Any advice for final arrangements?

We have been the caregivers for my mom for 10 years. We signed up with a cremation service about 5 years ago. All bought and paid for.

This is what happened with my Mom. I helped her and my dad with their pre-paid plan. I paid as much as I could and hoped there would be more time for the rest of the arrangements, there wasn't. What was paid for was their plot (Mom had that taken care of some time ago). But I helped them pay for the casket and basic funeral. But when she died, we still needed to pay for the opening & closing of the grave (that's necessary) and for the service. I told my family that I could not pay any more, and if they wanted a nice funeral for her they would have to come up with the money. They got together and it was nice. But I explained that if they hadn't it would have been gravesite only on the day of burial. It's a difficult time and it's hard to say what's best for you.

I took a CD player to Dad's gathering and played Big Band tunes--even while we shared and talked. If you are pressed for money, go simple. You will have all the memories to carry with you--and the rest of the family--well, they missed out on having the honor or right to transition your MIL to the next life. Remember her in your special way because you are the one who has probably made the difference in her life to this point.

How wonderful that your daughter is an opera singer!! By all means, ask her if she would like to sing at the burial or maybe record herself with some of her friends in the industry on a CD that can be played at the grave site. That way she can be a part of the service and still grieve. And the CD will be a nice memorial for you to listen to later.

My cousin who sang (a cappella) at Dad's gravesite service (& his funeral) also sings with a local opera group. I am thinking of asking her to record a couple of songs that I can play at Mom’s funeral or my funeral. My niece played her clarinet while her cousin played the organ at their other Grandmother's funeral. Any instrument will work--guitar, ???. When a close friend died, the church played "Happy Trails To You" as his casket was taken from the sanctuary. That brought a smile to everyone's face as that was SO "Jim". I have attended a couple of funerals (not at churches) where "Send in the Clowns" was played (the deceased were known for their jokes and ability to make others laugh.) God Bless!

Thank you all!!! I'm glad I asked. You all have such wonderful ideas. My daughter is an opera singer. MIL loves to listen to her. I'm considering asking her to sing at the burial but I don't want to pressure her...she will be grieving too. Oma is very special to her, I may record her and play it or ask who she think would be best(she has friends in the industry). You gave me so many ideas. Thank you! you all turned this from a burden to a celebration of life. But of course that stirs up the "bad" feelings.

One day after they visited her, a year after my FIL's funeral (It was amazing: American legion military send off, a harmonizing duet, 100's of people) she asked me what was I going to do with her, flush her down the toilet? I'm assuming that came from them, but could also be that I had suggested cremation for FIL. I asked BIL if she ever mentioned to him what she wants. His reply was "Who cares she'll be dead"
A couple of years ago the other BIL passed, we where not invited/informed. I had to Google where the funeral was. We crashed it, silently, but overheard that there was a family private celebration (I guess that could have been amazing) So yeah, the family has issues.

As far as being financially drained. We run our own business, so even though she paid for all her expenses, our business (finances) took a big hit. You can only do so much even though my customers needed me MIL needs me more. Now that we have 24 care in place we are doing a little better financially.

I thank you all again
Lovestinks

Our mom long ago many times had said if you can't bother to visit me when you are alive, don't bother coming when I'm dead! It is one of the few things she would say and repeat that I can wholly agree with.

As for open casket - I can see where an unexpected death might lead someone to want to "see" the person one last time. I have had to do this for several cats who passed too soon, just to be sure and be able to say goodbye. For my first grandmother, I could not even get out of the car at the funeral home. For the second one, I made it into the building, but would not go near the casket (I did get a brief long distance view unintentionally. While I sat next to two cousins, they were talking about her and one says "Didn't she look good?" Auch! I just thought to myself didn't she look dead? I had a good relationship with her and did not want to remember her that way. Our dad was cremated and many months later there was a Marine service at Bourne that we attended. I believe mom's wishes are to be cremated and interred with him (she has a burial account, I just don't know what she might have asked for - I should check with them.)

