my life!
If your hubby wants to be selfish how would he feel having to sell the house in a divorce? You can be selfish too by not lifting a finger to help his mother. It will now all be all on him. Tell him you don't hate her, but you need space. You like your friends but don't live with them either. You want your own space and trying to hide in closets isn't it. This is not working and will have to change. He is probably gone all day so its not a big deal to spend a few hours with her.
He can make you both happy by getting a place where everyone can be happy. Where she can blare her tv without you loosing your mind.
Im sure he's spending more time with her bc he knows she won't be around forever. Plus your probably bristly from putting up with the tv blaring all day and exasperated.
I would give him an ultimatum that you need a bigger space & mil suite, or construction on your place. Your doing all the sacrifices here.
I would also nip the complaining in the bud, by saying any day above ground is a good day. So stop complaining and change the subject abruptly. What are we doing for lunch? Dont let her go back to it. Keep doing that until she gets the message. People complain about illnesses do it for sympathy and attention.
How about getting her to a senior center for the day. Or maybe 3x a week. It keeps them active. She needs to do something besides sit. You get a break then. Sure she will complain but too bad. You need to work in peace. She gets friends and a purpose.
How about putting her in basement and turning it into a suite? Changing dining room into a closed room for her with sound proofing? Soundproofing anywhere. And a new hearing aid or head set for her. You need to work and hear yourself think.
I notice a pattern on here, of the men not caring when their wife is forced to live with the MIL. So women need to put a stop to that. Their ok with you being inconvenienced as long as they aren't. If you have to be inconvenienced with the noise etc, he can be inconvenienced packing to a new home with more room, or coming up with funds to make her a room or 2 that are sound proofed.
As for hot flashes, I use natural hormones on Amazon. Saved me bc Id get hot flashes, nausea and a weird headache all at once. Stopped it in its tracks. Or time to go to doc and say you need something.. That is also not helping things bc you have that to contend with too.