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I am 56. In the past, I have helped care for my grandparents, sister, mom, and currently my dad. My mom died about 5 years ago and I have been the caregiver for my dad since then. Recently, I had to move him in to LTC because he ran out of money after staying in an ALF for over 4 years where I had to move him to be closer to me. He was living about 2 hours away from me where I would drive to every other week over about 6 years to help care for my mom for a week at a time.


My ex-husband was emotionally abusive and divorced me 11 years ago. Since then, my dad had been helping to support me by paying for my personal health insurance premiums of about $1000mo! Yeah, and that was on the ACA marketplace because no other insurance company would insure me because of pre-existing conditions.


I feel guilty because I know that has contributed to his financial detriment and contributed to him now having to be on Medicaid. So, I have no health insurance now and no other source for health insurance. I am too young for Medicare. I do not qualify for Medicaid because I do not have any children and I live in a state that did not opt to expand Medicaid benefits for single adults with no children. I cannot work because of a list of health problems which includes chronic fatigue and major depressive disorder for which I have applied for SS Disability benefits that have been denied for me over and over after appealing it each time over about 10 years now. I have a disability attorney working on another appeal currently but I do not know if I will ever get approved for benefits.


After my husband divorced me, I had nowhere live and ended up in another State staying with a friend and her husband who generously took me, and my two dogs, in to their home. My dogs were my "babies" because I do not have any children. I have since lost them both and still grieve the loss every day. My friend was soon diagnosed with breast cancer and her husband began losing his eyesight so we all agreed that I could continue to stay with them in exchange for helping them both. However, my friend died a couple of years later at age 65 but she wanted me to stay and look after her husband as he continued to lose his sight, which I am still currently doing the best I can despite my own health limitations. I don't feel like I am holding up my part of our agreement due to being so overwhelmed with my own health problems. I fear that he might need to move in order to get the proper help he will need and I will have no place to live. My family is no help to me since my divorce and have basically disowned me which is a whole other story. My only brother died 12 years ago just before my divorce and my sister is now dying from breast cancer metastasis. I helped look after her 30 years ago when she was going through surgery and chemo. But, our relationship is not close anymore either. I feel like everyone I love has either abandoned me or died, all for which I still grieve the losses.


My dad and my "housemate" are all I feel like I have left in my life. My dad is 86 and my housemate is 76. I feel like I have no future to look forward to or a future worth living for after they are gone. I can barely function now due to my own health and emotional struggles. I have POA for my dad and attend to his finances and oversee his care. All of which is an exhausting task to do even if I was healthy. I have no invested retirement income for the future, except SSI but not until I'm 62/65? if I live that long, and if I do, I will still have nowhere to live, no children, no career, no family, and no friends that have helped, and I'm not in good health which will just get worse... I do have my faith which is still strong but I just don't know how much more physical and psychological challenges along with all the emotional pain of grief and loss I can take!

Hi Promise,

I am going to give you some tough love.
You said:
"I deal with chronic fatigue syndrome, narcolepsy, depression, arthritis, IBS, hypothyroidism, hypertension, obesity, menopause, and seasonal allergies"

I dealt with chronic fatigue syndrome; I still suffer from mobility issues (spinal surgery prevented paralysis, but I still have nerve damage and chronic pain), swelling and pain in my hands and wrists (following physical abuse and subsequent untreated RSI that resulted in permanent damage), CPTSD with chronic depression, severe anxiety disorder, arthritis in my fingers, hips and knees (because I didn't have enough joint problems!), IBS, mild obesity, menopause, pernicious anemia, and seasonal allergies.

Most of these conditions are managed, as are yours. Some aren't life-limiting, but they do make it horrible, such as IBS.

The thing that will help depression, IBS, arthritis and obesity the most is exercise.
I know that chronic fatigue syndrome and arthritis will make exercise difficult, but it isn't impossible.
You have to start small. Gentle exercise will help strengthen your joints and boost your mood.
It's hard to start helping yourself when you feel so bad, but there's nobody else who will help you. You have to do it for yourself.

The fact that you added seasonal allergies makes me think that you are feeling sorry for yourself. I don't blame you! But I know, from experience, that will just make you feel worse. For this, I recommend Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

CBT can be costly, but it is possible to do it without a therapist or counsellor (although, if you can access counselling, I would recommend it). You could start by getting self help books out of the library. Also, some online books can be quite reasonably priced. Furthermore, there are some good websites to help guide you. Start researching.

Changing your perspective will help you to change your response to your problems. I know that I find it harder to deal with my pain when I'm going through a depressive phase. It seems that the pain is worse, but it isn't. It's all to do with my outlook.
I'm not saying that you can think pain away; it's more complex than that. You just cope better when your mental health is better.

Similarly, it's easier to do more physical activity when you're in a positive mood.
But it's the chicken and the egg conundrum: what comes first?

I would make some small changes to increase your exercise levels. Look up chair exercises, as they will be gentle on your body. At the same time, look into both CBT and resilience in order to start reframing your thinking, so that you can work towards a more positive perspective.

Build on these small steps to start improving your life.
You have some big problems that you're facing, but you can't deal with them effectively until you change your outlook on life.

You need to work on yourself, make yourself a priority, so that you can be there for others as well.

I wish you all the best.
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MiaMoor Sep 3, 2024
Btw, I also recommend learning to meditate. I have a couple of friends who say that meditation has helped ground them and regulate their moods. I'm not quite there yet, but practice makes perfect!