I did like some of the unconventional urns and burials that were related in the postings. While reading through them, I recall that I told my daughter I would want my various kitty cremains (to date 5, one more maybe soon as she is 19 now) to be buried with me, but that's as far as that discussion went! However, while remembering that and reading more urn stories, I remembered a book I read in which the person's ashes were put in a Mr. Peanut container!! I thought how amusing, I will have to think of something like that! Last laugh at life! When I am done here, I am going to see if there are any kitty themed urns for people... =^..^=

My mom, too, wants simplicity when she passes. I hope to be able to honor that. My sibs are on the same page, so that's good.

What are your mother's desires. When my dad passed, he didn't want a full blown funeral and he wanted to be cremated. We left him at the funeral home for 4 months until my mother determined we would bury him in his childhood town with his parents around Labor Day. We gathered immediate family and those childhood friends who were still living and went to the cemetery. It was "one of the best sendoffs" most had ever been to. We told stories and laughed and cried and then all went to lunch together. When mom passed 20 months later, she said "I want exactly what we did for dad." We did that, too, with her quilts displayed and scrapbooks of all the quilting and had done over the years. Again, we heard " what a nice way to honor mom--very homey and comfortable. Your mom would have been very happy. " We gave people the option this time of sharing and/or writing personal notes and placing the note with a handful of rose petals in on top of the urn. We cried and hugged and went to eat together. You are the caregiver and you should at least attempt to have the conversation--no matter how hard it is. Your MIL may be ready to tell you!

Anjolie,
I agree, I wouldn't want to be gawked at either.

We just came back from a vacation in Guanajuato, Mexico. They have a "mummy museum". All of them are very well preserved, down to clothing and hair.
Even though it was very interesting (scientifically), I felt bad for the dead (who used to be someone). I felt we were "gawking" at them. I felt like I was invading their privacy and not honoring the dead.

Just cremate me and remember me how I was.

Since you've shouldered all the responsibility for caregiving, you have the right to choose the funeral rites, unless MIL previously specified her wishes. Im learning just how costly funerals can be, and know my parents don't want anything elaborate. The open casket might be important in cases of unexpected, "clean" deaths, where family and friends need to say goodbye, for closures sake. But, if I were the one in the casket, I wouldn't want to be gawked at. I believe the decision is yours to make--alone, like everything that came before this.

I, too, am trying to figure out what to do for Mom when she passes. I have discussed it with my siblings, but the only real response I get is from my sister. She agrees with me that having something at a funeral home is a waste of money. Mom has some siblings left (all but live in other states), but only 2 of her friends are still alive.

She does have a plot; and I have checked with the cemetery about the costs for opening an closing of the grave and the insert, as well as the cost of a cremation service. I just seem to be avoiding writing the check ahead of time.... Must be something psychological there...

In the State of Maryland, the average cost of a funeral is $10,000. That is ridiculous. My girlfriend had her husband cremated and then a memorial service at a funeral home and it cost $3000 just to have the memorial service. When she passed, her daughter had her cremated and then had a celebration of life at a friend's house.

I am leaning on wanting something like that for Mom. (Prayer cards would be good, too.) I hope my siblings will go along with it.

For my Dad's 60th birthday, his Mother presented him with a gravesite at the local cemetery. Grandma wanted the family "buried together" so she bought 8 plots together and put a head stone over four of the plots-- hers, her husband's, her son's and her daughter-in-law (my Mom). Dad's Sister and Husband are buried in two plots at the other end of the 8 plots. I will be buried in the plot next to Mom and there is one empty plot that was inherited by my cousin. I am not sure if it will get used or not.

Understand this one. At one point I actually considered not even letting the uninvolved sibling know when she passes. Hasn't come around but the obligatory 10 minute visit on Christmas and Mothers day. No clue as to what is happening and believe me, things won't change. Hospice care now and he still hasn't showed his face. I say to you, Lovestinks., Have a service that will help YOU grieve. You decide, You preplan and You do what suits you. She has the best NOW(someone who gives a damn and is helping her thru to the end) and THAT is when it really counts. If money is limited, have a small get together or something wonderful and special that honors her.

nancyab, There are several companies that arrange the scattering of ashes in the sea. There is even one that puts the cremation box on a manmade reef and eventually, the box becomes part of the reef. Google "scatter ashes at sea near California or Florida or _______" and see what pops up.

