My Dad is 80 and lives on his own. He was my Mom's primary caregiver until hospice came in 4 months before her passing two years ago. He suffered two small strokes a couple years ago after she passed. He recovered fairly well from the strokes but last month was hospitalized with kidney failure (probably due to dehydration). We live about a half hour away…we have cameras in his apartment and also check on him regularly with daily phone calls which is how we knew he wasn’t doing well and called the ambulance for him. (I am his only child and family close by… he calls me his guardian angel.) His kidney function improved but we found out he has a mass on his right kidney which he will have an MRI on in a few weeks. Dad has additional issues such as uncontrolled Diabetes, spinal stenosis, and neuropathy. He also has age-related memory loss, which is progressively getting worse… over the last few months he got lost coming to my house once (where I’ve lived over 20 years), and has had asked me for directions to his pharmacy and bank a couple of times. He also forgets to check his blood glucose and to take his his meds on a regular basis even with me calling him to remind him. (He just started insulin a month ago.)
A few weeks ago, Dad’s neurologist stated to him, and me, that with so much stuff going on it is ‘probably time for him to stop driving’ … but Dad feels like he’s fine. I took his car to my home when he was hospitalized. He was ok with me keeping it when he was hospitalized, but recently is becoming more upset and angry with me, insisting that he wants it back. It’s killing me thats he’s so upset.
I remind him of his health issues and reassure him that whenever he wants to go someplace, me or my husband will take him but he just wants his independence to go out when he wants. He lives in the middle of his town and could walk to many places (with his cane)... church, restaurants, pharmacy are within 1-3 blocks … but he can be unsteady at times and walking long distances can take a lot out of him. We already drive him to all his Dr appointments and bring him to our house for dinner when he’s feeling up to it. I am his POA. After many late fees, I handle his finances. I do his laundry, I fill his med box, he has a cleaning lady 2 times a month and we now have meals on wheels delivering lunch and dinner to him and are working on getting church volunteers to stop by his place to help with medication reminders. He’s grateful for all we do for him, and I can imagine how frustrating it is for him to be losing so much of his independence. Honestly I believe he needs to be in assisted living, but he refuses to leave his apartment. We are doing everything we can so he can stay there, but not having his car has caused him to become so very angry with me to the point where he hung up the phone on me tonight and said he’d be better off dead. This crushed my heart…….I know I shouldn’t, but I am second guessing if he should have his car back. Is there anything I could say or do to get him to react reasonably and reassure him?
Approximately 2 months later - I was called at 9:00 a.m. at work. On the other end of the phone there was an ER Nurse telling me my there had been an accident and my mom was in their care. She further instructed me that I should come to the hospital as quickly as possible. After reaching the hospital, several hospital personnel including nurses came out to "prep" me for what I was about to see - and I'm glad they did - my mom was so broken and brused from the accident - I barely recognized her - her face was so mangled - bruised, broken nose, many broken bones - severe brain hemorrhage which could not be controlled or stopped, along with internal injuries. Thank God, she was conscientious only for a short while - at least she knew I was there - and for her to apologize ( I know this was very important to her) telling me she would never drive again - she "promised". She kept her promise and passed away a week later in a state of unconsciousness. Please spare your Dad this horrible and painful "lesson".....my blessings and prayers are with you - this is not easy. I wish I had done things differently and possibly spared my mom such a painful and tragic death. It is not necessarily about them per se, it is about everything else - other people, stress, traffic, reaction time, etc. Things are NOT what they used to be not only in our world, but also in traffic....Really horrible consequences do occur as a result of poor decisions being made.
Would you let him take your child or grandchild anywhere?
Would you ride with him?
If the answer to these are no then it is time that you take the keys away.
Swap out the cane for a walker that has a seat so if he gets tired on a walk to town he can sit for a spell. Most have baskets so he can bring a bottle of water and bring back any small purchases.
No one needs to wait for any doctor to make the call on ending the driving. The tricky part is how to do it. Your dad's anger is not rational so try not to take it too personally (and think about how you are keeping him and others safe). What I did with my LO is preemptively arrange for regular rides so she could run errands. I enlisted local and trusted family, friends, neighbors, church acquaintences and had them call her up to offer rides to the grocery store, mall, etc. I secretly gave these volunteers gift cards to my LO's favorite restaurants so they could also take her out for a meal. She enjoyed the company more than losing the driving privilege.
Your Dad will adjust to the new normal eventually, if his dementia allows it. Make sure other people in his network know to never lend him a car for any reason. Just sell it and stop paying the insurance (I'm sure his rates must be sky-high!) You don't have to engage the argument if he brings it up. Tell him "It's just not an option Dad," Then change the subject.
Make sure to report him to the DMV online as a dangerous driver. They will mail him a letter telling him to come in for testing. No one should take him to this test, just let his license expire so that he no longer has a valid one. I wish you much success in getting over this hump.
I hope to avoid the tragedy your family felt … am so very sorry to hear what happened. I understand how my Dad must feel but his safety and the safety of others is a top priority. We will continue to help him understand and to support him as best we can.
https://www.yelp.com/search?cflt=taxis&find_loc=Poughkeepsie%2C+NY
The "Best 10 Taxis" in your area, it claims.
If your father is among those people who look on taxis as an extravagance to equal caviar for breakfast and owning a racehorse, remind him that what he saves on fuel, car maintenance, insurance, parking fees etc etc will buy him an awful lot of cab rides - and indefinite independence without the worry and responsibility.
It's actually the getting lost on familiar routes that's the Big Red Flag. Sadly, it is sometimes followed by the driver reversing at speed into a brick wall and having absolutely no idea how that happened, either.
"So, how was your day today?"
The less you discuss it, the better. Spend your brain cells on constructive things like researching senior transportation options.
That's a lot that you do for him now, and you live 30 minutes away. Be careful about promising to take him wherever he wants, whenever he wants. It sounds like he really needs a more supportive living situation (and I do NOT mean moving in with you!).
Handling the emotional part is the problem. Get a social worker involved to deal with his anger, and let his doctor know. Dad may need medication.
Blame the doctor: once it is in his medical record that he was advised not to drive you can send that information to the department of motor vehicles and have his license suspended or switched to a non-driving ID. It is out of your hands once the licensing authorities are involved. The worst Dad can do is refuse to see that doctor again.
This is all about Dad's safety and long-term wellness. It sounds like the beginning of many conflicts that he is unable to understand. God bless you for your compassion and love for your father, and give you the patience you will need.
Tell your dad you know it stinks. You understand that he's not happy. But you just can't let him drive when you know it is not a good idea. If he had an accident and killed an innocent person, you would never get over the guilt.
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