I should also add that I'm the same age as you. I did qualify for disability benefit, but knew that wasn't how I wanted to live my life. I volunteered at my local college and I trained to become a teacher.
I only work 4 days, as I get too tired for a full week, and I am more than ready for the breaks! I am slow at the admin side, due to joint pain, and I sometimes have to support my right hand with my left, when writing on the board. I also use a stamp and tell students to write out my feedback, as I can't bend over at their desks. I find ways around most things, but it would be easier if I wasn't dealing with chronic pain.
Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to classes starting again on Thursday :)
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At 56 it should be easier to get Social Security Disability. With that will come Medicare and maybe Medicaid. You can start collecting SS at 62 but its only 75%. 100% is now 67. Have you gone to Social Services and asked for Supplimental Income? You get that based on disability. Get that lawyer moving. Get those records from Doctors saying your disability keeps you from holding down a job.

Your life is what you make of it. You can find family in friends. 56 is not old, you may find someone.
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promisedmymom Jul 2, 2024
Thanks...yes, you would think so, that it should be easier to get SS Disability but for me it has been a 10+years nightmare! I am now with my 3rd disability attorney who is the best one so far. All my medical records have been provided to SSD and are up to date. Each step in this process does not move along quickly on the part of SSD...there is nothing else I can do but wait.
I can't get Supplemental SS until my disability determination is approved, if approved..
I have a few long-time close friends but they have families and lives of their own and can't support me financially or with a place to live.
At 56, I am not "old" but also not "old enough" to get any State or Federal gov help. The last thing I need to complicate my life is a romantic relationship for which I have nothing to contribute except needs that are problematic and past complicated baggage.
Unfortunately, life is not always what you make it...I used to think positive things like that, too. Sometimes, life is what happens to you...as I have experienced. I have done everything I can do to make my life better but I am running out of hope and energy to do anything else... My health will not ever get any better, it will just continue to digress, especially since I can't get health insurance.
I appreciate the advice...thank you.
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Since you stated you are a person of faith, then keep your eyes on the Lord and pray for wisdom, since in scripture this is one request He promises to always say "yes" to.

You said your Dad is in LTC on Medicaid... so what is there to manage? My MIL is in LTC on Medicaid, too. She is the least work of our 3 elders for which we are PoA.

You say you can't work because of your health issues... which are what? Physical? Mental health related? Just asking because it helps give us context for your situation.

You are in a seemingly extreme situation. Therefore, the solution may also need to be extreme: move to a state that will provide you better support than where you are. If your Dad is in a facility in LTC on Medicaid, he is getting what he needs and shouldn't need your frequent oversight. If you say otherwise, then maybe you are making excuses to not change. There *are* solutions for you... it's just that you don't like what they are. Change doesn't get any easier as we age (I'm 65 and telling you this is true). Some change IS hard but if you want a future it is what you will need to do: have a different plan: one where YOU are the priority, not others.

May you recieve clarity, wisdom, strength, courage and peace in your heart as you work for your future.
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promisedmymom Jul 2, 2024
Thank you...I understand that I may sound like I am "ungrateful" to God but I am not...He has provided for me in ways I could never have imagined for which I continue to thank Him for. I already pray for wisdom, strength, and hope. But the underlying pain of grief and loss plus the effects of the loss of physical and mental health limit me from functioning almost daily. Most days, I can barely get out of bed except to toilet and eat. I deal with chronic fatigue syndrome, narcolepsy, depression, arthritis, IBS, hypothyroidism, hypertension, obesity, menopause, and seasonal allergies, just for starters. Have you ever tried to function being alone feeling like you have a hangover everyday and are sleep deprived, knowing you have an elderly parent who is depending on you for companionship and overseeing their care, all while worrying if you are going to have a place to live next day/week/month, and have no money, no health insurance, no ability to work, and you don't qualify to get help from State/Fed programs, etc.?
If so, please tell me how you dealt with it all and what I can do about it. If not, then try to imagine how overwhelming, stressful, painful, and debilitating it must be just to get out of bed daily and have hope that the next day/week/month/year will be better...
I don't have any money to pay for a move anywhere much less pay for a place to live. I have prayed, searched, looked, reached out, researched, asked questions, taken steps, applied for, and pleaded for resources, (when I have the energy to) to help me. I do not know what else to do! I do not have a problem with change for the better....I'd welcome it!
My dad has imbalance problems and a chronic lung condition that he needs help managing daily plus help with managing administration of other medications. If he had a place to live, he could just have home-healthcare come in but he doesn't have anywhere else to live either. That is why he is in a LTC facility. I am amazed at how inadequate the care at these type of facilities is, at least the ones we have had with! I have submitted complaints to the state regulatory agency for several issues that they have investigated the facilities for violating. Yes, they are "taking care of him" but it is at a minimum, sometimes they get it right and sometimes they don't. For example, currently, he has not received his glaucoma eye drop for at least 5 days in a row because "it hasn't arrived from the pharmacy yet". What?!! Why not?!! What is the problem?!! How many other meds has he not gotten as he is supposed to be getting? His personal belongings "disappear", hair combs, electric razor, clothes hangers, body wash...staff is constantly turning over and don't communicate with each other about his needs. They do things like give him caffeinated drinks when medically he is not supposed to have them, etc.
You are very lucky if you have found a place that takes good care of your MIL!
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There is a lot in your past. What would you like to see in your future?

A small home somewhere for yourself & your dogs? A volunteer job? A friendly local cafe? A local park to take the dogs?

What can you think of for your wish list?
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