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You and your fiancee need to get together and a third party, licensed social worker who deals with life changes therapy or pastor, should be with you to draw up a list of expectations. I can tell you, of course, and I think that you KNOW this from all you say, that you will be the primary caregiver to a woman who will always be there and always in need of your care, likely for many years. Yes, you could abandon her if your husband passes away, or have her placed. There is no "legal" reason you would have to stay as I am certain you must know. The question here is not legal. Are you willing, able to do the care your future husband clearly expects of you? If not, this may be a match in many ways, but not a match in one great big way that matters more than "love".
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
Unless the husband writes his will in such a way that she is only financially taken care of if she takes care of mom in moms home.
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CrushedLove, glad you are looking ahead. I wish more people would do that.

When there is an elderly patient at home, one needs to have an One-Year Plan to cover all the possibilities. Yes, go down the "what if" list discussion. That way your future hubby and you are on the same page. Especially when Alzheimer's/Dementia is involved as it only gets worse.

You both need to discuss what would happen if future hubby becomes ill, will you be able to take care of him and also his mother? Or vise versa, what if you become ill, would he be able to take care of you and his mother?

Make sure legal documents are in place, such as Power of Attorney, especially with Mother-in-law if she is still able to understand legal documents. Future hubby could be primary POA for his Mom, with you as secondary. If you find yourself alone taking care of future Mom-in-law the Power of Attorney will allow you to make decisions regarding your Mom-in-law.
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