My mom, 96, died in November, 2017. I'm her only child left. Bro. and sis. died years before. My father died in 2007. 2 years before Mom died, she and I with my husband were discussing funerals. So, I asked her what she wanted for her own funeral. She matter-of-factly said, "Whatever you want to do." Inside, I was offended as I have always been committed to honor and respect my parents’ wishes. This just wasn’t what I had expected. I then asked her if she didn't have any special music, or scripture verses she wanted read? "No. The planning on what is done is all up to you. I won't be there." It took me a long while, but finally I received her comments as a true and honest gift to me. For more than 40 years, she had lived 200 miles from me until 2014. When she couldn't live alone anymore, she moved to ALF in the town where she grew up, got married and had her family until we 3 kids were all grown up. The ALF is also closer to me. My deliberation was whether to have 1. a funeral service where she used to live, 2. where she grew up 3. or in both places. My family said to do what was most convenient for me. But I worried about the friends from her former residence. We had kept her home and took her to visit her home every month so she could stay in contact with those friends. But as time went on, I could see that her friends were taking advantage of her mental limitations. Finally I decided to have only one service in the town where she grew up and where her grave site was located; next to my brother's gravesite. My father had been buried at sea. I knew that her former friends would be upset, and they were. If anyone had asked me why I didn’t have a service in their area, I would have said that I was only following my mother’s wishes. But they never asked me that question. In addition, no family lived in or near that area where she used to live. I grew to know that what I wanted was to have a small service to honor my mother’s life with family; and include members of the community who had known her and our family in earlier years; which were many. Also, it was easier for our family to not have to attend two services; and to not have the necessity of spending more money on hotels and restaurants in the location that was farther away. In the end, some of the friends from her previous residence actually traveled to the services in our local area. It was expensive for us, but at least it was not doubled by having two different services. And, everyone enjoyed the day – I made a folded card with her obituary, photos and the schedule of the service; an insert containing the songs that were sung; an insert with a short paragraph commenting on memories from each member of our immediate family (13 of us). I gave my own form of reminisces during the service, expressing what my mother meant to me. I knew it would be different from the many people present, but then that is expected, and I said so. I knew that what I would share was probably not the list of experiences and memories that anyone else would have shared with my mother. I did not spend time trying to touch on how my mother influenced all the different groups of people that she encountered. But I did acknowledge that we all had our own special relationship with her. I still know that I honored my mother’s wishes because I had to delve deep into myself and pull up how I wanted to remember my mom. That was an important, growing-point-exercise for me, and my mom gave that to me. How special.

If your loved one doesn't have his or her final wishes written down. Just know what he or she likes find out basic stuff such as his or her favorite color, music, flower. It is a difficult thing to comprehend I planned my late mother's service but she gave me a guide of what she wanted. The rest I filled in cause we were so close. Good luck and try not get sucked into the drama that sometimes happens in the wake of someone passing. The week before my late mother did I had siblings and a niece with her two children who were under the age of 10. The adults were all smokers and my late mother was overwhelmed by there visit on top of that the adults were all smokers and so they would have a drag outside come back in and hug her and she was dying of lung cancer. Plus my eldest sibling decided it was her entitlement to get physical with our mother one more time she did this when I was 7. My father looked the other way I did my best to protect her but the results of the week were constant break through pain followed by 2 days later in hospice house died two days after that.

My mother has a prearranged funeral plan that will completely take care of her wishes when she passes. You should buy one before getting Medicaid ready, because any money in the bank will count against her and you will lose it anyway.
There’s a bit of a family issue in my family also. We have chosen a service at the funeral home here in Texas, and a graveside service only in Louisiana. Her Louisiana friends have mostly passed away, and my siblings and I don’t wish to spend over fifteen minutes graveside in Louisiana, where my brother that causes issues resides.
As for viewing, it will be family view only, in Texas, then closed for the duration, not to be opened again. This is also my mother’s wish, in her own hand writing, from 1988 when she and her husband bought the prearranged services.

With my aunt, money was tight so we all elected to go with cremation with a graveside service for anyone who wish to attend and anyone who wanted to speak. The small written observance of your MIL's life is a great idea. She and her husband already had a grave and headstone so that wasn't an issue. This was all set up and prepaid with the funeral home. If family wants to do anything more they are free to foot the bill and do whatever they want. You've meant your obligation and respect of her.

Stacey, beautiful and eloquent post, and eulogy to how your family addressed end of life situations.

I love the biodegradable turtle concept!

I've assisted in the care and burial of all 4 of our parents (mine and my husbands), and it is Very expensive! Thankfully all of our parents had bought and paid for their plots, and headstones in advance. Still, there is the body preparations and opening and closing of the grave, Obituaries,  flowers and food, and much preparation, thankfully I'm one of 6, and we were able to divide and conquer the duties,  and did it with Love and Respect for our parents and each other. Their funerals were Beautiful and we had a great turn out of loved ones and friends. 

For My parents, as was the tradition of our families, there was the Big  British sendoff, a traditional Catholic mass, Eulogy read by my eldest Brother, and memories read by each of their 6 children and various Grandchildren, and big Wake in the church hall, with elaborate picture displays, and we all felt good about everything,  plus our parents had planned the money for the occasion,  and it was a lovely Celebration of their lives.

For My MIL, coming from a much smaller family,  we did the traditional burial,  graveside service,  and then a wake back at our home, lovingly attended by her 3 Children and Grandchildren,  friends and family.  

For My Fil, the last of his generation,  we only had a simple burial,  and my husband,  myself and our 4 kids, spouses and Grandchildren went to his graveside a few days later,  we all read out loud our favorite memories of him, and then we all went out to dinner at his favorite restaurant,  and had our own private Celebration in his honor, his other 2 children failed to show up, not only in his final weeks of life on Hospice in our home,  but to his services all well, sad but true.  

So there are many different ways to give our loved ones a send off, all different,  but true to their lifestyle,  their religious values and their personal wishes. 

I had a nephew who was cremated,  and the put his ashes in a biodegradable turtle (purchased at the funeral home),  and floated him out to sea, and said a few words, as was his wishes.

Some of the cremation storage ideas are so unique... a cigar box, memorial tree, an owl cookie jar....One gardening poster on another forum created memorial beds, with a special tree and a statue.

I think I'll have my ashes put in a clay pot. That'll be perfect for me!

Having just gone through this, I would do a pre paid arranged funeral. In the case of my dad who died a couple months ago (still having a hard time saying that) we did not have one, and while the funeral planning went fairly well it would have avoided some unnecessary stress and some sticker shock to my mom to have this done ahead of time. I am sure we will eventually do this for my mom. On the other hand, its a hard thing to bring up with her.

Since you are the sole caregiver and financial planner, and no other family members want to assist, then they won't want to assist with or pay for final arrangements. Plan what you want and can afford. You don't answer to anyone. Funerals are for the living, and burial is for the deceased. Make the final arrangements what you are comfortable with. Bless you and please don't feel guilty for all your loving care and sacrifice for the last 7+ years.

What are her wishes? Is she religious? Is she a Veteran? Does she have any friends/neighbors/caregivers who would like to attend. If she can't tell you, you need to look back at her life to determine what those wishes might be, because it is all about her....no one else. If she expects a wake and funeral, you can do them the same day all at the funeral home. A simple service, with her favorite songs or poem performed or read is fine then graveside services. Mom's favorite song was "Smile A While." The vocalist sang and played the ukulele; mom's spirit was there. You can go simpler and just do a graveside service; I've seen that done very successfully, but again, try to add something personal. If resources are very limited and her religion allows it, cremation, private graveside, and for those who want to celebrate her life, a simple memorial service can be the answer. I have attended services of all these types and they were all beautiful. In all cases, mom and dad were allowed to pre-pay their services and sign over their life insurance policies to the funeral home. They were also allowed to put $1500 each into burial accounts at the bank to pay for expenses not included in the funeral home planning such as flowers, food, and money toward a headstone (they are expensive!) Hope this helps.

Since the family is like they are, I agree with those who suggest a graveside service and recommend a restaurant for them to go to. You go somewhere else. This is done all the time. We live near a National Cemetery and as people age and almost no one of their generation is left.

My cousin is in the middle of this as we speak (write?). My beloved aunt died June 6th. He is an only child. She purchased burial plots when her husband died many years ago. He was an innocent about cost of funerals. By himself without Janie, another cousin, or I to negotiate for him, he went to the place where the plots are, they quoted him a price of $19,000. for a funeral and burial. He cried, didn't have the money, couldn't figure out what he was going to do as his mother lay dying.  Janie, and I talked to him a lot. The decision was to have her cremated. We went to a different Mortuary, and got a much cheaper price to pick her body up from the hospital and cremate it. We were looking at urns when he said, "THE COOKIE JAR!". She had a owl cookie jar she just loved. It was big enough. All of us felt immediate relief and happiness. It was perfect. The cost of cremation, and opening and closing of the grave will be less than $2,500. If he had scattered her it would have been about $800.00.

For a ceremony, he is going to put a white tablecloth on the dining room table, load it with pictures and her service time memorabilia. Have her favorite Mexican restaurant cater and have an open house. Janie suggested if he had anyone talk about her to limit it to one thing they loved. At 92 most of her family and friends are gone. That will happen this Saturday.

Is your MIL able to tell you what she'd like? If so, maybe you could send the family a summary of what she says she'd like now and your intention to honor her wishes, so they aren't surprised when she passes and they can take it up with her if they have other opinions. Either way, you and your husband need to be on the same page and he may need to step in with the family too

Cetude,
What a fine idea about buying a cigar box. (They can be beautiful pieces.)

When my dad passed, his "bag" of ashes was much larger than a normal cigar box. Do they have extra large ones or did you divide the ashes into 2 containers?

Keep it brief. You decide what's best. You can just do a graveside service and no church service. No after receptions is necessary. You can also just do a cremation and a memorial service if needed. My mom has told me her wishes & some of it will be followed. Like she already prepaid for her cremation & her place for her ashes. She has outlived most of her friends she is 91 & church may not be around at the time there doors are closing. So it's just family. So she will be cremated & when ashes are placed just family attending if they want to be there otherwise just myself. I don't discuss this with mom no need to upset her if she thinks there is no big church service. Things are different the big funeral is no longer required but that's the era of her generation. A funeral or burial can be small and still honors that person. It's for the living not the person that passed. I like the idea of the pamphlet talking about their life. Take care you are doing great so don't second guess yourself.

You've certainly honored your MIL well already. Plan and pre-pay what YOU want in accordance with her preferences.  Make arrangements that you are comfortable with.
 You don't even have to tell the rest of the family that she passed until it's all over.
Then, if they want to plan and pay for a memorial, they can do it without you.

Does MIL need anything? New glasses, hearing aids, clothes, shoes, mobility devises? 

I personally think buying her a lovely new wardrobe would be a better spend down than a funeral that you, as her caregiver would hate to attend because of family drama.

 The money has to be spent on her to qualify, did she ever dream of a Gucci bag or silk pajamas? Use the money to do something special for her. 

2xs a year does not give anyone decision rights. Let them do what they want, you are honoring your MIL every single day by loving her and caring for her. That is truly what matters at the end.

When my 21 year old nephew died, my husband and I had him cremated, separated his ashes into lovely little bags with a note that said, "Take me some place special that we shared together and say a final farewell, I love you all", we gave each of his 7 siblings and his dad, stepmom and bio-mom each a bag and then we did a Celebration of Life, his own mom and dad didn't even bother to come. Everyone that knew him told stories about experiences they had with him, much laughter and some tears, nobody had any money so this was our way of a financially feasible send off. Those that attended had a happy time remembering the boy man that they loved and would always miss. We know we will see him again.

I guess my point is that a jug of lemonade, a bag of popcorn and happy memories can honor a life lived as much as a 25k funeral.

 Don't buy something that no one wants just to spend down, do something awesome she can enjoy.

Hugs 2 u! Her kids are real special aren't they? I am so grateful to anyone that loves on my parents, even if I personally find them awful, this isn't about you, it's about their mom, shows you their character for sure.